Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

When Refrigerators Attack


Scene 1 – My new kitchen, middle of the work day on Thursday:

Me (humming the Flight of the Bumblebees and wondering how THAT became my theme song): “Man, I am THIRSTY. I should grab a nice, tasty beverage from my fridge.”

My Fridge: “You need to eat something.”

Me: “Says you – I’m not hungry.”

My Fridge: “All you use me for is to stow diet Coke and the occasional food for The Littles.”

Me: “One word: Divorce Diet.”

My Fridge: “That was two words.”

Me: “Yeah, well *sputters* SO?”

My Fridge: “If you’d EATEN something you’d have known that statement was, in fact, two words.”

Me: “Yeah, well, have YOU been through a divorce?”

My Fridge: “Nope. Still with the oven – we’ve been together since 1956.”

Me: “Well balls to you then, Mister.”

My Fridge: “No need to get hostile. If you ate something, you’d be less hostile.”

Me: “No, I’d be less hostile if you were the actual size and shape of a REAL fridge. You’re like the Napoleon of fridges – short man syndrome and all that.”

My Fridge: “It’s called “compact,” which you’d know if you’d EATEN anything in the last week or two.”

Me: “Shut your whore mouth. I just want a diet Coke. Can you let up for one fucking second about the “you need to eat” shit? It’s getting old.”

My Fridge: “You know you’re probably embalmed already by the amount of diet Coke you drink.”

Me: “So? Makes the mortician’s job easier.”

My Fridge: “That’s a dreary thought.”

Me: “YOU brought it up.”

My Fridge: “Touche.”

Me: “So are we done with this lecture yet? It’s been enlightening and all, but I gotta get back to work.”

My Fridge: “As you wish.”

I reach down to grab a diet Coke from the bottom shelf and, upon standing back up, thwump the back of my head on the door to the freezer, which was made well before anyone thought about safety or end user error. Rather than standing up and shaking it off, instead, I fall backward, prized diet Coke in hand, and adding insult to injury, bash my head against the chipped Formica floor and am knocked unconscious.

Minutes pass.


Scene 2: I wake up in a pool of my own blood and a throbbing headache.

Me: “That wasn’t very nice.”

My Fridge: “Neither was implying I had “short man syndrome.” That was UN-nice, which you’d know if…”

Me: “…I’d eaten? Sorry Fridge, but eating doesn’t exactly cure all that ails you.”

My Fridge: “Still, it was a mean comment.”


My Fridge: “I don’t have legs.”

Me: “SO not my problem.”

My Fridge: “Go clean yourself off – you’re dripping blood everywhere. It’s unsightly.”

Me: “So’s your FACE.”

My Fridge: “Now that was just stupid.”

Me (wobbling off to the shower): “Yeah, well.”

My Fridge (calling after me): “Don’t you think you should call someone about your head?”

Me: “I have a therapist.”

My Fridge (trails off as I get into the shower): “That’s not what I meant – you’re woozy and look like you have a concussion.”

Me: “Oh NOW you feel concern – this IS your fault, y’know.”

Refrigerator goes silent, for once, as I sit in the shower, washing off the blood.

Me (mutters): “Fucking appliances… always out to get me.

The Shower Faucet: “Have you eaten yet?”

Me: “Shut your whore mouth, assface.”

23 Comments to

“When Refrigerators Attack”

  1. On October 22nd, 2012 at 9:56 am @mkuzia58 Says:

    RT @mommywantsvodka: When Refrigerators Attack

  2. On October 22nd, 2012 at 10:00 am Morgaine Fey Says:

    Diet Coke is the drink of the GODS. ALL OF THEM. Continue embalming yourself; it is the path of the divine.

    Just don’t divorce diet to dead. Hard to ball post-divorce that way.

    Hugs to you Aunt Becky!


  3. On October 22nd, 2012 at 10:18 am Sandy Says:

    It’s one thing to have appliances talking to you, but a completely different situation when they start attacking you.

    I’d take the oven hostage just to show the fridge who’s in charge.

  4. On October 22nd, 2012 at 4:00 pm Lynda M O Says:

    while you can still bake brownies !~!

  5. On October 22nd, 2012 at 10:25 am Marian Allen Says:

    OwOwOw! It’s usually my car that attacks me this way, although it doesn’t nag me to eat. I think it’s taking revenge for all the bumps and scrapes I’ve put on it. But I’m all like, “Oops! Sorry I seem to have backed into a tree — guess I’ve had one too many cracks on the head from the car door frame.” Huh!

  6. On October 22nd, 2012 at 10:34 am The Comedy Ninja (@ComedyNinja) Says:

    When Refrigerators Attack

  7. On October 22nd, 2012 at 10:47 am Triplezmom Says:

    While I’m a firm believer in Diet Coke, I do wish you’d eat something. There’s Divorce Diet and then there’s giving yourself a concussion. I mean, I know it was the refrigerator’s fault, but still. Hugs.

  8. On October 22nd, 2012 at 11:16 am cw Says:

    Classic! Love this, I too am on the divorce diet, my vice being coffee..I just my Keurig doesn’t start talking back or beating me up! Great blog..

  9. On October 22nd, 2012 at 11:18 am chrisinphx Says:

    Ab you really need to be permanently encased in bubble wrap. It’s for the best, trust me

  10. On October 22nd, 2012 at 1:45 pm Grace Says:

    So glad you were able to find humor in cracking your head open! I’m still pissed about the douchiness involved in the aftermath of that.

    Bubble wrap would be a good thing. But maybe that evil freezer handle is the one that should be wrapped in bubble wrap…

  11. On October 22nd, 2012 at 2:36 pm Pete In Az Says:

    My stove is the one trying to kill me. Thank goodness for circuit breakers.


    “So? Makes the mortician’s job easier.”

    That’s Aunt Becky… Always thinking of others.

    That’s why we love her so much.

  12. On October 22nd, 2012 at 3:34 pm Cindy Says:

    I just peed on the couch. #thisiswhyiloveyou

  13. On October 22nd, 2012 at 4:10 pm roxie Says:

    Srsly, you need to eat. Something with nutrients and protein. Not just Nutrasweet.

  14. On October 22nd, 2012 at 9:12 pm Jaime Says:

    when you start arguing with your fridge, it might be time to consider professional help…

    wait… I’ve been doing that for years…. fuck.. nevermind.

  15. On October 22nd, 2012 at 11:40 pm Joules Says:

    I hate to collude with the fridge, but eat something, yo. And tell that fridge to suck it.

  16. On October 23rd, 2012 at 6:58 am V Says:

    Ok, you (and some of your commenters) do seriously need to eat!! Or maybe switch to coffee. Or just write a book! This post was hilarious!

  17. On October 23rd, 2012 at 7:39 am Elizabeth Says:

    Eat something already! haha
    Too funny!!!!!

  18. On October 23rd, 2012 at 10:36 am Aunt Becky (@mommywantsvodka) Says:

    When Refrigerators Attack

  19. On October 23rd, 2012 at 12:46 pm Marta Says:

    Oh you always amuse me with your plights. My laptop is begging me to ask, “have you eaten yet?”

  20. On October 23rd, 2012 at 9:08 pm random cow bell guy Says:

    Poor beck. Please be careful. We sho nuff doan wan dat on ur headstone.. beck 0 refer 1.

  21. On October 23rd, 2012 at 11:06 pm alexis (You can call me Al) Says:

    I don’t want to badmouth divorce diets or their ilk, as I haven’t been there yet, but I would be remiss in my obligation as your niece if I did not remind you of two things: Thing Number One: = bacon; Thing Number Two = Pillsbury Orange Danish ****

    **** with apologies to Dr. Seuss, who had a very different perception of Thing Number One and Thing Number Two

  22. On October 27th, 2012 at 8:31 am Catherine Says:

    Hahaha! Glad I am not the only one who gives life to my vices and appliances. Looking forward to more.

  23. On October 31st, 2012 at 9:17 am When I Get Sad, I Stop Being Sad and Start Being Awesome - Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] best to keep my head up through the storms and keep one foot in front of the other – that is, when I’m not too busy falling over kitchen appliances and giving myself minor concussions – and keep on […]

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