Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Where Did You Come From, Where Are You Going?


Um…Wow, so I guess I got told by the Lovers Of Vincent D’Onofrio, didn’t I? Think of it this way, ladies, I am now less competition. I spent about 20 minutes scratching my head and trying to figure out how these people found me, until the realization that I a) must have spelled his name right b) google is a powerful search engine, smacked me right up the side of my face. I feel like I deserve a cookie or something for spelling something right, eh Manny?

Normally google searches (which is the only reason I have a stat counter installed, because the search terms crack my ass up) just lead people looking for “why does pregnancy suck” and “being pregnant asshole” with the occasional “vodka pregnancy” (and I have to say that confidential to those searchers who found me by typing in “mommy wants some sausage” and “dumbest bitch in bathroom remodel,” you are my new personal heros) to me, and I always wonder if they found what they were looking for.

I certainly hope that I don’t disappoint my random visitors.

(I am completely looking forward to the day that I have a blog troll, you know, the kind of person who hates me so viciously that he/she leaves me nasty comments telling me how much I suck donkey ass. I can’t say that I court controversy here on my blog as an unspoken rule, because I generally don’t talk about religion or politics, because any pathetic amount of keyword tapping on my part wouldn’t do justice to those people who write about these things for real, with evidence and research and smart people stuff. But when I have a troll, I will know that I am doing proper justice to a blog. Does that make me weird?)


You know the scene, you pull up to a stoplight and the car next to you has their windows down and some insanely ridiculous song is bumping loudly. If you’re a voyeur such as myself, you contort your body into neck-craning positions to determine who is listening to that awful music. And if you’re me, AND you’re lucky, you’ll find that it’s a hilarious study in contradictions: the 70 year old woman listening to NWA, the 18 year old wanna-be thug-a-lug listening to Yanni, the uptight-looking businessman listening to Britney. Then you spend the rest of your day gloating over someone looking dumber than you in a public setting (Yes, I am very, very mature).

This always makes me a bit shy to bump MY music too loudly for fear that someone next to ME at a stoplight will find my my musical selections uproariously funny. Some of the stuff in my disc changer is fairly standard for me: Justin Timberlake, The Ubiquitious Britney CD, Amy Winehouse, along with a rotating variety of far more shameful selections. I will boldly proclaim to you, Internet, two of the songs that I will play at top volume, BUT ONLY IF THE WINDOWS ARE ROLLED UP AND I HAPPEN TO BE (hahahaha!) ALONE IN THE CAR.

1) Elton John’s “The Way You Look Tonight”. It’s one of the all time sweetest love songs that I shamefully adore. The lyrics are adorably sweet and meaningful (so unlike myself), but the corn-ball factor is far too high for me to listen to without some shame. It’s one of those songs that I may have considered for our requisite First Dance but hadn’t made it’s acquaintance at the time in my life when I had to think about such stuff. Instead we danced to “What A Wonderful World,” which was decidedly not “The YMCA” that I had shamelessly petitioned for. Damn The Daver and his emo sensibilities!

(You cannot tell me that wouldn’t have been funny. And yes, thankyouverymuch, I HAVE seen that video of the newlyweds dancing to “Baby Got Back” which was an idea that was stolen from me, and vetoed by my husband. Why YES, I am wearing my Bitter Pants this morning! Do they make my butt look fat?)

2) Rod Stewart’s “Forever Young.” Now, the one arena in my whole life that I am marginally sappy about is my children, I admit it here and I am not ashamed of this. This song makes me feel all gooey inside (but in a good way) when I listen to it, but I am completely and utterly aware of how dumb it is, especially when you know how HIS kids turned out (*ahem, KIM STEWART, ahem*). I rock out to it, for sure, but I do it responsibly and while no one is watching me.

So tell your Aunt Becky what makes you turn up the volume WHILE rolling up the windows and checking to make sure no one who knows you can see you quietly rockin’ out to this lame song (s).

posted under I Suck At Life
29 Comments to

“Where Did You Come From, Where Are You Going?”

  1. On January 9th, 2008 at 1:00 pm kbreints Says:

    Oh I would have to agree with you on the “Forever Young” Song- I actually have the words framed in my son’s room- (eeek)

    i have to say that I like me some old school Micheal Jackson– omg did I just admit that?

  2. On January 9th, 2008 at 1:30 pm Jenn Says:

    I feel the same exact way about “Forever Young.” I was so embarrassed because when I was pregnant it actually made me cry. I hate to cry! Especially over something as ridiculous as a song. 😉
    Other than that I don’t actually get embarrassed easily over things like song choice. I happily crank up the volume for anything from CCR to Marilyn Manson, haha. It’s interesting when I’ve got a custom cd in the car. I don’t give a bald rat’s ass what anyone thinks. (About my musical taste anyway!)

  3. On January 9th, 2008 at 1:55 pm Kristin Says:

    1. Big Girls Don’t Cry or Clumsy by Fergie So catchy- I can’t help it!

    2. Xxplosive by Dr. Dre – because i am wicked-hardcore 🙂 No, seriously, that song is so offensive, I don’t even know why I listen – much less crank it.

    3. For some reason – I also really dig chick country like Dixie Chicks or Miranda Lambert.

    I have serious problems

  4. On January 9th, 2008 at 1:57 pm Kristin Says:

    Oh – and I am phusically incapable of listening to Paul Simon’s Father and Daughter without bawling

  5. On January 9th, 2008 at 1:57 pm Chris Says:

    “The Way You Look Tonight” is Eric Clapton, not Elton John.

  6. On January 9th, 2008 at 1:59 pm Chris Says:

    Oh, wait, damn; I’m having a senior moment. Eric Clapton’s song is “Wonderful Tonight.” Ignore me.

  7. On January 9th, 2008 at 2:01 pm Manny Says:

    1. Anything by Culture Club – SHUT IT. That was some good damned music. And yes, you do deserve a cookie.

    2. Presidents of The United States of America – Any band that puts ninjas in their video is aces in my book.

  8. On January 9th, 2008 at 2:52 pm Calliope Says:

    hanging my head and quietly mumbling…Supertramp

    cracking up over the Vinny comments. Bet you had lots of e-mails from women too ashamed to admit their crush on the D’of as well. heh

  9. On January 9th, 2008 at 3:15 pm Gail Says:

    Becky, becky, becky… I thought you were the girl for me. I thought you understood about the genius of Bob Dylan. And then you tell me that you’re into the wimpy Rod Stewart remake of a Dylan classic??? You are not who I thought you were.

    And you prefer Elton John’s version of The Way You Look Tonight to that of Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra???? What is the matter with you???

    I am deeply saddened by having to remove you from the pedestal upon which I had placed you.

    PS – As for me, I don’t let people catch me listening to country. Sshhhh…

  10. On January 9th, 2008 at 3:32 pm Cricket Says:

    Santana, especially that one with Matchbox 20 – Smooth

  11. On January 9th, 2008 at 3:02 pm becky Says:

    Cali, I love Supertramp. But I absolutely hate Rush (who they sound a bunch like).

    Manny, bwahahahahahahaha! (wipes tears away) Culture Club.

    Kristin, the Dixie Chicks are pretty rad. I am ashamed to listen to them (mainly because I used to be pretty anti-country) but I think they rock now.

  12. On January 9th, 2008 at 4:03 pm MsPrufrock Says:

    Stop asking questions about pop culture things, I’m such a sucker for them and no one ever bites on my damn blog when I as such things. Grrr…

    Anyway, I’m a music fiend, so I can answer this with no hesitation – Styx, ONE Paris Hilton song (ahem), Fall Out Boy, Britney…which brings me to a point – you mention Britney as one of your non-embarrassing choices. Really? REALLY?

  13. On January 9th, 2008 at 4:21 pm Emily R Says:

    I’ll tell you what: If I ever score a troll, I’ll go halvsies with you. ‘Cause that’s the kind of friend I am.

  14. On January 9th, 2008 at 4:40 pm Kim Says:

    i never listen to country, but the song…

    I hope you dance.

    kills me, can’t listen to it without crying, it’s what I wish for my kids and My DAD called me one day ‘specially to say that the song makes him think of me.

    kills me.

  15. On January 9th, 2008 at 3:43 pm Heather Says:

    Stevie Wonder – old stuff
    All the eighties like George Michael, Madonna, Bon Jovi.

    I need some satelite radio.

  16. On January 9th, 2008 at 3:46 pm Heather Says:

    Unfortunately, I can never love Rod. There was a strange man who used to frequent a store where I worked. Odd mix, he was a park ranger who wore four-inch wedge go go boots, had the spiky, frosted Rod-hair, skin-tight girl jeans, and the biggest damn rhinestone belt buckle I’ve ever seen. *shudder*

  17. On January 9th, 2008 at 4:01 pm becky Says:

    GAIL I AM YOUR GIRL! AAAAHHHH! See, I LOVE Dylan, but I’m not ashamed of this at all in any way shape or form. Rod Stewart and my love for him shames me daily. Well, not really. But kind of.

    Heather, I think I just peed my pants. Seriously. That good.

  18. On January 9th, 2008 at 4:25 pm becky Says:

    All right, Mrs. Pru, I’m gonna come over and answer myself the next time you ask something about pop culture. And amazingly enough, Britney is a-okay in my book (to listen to, not to emulate) but Rod Stewart is taboo. Mayhap my priorities are a bit skewed.

    EMILY YOU’RE AWESOME. I SOOOO WANT A TROLL. I guess I could come over and pretend to be one, but I guess that would defeat the purpose. Damn.

  19. On January 9th, 2008 at 6:20 pm becky Says:

    I’ve not heard that one, but it sounds awesomely corny. Is it? I love corny stuff, BUT I HATE PETER FRAMPTON WITH A PASSION UNRIVALED BY ANYTHING!


  20. On January 10th, 2008 at 3:45 am baseballmom Says:

    LOVE forever young, and even saw Rod in concert…heh. I love to crank Eminem (my name is…, without me, lose it) and Rascal Flatts ‘Me and My Gang’, and even Umbrella by Rihanna and No One by Alicia Keys, Soulja Boy, and Buy U a Drank (can you tell my kids have me hooked on the local hiphop station?). I feel like the old lady mama who’s trying to be cool, and the problem is, I really LIKE these songs…kinda embarrassing. Also? Culture Club used to rock my socks, and so did Duran Duran (Rio especially)! So funny to hear what people like, and how much we have in common!

  21. On January 10th, 2008 at 8:26 am Kim Says:

    Aunt Becky,

    it’s one of the most sappy songs you have ever heard.

    line goes like this

    i hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
    (another line here)
    whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
    may you never take one single thing for granted
    god forbid love ever leave you empty handed

    blah, blah, blah,

    and when you get the chance to sit it our or dance…
    i hope you dance

    the song is talking about how our children will face life….

    *honestly, tearing up while writing*

    next post, PLEASE

    I’m such a schmuck.

  22. On January 10th, 2008 at 8:27 am Kim Says:

    Aunt Becky,

    it’s one of the most sappy songs you have ever heard.

    line goes like this

    i hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
    (another line here)
    whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
    may you never take one single thing for granted
    god forbid love ever leave you empty handed

    blah, blah, blah,

    and when you get the choice to sit it our or dance…
    i hope you dance

    the song is talking about how our children will face life….

    *honestly, tearing up while writing*

    next post, PLEASE

    I’m such a schmuck.

  23. On January 10th, 2008 at 8:27 am Kim Says:

    sorry ‘puter glitch

  24. On January 10th, 2008 at 10:16 am Cara Says:

    Gail, word on the Frank Sinatra.

    Otherwise, I’m useless in this conversation. I have no musical shame. I admit–without the slightest hint of embarrassment–to liking “Copacabana” by Barry Manilow, “Glamorous” by Fergie, “Uh Oh” by Yoko Ono, and various Tom Jones songs.

    You just need to revel in the schmaltz.

  25. On January 10th, 2008 at 11:21 am Amy Says:

    I have to admit that I’m not a huge fan of Abba, but I love the song “Dancing Queen”. My love for the song stems from my group of high school friends who had a passionate love of the song and even though I promised myself I would never ever EVER like Abba I found it growing on me as the years went by. Now I turn it up just because it brings back memories (but I of course roll up the windows or check that nobody is around before I do so).

    And while Kim is talking about sappy songs that make people cry… The Rascal Flatts song “My Wish” came out when my daughter was born and spending the first month of her life in the neonatal intensive care unit. I seriously end up drenched in tears every time it comes on the radio (however I’m more embarrassed by my inability to hold back tears than actually liking the song).

    P.S. My mom used to always tell me that “Forever Young” reminded her of me… my brother and I bought her tickets to see Rod a few years back and she said it was an awesome show.

  26. On January 10th, 2008 at 11:56 am becky Says:

    I am dying to see Rod “The Bod” in concert. Hell, as I am sure The Daver won’t go with me, I’d go alone and revel in his corniness (and oldness!)

    Baseball mom, I feel you. Sometimes, I’m afraid I’m going to be that mom who dresses in tube tops and mini-skirts and tries to be one of the kids, with my tastes in music (not the mini-skirts. Hells no).

    Amy, you get a pass on crying about ANYTHING that reminds you of your ickle one in the NICU. Shit, I might cry FOR you. But I got to be honest, I don’t dig the Rascal Flatts (but I haven’t heard much of them). But everyone here is agreeing that they’re corny as hell, so I may have to check them out in spite of myself.

    And Kim, I’m heading to iTunes to download this song today. Shit, I can’t. My damn computer is broken. Stupid Aunt Becky.

  27. On January 10th, 2008 at 11:57 am becky Says:

    Oh, and shit, I love ABBA. I was grooving to “Take A Chance On Me” yesterday and nearly peed myself with excitement!

  28. On January 25th, 2008 at 11:53 am Val Says:

    Don’t worry, we found you via Google Alerts. You appeared int the Vincent D’Onofrio one. Though someone who was just “trolling around”, to quote her unfortunate term, found you and left me a message today.

    I can be a troll if you’d like. I’ve had more than one, and I can wholly (what’s the opposite of recommend?) it. You have to switch on comment moderation and all sorts of inconvenient things.

  29. On October 30th, 2012 at 9:11 pm random cow bell guy Says:

    Godsmack baby whiskey breakdown

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...