Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

When ‘You’re In My Heart’ Means, ‘Gimmie Some Of That Prenup’


The Daver: “You look ridiculous.”

Aunt Becky: “These headphones are for SERIOUS MUSIC PEOPLE, Daver. They’re Senheiser HD 280 Professional headphones.”

The Daver: “You know that your Nano can’t even keep up with those, right?”

Aunt Becky: “I want to make sure I hear my Rod Stewart PERFECTLY.”

The Daver: “Okay.”

Aunt Becky: “Besides, how can I attract a rock star if I don’t wear these in public?”

The Daver: “Um. You kind of look like an alien.”

Aunt Becky: “Yeah, but any musician will hump my leg the second he sees me wearing these. He’ll boof in his pants when he sees a girl wearing these because most people like those tiny ear buds. And THESE are for SERIOUS music people.”

The Daver: “People who listen to Rod Stewart aren’t SERIOUS music people, Becky.”

Aunt Becky: “Yeah, well. Imma wear these when I go to LA this fall. Then? THEN? Imma meet a rock star!”

The Daver: “Oh?”

Aunt Becky: “And then I am going to have his LOVE CHILD.”

The Daver: “Okay.”

Aunt Becky: “He’ll be bewitched by my headphones and my iPad and then he’ll fall madly in love with me. Then he’ll stick his penis in me and I’ll be SET FOR LIFE.”

The Daver: “Okay.”

Aunt Becky: “I see a lifetime of pleather pants and shiny shirts…OH! And In-n-Out Burger! There’s nothing not awesome about this.”

The Daver: “Except the STD’s. And the affairs.”

Aunt Becky: “Good point.”

The Daver: “But don’t let anyone crush your spirit! You chase your dreams, baby. Maybe he’ll rework The Becky Song for you.”

Aunt Becky: “I was thinking more that he’d sing “You’re In My Heart” to me as we strolled along a beach somewhere.”

The Daver: “You’re kind of delusional.”

Aunt Becky: “I find it adds to my charm.”

Aunt Becky: “Oh wait. I heard somewhere like The Enquirer or maybe a dream I had that LA had flying cockroaches! FUCK THAT.”

The Daver: “Time to come up with a new plan, killer.”

Aunt Becky: “Fuckballs.”


Today (at midnight!) is the last day to enter my contest, Pranksters!

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
54 Comments to

“When ‘You’re In My Heart’ Means, ‘Gimmie Some Of That Prenup’”

  1. On April 8th, 2010 at 10:11 am Jill Says:

    You are my favorite kind of crazy!!!

  2. On April 8th, 2010 at 10:31 am Mama Says:

    I love you Aunt Becky.

  3. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:07 am Do not read this blog. Says:

    […] send live flying cockroaches through the US Mail to my FB friends list, and surround my house with PsyOps troops using Rod Stewart and a 50,000-watt PA system to bend my will to her evil purposes, and I might win some dumb gift cards and a bottle of wine […]

  4. On April 8th, 2010 at 10:12 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    You could try Austin, the live music capital of the world. There’s bound to be a rock star or two there that will fall in love with your headphones, give you a rock star love child and sing you “You’re in My Heart”

  5. On April 8th, 2010 at 10:14 am Sam Says:

    Dude. This is why I can’t move to Florida, despite the whining, begging and crying of my husband. They may call them “palmetto bugs” which SOUNDS very harmless and garden-y but they. are. fucking. flying. cockroaches. AND they fly at whatever is tall and near them = my head. NO thank you very much.

  6. On April 8th, 2010 at 10:18 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Never let anyone stifle your dreams! But flying cockroaches might be a deal breaker

  7. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:18 am soccermom Says:

    “FuckBalls” ? Really? I think I can use that. I think my sportsman might even like that one. Hey, thanks for the loaner.

  8. On April 8th, 2010 at 10:28 am Ash Says:

    I’m picturing a rocking Princess Leia ala Space Balls – perfection! I’m currently jamming out to “Midnight Train to Georgia” right now. Pips rule. Need to score some of those headphones.

    FYI: Houston has those flying cockroaches as well.

  9. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:07 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The headphones are seriously worth it. Shop on Amazon for a fraction of the cost and the reviews are worth it.

  10. On April 8th, 2010 at 10:29 am Brooke Says:

    And here’s why I read your blog daily…

  11. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:06 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    This is, I think, why Daver married me. As he says, “there’s never a dull moment when I’m around.” Referring to me, not him. He plays off me.

  12. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:31 am Alexandra Says:

    Oh, you are my type of girl..

    too bad I’m already married.

  13. On April 8th, 2010 at 10:34 am Ali R Says:

    OMG I just had a horrible flashback…there are flying fucking cockroaches and they do call them something pretty sounding ‘palmetto bugs’ but dude they fly at you and they dive at your head…no joke! I lived in Alabama for about a minute once and I saw one of those things and freaked the hell out and locked myself in my room til my boyfriend got it out of the house….scaaarrryyy stay far away from them!

    I bet though if you were wearing your headphones they may be too afraid of your awesomeness to fly at you so you could be safe…your call sister, your call.

  14. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:06 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I never THOUGHT of it that way! I bet they ARE afraid of my headphones!


    Thanks, yo. I love you.

  15. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:36 am Cat Says:

    I think I can tolerate flying roaches. I’m totally stealing your plan… because there’s no Catherine song, and there should be. And who can resist a man in pleather?

    I wonder if they make pleather onesies for our love child?

  16. On April 8th, 2010 at 10:40 am Patty Punker Says:

    i love that you’re a gadget girl! and so delusional. mwuah. but i’m with the daver, rod stewart on those things is blasphemy. and usually i’m a fan of the blasphemous.

  17. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:05 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    *glares at you*

  18. On April 8th, 2010 at 3:42 pm Elly Lou Says:

    I got your back, Patty. Rod is whack. Friends don’t let friends listen to Rod. Now AB, I let that whole Pink Floyd thing slide but ROD?!?! I…I think we need some time apart. It’s not me, it’s Rod.

  19. On April 8th, 2010 at 10:53 am JulieHG Says:

    MMMMM….In-N-Out Burger. I know what I’m having for lunch now! Since I get to have it whenever I want living in CA! ha ha ha πŸ™‚

  20. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:05 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I officially hate you. I’m having CEREAL.

    Why YES, I am wearing bitter pants today πŸ˜‰

  21. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:39 am Melissa Says:

    But but. You have SONIC! Daver said so. I just have fucking Sonic COMMERCIALS! That haunt my dreams. I want a raspberry lemonade.

  22. On April 8th, 2010 at 2:48 pm Clair Says:

    Let’s see…five minutes to Sonic. Five minutes to In ‘N’ Out…which sounds more delicious and delectable today? πŸ˜€

  23. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:05 am James Says:

    nice but la is ok i been there no flying cockroaches so keep on with your dreams πŸ™‚

  24. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:10 am joann Mannix Says:

    We have flying cockroaches down here in the deep South and sometimes they even fly into your hair. I wish I was kidding.

    But, keep dreaming the big rock star dream. I’ve got a few of them of my own. Yow.

  25. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:13 am Kristin Says:

    Nah…CookOut totally kicks In-N-Out Burger’s ass. Their cheddar burger and chili cheese fries are to die for!

  26. On April 8th, 2010 at 12:19 pm Kelly Says:

    A very funny blog that is dedicated personally to Aunt Becky!

  27. On April 8th, 2010 at 12:19 pm Kelly Says:

  28. On April 8th, 2010 at 12:25 pm Libby Says:

    I don’t want to kill your flying cockroach dreams, but I think you’re too old for Rod Stewart. He only likes women younger than his children.

  29. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:31 am Jennifer June Says:

    I keep my giant headphones on even when my iPod dies. NOBODY talks to you with those bitches on your head. They don’t only say “I’m serious about my music” They say ” Don’t you EVEN interrupt my song or I’ll knock you right out! Um.. unless you’re a super hot musician and you want to talk riffs, licks, diminished chords and gettin’ it on and stuff…”

  30. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:39 am Stephanie Says:

    I didn’t think it was possible to think you anymore awesome….. then you said ROD STEWART

    (Rod Mutha Frickin Stewart!!!)

    who TOTALLY rocks!!!!

    Now “If you want my body & you think I’m Sexy” will be in my head ALL DAY!

    Wait, do you sing “If you want my becky?….”

  31. On April 8th, 2010 at 1:29 pm Arby Says:


    Thank you for your words of support today!

  32. On April 8th, 2010 at 12:43 pm Rebecca Says:

    Seattle, perhaps? Nirvana!!! Coffee!!!

  33. On April 8th, 2010 at 1:45 pm amber Says:

    Flying cockroaches? FLYING cockroaches? Oh hell no. The post I’m writing tonight is about my irrational fear of cockroaches…guess I’ll never be moving to Cali. Or Houston. Or Florida.

    *sob* Does that mean I’m stuck with winter forever?

    P.S. If you could settle for a country star, Nashville might be an option…

  34. On April 8th, 2010 at 2:13 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    I hear those Senheisers emit a low-frequency pitch that discombobulates flying roaches so they crash and die.

  35. On April 8th, 2010 at 2:50 pm Clair Says:

    I am not clever enough to have a brilliant comment for this. It does, however, remind me vaguely of a vacuum cleaner conversation that I had with my SO once… very vaguely. Actually, no because ‘serious’ headphones are much cooler than dumb vacuum issues. Still…

    You are teh awesome, obviously.

  36. On April 8th, 2010 at 3:04 pm a Says:

    I’m pretty sure flying cockroaches are too ugly to be allowed in CA, so you’re probably safe. NICE TRY, DAVER! Dreamsquasher!

  37. On April 8th, 2010 at 3:05 pm a Says:

    Oops, sorry – It was you making up the cockroach thing and I blamed the Daver. Well, I guess that means you must really love him if you’re willing to make up excuses to not leave him for a rock star…

  38. On April 8th, 2010 at 3:30 pm Kelly Says:

    My 3 year old listens to her sister’s old I-Pod Shuffle wearing her Daddy’s head phones from when he DJ’ed, (very similar to yours)….They pretty much cover her entire head, but they also fit over her little afro-ponies much better then the little kid head phones that we bought for her!

  39. On April 8th, 2010 at 4:56 pm Erin Says:

    Aunt Becky, you know we NEED pictures of you and your super sexay headphones now…riiiight? πŸ˜‰

  40. On April 8th, 2010 at 4:40 pm Krissa Says:

    Shit! Hate when that happens! I mean both, the flying roaches and the best laid plans going all awry and all…
    Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed!

  41. On April 8th, 2010 at 5:12 pm BrilliantSulk Says:

    I hope you wear GIGANTIC sunglasses when you have the headphones on, otherwise the look is so lost.

    I met my most favorite musician on planet Earth and I actually TOUCHED his arm while I was speaking to him. I woke up the next morning and quickly took a pregnancy test…

    Hey, a girl can dream, right?

  42. On April 8th, 2010 at 8:22 pm Beth Says:

    I used to be married to a musician. Used to be being the operative phrase. Too bad he wasn’t a rock star because his child support checks just suck biggies.

  43. On April 8th, 2010 at 11:26 pm GingerB Says:

    I’m kinda mad you got that song stuck in my head.

    You’re in my soul, yo.

  44. On April 9th, 2010 at 4:30 am Wicked Shawn Says:

    California stuns flying cockroaches into a stupor leaving them unable to dive. totally safe. Also, you are completely doable on a level that far supasses that Rod Stewart person, who, well, really Bex, ick! Totally with Elly on this one. Just grosses me out to even think of him. Sidenote, I never steal, but everytime I come here, the mere mention at the bottom of your page tthat stealing gives you herpes makes me laugh so hard, I want to test the theory. I have defied nature this far, it just makes me want to see if I truly have built up some weird whore immunity……..sorry, unrelated, but had to be pointed out. No idea why.

  45. On April 9th, 2010 at 9:41 am NikkiWoods Says:

    AB: you are totally RAD! Yep, I said it. Those headphones are totally ridonkulous!

    Fuck, reading all these entries, now I want an IN-N-OUT burger!!

    FYI: Sonic isn’t even that great – well, the drinks and the ice cream are pretty good, but regular old BK makes a much better burger. Hmmm … maybe that is what I will have for lunch!

  46. On April 9th, 2010 at 10:03 am Sharon Says:

    Wake up, Becky, I think I got somethin to saaaay to you…

  47. On April 9th, 2010 at 4:40 pm Mikey D Says:

    If you want to get a rockstar in LA you gotta wear Beats by Dr. Dre. GOSH! i thought everyone knew that.

  48. On April 9th, 2010 at 6:17 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    All I can think of is Brett Michaels and Rock of Love.

  49. On April 10th, 2010 at 4:59 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Boof? Awesome.

  50. On April 11th, 2010 at 9:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Only the best word ever.

  51. On April 11th, 2010 at 9:34 pm Katherine Says:

    I’ve lived in Orange County for about 10 years, and have lived in San Diego for the past 9, and a long time ago live in LA (Pasadena for 2). Don’t recall any flying cockroaches…not too bad out here on the bug front, especially in the cities and such. I just got back from a weekend camping trip in the high desert, the bugs weren’t even that bad out there. I did have a fucking lizard sneak into my house on April Fools day, and there are some mice issues, but that’s what cats are for. CA is awesome. I’ve got an In-n-Out about 7 minutes from me, and a Sonic about 15 minutes away. Plus a 24 hour Jack in the Box right down the street…don’t forget Jack in the Box on this next trip!!

  52. On April 12th, 2010 at 12:14 pm Jenn Says:

    The Daver: β€œYou’re kind of delusional.”

    Aunt Becky: β€œI find it adds to my charm.”

    I WANT THIS ON A T-SHIRT!!! Please? Can we have Aunt Becky tshirts?

  53. On April 12th, 2010 at 12:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha! I should so make that shirt.

  54. On April 16th, 2010 at 7:00 pm Kendra Says:

    I cannot find the words to express how awful flying cockroaches are. I haven’t experienced them in LA (but I hardly left Burbank the entire time I was there). But imagine Subsaharan Africa, middle of the night, squatting over a hole in a concrete outhouse to deal with the aftermath of apparently not filtering the water QUITE enough–and when you give in and light a candle so you can get some idea of where you’re aiming, the closet you’re pooping in comes alive with flying cockroaches.

    The mere threat of repeating that experience would be enough to keep me out of California for life.

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