Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

When Is A Sex Toy Not A Sex Toy?


….when it’s a back massager.

I’ve been writing (often badly) about love and sex for years, which, Imma be straight with you, Pranksters, Carrie Bradshaw makes seem much more glamorous than it truly is. I mean, I’ve never actually made enough to outfit my closet in anything besides Target Sale Stuffs, not Manolo Blahnik’s, and I’m okay with that. Shoes for $400 bucks would make me nervous and twitchy the same way owning a Ferrari in New York would: while sometimes pretty, it’s not worth the anxiety it would cause. I mean, if I ruin a $20 pair of shoes, I’m annoyed with myself. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I broke $400 worth of footwear.

Alas, I digress.

Because I happen to own a blog that ends with “blog,” I’m often hit up by PR companies to send me such items as “a coupon for a frozen dinner” that the PR company is just CERTAIN I’ll want to wax poetic about to my awesome Pranksters, not understanding that I rarely eat, and when I do, it’s not the cause for a blog post. I’m no cooking blogger, y’all, and I normally want to hork anytime anyone posts pictures of food. It just doesn’t translate well without a $5,000 camera and professional lighting set-up, which, Pranksters, I neither have nor want. Who wants to look at their pores under those lights? (answer: not me)

Once in awhile, though, I’ll receive an offer for a sex toy, which, duh, of course I take it. Doesn’t mean I need to write a soft-core porn post, although that might be humorously disgusting, but still – who doesn’t like sex toys? (answer: people who hate fluffy kittens)(no, not SWEATER kittens).

Well before I moved, Lelo (link PROLLY not appropriate for work), who happens to be one of the best sex toy makers out there, somehow stumbled here and read about the pain in my neck and how I “give good spasm,” (neck spasms, Pranksters) and offered to send me one of their neck massagers. Which, after I’ve already done PT, weird drugs, seen a chiropractor, and bought a tens machine, all to no avail, I was more than willing to give a proverbial shot.

When it arrived, I’d already forgotten that Lelo had sent me something, so I was shocked to open the package and find this:

When is a sex toy not a sex toy

I goggled at it for awhile, certain that this couldn’t possibly be a sex toy. I mean, it LOOKS like a sex toy, but frankly, I couldn’t POSSIBLY begin to  imagine using that on anything other than my neck. The two men in my house disagreed.

Dave: “WOAH, why is there a huge penis charging on the kitchen counter?”

Me: “It’s not a penis, it’s a neck massager.”

Dave: “Bwahahahaha. No it’s not.”

Me: “I did pop three babies out of my vagina, but damns, that thing isn’t gonna fit there.”

Dave: “Bwahahahaha.”


(two hours later)

The Guy (Formerly) On My Couch: “Wow, Becks, nice dildo.”

Me (through clenched teeth): “It’s NOT a dildo.”

The Guy (Formerly) On My Couch: “Oh yes it is.”


So that was that. Two out of two men assumed that the neck massager I’d been using to work that knot from my neck, the one that had been there for three years was actually intended for the vagina. I had no way to make them understand that this neck massager was, in fact, a massager and not an extremely large dlido.

Finally, I approached the two of them, who were sitting on the couch together eating dinner and watching incredibly crappy television, neck massager in my hand.

“If this were a dildo,” I began. “Why on EARTH would a well-known sex toy company send me it under the guise of it being a “neck massager?”

They both stared at me, slack-jawed before nodding a bit.

“Gotta admit,” Dave began. “You have a point there,” finished The Guy (Formerly) On My Couch.

“Good,” I replied. “Glad we had this little talk.”

As I turned to walk out of the room, Dave leaned over and semi-whispered to The Guy (Formerly) On My Couch. “It’s totally a dildo.”

“Yep,” The Guy (Formerly) On My Couch replied. “It sure is.”

15 Comments to

“When Is A Sex Toy Not A Sex Toy?”

  1. On October 10th, 2012 at 9:57 am Aunt Becky (@mommywantsvodka) Says:

    When Is A Sex Toy Not A Sex Toy?

  2. On October 10th, 2012 at 10:05 am Mel Says:

    Only in a world where men look at a map and think 1 inch equals 5 miles would they think it’s a dildo.

    It’s *not* a dildo.

    It *is* a vibrator.

    Yes, there’s a difference. This device would be used for clitoral stimulation. It certainly doesn’t go INSIDE. *cringing at the thought*

    Boys are dumb.

  3. On October 11th, 2012 at 4:04 am ScienceGeek Says:

    That was my first thought. Vibrator, not dildo, duh!

    My second thought was: That thing is the spitting image of a Hitachi Magic Wand. And Becky, I’m sorry to say the Hitachi is marketed as a massager, but I’m yet to see it anywhere near a neck. (In other words: your new toy is multi-functional, but one of those functions is sex-toy. So it’s like two for the price of one! Only it’s free, which is even better!)

    I just realised it’s probably not polite to admit you a) know of the Hitachi magic wand and b) have seen it in non-neck massaging action.

  4. On October 10th, 2012 at 10:13 am FFW Says:

    Look at the bright side—I have to PAY for all my sex toys. And, um, neck massagers. Those too.

  5. On October 10th, 2012 at 3:19 pm Andrea Raethka Says:

    lol, funny post.

  6. On October 10th, 2012 at 11:34 am Jennifer Harlow Says:

    If you use your imagination anything can be a sex toy. I had a friend who thought my electric toothbrush was one. I couldn’t look at it after that w/o chuckling. I’ve even heard of people who rub up against trees and laundry hampers. Regardless now you don’t have to turn bright red when you buy a massager at Target like the rest of us. SCORE!

  7. On October 10th, 2012 at 11:54 am Cindy DuBois Says:

    There is a great scene in Sex in The City where Samantha takes her vibrator back because it doesn’t work. She and the clerk have a funny/interesting conversation about whether it is a sex toy or not.

  8. On October 10th, 2012 at 2:25 pm Pete In Az Says:

    No no no…

    It looks NOTHING like a male… er… appendage… Nothing at all.


  9. On October 10th, 2012 at 3:46 pm Cindy Says:

    I once saw my friend’s little toddler girl holding my friend’s vibrating dildo in her mouth. I guess the child was teething?
    Also, uncrustables should totally send you free product. You’ve already written about them.

  10. On October 10th, 2012 at 5:26 pm SharleneT Says:

    My guess, is when your neck hurts – it’s a multitasking tool. Thanks for sharing. Come visit when you can.

  11. On October 10th, 2012 at 7:40 pm alexis (You can call me Al) Says:

    Can you send me the email address for the company from which you received the dildo, I mean the NECK MASSAGER? I want to buy my mom one for Christmas.

  12. On October 10th, 2012 at 8:56 pm Rox Says:

    AHAHAHA. Too funny. I have a “neck massaging” Lelo as well. I don’t use it on my neck, if you know what im sayin. (Wink, wink) Best invention in the world. Not kidding, I am glad I skipped out on buying some cheap thing and shelled out a pretty shiny ass hundred and some odd bucks to get her. Yes, I said HER. Because she is quite fucking beautiful.

  13. On October 11th, 2012 at 9:06 am Leslie Says:

    So I have to ask the obvious…did it work? On your neck, I mean. Of course.

  14. On October 11th, 2012 at 11:41 am Liane Greathead Says:

    Ha! I love this post.

  15. On October 12th, 2012 at 2:17 pm Gunfighter Says:

    If my skin wasn’t so dark, I would blush.

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