Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Where “Go Ask Your Father” Seems Like The Best Idea


So, yeah, now, I’m at BlogHer, likely streaking or soiling myself or some combination thereof, and I asked my friend Badass Geek to take over for me. It’s rare I con someone into beg someone have someone agree because I have annoyed them to death to do a guest post for me.

In the same magical vein, I asked The Daver to do another post and he’s all “what about” and I’ll all “I don’t know.” I put the likelihood of him doing it around 27%. Because that is how The Daver rolls.

‘What’s this?’ my younger sister asked.

My family and I were settling into our hotel room while on vacation somewhere in Pennsylvania. My older sister was listening to her portable CD player and didn’t hear the question. My dad was out getting ice or something from the vending machine, and my mother was in the bathroom washing up. Being the only one left to pay any attention to her, I looked up see what she was referring to.

She was sitting on the side of the bed, the drawer to the nightstand open. In her hands was a teal-colored foil wrapper. Even from where I sat on the other side of the room, I could see the words ‘Latex’, ‘Spermicidal’, and ‘Ribbed For Pleasure’ printed on it.

Dear Lord, I thought to myself. This is going to be interesting.

‘I think you better ask Mom about that,’ I said evasively.

‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Hey, Mom?’

‘Yeah?’ she called back from inside the bathroom.

‘I found something in the nightstand, and I’m not sure what it is.’

There was a heavy pause then. As a parent, I imagine that if there is one question you hope never to hear when staying at a cheap hotel, it is this one. The mind races with all the possibilities as to what it could be, and odds are, as you turn to see the object in question, you pray that you remembered to pack that commercial-sized bottle of Purell.

My mother emerged from the bathroom. She locked her eyes on the object in my sisters hand, and her eyes widened. Trying to keep her voice steady, she asked, ‘Where did you get that?’

‘I found it in the nightstand next to the Bible,’ my sister said. ‘What is it?’

Those Gideon’s are kinkier than I imagined them to be. I looked over to my mother to see her mouth opening and closing, at a complete and utter loss for words.

My sister could not have sounded more innocent. ‘It says it’s a latex condom. What’s a condom?’

My mother cleared her throat. ‘Well, it’s something that married couples use when’ they don’t want to have a baby.’ She walked briskly over to my sister and snatched it out of her hands.

‘How does it work?’

Oh, God. Please don’t give her the Birds And The Bees talk right here in front of me.

‘Well,’ my mother grasped for words. ‘Why don’t you ask me that when we get home.’ She glanced sideways at me. ‘I’ll tell you all about it then.’

My mother promptly wrapped the unused rubber in a tissue and threw it in the trash. ‘Now, go wash your hands in the bathroom.’

‘Why?’ my sister wanted to know.

‘Just go do it!’ my mother snapped. She looked at me with an expression that seemed to promise injury or death if I said anything about what had just made it’s way into the trashcan. She didn’t have anything to worry about, though. The last thing I want to talk about with my mother in earshot is condoms.

I hope you have a good time at BlogHer, Aunt Becky. May there be no condoms in your nightstand.

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
25 Comments to

“Where “Go Ask Your Father” Seems Like The Best Idea”

  1. On July 23rd, 2009 at 3:18 am Anne Says:

    OMG!!! I have to go remove the condom box from my night stand.

    LMAO! Great (guest) post!

  2. On July 23rd, 2009 at 4:32 am eden Says:

    HA! I love the tag it’s posted under!

  3. On July 23rd, 2009 at 4:06 am DG at Diaryofamadabathroom Says:

    Yikes! Tough conversation for a parent, though hopefully she realized how fortunate she was that it was still tidily sitting in its wrapper. Imagine the questions (and vigirous hand washing) that would have followed in that scenario. . .

  4. On July 23rd, 2009 at 5:24 am SciFi Dad Says:


    (Note to self: check drawers before allowing children to enter hotel room on next family vacation.)

    Also: Aunt Becky? I’m hurt that you didn’t ask me to spew my tripe over here. I would have even spell-checked for you and everything. *sniff*

  5. On July 23rd, 2009 at 6:51 am Jessica from Michigan Says:

    Hotel condoms are always better when they’re still unused. I’m just sayin’.

  6. On July 23rd, 2009 at 7:00 am moonspun Says:

    Awesome story…Now go wash your hands!

  7. On July 23rd, 2009 at 6:11 am Soxy Deb Says:

    Holy Mary mother of God!!! That’s funny. I can’t even begin to think what I would have said.

    Bex! Sorry that the first day in a week I get back to blog reading your off galavanting somewhere. Whatevs! I don’t miss you. Nope………

  8. On July 23rd, 2009 at 6:45 am a Says:

    Ha! My older siblings were always happy to clue me in and then send me to my parents to ask for further information.

    Great guest post!

  9. On July 23rd, 2009 at 7:35 am daisybv2 Says:

    Hope there is nothing strange found in the hotel room girl!

  10. On July 23rd, 2009 at 7:38 am Kristin Says:

    Bwahahahaha…too funny and absolutely perfect for Aunt Becky’s blog.

  11. On July 23rd, 2009 at 9:02 am Tara Says:

    Nice! Now I’m snorting at work while patients stare at me.

  12. On July 23rd, 2009 at 10:17 am Mrs Soup Says:

    At least it was still in its packaging! Lovely! BAG, you are awesome?

  13. On July 23rd, 2009 at 10:57 am heather Says:

    If I had been her, I would have sneakily hidden it and then oggled it later in private.

  14. On July 23rd, 2009 at 12:50 pm kbrients Says:

    Hysterical. Great story!

  15. On July 23rd, 2009 at 12:59 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    OMG. True story – I was staying in a hotel in MIlwaukee for business, and one morning I was stretching on the floor (I was an exercise freak back then). I noticed something under the nightstand and went to investigate. I pulled out a huge rubber “toy” and some pornographic books. Not magazines, just cheesy stories. I mean I THINK they were cheesy, because obviously I didn’t read them or anything. I called the manager and had him come to my room to remove them. Don’t know if someone left them, or perhaps the maid had kept them there for break time.

  16. On July 23rd, 2009 at 2:33 pm Westcoast Weirdo Says:


  17. On July 23rd, 2009 at 2:35 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Oh my. That’s dirty!

  18. On July 23rd, 2009 at 2:52 pm Sandy Says:

    Well, yeah, you hope there aren’t any condoms in the nightstand unles she wants there to be.

  19. On July 23rd, 2009 at 6:04 pm Inna Says:

    I’m surprised you didn’t open it with her and make a condom balloon.

    What? Like you’ve never done that before. hehehe

  20. On July 23rd, 2009 at 7:25 pm Lola Says:

    Like you knew what it was 😉

  21. On July 23rd, 2009 at 6:29 pm Daniel Says:

    Wha??? She didn’t get out a banana??

  22. On July 23rd, 2009 at 8:58 pm Badass Geek Says:

    I wasn’t about to explain a condom to my sister. There are just some things you don’t talk about with your relatives… and that includes anything anatomical that can be found between your legs.

  23. On July 23rd, 2009 at 8:53 pm mnsm31 Says:

    he he he great guest post.

  24. On July 24th, 2009 at 7:59 am gypsygrrl Says:

    this is one of the best guest-posts i have ever read!!! your poor mom.

  25. On July 30th, 2009 at 6:40 pm Betts Says:

    Oh man, please don’t let that ever happen to me! Can’t we just make our kids stay little and unable to read?

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