Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Why The Chicken REALLY Crossed The Road



No, this picture has nothing to do with anything. But it cheered me up a bit, so, you know.


Back when I was 15, like all hot blooded teenagers I was learning how to drive.

Between my father’s obvious terror at the idea of being in the front seat of a car driven by his daughter and my mother’s out and out refusal to drive with me, I was stuck researching other options so that I may actually get approved for a driver’s license sometime in the next 14 years.

The other option came in the form of my over-18 years old friends, whom I was allowed by the state to drive with.

So one day, I was tooling around with my friend Audrey as we drove out in the more rural areas outside my town. I figured that this was probably safest alternative, considering that there was little to no traffic for me to hit with my car.

On one of the winding roads, just as you came over a hill was a farm. And on that farm they had some chickens.

And those chickens saw fit to cross this road at THE EXACT MOMENT I DROVE UP THE HILL.

It was a blind hill, so I couldn’t see anything on the other side of it.

The next thing I knew, I ran over not one, not two, but an entire flock of chickens. My car was awash in chicken feathers and poo.

I screamed along with the poor chickens.

I slammed on the brakes and turned to Audrey, tears pouring out of my eyes and she grimly informed me that I needed to go back and put any of the chickens that weren’t dead out of their misery. This was an even more horrifying prospect to me, who now just wanted to climb back in bed and wrap myself in the comfort of a large vodka.

I liked chickens, I did! I thought they were cute and sweet and I was happy to have them around. Opossums, however, I would have happily run down with my car, bike or even my boot clad feet. They were mean, they were nasty, and I hated them. But chickens!

My heart shattered loudly at the prospect. Becky, MURDER OF CHICKENS, I could see the headlines now.

But no. I couldn’t sit their daydreaming while there were more chickens to maim! I executed a 14 or 47 point turn and drove my Car of Doom back, crying and blubbering on and found the chickens. Well, some of them. Thankfully (I suppose) for my guilt-ridden conscience the ones that were dead were, in fact, dead, and the ones that weren’t had moved on to less dangerous car infested pastures.

As we drove away, me still weeping over the dead chickens, my car covered with carnage and feathers, Audrey looked at me and said,

“Why did the chickens cross the road?”

She waited a couple of beats as I grimly held onto the steering wheel at a perfect 10 and 2 position.


I was highly unamused.

42 Comments to

“Why The Chicken REALLY Crossed The Road”

  1. On June 19th, 2009 at 11:12 am Tina Says:

    Love this story! It really made me laugh at loud (at work)! Please send some of the rain down to us we are shriveling!

  2. On June 19th, 2009 at 11:41 am Badass Geek Says:

    I’ve got a chicken.

  3. On June 19th, 2009 at 11:44 am Ms. Moon Says:

    I love that story, even though it involves killing chickens. You know I love my chickens.
    But I’ll trade your rain for our heat. In a heartbeat.

  4. On June 19th, 2009 at 11:18 am lady lemon Says:


    The whole idea of having to go back and put them out of their misery is so awful. I’m glad they were either dead or living. No ‘tweeners.

  5. On June 19th, 2009 at 11:22 am lady lemon Says:

    Also, I just voted and HOLY SHIT you are almost beating that Pie person. 1782 votes? Damn, woman!

  6. On June 19th, 2009 at 11:29 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Oh those poor chickens. I remember going on a church trip up to Washington, riding along in a huge van and this large flock of birds flew in front of the van. The driver yelled at us to all close our eyes, but I think he was the only one who did. I was in the back row and remember turning around to watch the feathers come shooting out from the back.

    Slightly morbid.

    Oh, and have you tried sacrificing a gerbil to the weather gods? That seems to work for me. Or a peacock. Anything works better when a peacock is dead.

  7. On June 19th, 2009 at 11:32 am Lesha Says:

    Oh, those poor chickens!

    I hit a bird this morning on the way to daycare. I pretended it didn’t happen until a minute or two later G started saying “bird bump car” “bird bump head” “bird bump”.

    It was almost funny except I felt so bad about the poor bird. I was convinced he’d still be saying while I dropped him off at daycare and I’d have to explain what happened.

    But it’s not raining here today. So maybe that’s all it took.

  8. On June 19th, 2009 at 11:37 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    I feel tremendously sympathetic to your situation. I have been in a similar situation with feathered friends (of a different species). I am actually tearing up at the thought of it. Better go make myself a Friday afternoon cocktail. Speaking of which. . . Have you tried the Skyy infusions Pineapple yet? I’m no fan of Skyy Vodka, but it’s the only pineapple flavored version that I have found. The pineapple flavor is great and I have used it in cocktails, marinades and sauces. It’s a great summer flavor!
    I know I am being random, but since Mommy wants Vodka and I hate the thought of dead foul, I thought I’d share.

  9. On June 19th, 2009 at 11:47 am Shari Says:

    I hit a flock of chickens when I 1st got my license also. I was in my grandmother brand damn NEW Regal.

    *hangs head* was horrible – feathers and chicky poop every where!

    Only I didnt go back and check to see if any were alive or dead or ‘tweeners. I didnt care!

  10. On June 19th, 2009 at 12:48 pm Employee No. 3699 Says:

    I bet after that the survivors were laying scrambled eggs…

  11. On June 19th, 2009 at 12:55 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    If you ever need a new domain, is available.

  12. On June 19th, 2009 at 12:55 pm Valerie Says:

    Not gonna lie, I still do the rain dance from Man of the House (1995 starring Chevy Chase & JTT…. yes, Jonathan Taylor Thomas…) when the rain gets me down. The indian feathers they wear in that scene might help too.

  13. On June 19th, 2009 at 12:07 pm Amy D Says:

    Oh God, don’t even get me started on feathered fatalities!!
    After my freshman year of college in Connecticut, my father was moving me back down to Louisiana. This “move” involved my 6’2, 300 lb, self-addmitted functional alcoholic father & I crammed into a 2 door Neon packed to the gills with all my crap. Somewhere between Pennsylvania & Tennesee, a bird nose dived straight into the front end of my beloved Neon and became stuck in between the grill and the hood.

    It scared the ever living crap out of me. We were just trudging along and this guy decided to end it all on my car. We traveled the next 60 or so miles with him stuck like that, people pointing and laughing as they passed, as my dad refused to pull over and fish him out. Good times.

  14. On June 19th, 2009 at 12:28 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Maybe I’m the only person who hasn’t ever hit a bird with my car.

    Today? I got up and went for a walk/run in between the storms. Been watching movies with the boys, and hoping against hope that I’ll get to spend some time with The Fireman, who has been scarce since he started a second job. (Cross your fingers that I’ll get laid, too).

  15. On June 19th, 2009 at 12:32 pm Says:

    awa poor chickens , if it makes you feel better the are not that smart .

    my dad grew up on a chicken farm and when he was young he learned how to hypnotize them , when pops found out he freaked and they got in shit.

    how to hypnotize a chicken

    hold down the bird so that their heads are flat to the ground looking straight ahead
    (holding them by the neck is the best way , don’t hold to tight and don’t do this in front of a rooster they will attack you)
    move your finger in front of them slowly back and forth after a bit draw a line as your finger passes their face in the ground.
    the chicken will not be able to move their head or take their eyes off the line but their bodys will jump around .
    i have never done this or seen it but i listen to my dad tell us how he did it and then tell us never to do it to pops chickens.

  16. On June 19th, 2009 at 12:47 pm Inna Says:

    I’ve never driven over chickens but have tried in vain to save baby chicks from my dog’s mouth. They are so talented (the dog’s, not the chickens). They bring the chick chirping and completely alive in their mouth right up to you and kill it right before they hand it over. Every time was always so devastating, I could never unclench the dog’s jaw to save them and had baby dead chick in my hands.

  17. On June 19th, 2009 at 2:12 pm Susan Says:

    I have some kids you could run over. I kid. Sorta.

  18. On June 19th, 2009 at 1:13 pm Jenn Says:

    Once upon a time I ran over a squirrel on my way into work. I freaked out and barely composed myself enough to get into the building. I was standing there at the morning meeting and I promptly passed out. Thankfully I haven’t run over anything since, haha. I don’t know what I would have done in the chicken situation!

  19. On June 19th, 2009 at 1:14 pm Jenn Says:

    P.S. I love the rain. Today anyway.

  20. On June 19th, 2009 at 1:45 pm Kristin Says:

    Bwahahahaha…so not funny but so funny at the same time.

  21. On June 19th, 2009 at 1:47 pm Megan Hulsey Says:

    Hilarious story! But what is even more hilarious (to me amyway, it might not be funny to anyone else) is your use of the word “opossums”. I live in The South and if you said opossums around here, people would look at you like you had a third eye or something. We just say possums.

  22. On June 19th, 2009 at 2:59 pm Coco Says:

    OK, I love me some chickens, but this story made me laugh anyway.

    Remind me to tell you my chicken story sometime. It’s even more gruesome than yours.

  23. On June 19th, 2009 at 4:19 pm Taking Heart Says:

    I raised some chickens with my mom when I was a kid… a meager attempt to be farmers…
    I have one observation to share with you… perhaps it would make you feel better… or not.
    Chickens are really, really stupid.
    That is all.

  24. On June 19th, 2009 at 3:32 pm birdpress Says:

    Am I going nutty or have I read this story before? I really can’t figure it out. Maybe I’m psychic. It’s still a pretty good chicken story. Probably one of the top ten chicken stories I have ever read.

  25. On June 19th, 2009 at 4:10 pm mumma boo Says:

    But did any of them get stuck on the car somewhere? And did you have to pry their feathery carcasses off later? Because that is just awful. Trust me. *hangs head in shame*

    And I’m pretty sure this rain will never effing end. I’m building an ark.

  26. On June 19th, 2009 at 6:23 pm Betts Says:

    My husband hit a chicken in the road about a half mile from here. He knocked on the owners door and offered to make restitution. The guy said, “Don’t worry about it. The chicken shouldn’t have been in the road anyway.” Gotta love those native Vermonters and their common sense logic.

  27. On June 19th, 2009 at 7:30 pm jenni Says:

    Aww DAMN! I am terrified of hitting an animal with my car.

  28. On June 19th, 2009 at 8:19 pm Meg Says:

    Haven’t had to sacrifice any animals for the sake of anything..but I’d take the rain if you’d like to mail it here…..Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta Canada…we have now declared a provincial emergency due to the drought and are now looking at a province wide fire ban and a wheat, canola, grain….food shoratge because of it…I’ll take your rain and double it, I’ll even send you a present for your birthday if you mail me a raindrop…is that an incentive or what;)

    Hope you make it out of the airport…or where ever you are currently waiting out the thunder;)

  29. On June 19th, 2009 at 8:23 pm Meg Says:

    Wait!! as my hubby so nicley pointed out there is a streatch of highway out here that for a few years while I too was learning to drive I always hit not one but at least three birds with the passenger mirror while driving 100kms/hr (or faster depending on who I was following). So yes I have killed some lonely animal due to mishap and bad luck on their behalf on being in the wrong place at the wrong time….poor birdies:(

  30. On June 19th, 2009 at 10:11 pm heather Says:

    I ran over a flying chicken once. Does that count for anything. And dude. 95 degrees today and like a freaking sauna. I hate you missed your Cali trip; hope your next plan isn’t foiled!

  31. On June 19th, 2009 at 9:40 pm Sunny Says:

    Ha ha ha! That reminds me of a story about my friend’s sister. When she had her learner’s permit, she was driving with her mom down the street (where else would she drive?). There was a bird in the middle of the road. My friend’s sister started freaking out, because she didn’t want to hit it but was afraid to swerve. “What do I do, mom?!” My friend’s mom replied, “Don’t worry, it’ll move.” She continued to assure my friend’s sister that the bird would fly away before she hit it, when…


    My friend’s sister looked in the rear view mirror to see feathers flying up behind her.


  32. On June 20th, 2009 at 6:12 am Carlynn Says:

    Can’t help, sorry, we are the most beautiful day, although a tad windy. I am being lame and sitting inside but I just can’t be bothered to move. I could have handled a rainy day no problem. Pity we can’t do a swop.

    And have you ever smelt lots of chicken feathers? Horrible, really horrible, especially in hot water. The last time I smelt chickens being plucked I must have been about 10 and I can still remember it. I admire you for going back, Aunty Becky, you have great inner strength.

  33. On June 20th, 2009 at 9:37 am Lola Says:

    Oh, I don’t know, maybe do a rain dance while sacrificing a few chickens…

    Sorry your trip was cancelled, but after voting just now, it looks like you can say, “Bye Bye, Pie!!!!”

    Next up, Girl About Town (?). Let’s get her!!!!!!

  34. On June 20th, 2009 at 10:12 am Mrs.LaLa Says:

    Ewwwww, that sucks. My ex boyfriend and I once found a possum half smooshed to the road and still alive. I told him that he needed to go put it out of it’s misery, but the loser didn’t have the balls to do it and kept driving. That pretty much sums him up.

  35. On June 20th, 2009 at 10:50 am Kristina Says:

    I would like to know how exactly you determined they were definitely dead. Did you take a pulse?

  36. On June 20th, 2009 at 11:40 am Amanda Says:

    I sacrificed some E. coli to your cause yesterday, let me know if that worked out for you at all.

    When I was 15 my dad and I went out to the country to practice my driving. My dad drove on the way back because we were going to be in more populated areas. So, he’s driving along lecturing me on being aware of my surroundings as I’m driving because you never know when some child– or small animal– will run out in front of you, blah, blah, blah. When– and you know where this is going– an opossum runs out right in front of us and BUMP! My dad’s response to this, “See– object lesson!”

  37. On June 20th, 2009 at 6:40 pm Fancy Says:

    When I was 18, and had just gotten a real car, like with a loan, I was just driving down a side road, not very fast and BAM, all the sudden the inside of my car was full of blood and feathers. A bird had flown in through an open back window, and then hit the closed on on the other side. I was hysterical when I pulled into the car wash right up the road. The car wash attendant suggested I play the lottery that night, cause who the hell does that happen to?

  38. On June 20th, 2009 at 7:21 pm giggleblue Says:

    totally off topic, but why does my LO have that same outfit???? eh. i thought they made just one… crap.

  39. On June 20th, 2009 at 7:52 pm Swirl Girl Says:

    is that your little blogger baby Amelia! ccccuuuuuttttteeeee!

  40. On June 21st, 2009 at 5:48 am zelzee Says:

    Poor Becky!! What an awful start to driving………
    Makes me wonder what driving stories my kids have, that I don’t know about.

  41. On June 22nd, 2009 at 7:03 am Callie Says:

    If it makes you feel any better, while I can’t say I’m guilty of chicken genocide, I did run over a bird…DURING MY DRIVER’S TEST. When I was learning to drive, I had a bad habit of slamming on the brakes whenever a bird was in the road. My dear sweet mother told me not to do that as the bird will fly away. Well, Mom, sometimes they don’t. Turns out that in Illinois, when you kill wildlife… you do not pass the test. It was another 3 months before I could re-test – truly the height of humiliation for a 16 year old.

  42. On June 22nd, 2009 at 2:11 pm Mama Bee Says:

    I’m sorry you killed more chickens than KFC, but that was fucking hysterical!! 🙂

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...