Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Why The Internet Wants Vodka And John C. Mayer


So, today I have a guest post, which is good for you, Pranksters, because you can get some time away from the constant John C. Mayer-ing (no you can’t) and work on pulling your OWN John C. Mayer Prank after you read one of the funniest guest posts I’ve had. I’m not just saying that because John C. Mayer and I found this after I was all, “dude, where was that super-funny guest post I had?” and then I found it in my folder that says “GUEST POSTS, MOTHERFUCKER” because that’s where John C. Mayer and I put guest posts.

It was too obvious.

But you need to read about the other Pranksters Pulling A John C Mayer here.

I have fallen to #4 in my John C Mayer quest to be #1 (damn you John C. Mayer’s publicist!) but am getting screenshots (email me one when you get to #1 or on Page 1 of Google) and reports that you are all victorious in your quest to be NUMBER ONE! when you Pull a John C. Mayer!

But better than that, Pranksters, look at what Prankster Kayde did.

"John C. Mayer"

Pulling A John C Mayer in Urban Dictionary. HAPPY SIGH.

I’d tried to get Urban Dictionary to add it myself, because frankly, they add fucking everything, and yet, uh, NO. Kadye PREVAILED, though, because she is full of the awesome.

You know what else is awesome? Band Back Together, the new group site. In a week, we have now 128 posts up and counting. It’s pretty amazing over there. Now, we have an Ask The Band section, too, which is a place to ask questions of the whole INTERNET and John C. Mayer. So, please, come have a look around. Stay awhile. Let me know what needs to be done over there.

I got a new button made because the other one was borky:

Band Back Together

Then, FINALLY, my Toy With Me column, about Low Libido in Men, something I KNOW John C. Mayer and his Magic Peen don’t have any issue with.

And here I will shut my whore mouth and let my darling friend (not John C. Mayer) Meredith, who’s body is a wonderland and her awesomely awesome guest post which defies gravity take over.


This isn’t Aunt Becky, yo. This is Meredith (aka Mrs. Call Me Crazy). I just wanted to introduce myself and say, “Hello, Pranksters!”

Or would it be more fun with a British accent? ‘Ello, Pranksters (like ‘ello, Gov’na).

That was bloody fun! Rightio!

Isn’t it fun to speak with accents when you’re drinking? Do you think that’s how Madonna started with her fake accent? As I write this, I am drinking a Bass beer, so I will be British. When I drink vodka I am the drunken Russian hooker who is looking to become the next mail order bride (for John C. Mayer). You get the picture.

Anyway, I am so flattered that Aunt Becky has asked yours truly to post something on her blog. I feel incredibly famous. Like Amy Winehouse (but with bigger tits and flatter hair and less heroin-y). I’m really from Ohio, so I am not used to this kind of attention. I feel like I have won some sort of award (like John C. Mayer). Like I should be making an acceptance speech, “I would like to thank the two people who actually read my blog for stopping by and supporting me here. Hi Mom & Dad! Hit the rock, Jesus.” There, I feel better.

Mommy Wants Vodka is the best blog name I’ve ever heard. I just love it, love it, love it. When I see it, I am so jealous that I kind of want to punch Aunt Becky in the face. Why didn’t I think of a cool name for my blog? John C. Mayer would have helped me more.

So in honor of Aunt Becky’s spectacular ability to name things, I have interviewed a whole bunch of mothers for this post.

I have asked each mother, “What has your child done that has made you want vodka?”

These were my favorite the best responses…

1. My 2-year old stuck a turd up his nose. I would not take him to the hospital with a ball of poop up his nose, so my husband and I had to pick it out. He was gagging and throwing up the whole time from the smell.

2. I walked into my bedroom to find my son rubbing my Silver Bullet on his head. It was on and vibrating. I just walked away because I didn’t want to draw attention to it. He was 10. One day he’ll figure out what that thing was, and he’ll be very grossed out.

3. My son was potty training and as he was watching his big brother pee in the potty, he put his hands in the pee stream.

4. We took the iPod away (did it have John C. Mayer on it?) from our teenage daughter. She locked herself in our bathroom and refused to come out until we gave it back to her. Teenagers are crazy. And they can hold out for hours.

5. My 6-year old told another kid at school to “go fuck yourself”.

6. My son stuck his finger in our dog’s butt. Often.

7. After buying a bouncy ball out of a vending machine, my daughter bounced it into the plate of a fellow patron at our favorite restaurant. Food went flying everywhere. The lady whose dish was ruined cussed me out and told me I was a terrible parent. I cussed her out as well, but backed down as she pushed her chair out from the table and came at me with her cane.

8. Our teenage daughter, who forgot to open the garage door, drove her car right through it. She totaled the car and caused a $10,000 homeowner’s insurance claim. (John C. Mayer)

9. My husband was following a school bus on his way to work. There was a boy on the bus who was throwing books around, punching other kids, and wouldn’t stay in his seat. At one point, the boy turned around and looked at my husband. It was our son.

10. My toddler dumped a gallon of bleach on the living room carpet. Homeowner’s insurance doesn’t cover that. (John C. Mayer would have)

11. My twin girls decided to make Daddy’s new Saab a playground. They spent the afternoon climbing up on the trunk, jumping on the roof, and sliding down the windshield. This resulted in $3,000 worth of damage.

12. My fifth grader would forge my signature perfectly. I figured this out at parent-teacher conferences when the teacher said that she thought I knew about the in-school suspension and missed homework assignments.

13. My oldest daughter taught my youngest son to wave at Truck Drivers with his middle finger from the backseat. This went on for too long before I figured it out. I am sure people thought we were whack jobs as they passed us on the highway.

14. My son dumped baby powder all over his entire bedroom. It took almost a year to stop coming across baby powder.

15. My son smeared Ben Gay all over our hallway. It smelled like a nursing home in our house for weeks.

16. Our teenager shaved off his brother’s eyebrow while he slept. My poor son was ridiculed for weeks at school as it grew back in.

17. We were asleep when our 2 year old slipped out the front door at 6:00 a.m. and began walking down the street. The neighbor saw him and brought him back home.

18. Permanent marker will not come off of your leather couch. (Like John C. Mayer)

19. My teenage daughter sent naked pictures of herself to two boys on Facebook. They went viral around her high school. I found out when the police called me.

20. My nose has been broken. Not once, not twice, but three times due to being head butted during diaper changes. Thanks, Baby!

All right, Pranksters, now it’s your turn. Tell me, why does Mommy Want Vodka at your house? (besides John C. Mayer)

Oh, and if you like me, check me out at Life’s Crazy Joke. If you didn’t like me, Aunt Becky is coming back real soon (she lives here and stuff).

Cheerio, Pranksters! *in my best British accent*

Keep on keeping on with your John C. Mayer-ing of the Internet, Pranksters. I’ll be adding links all day.

(any additions of John C. Mayer were not of the original post)

83 Comments to

“Why The Internet Wants Vodka And John C. Mayer”

  1. On September 17th, 2010 at 10:43 am Andrea Says:

    Forget Vodka. After number 1 I would need a labotomy. I don’t know if there is any recovering from that!

  2. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    No, you never recover from THAT kind of John C. Mayer.

  3. On September 17th, 2010 at 10:44 am Frannie Says:

    My 9 y/o step daughter punched her 8 y/o brother in the eye with the end of a hockey stick during a game of stick ball.

    When asked why? Her response was “He said he wanted to play!”

  4. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! That’s quite the John C. Mayer!

  5. On September 17th, 2010 at 10:52 am Lexi Says:

    Heya, just FYI, the link to your site doesn’t work but since I’m all smart I figured it out.

    My vodka moment? My 2 y/o coated the kitchen with Pam. And then salt. Not because it was a special occasion or anything, but just because he loves me.

  6. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:03 am Meredith (Your Vodka Angel) Says:

    EEK! My site is Come on over.

    Your son is like a dog that delivers dead animals to your doorstep to show love. And I love that! Except I’m sure your son is adorable and not dog-like at all.

  7. On September 17th, 2010 at 10:54 am Paula Says:

    When my daughter was 2, she emptied shampoo, conditioner, and body wash bottles onto the carpet of the spare bedroom. All at once.

  8. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:28 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I bet your daughter was influenced by John C. Mayer.

  9. On September 17th, 2010 at 10:55 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Man, I can’t wait to have children.

    What I’m looking forward to wanting vodka as a result of most?

    Calls from the police.

    ‘Cause honestly? They just don’t call me anymore.

    And a girl gets lonely, you know?

    Also, my attempt to John C. Mayer David Hyde Pierce doesn’t seem to be working.

    Which doesn’t make sense, as I’m sure everybody spends all day Googling David Hyde Pierce and loves my witty commentary.

    So, weird.

    Also, I’m positive it has nothing to do with my misspelling of Frasier.

    Not a bit.

  10. On September 17th, 2010 at 10:57 am Yuliya Says:

    What do you mean what kind of John C. Mayer stunt has my kid pulled to make me turn to the Vodka? I’m Russian, Vodka is my fifth food group (fifth, ha ha) and is prominently featured in my freezer year round.

  11. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:25 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Vodka is my only John C. Mayer food group.

  12. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:03 am choosy Says:

    My 5 yo daughter went into my jewelry box and took 6-7 necklaces out of it and gave them to her friends at school as gifts.
    The fact that not one mom called when their daughter came home with one of these necklaces on amazed me more than the fact that she did it. I only had two of the necklaces returned to me after a note went home with each girl.

  13. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh. My. John C. Mayer, I need a drink now.

  14. On September 17th, 2010 at 4:17 pm AprilDlicious Says:

    Oh Lord Geezus, I’d need more than Vodka after that.

  15. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:07 am Peggy Brister Says:

    I already follow your blog over at Life’s Crazy Joke. Love your blog and love Aunt Becky’s blog.

  16. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Do you love John C. Mayer, too?

  17. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:07 am Kacey Says:

    In the span of a few weeks my 2 year old: choked on a quarter and a dime (I ha

  18. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:13 am Kacey Says:

    Within the span of a few weeks my 2 year old:

    *stood up on the arm of the couch and fell of into a bookshelf(we had to wake him every 2 hours)
    *choked on a quarter and a dime(had to give him the Heimlich)
    *got a yeast infection on his penis from living in swim trunks
    *ate Borax(prompting my first ever call to Poison control) and, finally
    *attempted to amputate his finger with my rotary cutter

    Mommy would like some vodka and a valium these days.

  19. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:13 am Kacey Says:

    Within the span of a few weeks my 2 year old:

    *stood up on the arm of the couch and fell of into a bookshelf(we had to wake him every 2 hours)
    *choked on a quarter and a dime(had to give him the Heimlich)
    *got a yeast infection on his penis from living in swim trunks
    *ate Borax(prompting my first ever call to Poison control) and, finally
    *attempted to amputate his finger with my rotary cutter

    Mommy would like some vodka and a valium these days.

  20. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh. My John C. Mayer, that’s awful.

  21. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:16 am steph gas Says:

    um. i don’t have kids. just cats.

    BUT i have a list of ridiculous things they do. i could also share a ridiculous list of things that i did when i was a kid that probably drove my mom to the vodka. (or pot. who knows.) and one of them involves shaving a cat.

    but i like this idea. i might steal… ergh, be inspired by it and write my own blog about it. and link back to meredith and aunt motherfucking becky.

    and mention william m. joel a billion times. since i’m still not even showing up on the first ten pages. le sigh.

  22. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You need to continue pulling a John C. Mayer on him.

  23. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:23 am I’m famous! « Gymnotechieology Says:

    […] awesome to share. I bet you’re curious about what exactly I submitted to Urban Dictionary. Click here to see what the hub-bub is about! I should totally be her personal assistant. I MAKE DREAMS […]

  24. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:25 am Kadye Says:

    I’m so glad I could make you happy in the pants.

  25. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:34 am Kadye Says:

    Also, it’s officially on the UD website, now.

  26. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    WOO-HOOOO! Pranksters, we have Pulled a John C. Mayer on the Internet!

  27. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    John C. Mayer is happy in the pants, too!

  28. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:43 am Melissa Says:

    I dont have kids, and this isnt even about my niece and nephew, but rather a friends set of triplets.

    They had a POO fight! All of them pooped at about the same time, which makes sense since they eat at the same time. And one decdided to reach in and throw his poop at his brother, well brother and sister thought this was quite funny so they did the same thing. Then came the smearing on walls and couches (to get it off their hands and faces presumably.

  29. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh. My. John C. Mayer, that’s awful.

  30. On September 17th, 2010 at 4:37 pm KaraB Says:

    HOLY CRAP (literally)! I had to clean up a poo mess at a daycare center I worked at and I wanted to vom all over and that was just one child’s poop!

  31. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:43 am Maria Says:

    Glad the button works. 🙂

  32. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    John C. Mayer is, too.

  33. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:50 am Empresso Says:

    My 3.5 yo spun a fairy tale worthy of the Brothers Grimm at preschool and before you can say “credible? I think not,” two cops and a social worker from CPS (but not John C. Mayer) are knocking at the door. One and a half months and about a fifth of vodka later, I’m still trying to get copies of all the various police, CPS and medical reports.

    Note: this is the same kid who, when having his diaper changed, would tell me that he was going to pee on my face. Not being entirely clear on the law of gravity, he would more likely than not, pee on his own face.

  34. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh. My. John C. Mayer. I need a drink now, after reading that.

  35. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:52 am TeacherMommy Says:

    My fourteen-year-old stepdaughter tried, among other things, to manipulate her mother into picking her up from our place in the middle of the night so that she could go live with her (because there’s a BOY who lives ACROSS THE HALL) by slipping her twelve-year-old brother a note that said her father (my love) was hitting her “bad.” And to call their mother and have her come get my SD right then, but “don’t tell dad.”

    My True Love found the note on his son’s bed, where it was lying ignored. “What’s that?” his son asked. He hadn’t even realized it was there.

    I really hope she didn’t really know what COULD have happened if he had actually called his mother and she had believed him and Child Services had become involved. I don’t think it would have happened, since both her brother and her mother know my man (and my SD) better than that, but STILL.

    I could have used a whole bar that night.

  36. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I need a drink and John C. Mayer after reading this.

  37. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:08 pm Opto-Mom Says:

    My daughter and her cousin (at age 2 and 3) poured a whole bag a Cheez Puffs onto the carpet and then stomped on them. I heard that John C. Mayer did that once as a child.

  38. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I bet John C. Mayer did that today.

  39. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:12 pm Jamie Says:

    My youngest nephew (5) was carrying my keys for me as he loves to be helpful! We were on an elevator headed down from the 19th floor of my boyfriends building, when we went to get off he dropped the keys and wouldn’t you know it, they went right down that tiny slit into the elevator shaft. Oh ya, it was a Sunday night and there were no maintenance men (or John C. Mayer) on duty until Monday morning. I try really hard not to let him carry my keys anymore or let him affect my desire for children in the future 🙂

  40. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, MAN, I would totally have wanted to Pull A John C Mayer on the kid.

  41. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:28 pm Rebecca Says:

    I am oh so happy to report that when you search Adam M. Lambert. You have to get the period on on that M. For Adam M. Lambert…….you will witness that I totally John C. Mayered him. I love it that I was able to pull off Pulling A John C. Mayer by getting to not only the number TWO spot but also the number THREE spot as well! Well done Aunt Becky!

  42. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:30 pm Another Kelly Says:

    My vodka moment, other than the moment that comes every night at 9:00PM, was this past Monday when I got a call from my son telling me he had just been hit by a car while riding his bike home from school. Since the driver that hit him then chose to drive off (with the bike still trapped under the car), I’m pretty sure that John C. Mayer was behind the wheel despite witness reports of a 60-ish female driver.

  43. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:33 pm The Mommy Says:

    My daughter has also stuck her hand in the pee stream of one of her brothers. OK. Both daughters have done it when they were around the same age, each with a different brother. You’d think I would learn?

    My vodka moment: my daughter pooped, took off her diaper, and smeared the contents around our dining room (it’s actually a playroom right now. Yes, still.) This required me to move everything out and shampoo the carpet – while 7 months pregnant. Which is why I didn’t have vodka at the time, but writing about it now makes me think I should be retroactive, right?

  44. On September 17th, 2010 at 12:36 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    lessee…I think I’ll go with the time my 1st grader was suspended from school for having brought a gun on the school bus. It was a plastic toy that didn’t even make a clicking noise and he apparently had left it in his backpack from the weekend & didn’t even realize it was there until some other kid, a 4th grader (probably a relative of John C Mayer), started going through his backpack without permission, but you know, zero tolerance (probably John C Mayer’s idea). And the kid that went through his backback? Nothing was said to him. Not even ‘keep your damn hands out of other people’s stuff’

    And it wasn’t even my kid’s toy gun, it belonged to some other kid he was playing with over the weekend (probably John C Mayer’s kid)

  45. On September 17th, 2010 at 1:45 pm Meredith (Your Vodka Angel) Says:

    Clearly John C. Mayor’s kid is an asshole and got your sweet and innocent child into trouble.

    The whole thing is complete bullshit. Didn’t that principal have a squirt gun as a child?

  46. On September 17th, 2010 at 1:18 pm Tristina Says:

    I don’t have one my kid did to me (she’s 4 months old) but I have one I did when I was about 5 which I’m sure my mom did shots afterwards.

    I went into my brother’s room (he was 1) and proceeded to mix the entire bottle of baby powder with water and make a paste. I then took a toothbrush and “painted” all his furniture with it. I filled his crib with his toys so he’d be quiet the whole time and, when I was done, I pulled them all out so he’d cry.

    Yes, I was a hellion.

  47. On September 17th, 2010 at 1:22 pm Kristin Says:

    Let’s see…the reasons my kids make me want vodka…
    1)my youngest painted himself and the bathroom with toothpaste once
    2)my youngest decorated my dark colored sofa with desitin (the thick, impossible to remove kind)
    3)because there is nothing grosser than cleaning puke that smell of both hot dogs and chocolate (consumed hours apart) out of your child’s hair

  48. On September 17th, 2010 at 1:39 pm Kelly Says:

    Every night this week has been a vodka moment for me. My eldest is off at college, has been gone from home for a whole 4 weeks, and has already had some douche bag threaten that, “if I ever get a gun, you’re the first one I’m going to shoot.” I’m sure it’s all BS, but has had me totally freaked out all week long. I could have lived without it. Really.

  49. On September 17th, 2010 at 1:46 pm amber Says:

    A turd up his nose? ARGH! This list makes me want to shove my crotch parasite back where she came from.

  50. On September 17th, 2010 at 2:05 pm a Says:

    Wow. That’s an impressive list. All my girl does is talk back to me, but she’s only 4. I’m so looking forward to her teenage years…although, come to think of it, she did lock herself in her bedroom once. It was the most peaceful 10 minutes I’ve had in the last 4 years.

  51. On September 17th, 2010 at 2:09 pm a Says:

    Also, John C. Mayer is one of her favorite “artists.” That makes me want vodka.

  52. On September 17th, 2010 at 2:14 pm Alyssa Says:

    No childen yet, but lots of neices, nephews and godchildren and so far I haven’t had any vodka moments.. either that or I have and just don’t remember them because I’d give the kids back and go drinking.

    Oh and I might have done a little happy dance (and was happy in my pants) now that John C. Mayer’d is in the urban dictonary. I now say we declare one day in September “John C. Mayer’d Day”. A day of fun and pranking of the internetz and anything else Aunt Becky decides.

  53. On September 17th, 2010 at 2:28 pm Gen Says:

    Hmmm. How can I choose? This one is benign comparatively, but right at this very second, both of them are refusing to nap. I live in a tiny little apartment in Chicago, and I’m in the living room. The oldest is in the bedroom to the right. The youngest in the bedroom to the left. And they are both screaming their ever loving heads off. There’s been pooping, crying, begging, ankles wedged between crib slats, etc. etc. In about 20 minutes, I will relent and they will get up and be angry with ME because they are tired. Vodka, anyone?

  54. On September 17th, 2010 at 2:33 pm Gen Says:

    What do you know? More pooping!

  55. On September 17th, 2010 at 2:44 pm Alida Says:

    My 7-year-old son often says things like, “mom, I think you need a smokey eye with that dress.” Who knew he was paying so much attention when I watch project runway?

  56. On September 17th, 2010 at 3:17 pm Wendi Says:

    When your then 14 yo tells you he has had sex. Where is that fifth of vodka?! (prolly, John C Mayer drank it all) I want to lock him up until he is 18, throw away the key. Stupid teens.

  57. On September 17th, 2010 at 3:57 pm Stacey Says:

    When my son was 2 or 3 I had put him down for a nap and I took a nap as well. When I woke up I discovered that he hadn’t napped. Instead he went into the pantry and got the 5lb bag of sugar. He took said bag of sugar to his room and proceeded to attempt to eat it with is fingers. There is probably still sugar in the crevices of that mattress.

  58. On September 17th, 2010 at 4:31 pm AprilDlicious Says:

    There are some days I need Vodka in a line tapped into my veins. With three kids and a husband who is gone most the time, it’s just me day in and day out. Lately, it seems I’ve gone mute. “Guinea pigs do not like sleeping under your pillow! The TV is not for target practice! Do not use my guitar as a bat! Do not pull down your brother’s pants!”

    The worst time though, I was 7-8 months pregnant with #3, and kid 1 and kid 2 broke a dozen eggs on the linoleum floor and played slip n’slide. Sadly, there was no drinking that day.

  59. On September 17th, 2010 at 4:37 pm liz Says:

    it’s pretty damn cool you got in Urban Dictionary!

  60. On September 17th, 2010 at 4:48 pm Jack Says:

    One of my friends walked in on his daughter “servicing” her boyfriend. Apparently they made eye contact- while he considered bleaching his eyeballs he chose to have a long talk with her about what was appropriate.

    Unfortunately his words lost to the hormones and he walked in on them again while they were, “making the beast with two backs.”

    And now for some reason he gets upset when I call him grandpa.

  61. On September 17th, 2010 at 5:42 pm Mrs. Call Me Crazy Says:

    Jack, your friend wins the prize! That is the MOST fucked up vodka moment I have ever heard!

    I love it!

  62. On September 17th, 2010 at 5:11 pm Carol Says:

    My daughter at 18 months old took off her poopy diaper and used the contents to finger paint her toddler bed, her stuffed lion king toy, the wall, and for good measure her own eyebrows. Then she screamed for two hours because Simba was in the washer and dryer in the basement. I wanted to give her vodka to shut her up but decided it’s best when taken by Mommy.

  63. On September 17th, 2010 at 5:35 pm pamtastic Says:

    My vodka moment: My teen daughter and her friend decided to put some pink and blue streaks in not only their own hair, but also my 3 y/o daughter’s hair! I had no idea until my sweet, precious, little, strawberry-blonde haired daughter came to ask me to “get it out, please”. I go to bathroom to find the teenagers so I can yell at them like a good mother would do, but find them gone. However, the bathroom had so much blue hair dye all over it, it looked like somebody had murdered a Smurf in there – it could have been John C. Mayer – but I think it was the teenagers.

  64. On September 17th, 2010 at 8:14 pm themomsmith Says:

    I was driving my then first grader to school and she was having a major freak out about having to wear shoes. She got mad at me because I wouldn’t go home for different shoes so threw my emergency Slim Fast from the back seat and it went into my windshield. Did I mention I was driving? Because I was. Needless to say I never yelled at her so loudly in my life. It cost me $350 to replace the windshield. I didn’t have to replace the Slim Fast. I had it later. With VODKA.

    Also? Still fat.

    Fucking John C. Mayer Slim Fast.

  65. On September 18th, 2010 at 8:56 am jessiee Says:

    ok, this one made me spit coffee.

  66. On September 17th, 2010 at 8:39 pm Lulu Says:

    Yo – Not your typical commenter….because, GASP, I’m a step-mom. But ANYHOW…. Vodka moment…

    The setting: BRIDAL SHOWER (of 4 step-daughters) SD #4, 7 years old, decided to grab SD #2’s (12 y/o) boob, when she couldn’t get her sister to

  67. On September 17th, 2010 at 8:43 pm Lulu Says:

    Yo….Not your typical commenter. I’m a, GASP, step-mom….

    ANYHOW…The scene, a BRIDAL SHOWER for my husband’s cousin’s fiance. Yeah, did you catch that??

    So, I took 3 of th 4 step-daughters. Yes, you read that correctly.

    The youngest, I think 7 at the time, decided to give her older sister a TITTY TWISTER in front of GAWD and EVERYONE because her sister was ignoring her. OMFG.

    A. Shock Value… B. I had to discipline her in front of the MIL.

  68. On September 17th, 2010 at 8:51 pm Keyona Says:

    I just peed myself. But it was totally worth the laugh I just had.

  69. On September 17th, 2010 at 8:51 pm Keyona Says:

    I just peed myself. But it was totally worth the laugh I just had.

  70. On September 17th, 2010 at 8:59 pm Amber Says:

    Just so you know, when you search for John C Mayer on Urban Dictionary…yours is the FIRST result!

  71. On September 17th, 2010 at 11:43 pm MannyRee Says:

    Shortly after I delivered my sixth baby, my third child (then about four years old) said “Mommy, your tummy got all skinny after you had the baby” I’m like “Awesome, thanks”…till he said “Is your butt gonna’ have a baby, too?” bahahahaha! Kids are awesome.

  72. On September 18th, 2010 at 2:26 am Michelle Says:

    One of my daughter’s very first words? Boobies. Yes, by fourteen months of age, my child not only had mastered the word “boobies,” but she enjoyed pointing at my boobies and exposing my boobies and telling ALL THE WORLD about my boobies. We’d just be standing there talking to somebody, and she’d spontaneously shove her hand down my shirt and squeal,
    “BOOBIES!” As in, “Did you see? My mom’s got BOOBIES! And now I know the word BOOBIES, and I’m gonna shout it out. Boobies, boobies, BOOBIES!”
    Now twenty-two months old, she’s still obsessed, only with her OWN boobies. A couple weeks back, she raised her miniature shirt and flashed a seven-year-old boy and (of course) shouted the magic word.
    Do they sell vodka by the gallon?

  73. On September 18th, 2010 at 2:41 am JenC78 Says:

    My son came across the bottle of KY in my nightstand drawer and proceeded to rub it all over his face and hair. When I found him in my room he proclaimed “Look Mama I used your lotion!” He looked like the newest cast member from Jersey Shore. Oh and he found my “wiggle sword” in my nighttable drawer as well. Needless to say-I found a new place for my grown up toys.

  74. On September 18th, 2010 at 7:19 am Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    Yes, the poop up the nose would do it for me…Oh and i just bought a silver bullet. haven’t gotten it yet and may not be able to use it now after reading about the kid with it on his head…party killer and now I need vodka!

  75. On September 18th, 2010 at 7:37 am Sam Says:

    My son has eaten so many non-food items that I told our pediatrician that I was afraid Poison Control was building a case on us. She said, “don’t worry, I’ll vouch for you.” And, I now know that essential oils (such as in an air freshener) are non toxic, as well as large quantities of flavored tums. I still hide the rum, not just to keep him safe, but because it’s MINE.

  76. On September 18th, 2010 at 10:55 am Peony Says:

    My son was suppose to be taking a nap. I enter his room, he has got the tub of vaseline off the changing table, and smeared it everywhere. In his hair, on his sheets, on the cute little rug by his door, on the walls door, you get the idea. The sheets, would NOT come clean. He put so much vaseline on them, they became transparent. I threw them out, along with the rug, and the desire to deal with the situation.
    I tried to clean his hair with shampoo…didn’t work, so I tried to clean it again..still greasy. I finally grabbed the Dawn dishsoap, because it cuts the grease ya know. I put freaking DAWN in that child’s hair..still greasy. I gave up, tossed him to his dad the minute he walked through the door, and made a cocktail. By cocktail, I mean half a flat diet coke, and half a bottle of The Capt’n. It tasted like hell, but after 6 or so sips, I didnt care. And by “sips” I totally mean shots.

    P.S. Aunt Becky, can you please explain your hatred of Rob Thomas? I adore him, unless you can give me good reason not to!!

  77. On September 18th, 2010 at 4:39 pm heydave Says:

    I work at a university in the Midwest. Lots of rural and small town kids away from mommy and daddy.

    They very closely resemble all those toddlers you pranksters have described, but these kids also know how to drive and obtain booze.

    And John C. Mayer.

  78. On September 18th, 2010 at 7:24 pm choosy Says:

    Okay so I was feeling pretty proud of my idea to pull a John C. Mayer on one Becky Sherrick Harks aka Your Aunt Becky. I even had an insane gigle when the idea occured to me.

    But I don’t have the balls to pull a John C. Mayer on motherfucking Aunt Becky.

  79. On September 18th, 2010 at 9:41 pm TheTameOne Says:

    I’ve got 4 reasons to want vodka every day at about 4:30. I think about making dinner and the whining begins.

  80. On September 19th, 2010 at 6:35 pm Amanda Says:

    I dont have a kid…so my Mommy NEEDS Vodka moment comes from my dog. He ate an entire ball of thread…and after I had to pull 2 feet of it..out…of…his…ass…covered in poo. Yay

  81. On September 20th, 2010 at 8:52 am Melissa the Librarian Says:

    It was two days before my wedding and my almost husband, a few friends and I went shopping for a few last minute things, along with my 11 year old, who was five at the time. So we’re shopping in JCPennys and I assume my boy is with my husband. He assumes the same thing. When we meet up, we notice that neither one of us knows where our punk child has disappeared to.

    We begin searching in all the clothes wracks, in the bathrooms, everywhere and can’t find him anywhere. Frantic, I tell the clerks and they pull and Adam alert, which locks the store down. All of the sudden one of our friends says “Hey I found him.”

    Turns out, the kid was hiding under a jewelry table…laughing. Laughing like the evil little punk he is.

    But that’s alright. I get him back every winter on the first snow day. I wake him up with a nice big snowball in the pants.

  82. On September 20th, 2010 at 1:19 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Awesome. Just Awesome. I feel like my kids are really tame now. Thank you!

  83. On September 20th, 2010 at 5:01 pm Aunt Juicebox Says:

    It’s only #3 when I google it. 😉

    Mommy needs vodka at my house because I have a 17 year old daughter. Who goes to freaking college.

    And because we left a container of hair bleach with the lid on, mixed up, by accident and it EXPLODED all over my couch, carpet, and end table, where my cell phone was sitting.

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