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When Powdered Sugar Attacks


There are very few things I love as much as I love waffles. Even better than regular boring waffles are the ones I can order from Room Service, but really, what doesn’t taste better when delivered by a small man in a tuxedo? NOTHING.

Alas, this is not an ode to room service.

It is unfortunate that my children have also decided that waffles = full of the awesome. Not because they are wrong or anything (which is fairly common while dealing with small people who poop their pants), but because with waffles come condiments.

While I’m thankful that these condiments do not include ketchup, which, knowing my crotch parasites, could easily be the case, I sorta wish they’d decide to use something like WD-40 or super glue to top those delicious mounds of goodness.

Every morning, I wake up, blearily stumble down the stairs and pour myself a cup of coffee and, upon rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I realize that I’ve been victim of a minor terrorist attack. Sprinkled everywhere from the highest counter-top to the floor, is anthrax.

So, because I am still half-asleep, I begin yelling (to no one, as I am alone), “THE TERRORISTS DONE GOTTED ME! IMMA DIE OF ANTHRAX!“as I run around the house looking for expired antibiotics prescribed to my dog like eight years ago.

It takes me a couple minutes, a lick of the counter-top and a few laps around my house to realize that no, in fact, this was decidedly not a terrorist attack. I am in no more danger of catching anthrax in my kitchen than I am when I visit Urgent Care. In fact, Urgent Care is MORE likely to give me anthrax or polio or something.

No, what has now coated my kitchen in a deliciously sweet dust is powdered sugar. From the waffles that my kids eat.

For some reason, my benevolent children believe that the coffee maker, the dishwasher and the toaster oven like the taste of powdered sugar as much as they do. Or at least, that’s my suspicion as to why the powdered sugar is miles away from the kitchen table. I like to believe that my children are practicing kindness, not being lazy assbags, while they decorate my kitchen every motherfucking morning, trying to look out for the betterment of the appliances rather than opting out of using a spoon to scoop the stuff onto their waffles.

That is how I comfort myself each day as I scrub powdered sugar out of the most bizarre nooks of my kitchen.

If only the same could be said for their roaming sock colonies.

35 Comments to

“When Powdered Sugar Attacks”

  1. On September 7th, 2011 at 11:20 am Ruth Says:

    Those lazy assbags…LOL

  2. On September 7th, 2011 at 11:32 am Meg Says:

    That has got to be an awesome way to wake up. My own crotch parasites somehow booby trapped my egg carton by removing all of the eggs and replacing them with staples and thumb tacks from my office….we have yet to figure out what they did with the eggs..

  3. On September 7th, 2011 at 11:45 am The iHubby Says:

    Seriously, I just love how you called your kids “lazy assbags”. Just brilliant.

  4. On September 7th, 2011 at 12:07 pm Abby Says:

    Sadly, I just came back from a meeting in which my ad manager had a schmear of powdered sugar on his face from he assumed to be clandestine consumption of mini donuts. He is a lazy assbag. I did not alert him to that fact–or the powdered sugar.

  5. On September 7th, 2011 at 12:09 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    Isn’t THAT clean up fun?

    I discovered my children’s love for powdered sugar when one of them cut the top off a bag and had been eating it with a spoon. I know this to be the case because I went to grab WHAT I THOUGHT was a new unopened bag out of the cupboard, only to find it folding in half and dumping piles of it on my head, face, and counter. I looked like I’d been digging around in the evidence room at the cop shop!

  6. On September 7th, 2011 at 12:10 pm Lovely Simulacrum Says:

    Wow… it took me a shocking second or two to realize what/who your crotch parasites were. I wish my mom had had such creative terms of endearment for me! Damn it, Mom!!!!

  7. On September 7th, 2011 at 12:30 pm Caroline Says:

    eurk! Powdered sugar has got to be the nastiest thing in the world.
    No wait………..spam is worst.

  8. On September 7th, 2011 at 12:36 pm Andy Says:

    I think they are just feeding the fairies. At least that’s what I tell Hilary every time I spill sugar in the kitchen and forget to clean it up!

  9. On September 7th, 2011 at 12:40 pm Kristin Says:

    Children are inherently lazy assbags. Yours just have a unique method of demonstrating their assbaggery.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  10. On September 7th, 2011 at 12:44 pm celiadelia Says:

    Last night my toddler was about two seconds from throwing a handful of grits across the dining room. If you’ve never cooked grits, they have the sticking power you are looking for in a waffle topping. Anyhow, it was a long day and I looked right at my baby and said ” DO NOT FUCK WITH ME.” I am still recovering from his one man yogurt fight.

  11. On September 7th, 2011 at 12:50 pm Whitney Soup Says:

    ha! great story. great writing. 🙂 🙂 😀

  12. On September 7th, 2011 at 1:04 pm celiadelia Says:

    I am still trying to decide if this is more funny or horrifying. I don’t even let him watch tv and I dropped the f bomb right on him. Thank GOD he isn’t talking yet.

  13. On September 7th, 2011 at 1:05 pm BerserkFather Says:

    Doing anything before coffee (or whatever your favorite caffeine delivery vehicle is) is just never fun… but at least this time it was funny!

  14. On September 7th, 2011 at 1:37 pm Heather Says:

    Might I suggest you invest in one of these??

    It won’t eliminate the mess but perhaps it would center it more closely to the actual table….

    Or they could dust the toaster with more ease…. 🙂

  15. On September 7th, 2011 at 1:52 pm Abigail @ Skywaitress Says:

    Powdered sugar has to be one of those most evil of delicious substances. Seriously even I, a full grown adult who rarely if ever poops my pants, can’t keep it contained to my plate. Not only does it end up all over the counter when I’m preparing the food but I basically have to eat naked because if not I end up with a full coat of white all over my clothes.

    Powdered sugar is the Tribbles of food toppings.

  16. On September 7th, 2011 at 2:07 pm Liz Says:

    Powdered sugar is the Tribbles of food toppings – Hah!!!!!!

    My kids only get waffles on weekends and I haven’t introduced them to the awesome potential of powdered sugar on them. I have childhood memory scars from my older sisters and powdered sugar. Don’t ask, don’t tell, can’t make me…

  17. On September 7th, 2011 at 2:17 pm Elise Says:

    It is amazing to me how kids manage to get stuff everywhere. Without even trying. Sometimes, I look at my godson and think, “How in the WORLD did you get ketchup on the bottom of your feet, inside your ear, and tangled in your hair without even moving?” I think they have superpowers that begin to wane in the late teenage years.

  18. On September 7th, 2011 at 2:35 pm steph gas Says:

    i prefer my powdered sugar on zeppole. delicious. i was GOING to cook actual ‘dinner’ tonight but now i may need to order pizza and zeppole.

  19. On September 7th, 2011 at 3:19 pm Heli Says:

    And to think, it could be syrup! Embrace the powdered sugar 🙂

  20. On September 7th, 2011 at 4:49 pm Jennifer Bohrer Says:

    I only like powdered sugar when its blended and whipped into a pound of butter to transform into an awesome bowl o frosting….yeessss come to meeee.
    One of our fond family memories was of the huge gallon jar of honey Dad brought home. We snuck into that thing with spoons, pencils, toys….there were even a few coins down in the bottom of it, and of course sticky trails EVERYWHERE….good times…

  21. On September 7th, 2011 at 5:15 pm Cindy Says:

    yeah, as cute as your kids are, the powdered sugar attack reminds me why I never had kids. I love you.

  22. On September 7th, 2011 at 6:09 pm Emma Says:

    My kids get cereal. BRAN cereal, and toast as a treat on weekends, haha! You are a much nicer mum than I am!

  23. On September 7th, 2011 at 6:34 pm Taube Says:

    OMG I just got my period and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna die if I don’t shove a waffle dripping in syrup and powdered sugar into my waffle-hole right now! Is there any chance you can hand me one? I’m in Massachusetts. Are your arms that long?

  24. On September 7th, 2011 at 7:20 pm Erica Says:

    love this damn blog! I crack up! Thanks so much
    your an inspiration to mine! lol

  25. On September 7th, 2011 at 9:34 pm a Says:

    Did you know that down here in the south, they eat their waffles with syrup? There is nothing better than a waffle topped with melted butter and powdered sugar becoming one with the melted butter. I sometimes try to introduce this delicacy to my daughter, and she does approve. But then I watch her eat, and watch the powdered sugar hit the table and the floor, and I think..syrup is just fine.

  26. On September 7th, 2011 at 10:30 pm tilly Says:

    My kids were taught by my husband to put. PEANUT.BUTTER. On waffles. Then top with syrup. Imagine THAT cleanup.

  27. On September 7th, 2011 at 11:23 pm Jayme Says:

    Powdered sugar is way less evil than syrup to clean up.

  28. On September 8th, 2011 at 1:25 am Alexandra/Empress Says:

    Thank you for saying what I won’t let myself say.

    That’s why you’re the one with the vodka.

  29. On September 8th, 2011 at 8:53 am Tom Says:

    OMG. Waffles ROCK! Might be time for a visit to Waffle House where someone else gets to clean up after my lazy assbag self!

  30. On September 8th, 2011 at 10:34 am Blazngfyre Says:

    Ah yes … my own sammich grabbin’, curtain climbin’ carpet monkey will ONLY eat waffles for breakfast.
    But they have to have syrup.
    Believe you me, I would rather have my house coated in anthrax looking powdered sugar than the super glue that syrup becomes.

  31. On September 8th, 2011 at 1:50 pm Marta Says:

    OMG, my son is obsessed with powdered sugar. He gets it everywhere and honestly he also licks it off his waffle. AND THEN PUTS MORE ON.

  32. On September 8th, 2011 at 1:59 pm Andrea Says:

    Now I feel slightly negligent for not introducing my youth tenants to powdered sugar…and I am regretting the time spent THINKING that I wiped up all of the syrup!

  33. On September 8th, 2011 at 11:08 pm Working Mommy Says:

    buwahahahahahaha…I can only imagine what my kiddos are going to get into when they get bigger…makes me thankful that they are still small enough to be confined to their cribs for the time being!!


  34. On September 9th, 2011 at 1:35 pm Kelly Says:

    Powdered sugar + children = pure unadulterated evil.

  35. On September 17th, 2011 at 1:57 am Grace Says:

    I hate powdered sugar.

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