Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

When You Need A Little Coke And Sympathy


In a stunning fit of personal irony, I have completely lost my voice. Now, normally, when I’m sick, I get a head cold, pop some sudafed and move the hell on with my life. The last time I lost my voice, well, I can’t remember the last time I actually lost it completely.I think it may have been when I had my tonsils out at age 14. Talk about a fun time!

Normally when ill, I sound like a cross between Janis Joplin and one of the twins from the Simpsons (Thelma?), but now I sound like a balloon that has been stepped on. Repeatedly.

Dave is also sick but he has a fever, which essentially means that he’ll lounge around on the couch looking almost normal until I ask him to help me with something. When that happens, he’ll stop burbbling and drooling on the couch and start using a high-pitched voice while he weakly says things like, “The LIGHT, I can SEE THE LIGHT! DON’T GO TOWARD THE LIGHT! Mother, is THAT YOU?”

He’s trying with all of his might to out-sick me.



Today is National Blog For Choice Day, in celebration of the anniversary of Roe v Wade.

What most people don’t suspect, in not knowing me, is that since I chose to have my son Benjamin, rather than have an elective abortion, is that I must be anti-choice (as this is my blog, I refuse to buy into the whole pro-life terminology. I don’t actually believe that pro-life is anything but a nasty-sounding term, as most people, without referring to abortions would not voluntarily call themselves “anti-life.” Unless you’re suicidal it makes very little sense.).

Despite the evidence, I am overwhelmingly pro-choice.

I won’t try and bore you with the whys, the hows and all of the other details, as I don’t write well if I’m trying to be political and/or deep and meaningful. Besides 99% of what I might say have been better said by other, smarter, and more eloquent people.

But today I wholeheartedly celebrate Roe v Wade, who has allowed many women to choose how they want their own bodies managed.

[Imagine a nifty little graphic here. I can’t figure out how the hell to put it here. Becky = idiot.]


If Dave and I make it through today without killing each other, I will consider it a major personal victory. Instead of being disgustingly sweet which is my standard MO when ill, I am full of The Angry.

So full of The Angry that I am trolling around looking for someone who can help me break in my new (pink) boxing gloves, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, heh, heh, heh. I need to ensure that I don’t have any contact with strangers today, lest they meet the completely irrational Becky that I have become.

So whose ass should I kick today? Anyone in particular?

posted under It's Becky, Bitch
21 Comments to

“When You Need A Little Coke And Sympathy”

  1. On January 22nd, 2008 at 12:25 pm Melissa C Says:

    Does the universe have an ass? The universe as a whole needs an ass kicking.

    However, that may be somewhat unsatisfying for you.. so may I suggest the delightful soul who decided my mini-van required additional decorations last week?

  2. On January 22nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm Pauline Says:

    How’s about my dentist, who happened to inflict an awful amount of pain on my mouth this morning? Me=feeling like I got punched repeatidly in the mouth.

  3. On January 22nd, 2008 at 1:12 pm Kim Says:

    Ass Kickin………there are so many in need, I cannot choose just one.

    And……..The Daver, it’s hidious that they always try and out-sick us.
    I have the same trouble with Mine.

  4. On January 22nd, 2008 at 12:38 pm Heather Says:

    Me, so I can haul my ass out of bed at an ungodly hour. Disgraceful.

    As for the loss of voice, I can only send my sympathy. Mine took three days, and a fun three days it was (particularly with wiley children always needing something like food and clean pants – and a Daver, in your case).

  5. On January 22nd, 2008 at 2:05 pm Calliope Says:

    out sicking. heh.
    I will write you a note: Aunt Becky is the SICKEST!

    oh yes you are.

  6. On January 22nd, 2008 at 3:56 pm Emily Says:

    Since you are on an ass-kicking mission anyway and looking for targets, may I suggest:
    1) The four twenty-something guys who have turned the townhouse next to ours into the pit of despair, making noise at all hours and attracting vermin
    2) My husband’s company, which will be taking him to LA next week. Now, he is actually there now and has been for a week and a half, so I don’t even know why he’s bothering to come home tomorrow.

  7. On January 22nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm Stefanie Says:

    I can’t recommend anyone’s ass to kick but I can tell you this: both my fucking twins are sick and crying almost constantly. Neither my husband or I are sleeping and my daughter is having so many accidents in her pants that she was sent home from school on Friday. Kind of puts your little “flu” in perspective bitch! Okay, okay, the flu does suck. I hope you get your voice back soon but in the meantime, keep writing!

  8. On January 22nd, 2008 at 4:51 pm kbreints Says:

    OMG I lost my voice for the first time ever in October and it was aweful! I am the kind of sick person that wants everyone to know that I am sick and to feel sorry for me. My husband just wants to be left alone.

  9. On January 22nd, 2008 at 4:57 pm Kristine Says:

    Good for you. Making a choice about your own body. (For some reason people who are “pro-life” don’t understand that pro-choice means the choice to choose life if you want, while not restricting someone else’s choice, and I shudder when they call pro-choice people pro-abortion…no one is pro-abortion – abortions suck all the way around – it’s a tough decision to have to make, but I’m not in a postion to tell anyone else what to do with their body. GAH – now I’m pissed.)

    My “needs an ass kickin’ list” has been growing today – but they’re mostly work related, so…maybe I shouldn’t really put a hit out on them.

  10. On January 22nd, 2008 at 5:01 pm Leslee Says:

    Heh. I love it when I lose my voice and have to work. Since dispatching kinda requires a person to be heard and all, it can be very interesting. I’m sure you can imagine all the inappropriate comments made to me regarding the reason I lost my voice. Yeah… We EMS people are perverts. LOL

    Um… You can kick Boy Scouts’ ass. I loathe fucking Boy Scouts, yet I have to drag my son and my nephew there tonight. Huzzah.

  11. On January 22nd, 2008 at 5:43 pm Jenn Says:

    I think that you have the exact same thing that I had. Do you think it’s possible to catch shit through the internet? I’m starting to think so…

    Abortion isn’t a choice for me personally. Although I don’t necessarily understand why someone would make that choice (with some obvious exceptions like rape and health reasons) I fully support a woman’s right to make that choice for herself.

  12. On January 22nd, 2008 at 5:46 pm Jenn Says:

    Oh! I forgot to comment on your husband. Why the hell is it that men can be sick with just a slight sniffle and they mope around all day, whiney and expecting us to wait on them? My husband is the same way! He’ll stay in bed all day or lay on the couch. When I’m sick I still have to do everything I would normally do. It’s annoying.

  13. On January 22nd, 2008 at 7:10 pm Karen Says:

    Oh, sick men are the greatest. They whine. They milk anything as minor as a hang nail. And of course they see “the light” if they are asked for anything. LOL. so typical.

  14. On January 22nd, 2008 at 7:47 pm Angela Says:

    You’re allowing me to provide you with options? Seriously? Well, as much as I was feeling sorry for her for quite some time, I’d be happy to let you kick Britney Spears’s ass today. Sick of this attention-starved wreck gumming up my evening programming.

  15. On January 22nd, 2008 at 9:16 pm Redneck Mommy Says:

    My husband needs his ass kicked. The asshat just invited his entire family over for a sledding party on Saturday and HE”S NOT GOING TO BE HERE.

    He set me up. And now I’m stuck with the in laws.

    So ya, he needs his ass kicked.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  16. On January 23rd, 2008 at 11:53 am becky Says:

    Ooooohhh. Redneck Mommy, I feel your pain. It burns, my anger does.

  17. On January 23rd, 2008 at 4:08 pm PiquantMolly Says:

    I’ve never really lost my voice (that, truly, would render me entirely useless), but it always happens in my dreams. I’m always trying to yell but can only whisper.

    As for asses to kick, my favorite choice is always Ann Coulter.

  18. On January 24th, 2008 at 1:52 am Lindz Says:

    oh, so your sick? (puts up arm to punch)

  19. On January 24th, 2008 at 1:54 am Lindz Says:

    arrgh..COMMENT WWAS SUPPOSE TO READ, puts up arm to BLOCK punch!!

    yeah, Im not a good proof reader..

  20. On January 24th, 2008 at 3:01 pm honeywine Says:

    Try having your tonsils out at 31. The sicko nurse (no offense) kept telling me how the 8yr old down the hall was handling it just fine! I so wanted to say to her, “really? did her doc come out of surgery fascinated by the humongous size of hers too?” Yeah, he really took a lot of pleasure in telling me they were the biggest he had ever seen. It’s hell when you REALLLLLLYY WANT TO TALK and you can’t! I hope you feel better soon.

  21. On January 25th, 2011 at 3:20 pm Kat Says:

    My only problem with abortion is that it is too easily abused. The vast majority of the reasons are selfish…a lot of people have forgotten about adoption (I was adopted).

    We humans do love to be selfish though..

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