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When You’re Glad You’re Not Aunt Becky, Part Eleventy-Five


Aunt Becky: “Oooooh, I should make KEY LIME BARS tonight. It’s only 8:30 and House, MD is delayed and OOOOOO TASTY.”

Aunt Becky (wanders to the pantry): “OH I HAVE RICE TOO.”

Aunt Becky: “Who the fuck eats rice around here?”

Aunt Becky (pours Key Lime crust into pan and throws it into the preheated oven for 8 minutes): “I should take some Vitamin V to properly enjoy The House Experience.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m not sure how I like the new storyline. I think there should be more singing cats.”


Aunt Becky: “I am the celery pundit!”

Aunt Becky: “That’s PROBABLY the crowning achievement of my life. How pathetic.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m going to doodle ‘Aunt Becky Rules’ on the fridge. Certainly they ALL need a reminder. Perhaps THEN I can get my fake monkey butler Mr. Pinchey!”

Aunt Becky: “Celery is fucking bullshit.”

Aunt Becky (wanders outside to check on roses): “Full moon. Explains a lot. I should give the full moon a FULL MOON.”

(gives full moon a full moon)

Aunt Becky: “I hope my neighbors saw that.”

Aunt Becky (wanders back inside): “Wonder if House, MD is on. We’re not getting back together until he gets a haircut. Prison mullet looks like, well, Prison Mullet. Why can’t he be all Michael Scoffield hot?”

Aunt Becky (spies pan sitting back atop stove, timer blaring): “OOOO. SHIT. DID I ACCIDENTALLY NOT THROW THE PAN IN THE OVEN? I’M SUCH A FUCKING DUMBASS, SWEET BABY JESUS.”

Aunt Becky (reaches to grab pan): “I can totally pretend I MEANT to leave that out….OH BLOODY FUCKING HELL HOT FUCK GODDAMMIT.”


Moral of the story: when in doubt, use a test subject to handle all potentially hot items. Alternately, an oven mitt. But mostly a test subject.

18 Comments to

“When You’re Glad You’re Not Aunt Becky, Part Eleventy-Five”

  1. On October 11th, 2011 at 10:45 am Very Rusty Says:

    Oh how I wish I was your neighbor. No, wait, that’d mean I’d be in Chicago, not Florida.


  2. On October 11th, 2011 at 10:52 am Archaeogoddess Says:

    Holy Crappola, you have house elves! Only explanation for how the pie crust magicked itself out of the oven. Motherfuckin’ house elves.

  3. On October 11th, 2011 at 11:43 am Kimmy Says:

    THIS is why I follow you on twitter. You keep proving its not just me.

  4. On October 11th, 2011 at 11:53 am Sapphire Anastasia Says:

    It is nice to know someone else as an attention span like mine. I am not alone, after all.

  5. On October 11th, 2011 at 12:04 pm Chris in PHX Says:

    In my kitchen the stove is next to the kitchen door to go outside, and since the house is like elevty five years you need to flip the porch light on to power the outlet the stove is plugged into (classy, I know huh) at one point I turned on the oven (my first gas oven mind you) to preheat it and wandered off and got sidetracked by something…Anywho, 20 minutes last I remember the stove walk in the kitchen and can smell the gas. Oops, forgot to flip the switch so the gas had been on for a good 15-20 minutes. In 3 years Ive repeated this about 4 times. I have since banished myself from using the stove until its replaced with an electric one that I wont blow the damn block up using.

  6. On October 11th, 2011 at 12:16 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Couple of things…

    1.) Full moon’s tonight. It’s a Hunters moon, go hunt something.
    B.) Celery is good in soup. (PleaseDon’tHitMe. ThankYouVeryMuch.)
    III.) I did that pan thing once with a candy thermometer. It was falling out of the pan and I grabbed it, oops. When a thermometer says it’s over 200 degrees, believe it.
    4.) Can I borrow your butler some day?

    Thank You.

  7. On October 11th, 2011 at 1:03 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    And this here is why you are my BFF. I am not alone in my attention span of a gnat, I am not the only person who burns myself on hot things all the time (maybe I am I seriously burn myself on the oven almost daily). And I LOVE your random tweets!

  8. On October 11th, 2011 at 2:15 pm Pamela Gold Says:

    Some days, if it weren’t for your whit, I’d be in a corner rocking back and forth.

  9. On October 11th, 2011 at 2:37 pm Tracie Says:

    Stories like this reaffirm my decision to never ever cook anything.

  10. On October 11th, 2011 at 3:17 pm Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd Says:

    If it makes you feel any better, I was watching the U.S. Open (tennis edition) and Rafael Nadal had bandages on all his fingers, and it was because he touched a hot plate at a restaraunt. And so the whole week, every time he played, the announcers had to explain this. So, I think what I’m saying is you are so close to being a men’s tennis champion.

  11. On October 11th, 2011 at 3:55 pm Gwinn Says:

    The attention span is the first thing to go…

  12. On October 11th, 2011 at 5:05 pm Liz Says:

    Ooh, shiny! Glad I’m not the only one who can forget the steps they’re on. Once did that with trifle – added so much brandy that you could have lit the fumes on fire because I at least tripled the amount to put on the sponge cake.

    Oh no, I’ve got steaks under the broiler! Seriously!

  13. On October 11th, 2011 at 7:01 pm Alexis Says:

    Am i the incubus for saying that I think Chase is hotter than House? I like Wilson, but he vaguely resembles my dad so he’s not hot.

  14. On October 11th, 2011 at 7:07 pm katrina Says:

    I’m impressed that you were baking!!

  15. On October 11th, 2011 at 8:14 pm Alexis Says:

    My mom once cooked a griled cheese sandwich at my aunt’s house. It was the first time she had ever used or possibly even had ever seen in use an electric stove except on TV, and on tV the electric coils on the burner were always bringht orange whenever the burner was on. Her mom had always had gas stoves, as had most of the relatives, or so she says to explain her idiotic behavior. i personally find it hard to believe that a sixteen-year-old had never actually seen an electric stove when it was turned on, but that’s her story and she appears to be sticking to it. Anyway, she turned the stove on medium and when the coil didn’t turn orange, she thought that meant the burned was not heating up. She touched the coil with her index finger and burned her fingertip practically to a crisp. What you did is at least two standard deviations smarter than what my mom did on any IQ test.

  16. On October 11th, 2011 at 8:52 pm Kristin Says:

    Holy Shit…that sounds painful.

  17. On October 12th, 2011 at 9:56 am CycleNinja Says:

    In a word…SQUIRREL!

  18. On October 12th, 2011 at 1:14 pm Marta Says:

    Lol. You’d be an awesome neighbor.

    Also, I feel like I have similar baking ADD, though with less injury.

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