Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

When “He’s My Father” Makes Everyone Feel Awkward


My family is big on traditions. Probably not the same ones that your family practices because, well, unless they make Shwetty Balls* for Christmas, it’s likely that ours may be unique to our twisted family. One of the more innocuous ones happens to be the Chicago Auto show, which comes to town every February like clockwork, and like a well oiled machine, some members of my family always go.

It’s mandatory for some, optional for others.

Members of my family have braved blizzards, ice storms and power outages to make it out for the auto show. It’s just that important. I’m surprised that Mr. (Dr.?) Darwin doesn’t have something to say about that, but let’s just leave it at stupidity clearly being genetic a genetic trait and move on.

As for me, like my parents’ anniversary, which has always ended in disaster one way or another, I tend to keep it OFF my calendar because Something always comes up. That Something changes year to year, but it’s safe to say that I’ll probably never get to go again. And not, like you may imagine, because I want to avoid it.

I do happen to have a vagina and I do happen to like both power tools and cars (lest you think me a closeted lesbian, I also like Chanel bags), and the auto show is always a blast. But many years ago now when I was 16 or 17, I went with my father and my uncle out to McCormick place and oogled cars.

Nothing like looking at cars can make a person work up an appetite, so afterwards, we traditionally go to China Town for lunch/dinner (linner?). It’s been awhile since I’ve gone with (for the aforementioned sinister-sounding Something has kept me apart) but I’d bet you that there’s a traditional restaurant they eat at every year as well.

The year I’m talking about, though, it was just my uncle, my father and I that went. My brother was off being Continental and/or Worldly and I was just pumped to be able to take a day off from high school where I didn’t have to have one of my friends call me in. And going to china town had a specific mission for me: I wanted a Kimono top.

(don’t judge)

(stop judging)

(seriously, knock that judgey shit OFF, I was COOL)

(shut UP)

My uncle had begged off, perhaps to go meet up with one of his motor head buddies–he’s an AVID Corvette Guy, which should mean something if you know any other Corvette People–so it was just my dad and I together in the store.

My father, I must explain, is one of the most modest people about the human body that I’ve ever met. I was an OOPS baby, I have an MUCH older brother, and I’d be willing to bet that my father had never imagined having a daughter, much less have to deal with her when she grew boobs. As a teenager, whenever I’d pop back downstairs on the way back to bed in an oversized shirt (nothing, I should add was hanging out), he’d scream, “ACK, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, REBECCA!” Then he would cover his eyes dramatically and refuse to open them again until I went upstairs.

And they say drama doesn’t run in families. (don’t they?)

He’d carry on whenever I was nursing one of the babies like I was flagrantly prancing about the room in pasties and a g-string trying to give my relatives a lap dance, and it’s grown to be sort of a joke. Aren’t you glad that YOUR family is so normal now?

But the fact that I had boobies now made him uncomfortable, and while I certainly didn’t really worry about my dad seeing me in my bra since he had, at one point (although, I should mention, not for many years) changed my poopy drawers, I respected that.

So he stood very uncomfortably at the front of the woman’s clothing boutique in China Town while the owner, a very nice lady, was trying to fit my decidedly Western shaped frame (which, doesn’t Western-shaped give you the mental picture of a cowboy boot or the state of Texas? Because it does me) into a Kimono top. I probably tried on 10 or 15 until I found one that didn’t make me look stupid.

(shut UP)

I told her I’d take it, the beautiful dark blue silk shirt with those crazy-cool clasps at the neck, and she took it up front to the register to ring it up. I finished piling my layers of winter clothes back on and carefully made my way back to the front of the store. I had to contort myself into all kinds of odd angles to get past the wall-to-wall racks of clothes, but finally there I was, at the front of the store. My dad looked relieved and somewhat red-eyed from the incense that was filling the room with sweet smelling acrid smoke and he whipped out his wallet and handed me some bills.

I went up to the register, where the lady had packed my new shirt into a plastic bag adorned with the store’s logo on it and looked at my total. As I was combining bills to pay her, she leaned forward, conspiratorially about to tell me something. Wondering if she was going to mention that she had an excellent supply of either opium or switchblades, I leaned it too.

“So,” she began, quietly but excited. “Is that your boyfriend?” Hand to God, she gave me a wink as she said boyfriend. She said it with unabashed glee, like a gossipy girlfriend who is about to tell you HOW FUCKING LUCKY YOU ARE to be dating the quarterback, because, like, he’s SO hot.

My mouth flopped open like a carp and I gaped openly at her. My BOYFRIEND?

“No,” I caught my tongue. “He’s NOT my boyfriend. He’s my father.”

She stared at me, I stared back and quickly paid. I guess there’s nothing like finding out that someone thinks that you’re

a) 20 years older than you are

b) that your father is 20 years younger than he was

3) People my age could actually manage to date guys my dad’s age.

I’m pretty sure when I told him this in a furtive whisper as we left the store, that the remaining half of his hair just went made a FUUUMP sound and all popped out of their follicles in one big bang. Had I been in the process of balding myself, I have a feeling my follicles would have let ’em go too.

I was thinking of reminding him of this story until I remembered that he’d probably forgotten this one on purpose and am leaving it at telling The Internet. Because obviously.

Now YOUR turn, Internet, come sit next to Aunt Becky here on the couch *pats seat.* I want to hear some crazy awkward stories as I address these envelopes for all of you. If you haven’t heard from me at all or sent me your address, shoot me an email to I am on the edge of my seat here, itching to know what you are going to come up with.

Well, I’m not technically ITCHING but, you know.

*beats “no cowbell” for best SNL skit by a mile

posted under Uncle Pervy
97 Comments to

“When “He’s My Father” Makes Everyone Feel Awkward”

  1. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:41 am pickel Says:

    wait, your father talked? He never talked around me…

  2. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:41 am Badass Geek Says:

    People used to think that my sister and I were boyfriend/girlfriend when we were out places with my family. I guess because she was (and always has been) a close-walker, and people just assumed.


  3. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:02 am Merritt Says:

    I’ve got all kinds of crazy, just no awkward. Last New Year’s Eve (my anniversary, incidently), I got into a fist fight with my psychoitc Aunt. Well, actually she pushed me (like a sissy) into the wall as I was leaving and I turned around and punched her. Why all the anger and aggression you ask? I wouldn’t hug her. How DARE I disrespect her in such a way. She is my aunt and my elder, and in this family WE HUG DAMNIT! And people wonder why I have personal space issues.

    Fucking psychos. All of em.

  4. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:25 am Kate Says:

    Oh ~ another one! Yeah, what can I say, my life is full of awkward moments, Aunt Becky! (I also wanted to link you to my blog since the other comment links you to my son’s caringbridge site).

    When my twin brother and I were 17, we went to get professional pictures done as a Mother’s Day gift for our mom. The woman was posing us in a very…. um… cozy… position, with me sitting on a stool between my brother’s legs and him leaning up close behind me. Then she instructed my brother to “put your arms around your girlfriend” and he yelled, “She’s not my girlfriend! She’s my sister!” The photographer was embarrassed and said, ‘Okay then, new pose!” LOL

    We were all laughing and the pictures turned out good, but it was definitely an awkward moment for my teenage brother and me.

  5. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:25 am Alyssa Says:

    Every Christmas season, my grandmother wears a festively decorated tree skirt (yes, the kind you put at the bottom of the Christmas tree) as a shawl. Out in public.

    I’ll have to look for a picture.

  6. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:33 am ZenMom Says:

    Loved this story. Wish I could think of something more clever or witty to say, but I’m still laughing to hard. 😉

  7. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:41 am Allyn Says:

    You had me at “Shwetty Balls” – seriously my favorite sketch ever. Good times.

  8. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:43 am Employee No. 3699 Says:

    I’ve had people think that my grandkids are my kids. Not funny, but totally awesome!

  9. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:45 am Notesfromthegrove Says:

    A couple of weeks ago my friend’s grandmother thought that my father was my HUSBAND. And that my nephew (my father’s grandchild) was OUR BABY.


  10. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:46 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    That is truly awkward. I can’t even come close to the level of discomfort with any of my stories. The only thing similar is that my dad was always very youthful looking and my friends would always tell me how good looking he was, which weirded me out and made me VERY uncomfortable. Nobody wants to talk about their parents in those terms.

    *And you are right, balls beat bell every time.

  11. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:47 am Lippy Says:

    I wrote about this on my blog a while ago, but it is still funny. In 4th or 5th grade I developed a lump on my chest. My dad took me to the doctor only to find out that I was “developing”. My dad asked him what I was “developing”. Then he proceeded to argue with the doctor about it. He kept telling the dr I was too young for boobs. I always thank mom for sending dad that day.

  12. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:50 am Applesauce Says:

    Hahahahahaha!!! OMG girl, you made me laugh with this one. You made his hair fall out in one FUUUMP.

    I got nuthin. I have never felt awkward. Not once. Ever.

  13. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:50 am a Says:

    Imagine what the commentary would have been if your uncle had come with you too – the cashier would have been VERY impressed!

    I’m sure there have been many awkward moments in my life -oh, who am I kidding? My life is one awkward moment after another – but I can’t think of one right now.

    Once, my sister (who is 7 years older than me) and I were in The Limited and one of the employees asked us if we were twins. There’s definitely a family resemblance, but we don’t really look that much alike.

  14. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:59 am Ashley Says:

    So, I have a couple awkward parent stories that might make you feel the teensiest bit better…

    A.) My parents are extremely young. I’m 24 and my dad is 41. My dad also happens to be a good-looking guy. (Alright, judgy people. Shut your yaps) So when we’d go out for father-daughter time (Dinner, movie, whatever have you) it wasn’t uncommon that people would think he was my older boyfriend. We just chuckled about it, because we’re pretty close-knit. And really, when your father looks like he’s 30 and you’re a teenager who looks like she’s in her early 20’s (not even kidding – people thought I was a sub teacher my first day at a new school) it happens. So it became a joke, not like we did anything weird like pretending we really were dating. We set those mo’fo’s straight. Though the most awkward of these outings was the time my father took me to the theatre to see Cruel Intentions. Watching Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out while sitting next to your father – who I knew was loving it – was the ultimate awkward. We stuck to horror films from that point on.

    B.) My dad used to tell me to pick one of my friends because he was going to make her my new mommy. All the more awkward when my friends agreed that he’s an attractive guy.

    C.) After moving once, my parents came out of their room and surprised me by dumping a drawer (yes a DRAWER) full of wrapped condoms on me while I sat, an unsuspecting pawn, in the computer chair surfing the net.

    D.) My parents also sleep in the nude. Full-on nude. I can’t even tell you how scarred my retinas became after the first time I forgot to knock…

    So Crazy Chinese Ladies have nothing on my teen years…

  15. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:00 am Kerrie Says:

    We’re boob grabbers. Literally. We are an enormous family of women – and when we all get together, the booze starts to flow, the men sit back and watch as the women start to dance, sing and for some stupid reason – grab each others boobs. I honestly have no idea why we do this. But I have photographic proof. Which I will only share if you come to my house. And get drunk. And let me grab your boob.

  16. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:02 am Kelly Says:

    I was out shopping for furniture one time with a friend that is only 2 years older then I am, and the saleslady asked if my “mom” liked what I had picked out. I think that my friend may have burned the lady with her lazer vision.

  17. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:03 am Bluebird Says:

    I got nuthin’. I like to think that I had a fairly good and mostly normal childhood. But it seems that I’ve blocked most of it out of my memory. So really – It makes one wonder.

    Oh, and so far Ashley takes the cake, imo. (Right after you, I mean, Aunt Becky!)

  18. On July 29th, 2009 at 11:04 am Christa Says:

    It was 1996, I was 16, I was at my friends house, and we were raiding her mothers closet. We picked the most outrageous outfits we could find from her early 70’s days of glory. Got all dressed up and walked to the convenience store a few blocks away just for the hell of it. Some old guy (I am talking in his 80’s) thought we were prostitutes. I did not understand what he meant when he asked “How much for a stick?” I thought he meant the gum by the register. Once we figured it out we screamed and ran as fast as we could in platform shoes back to her house.

  19. On July 29th, 2009 at 11:05 am Kristina Says:

    I am the spitting image of my mom, and people in our neighborhood used to mistake me for her. Great for her. Sucked for me. Nothing like being 16 and being told you look like a 40 year old. She, of course, encouraged it. I, of course, wanted to die.

  20. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:11 am ainebegonia Says:

    A couple of years ago, I took the girls to visit my brother and sister in Chicago. My brother and sister live together with his daughter and they have always been really close. On the second day there, while in the car with my sister, my oldest turned to me and asked me which one I was related to, aunt vicki or uncle shawn. I was a bit confused and told her both, they’re my brother and sister. She explained that she thought they were married! I just about died until my sister started laughing.

  21. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:18 am Kate Says:

    Every single time I am at the hospital with my 3 year old and 16 year old, I have people tell me that my husband is good-looking & so good with our son. Since my husband is always 300 miles away from the hospital, I tend to give a blank stare and ask, “My husband?” They typically answer something along the lines of, “The man with the little boy?” And then I get to laugh as I inform them that “that man” is my 16 year old son!

    I understand that he’s 6’8″, but he LOOKS like a teenager. He’s gangly and has acne and has braces on his teeth. And I’m 39 and I look my age! I’ll bet those people think I’m a cradle-robber and they probably secretly wonder how I was able to snag such a cute young guy. ROTFL

    It’s gotten to where my oldest son will catch someone looking at him and he’ll say something like, “C’mon, Joshua, let’s go see MOM.” LOL Poor kid, having people think he’s married to his mother!

  22. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:30 am Becca Says:

    So, mine is not awkward or embarassing for me or my partner, but maybe the idiot asking the questions…

    I should preface by saying I am short (5’3) with curly black hair and very curvy, my partner is 5’8 or 9 with long blond hair and not as curvy (read, fat) as I am.

    We were coming out of the casino on New Years Eve and as we are standing in the elevator this guy gets on who is about our age. We were already laughing about something and standing as close as we normally do (sometimes not safe to hold hands in our area), and the guy looked at us and said “Let me guess… sister’s?” we said no and laughed even harder, he said “Cousins?” By this point I was laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my face and C was almost on the floor.

    Some people are soooo silly, we still laugh about that.

  23. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:39 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Ahahaha, that is brilliant!

    I’m totally judging you. And glad we clarified that you are in fact a closet lesbian so that we can get it on. *whew*

    My brother and husband are very similar. As in, they could be twins. So when the three of us go out, I’ve gotten comments about how lucky I am to be dating/married to/whatever two great guys. Very awkward.

  24. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:45 am choosy Says:

    So I am very light skinned and my brother is brown. I am adopted.
    People always thought we were dating. And for some reason, though I am three years younger most people thought I was older too. (I regularly got served at age 13). oops irrelevant, just bragging.

    But anyway, we got used to the
    “oh aren’t you a cute couple, how long have you been dating?” question and always answered,
    “since she was born”
    just to see where it went from there.

    The most awkward moment I had with this issue was when one of my girlfriends assumed that I was hot for my brother in a sexual way, because he was “so cute and not really my brother”. It took me a few minutes to figure out that she meant because I was adopted and then I got really pissed.

    And after that question, the innocence of people thinking we were dating was gone.

    And I no longer found it funny.

    hmmm, just telling that story is awkward…

  25. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:49 am Kelly Says:

    Does it have to be a family story? A friend of mine had something funny happen with his kids that has always made me laugh. I cannot fathom his embarrassment. It’s comparable to someone pulling down your pants in Church, while taking communion, in front of the minister and all of the congregation.

    Ok, so my friend Seth took his wee children to the grocery store for routine items. This is not all that important to the story but it kind of sets the scene – Seth’s kids are always mistaken for his brothers and sisters, Seth looks like he’s 15 but has 3 kids and is in his mid-thirties.

    While waiting in the checkout line his youngest, 2 years old at the time, spotted an Amish person behind them. Although the kids grew up in Ohio, it’s not everyday you see an Amish person in the neighborhood grocery store. I don’t think they leave the “compound” all that much. So Seth’s little one starts pulling on his dad’s pant leg, and shouts at the top of his lungs and points, “DAD, LOOK, A PILGRIM!!”

    Seth didn’t know what to do, he just grabbed the kids and left. What do you say in that situation? “I’m so sorry, your bonnet made my kid think of Thanksgiving?”

    P.S. I prefer “Dunch” to “Linner” for lunch/dinner, haha! 🙂


  26. On July 29th, 2009 at 11:02 am Kyddryn Says:

    Long, long ago, I used to camp with my Mum at the track. We were volunteer safety workers, the days were long, and we didn’t like driving more than an hour each way, so we camped.

    One evening, at the social that ended each day, I was talking with another worker about a group dinner outing. I told him I’d have to ask my mother of she wanted to go, as she was my ride. I waved in her direction, and he looked over to her.

    Then he looked at me.

    His eyes were wide, his mouth making a surprised “O”, and he exclaimed “Oh, she’s your MOTHER!!”


    Seems a few of the good folks at the track thought Mum and I were…erm…dating… Awkward.
    Another time we were shopping for clothes for Mum – she needed some outfits that were business-like, as she’d just hung out her shingle as a lawyer. The sales lady was trying to be helpful, but honestly her taste was horrid and Mum really doesn’t ever need to wear beige, peach, or pink, and prefers slacks to short skirts. I finally asked her to just let us be. She wandered away, but kept an eye on us until Mum made her selections and moved to the register. I said something to her, calling her “Mum”.

    Again “Oh, she’s your MOTHER!”


    Seems the nice sales lady had made an assumption about our relationship, too.


    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who may never know how many other people thought/think that she and her Mum are a lesbian couple, and she’s fine with that)

  27. On July 29th, 2009 at 11:09 am Creepy Mommy Says:

    Let’s see. For about two years I was in a relationship with a guy who was 29 years older than me(judge away, folks). We’d frequently hit up a local breakfast spot on the weekends. One time he went without me and the girl behind that counter asked, “Where’s your daughter?” We got a huge kick out of that one and whenever we were there after that, I’d always call him Dad.

    Also, we’d totally hard core make out whenever people were looking at us like, “Are those two father and daughter, or is there some wierd Humbert/Lolita thing going on?” We got sooooo many icky looks.

  28. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:16 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    When I was a kid, my younger cousin showed me her class photo. As I scanned the front rows, there were a lot of woofers, but one that was hot. I pointed her out to my cousin, asking if she could set me up.

    “That’s me,” she replied.

    I played it off as a joke. I don’t know if she bought it.

  29. On July 29th, 2009 at 11:17 am linzm0 Says:

    I came home late one night when I was in high school. I figured that my brother, being a night-owl mega geek, would also be up so I could say hello. I go to his room, open his curiously closed door and find him stretchin’ the opossum with an adult movie, so to speak, blastin’ on his computer screen. He bent over his boner and we stared at each other for a very long and awkward 30 seconds. He threw a BLOCK OF CHEESE at me and said “Put this in the fridge!”
    I didn’t know what the shit was going on, so I took the cheese to the fridge. As I put his dairy product away, I realized that I walked in on a brotherly wank session and I went to bed.

    Needless to say, any time there is a block of cheese laying around I give my brother a good amount of shit about that whole wacked out situation.

  30. On July 29th, 2009 at 11:31 am Trina Says:

    When I was newly married (I was 22 and hubby was 18) I took my husband to the hospital because he had broken his shoulder racing. The lady at the reception desk told me I would have to wait outside and then turned to him and said “You don’t want your mom in there with you do you?” His mom??? Please I was 22 for God’s sake.
    Now at 44 people always think I am younger than him and have mistaken my grandkids for my kids so I don’t think I looked that old then!

    Also when my daughter was about 14 she went on a Daddy-Daughter date and the waitress asked if she would like the same drink her “boyfriend” had ordered.

  31. On July 29th, 2009 at 11:32 am Jennifer Says:

    I can’t tell you the number of times that people thought I was my dad’s wife.

    Or the number of times they then assumed that meant my younger sister was really my daughter.

    I am two years older than my younger sister.

    So yeah, I made it a habit in life to always refer to my dad as “Dad” loudly in public. When I had my first baby and my dad and I would go out and take her with, I made extra sure I called him “Grandpa.” Because, yeah, people were always asking if he was my husband.

    I’m a spitting image of him too.

    I’d go out with my sister (one 5 years older) and her two sons who were a year older and then 3 months younger than my oldest and people always asked ME if I had triplets. Why it never occurred to them that the woman with me might have been related still loses me.

    Now I have 4 kids and live in the Bible Belt and have great fun collecting as many kids as I can to run errands. The looks l get are priceless!

  32. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:35 pm Jess Says:

    Hmm…. awkward….

    My parents were getting divorced and last Christmas, one of my brother’s refused to speak to my mother. She was “no allowed” at my father’s house for present opening, etc.

    However, she was present at Christmas dinner at my 80 year-old grandparents’ house. My middle brother, caught up in the awesomeness of the event, got crazy drunk.

    My youngest brother… sensing the tension… outed himself to my grandparents over dinner. My grandfather- who is mostly deaf… just kept repeating “He’s a what??” . My Nana would answer “He’s a ho-mo-sex-ual” over and over.

    Memories…. a wonderful first brithday for my youngest, btw.

  33. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:38 pm charmed Says:

    you may very well have not been dating your dad, but we ALL KNOW that you are a closeted lesbian!!

    ok, on to my story.

    it was christmas and i was 17. i showed up at my father’s sister’s place with my boyfriend. my father’s commonwhore had just had a baby girl a few months before, and they arrived after i did. i was a petty teenager and decided i would NOT say hello to him, he would have to approach me. finally, after almost the whole evening had passed, he comes out of the kitchen with this gem:

    “JOY! i didn’t even know it was YOU!! i asked your aunt who the really cute girl was, if she worked with you, and she said ‘IT’S YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU IDIOT!'”

    he is very much an idiot…some would say he was a “burnout.” i would agree with those people.

  34. On July 29th, 2009 at 11:39 am Alex Says:

    These comments give me thanks for the memory loss I sustained during my teenage years. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  35. On July 29th, 2009 at 1:07 pm Melinda Says:

    I went with a group of friends to my senior prom. My date was just a friend and by no stretch of the imagination were we dating. After prom about a dozen of us went to a fancy restaurant for dessert. My dress was white, it looked great on me, and it made me feel like a princess. What I didn’t anticipate was that it might be mistaken for a wedding dress. The hostess for the restaurant thought our party was for a wedding, and the fuss embarrassed me and my date to no end. I will never forget it and (with the exception of my wedding) I have never and will never wear white again!

  36. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:07 pm Darci Says:

    When I was in college my Dad came to town for a business meeting. He was staying overnight at a local hotel, and the plan was for him to pick me up after his meeting so we could go to dinner.

    Excited at the prospect of eating something besides pizza and ramen noodles while patronizing an establishment with actual table cloths, I wore a dress. Seeing as how my Dad was coming from a meeting, he was wearing a suit. We stopped by his hotel on the way to dinner so that he could check in, thinking nothing of it.

    The man at the front desk kept saying “This room is just for one?” and giving my Dad this creepy smile. We stared at him blankly until we realized that he thought we were together ((shiver)) The worst part is that he was giving my Dad that “you sly old dog” look. Still not sure I am fully recovered.

  37. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:09 pm Mwa Says:

    My 21st, my dad and I went to get me a watch. Very uncomfortable in the jewellery shop because the shop assistant couldn’t work it out. It was all “What does your… sir think of that?” And we didn’t feel the need to enlighten her. (Evil or creepy, take your pick.)

  38. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:42 pm Evil Twin's Wife Says:

    I’m 41, but I am told routinely that I look much younger than my age. Despite that, I’ve been asked twice if my 3 yr old daughter is my granddaughter. Sheesh!

  39. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:45 pm mumma boo Says:

    You realize, of course, that I must now demand to see a photo of the glamorous teenage Becky in the stylin’ kimono top? Photo, please!

    As for the stories, I once grabbed a guy’s ass in a bar, only to discover it belonged to my cousin. To be fair, it was a crowded bar AND it was a great ass. Now, you shut up. pbbftt.

  40. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:49 pm amy d Says:

    UGH…The fact that I am even rehashing this story makes me queasy with anxiety and sick with high school insecurities….Here goes…

    I was an EXTREMELY late bloomer. I didn’t get my period until I was almost 17. This was beyond weird since I was healthy as a horse (so to speak) but it was also a source of ridicule amongst my friends, as they all “became women” around 13 or so.

    Tired of the teasing, I just told them I got it around the 15 yr mark. problem solved. Until, my mom was driving a group of my friends and I somewhere, & made some sort of HIGH-LY inappropriate remark about “when are you ever going to get your period??”

    A barrage of Catholic school girl laughter emerged from the back seat. I was mortified! Thanks mom! Reminds me…must check that whole therapy thing out some time.

  41. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:51 pm Liz Says:

    I got into an agrument one day at a restaurant near my parents house. It is a very small community and everyone knows everyone else’s business so this woman running the restaurant asked where I was staying and I told her at my parent’s place and gave their name. She proceeded to tell me my brother had been in for coffee the day before. I nicely explained that I didn’t have a brother – it was just me and my sister. After her insisting and me denying for about 5 minutes she told me that I had better go and have a talk with my parents because I did indeed have a brother and that it was possible they were hiding that info from me. Understand that I was 25 at the time and was pretty sure that if they had been hiding a brother from me that they wouldn’t have us visiting their house at the same time…
    A few days later I was at the flea market with my husband and she came running up to me accusing me of being a liar…turns out she was hell bent on my husband and I being brother and sister! I am so glad we didn’t have kids at the time…

  42. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:55 pm Coco Says:

    My growing-up stories are mostly more creepy and disgusting than merely awkward, so I’ll spare you those.

    Here’s a more recent one, however, that is actually funny:

    When I was (heavily) pregnant with Badger, hubs and I went out to dinner with another couple. Hubs chose a sushi restaurant that he went to almost every day, but which I’d only been to once before.

    So the lady who owns the place comes running up to me as we’re sitting down and questions me about all sorts of personal things like how my vagina was feeling these days, then starts telling me all about how to have a healthy baby – methods included not showering or leaving the house for two weeks after the birth and drinking some foul-sounding concoction she brewed to “Make a lot of baby milk”. All of this I could handle fine, but then she leaned in and grabbed my boobs very obviously…and squeezed. I was in such shock I just froze. As gracefully as I could, I extricated myself and went to the ladies’ room. My girlfriend came with me and asked “Um, did I just hallucinate that?” I assured her that no, I had in fact been felt up in public by a woman I didn’t know, and wondered aloud if that was extra or came with my meal.

    It took us twenty minutes to sufficently compose ourselves. I kept my goodies turned away from the aisle for the rest of dinner, too.

  43. On July 29th, 2009 at 12:57 pm amy d Says:

    LOL…why is linzm0’s brother (in the above comment) wacking off with cheese in the general vicinity??? That is FREAKING hilarious!!!

  44. On July 29th, 2009 at 1:00 pm Shawna Says:

    When I sat down next to my dad at my brother’s graduation, my step-dad (who I acquired after having moved out at 18)’s brother-in-law, who I’d met like once, asked if my dad was my husband. Ew!! I think my dad was flattered in addition to grossed out, but I was just completely grossed out. 🙂

  45. On July 29th, 2009 at 1:21 pm Margaret Says:

    Bwa ha ha ha *snort*

    I’ve got nothing to add. I’ve blocked out the bad stuff.

  46. On July 29th, 2009 at 1:30 pm Elizabeth Ann Says:

    Tragically my father and I look quite a bit alike, we were walking into a grocery store one afternoon. I, holding onto his arm like in a victorian novel (he’s very old fashioned my dad). Some dude in the parking lot who passed us going the other direction looked me up and down and when we were about 5 feet away he yells “hey man! your wife has a nice tits!”. I laughed hysterically. Dad, stopped in his tracks and looked about to blow his stack, drops my arm and practically sprints into the Safeway. I’m just hoping the dude wasn’t thinking “What a cute couple. They look so much alike.”

  47. On July 29th, 2009 at 1:31 pm Michelle Says:

    Not sure if I could top that, but hear goes.

    One weekend back in my med school days (so I was probably 23 or 24) I was home for the weekend. At the time my mom lived with her long time boyfriend. He lived in this cool 3 story house on the beach. Anyway, I woke up one morning to the house swaying. Of course I assumed we were having an earthquake, because we lived in California. I went running down the hall into their bedroom to tell my mom. I walked in to find my mother doing the nasty, on top. She turned and looked at me, I yelped and ran out the door. AND THEN THEY FINISHED! Turns out when you live in a tall, skinny house on the beach the act of sex will make it sway. I am still not over it.

  48. On July 29th, 2009 at 1:35 pm Elizabeth Ann Says:

    By the way, linzmO totally wins. Block of cheese, that is epic.

  49. On July 29th, 2009 at 1:44 pm Shannon Says:

    That’s so crazy funny.

    And around my house we call it “lupper”.

  50. On July 29th, 2009 at 1:47 pm The Mommy Says:

    And I thought my version of the “He’s my father” was going to top yours. It might still be close: I worked at Arby’s for about a year in high school. I was a nerd and therefor always had to work the drive-thru (you had to be able to do math. In your head.) One night I just happened to get lucky and have to work the front counter. I was almost finished with my shift for the night when a “customer” came in. My manager peered out at the front from the back (where we were both standing) and said, “You better let me take care of this guy for you. He looks like an axe murderer!!” Uh, dude, that’s my dad. {SIGH} In all honesty, he does look like an axe murderer.

  51. On July 29th, 2009 at 1:48 pm Erica Says:

    My friends used to refer to my mom as a “MILF”, which I didn’t find embarassing, just awkward. Then they got drunk one night and told my mom she was a MILF. I thought it was especially funny when my friends got embarrassed because my mom knew what that meant. 🙂

  52. On July 29th, 2009 at 1:50 pm C @ Kid Things Says:

    Man, it takes a lot to make me laugh out loud, but I was hysterical at Scwetty Balls. Alec Baldwin is a comic genius.

  53. On July 29th, 2009 at 2:57 pm Lisa Says:

    My son was 4 and barged into the bathroom while I was showering. Now I like my privacy as much as the next gal, but I always felt that if you screamed at your children to “GET OUT NOW”, they might develop some unhealthy feelings about their body…blah blah blah (back to the shower)

    So he starts matter – of -factly discussing my body parts (which we call by their names – not nicknames like “va-jayjay”, etc…) and asking me about my hair (yes, that hair), only he called it FUR.

    Again, not wanting to laugh, scream or cry for fear of traumatizing him, I explained that both men and women grow HAIR, and talked about how Daddy grows hair on his face so he shaves, but Mommy doesn’t grow hair on her face, so she doesn’t have to shave there, etc… He was satisfied and left the room.

    Fast forward to his Tae Kwan Do lesson later that day. I am tying his belt while talking to his instructor (male instructor of course). My son looks at me and says in his regular clear, loud, but thoughtful four year old voice, “Mama, I have been thinking that you should shave your furry vagina.”

    I threw up in my mouth a little just typing this…

  54. On July 29th, 2009 at 4:16 pm Lucy Cooper Says:

    Haven’t read the other comments, so I hope I’m not repeating, but:

    My dad and his wife moved to South Carolina when I was in college. They became very active in their community, neighborhood, church- all that shit. I went out to visit them when I was probably 20 or so. This means it was the early nineties, which means I had a)skanky hair, b) a shitload of eyeliner, and c) that gorgeous dark reddish-brown matte lipstick we all wore back then. And that was just from the neck up. In short, I feel sure I looked like a Pearl Jam groupie from head to toe. Being the good sport and generous human being he is, my dad took me out for lunch at a nice restaurant, where we ran slap into a couple from his church. Of course my dad quickly introduced me, but not before I sneered at them for their dumbfounded expressions.

  55. On July 29th, 2009 at 3:21 pm Eva Says:

    I don’t know, it was pretty awkward walking in on my mom and stepdad fucking.

  56. On July 29th, 2009 at 3:24 pm Missy Says:

    My grandfathers funeral. Afterward, everyone had gathered at the house, because we are German and there must be boatloads of food, and people to eat it afterward.

    I came out of the bathroom, and started to walk back into the living room when my grandmother hissed at me (yes – hissed. Like a snake. Or a leaky tire.) and told me that my dress was tucked into the back of my panty hose.

    No slip, no panties – just hose and butt, showing off to the world. Of course, the bathroom is right in front of the front door, where everyone was gathered.

    So, yeah…

  57. On July 29th, 2009 at 3:24 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    OMG, this SAME thing happened to me once!!! I was about 13 at the time, but was an early developer (read: big boobs). We were in Oshkosh, WI for the big air show, and he and I went to some party together. We were talking to some woman, and he had his arm around me. After a while, she said, “You guys are so lovey-dovey, are you newlyweds?” I. About. Died. Of course my dad LOVED it, thinking he was all young-looking and stuff. Gawd.

    Oh, and I hate Corvettes with the fire of a thousand suns.

  58. On July 29th, 2009 at 3:30 pm Kristin Says:

    Bwahahahahahahahahaha…when I was in college, my mom, dad, my boyfriend and I were playing Scruples (yeah, I know it’s weird). My mom got a question that said “If you had an affair and it was over and you knew it would never, ever happen again, would you tell your spouse?” Of course, she said no. My dad got up and walked away from the game and out of the house at that point. I guess he couldn’t deal with that despite the fact they had been married about 25 years at that time (42 years now) and both of them had always been faithful. My mom and I looked at each other and died laughing.

  59. On July 29th, 2009 at 4:03 pm Jessi Louise Says:

    I had the opposite happen. When my husband and I first got married (I was 20 – and he was 30) someone actually asked if I was his daughter. I was so mortified and embarrassed about our age difference I spent the next 4 years trying to make over my whole wardrobe so I looked older. Now that we’ve been married 8 years I don’t really care anymore…but it was awkward at the time!

  60. On July 29th, 2009 at 4:08 pm Julie Says:

    My honeymoon happened to land on Father’s day weekend. My husband was (he’s my ex now) 11 years older than me. The waitress asked if I was taking my father out for Father’s day.

    Years later he would take all four kids to the gun range for target practice. A gentleman mentioned how nice it was for grandpa to spend time with the grandkids!

  61. On July 29th, 2009 at 5:30 pm nicole Says:

    Kimono top? That’s what those are called, eh? (Tim Hortons just opened in NYC so now I’m Canadian). I might have had one of those in midnight blue, maybe, but I only wore it with my bright red skirt with the slits down both slides and my hairs in teensy little buns on either side of my head. (wince)

    Um, yeah, so the counter jerk at this pizza place thought my brother and I were a couple when we were in HS. I forget which of us then threw up on him.

  62. On July 29th, 2009 at 4:38 pm heather Says:

    Uh, drama so totally DOES run in families. =)

    When I had my daughter, people seriously thought I was like 14 having a baby at the hospital. People were all up in my shit about it. Even now, nobody ever believes I’m 35. And it’s weird because my dad? Looks like one of those troll dolls, with the fluffy hair and squished up faces from not having teeth. He looks like my grandpa not my dad. And my mom, also, very wrinkly face. I have no idea where I get it from.

  63. On July 29th, 2009 at 5:09 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    “I can’t wait to get my mouth around your balls.” One of the very best SNL skits ever.

    I’m so glad I had time to read all these comments, because they are FUCKING AWESOME.

    When my ex-husband and I were in high school, he was completely accident-prone. One night, he was at our house and went out to play with my sister’s new rottweiler puppy. Somehow, he tripped over one of the other dogs and hit his head on the metal part of the trampoline. He was okay for a little while, but then passed the fuck out on me. My mom freaked and called 911, and when the medics were taking him to the ambulance on a stretcher, one of them told me not to worry, that my “brother will be just fine.” We were mistaken for brother and sister a lot back in the day.

    After we’d been married for a while and moved to Hawaii, we signed Big J up for t-ball. There was another couple that we got along really well with and I’m still friends with. When we first met, they thought the ex was much older than me, even though he’s only 2 years older. He looks waaaay older now. Ba-zing!

    My favorite awkward story isn’t mine, but I’ll tell ya anyway. My friend Tammy is a twin, and one day she, her sister, and their husbands went to Busch Gardens together. They were all wearing swimsuits, and I guess the ladies’ suits were similar or something. Anyhow, they were standing in line for a ride, and the husbands were off somewhere else. Brett (Tammy’s husband) came up behind her and grabbed a handfull of ass, even going so far as to let his fingers slip up a certain no-no spot. That’s all well and good, but it was Terry’s junk, not Tammy’s that he grabbed. Awk-ward.

  64. On July 29th, 2009 at 5:10 pm adina Says:

    yeah, i would have to say the most awkward moment was when my (straight) sister went with me to the LGBT Pride festival one year. Apparently we are close, because at almost every booth we stopped at people commented on “what a cute couple” we were.

    the that the first time it happened, we both turned to each other and said “but i would never date someone like you!” and burst out laughing. after the second or third time, we decided that we needed t-shirts clarifying the situation.

  65. On July 29th, 2009 at 5:23 pm Bobbi Says:

    So my family can’t keep it together, even at a funeral. We were all at the wake for a family member and pretty much trying to keep two family members apart when they ended up in the same room together. We were standing outside the viewing room trying to stay out of the way but close enough to go in and intervene if necessary. (Let me point out the two who could have brawled were both men and the ones gathered to intervene were all female. The other guys had already bailed from the area.) Anyway, we were standing there trying not to look like we were waiting for something to happen and one of us asked my daughter how the concert that she had been at the night before was. She had won tickets from a radio station and was in the front row of a Stone Temple Pilots concert. Pretty much can’t hear anything and pretty much can’t talk above a whisper from screaming through the whole thing. So when someone asked her how it was she croaked out (and I’m sort of paraphrasing the beginning,) “It was awesome. We were right up front. (Name removed to protect the guilty) made us nuts screaming (voice cracked, went up 50 decibels, could have been heard in the next town) ‘PLAY DEAD AND BLOATED! PLAY DEAD AND BLOATED!'” We all looked at her horrified and said, “Look around. Where are you?” She was so upset she ran out of the place. Story gets told every time someone says the word funeral.

  66. On July 29th, 2009 at 5:37 pm Amy Says:

    I was asked several times if I was the twin sister of a guy I liked…

  67. On July 29th, 2009 at 6:40 pm moonspun Says:

    When my former partner and I (lesbian partner) changed our names after our ceremony, we went to a trade show and everyone asked us if we were sisters. Most often we’d say “no” and then move on leaving them bewildered or with that “Ohhh…” look in their eye..

  68. On July 29th, 2009 at 7:17 pm Kristi Stevens Says:

    Okay… I’m seriously, like insane seriously, NOT at all about Mommy Bloggers (stand down mommy blogging crowd, I’m a mom and I blog about my kids, I’m just saying I’m WAY more about the writing than I am other people’s kids)… soooo, I would never have ventured here even with the supremely intriguing blog title containing the words “mommy” and “vodka”. HOWEVER, when someone is bold enough to post the satirific statement that she hates babies – well, here’s a girl that’s worthy of my blogroll. Best, K

  69. On July 29th, 2009 at 6:19 pm Melissa Says:

    Ok, totally awk moment. And lucky I didnt get fired. I have a friend named Jenn and a boss named Glenn. They both have similar phone numbers.

    Now Jenn happens to have a kind of low mannish sounding voice. And Glenn had apparently called me to ask me some question or another after work hours.

    Jenn was supposed to come over to help me paint on a Friday night and I just scrolled through caller id and wound up dialing Glenn, when he answered I was like “Where the fuck are you bitch! You were suppossed to be here like an hour ago!” Of course he was dumbfounded at me talking to me that way and answered that he was up north at a party. I replied “nice, thanks for telling me, I guess you arent in anymore?” He was like, umm no. I was nice after that and said “great, have a good time, I can take care of it myself I guess” and he hung up.

    Jenn came over about 20 minutes later and I was a bit confused. When I figured out what happened I about shit my pants. I texted him to tell him what happened which calmed his wife down a bit. Turns out he had his phone on speaker. UGH!

    Very uncomfortable meeting come Monday.

  70. On July 29th, 2009 at 7:58 pm Lola Says:

    So, you’re saying your dad is a hottie? My most awkward moment was when my future mother-in-law not only heard her son and I having sex on her couch but heard us talking about how her lack of sex was making her an annoying bitch. It was awesome!

    I can’t remember if I’ve blogged about that or simply blocked it out. It’s a great story, so I’ll have to check my archives now…

  71. On July 29th, 2009 at 7:06 pm Julie Says:

    Rrrg. Feeling queasy to type this, but who cares, it needs to be told someday. Best to do it to strangers.

    When I was a young teenager, I snooped in my mom and dad’s drawers (who doesn’t?) and found a book of erotica in one of my mom’s drawers. Spent many a lonely afternoon (or morning, or night) exploring this book and erm… myself.

    Then one night mom was off on a trip. Just me and dad in the house. I got up late to go to the bathroom, saw the light in their bedroom on, went to say “goodnight” again to dear old dad and saw… he was hunched over, reading a book, mom’s special drawer was open. Caught him in the act, though I couldn’t see the gibblies, and he looked up and saw me there. I bolted, which probably confirmed for him that I knew what he was doing.

    Worst part? The book went missing after that.

  72. On July 29th, 2009 at 8:41 pm ZDub Says:

    Oh, man, I’m cracking the HELLZ up. That’s pretty awesome!

    Setting: Ex-inlaws house for Thanksgiving

    Scene: My ex-husband’s grandmother was in the kitchen. Sounds harmless, right? She was in her bra with her BOOB out. Picking at a SCAB. Which was on her NIPPLE. While she was making GRAVY.

    And scene.

    (May she rest in peace.)

  73. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:18 pm Emily R Says:

    that’s fantastic

  74. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:42 pm Mel Says:

    Not a Daddy moment but definately awkward ..
    Back when I was a teen my boyfriend & I found ourselves with the house to ourselves b/c his parents went out of town for the weekend. It was us & his brothers. So we were “busy” in his room & there was a knock on the bedroom door – his younger brother was always a prankster so we thought it was him & yelled out “Randy, get the hell out of here can’t you see we are busy!” (giggle-giggle like the two idiots we were). A minute later knock-knock, more yelling at Randy then all of a sudden we hear a woman’s voice screech “It isn’t Randy, come out of this room right now!!!” Holy crap – it was like we had springs in our bums. We jumped up, I walked right past him mom & through my tears said something like “I’m sorry” & left!
    Good Times.

  75. On July 29th, 2009 at 9:49 pm Danielle Says:

    I do my best to embarrass my father when him and I are out. When we’re at a tore and we separate and I find him again, I say “DAD! You have to stop running away from me! Don’t make me not feed you dinner tonight” Sadly he never gets embarrassed and goes right along with it. It’s still fun!

  76. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:30 pm Venti Vixen Says:

    People used to ask if my husband was my father all the time – he is ummm like a year older. Made him feel all pervish and shit.

  77. On July 29th, 2009 at 10:32 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    Wow. Just… wow. That’s up there with the NOT one, NOT two, but THREE freakin’ times I’ve asked women when their babies were due, only to discover they weren’t pregnant.

    I swear to God I was trying to be nice. And that third time, I was really sure.

    Apparently, the Pirate lacks the basic cognitive ability to learn from his moronic mistakes.

  78. On July 30th, 2009 at 12:58 am Chris Mancini Says:

    But wait, so where did you wear the kimono after that? Aren’t they like wedding dresses?

  79. On July 30th, 2009 at 12:08 am GingerB Says:

    My mom and dad are kinda racist but they try to be polite, at least as polite as such people can be. When I still lived at home, one of my best friends was dating a black man. My mom and dad had a black lab. When my friend’s boyfriend visited, the dog jumped all over him just like with any guest, and he was very friendly and said he had a dog. My mom said to the dog “Oh honey, you smell one of your own!”

  80. On July 30th, 2009 at 1:35 am twinauntie Says:

    OK – the scabby nipple had me laughing out loud!!!

    My brother has a set/pair of faternal twins. One is a boy, and one is a girl. (as an aside, they don’t have to be…faternal just means 2 different eggs, can be 2 boys, or two girls) But these two are a boy and a girl – who look nothing alike. When people find out they are twins, usually the question follows, “Are they identical?”
    And I ALWAYS answer, “Yep, all except for their genitals.”

    Stops people from asking me dumbass questions for awhile. :o)

  81. On July 30th, 2009 at 1:55 am Laura Says:

    My parents separated when I was in elementary school. On one of my dad’s weekends when I was in junior high, my dad came into my room and said “I’m going to the store, do you need any napkins?”

    I looked at him a little blankly and said “Why don’t you look in the pantry? I’m sure we have some in there”

    His turn to look confused “You keep your napkins in the pantry?”

    Me… “Dad didn’t you just buy a pack of napkins the other day?”

    Dad whispering “No, Laura, I mean napkins…napkins(even quieter). You know feminine napkins”

    Me “ahhh…yeah no. I have plenty of tampons Dad…thanks for checking”

    Dad turned deep red and left.

  82. On July 30th, 2009 at 3:29 am jen Says:

    We had new neighbors moving in when I was in high school. When we went to say hi the realator asked my dad if I was his wife.

  83. On July 30th, 2009 at 4:55 am Kelley Says:

    This wasn’t really embarrassing for me, more for the other person. I have two sets of twins – four years apart (They’re fraternal – three boys, one girl).
    One day I got brave enough to take all four of them to the grocery store at the same time. This would have been when set A was about four and a half and it was no longer immediately obvious that they were twins (they don’t even look like they’re related), but set B would have been about six months old. This nice lady passed us in the parking lot and said, “Oooh, how sweet! Look at those adorable twins!”
    My first-born turned to her and said, “Yeah, and the babies are twins, too!”
    He got a gumball for that one.

  84. On July 30th, 2009 at 5:44 am Tina PS Says:

    Well, apart from dirty looks from old ladies on a bus, I don’t have an embarassing story… Why the dirty looks? Well, it appears they were certain me and my mom were lovers (we really don’t look alike at all), and we were holding hands and talking quietly to each other… It must have been when I was about 25, which would make her 49 at the time. And now, several years later, we still hold hands, and I guess an old lady or two still has her opinion on that…

  85. On July 30th, 2009 at 7:06 am tiffany Says:

    I am soo cracking up… these ‘awkward’ stories are hilarious. I have two awkward stories that I can think of right now.

    1. When I was a freshmen in highschool (14yo) my mother left for the weekend to visit her long distance boyfriend leaving my older brother in charge. I had already planned to stay the weekend at my bestfriend’s house and to just go there straight from school that day (Friday) but my mother insisted that I inform my brother of my plans. I of course forgot until later that night (about 9pm or so) and went home to tell my brother since he wasn’t answering the phone but we could see that obviously he was home since all the lights were on. (Bestfriend lived in the house next door but there was several acres between the houses.) I asked my best friend to walk with me because it was dark and of course I was scared of the vampires and stuff that goes bump in the night. We get to the house and go in and there is 3 guys and 2 girls I do not know all mostly naked rolling around on my mother’s formal living room floor. The room we only use for special occaisions. They did not hear us come in because the stereo was turned up so loud I had to shout several times to get their attention. When they finally heard me screaming “Hey! Hey!” one of the guys said “Oh, this is awesome I was just thinking I was gonna be the odd man out!” and starts approaching me and my bestfriend telling us that we are so sexy. I asked where my brother was… they said upstairs and upstairs I went all the while my brain was trying to make sense of what I had just walked in on (my bestfriend ran back outside). Maybe it was the shock of all the naked bodies, the shock of strangers being in the formal living room or the shock of some creepy guy naked from the waist down (YES you read that right, waist down) telling me I was sexy but my 14 year old brain just wasn’t coming up with ‘orgy’. What the hell was going on???? I went up to my brother’s room and knocked because the door was closed, hmm, strange giggles and thumping noises were coming from inside his room. I knocked louder and called his name. He yelled my name and said hold on. Several minutes later he came out wearing a pair of shorts and he was sweaty. Gross. I ask him what is going on and who are THOSE PEOPLE in the front room. He replies casually that they are some friends and he’s having a party. My naive teenage brain buys it, tells him that I’m staying at my friend’s house for the weekend. He says cool, OK. Bye. I say bye and hug him. MY ENTIRE BODY STICKS TO HIM. I literally had to peel my T-shirt off of his chest. I have something sticky on my hands where they touched his back… for some reason I brought my hand up and smelled the sticky stuff. Wait for it… wait… wait for it… honey. It was honey! And then suddenly all the pieces clicked into place and I ran screaming from the house as he yelled after me – DON’T TELL MOM!

    2. I am a florist. One day I received an order to be delivered to The Ranch. Now if you live in my neck of the woods you know that said ranch is not really a RANCH but a nudist colony for old people. So I make the floral arrangement get in my car and drive out to The Ranch. Once there I spot a sign that says all visitors and deliveries must go to the office. Great, I’m thinking I’m going to get lucky on this one and get out without burning my eyes out on some geriatric dude playing tennis with only a sweatband, wrist bands and tennis shoes on. No such luck, AAAHH, my eyes, MY EYES! So I wander into the office and there is a man sitting behind the desk without a shirt on. (Please, please let him have pants on.) I state that I have a delivery for Blanche. He says oh, she’s out back in the pool you can just take them to her I’ll show you where, and he stands up. HE’S NOT WEARING PANTS! I turn bright red and he notices. He laughingly says, I’m sorry you are probably uncomfortable with my nakedness, I’ll put something on. He reaches behind the desk and pulls out a shirt! HE PUT ON A SHIRT! And I got to follow him all the way back to the pool trying not to throw up while staring at his very hairy naked ass that was as red as a baboon’s ass. I guess from sitting on it all day! Blanche was swimming in the pool naked of course with about 50 of her wrinkled, hairy, saggy cronies. She asked me to put them on the table beside the pool and as all 50 of them started getting out of the pool to ooh and aahh over the flowers I got the hell out of there!

  86. On July 30th, 2009 at 8:19 am Inna Says:

    You know Becky, this one time I went on a walk with a few other bloggers. I had just started blogging (I had written 2 posts) and didn’t understand the whole dynamics or politics of it. Two of those bloggers were talking about a third, who wasn’t in the party. They were saying how they didn’t know how she was doing, she had decided to stop writing and all. My response was “well, what difference does it make if she doesn’t want to write”. Completely the wrong. thing. to. say! And I know this now, but bloggers stick together, they like each other, they worry about each other, its a lovely community. I also realized I would care if one of the bloggers I read suddenly decided to stop writing, or were under the weather. I wonder if these bloggers even remember my foot in my mouth. Live and learn, right?

  87. On July 30th, 2009 at 10:54 am Lurker Says:

    I have three stories – embarrassing for others more than me, but funny nonetheless.

    1) I grew up in an area that was not very racially diverse. We had white, Hispanic and Japanese, and that was about it. One day when I was 3, and my mother was 7 months pregnant, we went to the grocery store, and happened upon an African-American man. I looked at my mom and said, “Mommy, wouldn’t it be funny if the baby looked like that?” I didn’t understand why Mom dragged me out of the store without buying anything.

    2) My father-in-law began doing some very strange things with his money, so mother-in-law divorced him, largely to protect herself financially. Soon after, he was diagnosed with dementia and married his mistress of many years (that might be a whole different awkward story). When he was three or four years into the dementia, my brother-in-law got married. It was a lovely outdoor ceremony, and everyone was seated except FIL. My husband finally convinced him to sit down, and he walked over and sat in my MIL (the ex-wife)’s lap.

    3) My brother is 8 years younger than I am, and 14 years older than my daughter. He is very socially awkward, has never had a date, and pretty much keeps to himself. He becomes a different person around my daughter, because they basically grew up together. My uncle died, and I pulled my daughter (a sophomore in HS) out of school for the funeral. At the family dinner afterward, my three cousins (daughters of the deceased) approached me with funny looks on their faces, and said, in a very gossipy way, “Who’s the girl with Thomas?” I was shocked that they didn’t recognize the girl they’d seen every Thanksgiving and Easter for the past 15 years, but my daughter and brother found the whole situation hilarious.

  88. On July 30th, 2009 at 1:50 pm Juli D. Says:

    This is the ultimate White trash story. I call it “My boyfriend came to dinner & worked the crowd”:

    When I was growing up, I lived with my Aunt & her 3 children. Somehow, my Aunt managed to get another cousin (from my Uncle/ her brother) to live there, too. So, my Aunt Kim- 30, my cousin, Loranda- 15, & I- 17, were living in this small 4 bedroom home, with her 3 other kids, all under age 12.

    Well, as the flirt that I have always been, I had an admirer who lived down the street who was an absolutely gorgeous blonde haired, blue eyed, 18/ 19 yr old STUD. One night, we decided we were going to be boyfriend/ girlfriend. After a month of making out & heavy petting, we (read: I) decided it wasn’t working & broke up. Next thing I know, he & Loranda are a couple… Now, this is a little awkard, especially since we shared a bedroom, but we had always been competitive with each other & it only stands to reason she had it in her mind that she “took” him from me. Well, after a month, they broke up.

    For 2 months or so, we did not see him around, even though he literally lived 6 houses down. Imagine OUR surprise when we come home from our teenage gatherings to find our ex-boyfriend in a heavy makeout session with our AUNT! Well, after all this, he MOVED IN! The same house with not one, but two, of his ex- girlfriends! Needless to say, I gave that poor boy HELL. I would barge in on him in the bathroom, I would call him at work to tell him to pick up toilet paper or milk, I would annouce at the dinner table that I had a really heavy flow & that since he was the “man” of the house, he needed to go to the store & buy my tampons. I even made him buy douche since I thought it would be particularly funny one day. I owned him & he was such a little bitch about it! He lasted 2 months in the house… We still haven’t asked my Aunt “WTF”…

  89. On July 30th, 2009 at 2:19 pm Megan Says:

    I don’t really have any awkward stories, just awkward situations. My mother is as immodest as they come. She has always believed (and still does believe) that is is perfectly acceptable to walk around in front of my sister and I completely naked, or in just her underwear. Seriously. She recently lounged around in her drawers during our girls weekend trip.

    She also has no secrets and thinks that it is ok to share anything and everything with me. She once told me about the size of my father’s junk before I could run screaming from the house. Not exactly the mental picture I want of my dear ol’ dad.

  90. On July 30th, 2009 at 5:08 pm Kendra Says:

    Well, not a “he’s my dad” story, but I have an awkward “being felt up by a stranger” story.

    When I was in college, I spent 6 months in Senegal, in West Africa, doing a research project/internship. That country is very gender separated, and as you get more into the rural areas, it becomes even more so. After a month or so of getting acclimated to the country, I moved from my host family in the city to the one I would stay with for the rest of my time there–several hours away, in the “boonies” of sub-Saharan Africa. I was introduced around to all the local important folks, and I was pretty sure I had it pretty much down. Until one day, I got home and there was a woman I’d never met before at the house. She was from a smaller village a ways away, but was pretty important there. I’d heart stories about the weird antics of the women working together in the fields, but I was completely unprepared for this woman to reach out from the chair she was sitting in and grab my crotch!

    It was one of those moments where you spend a long time trying to figure out whether you’re being culturally insensitive, or if this lady is just a wacko! I’m still not certain, since no one else seemed at all fazed. Then again, maybe they just enjoyed seeing how much they could convince me of, since they also routinely tried to marry me off to cab drivers. But that moment is forever seared into my memory!

  91. On July 31st, 2009 at 7:12 am justme Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,
    Delurking here, been hanging out off and on for a while now. Have to say you crack me up.
    I have the opposite problem than your story. My boyfriend (very long term relationship, most people call us married/husband/wife, that long) is considerably older than me. Almost old enough (shy of say 4 years) to BE my father. He looks a few years older than he does (all that good fun living he did when he was younger, he says) I look a few younger (thank you mom and dad for good genes!). So of course we always get the father daughter thing. Oh the looks we get if he rubs my back or gives me a quick kiss in a store! Priceless I tell you. And if we have any of our kids with us, even funnier. They are between the ages of 21- 14. I started young, too young. Some people think that the oldest and I are sisters at times. And people get all confused looks on their faces if the hear the kids call me mom and him dad. You can just see the confution going on in their minds by the different expressions on the faces.
    I love to mess with some people if they are being noticeably rude in the staring. If one of the kids are with us I will tell them to go ask “Dad”, leaving of the “your” part, and then walk up and give him a kiss that isn’t inappropriate for bf/gf but, most definitely would not give my father. Restaurants are even more fun to mess with people!

  92. On July 31st, 2009 at 1:48 pm May Thigpen Says:

    Okay, I’m so late to this but I couldn’t help myself…. One time? In a bar where I worked? A man came up behind me, cupped my ass, and said lovingly in my ear- “I know your dad.”

  93. On August 1st, 2009 at 12:22 am mhippie Says:

    This same sort of thing happened to me, only it was a neighbor. She was also in a class I was taking.

    One day after class my casual acquaintance and I got to chatting. She asked if I had a boyfriend. Aside from not being straight, I’ve also been single for two years, so I said “no” rather emphatically. She went on to say that she thought I might have a boyfriend because she’s seen me with “an older guy” around my apartment a few times. The only male who has ever visited my apartment is my father. AAAAAAAAAH.

  94. On August 2nd, 2009 at 4:31 pm Tiny Dancer Says:

    What a great lift for sagging spirits these comments are, hilarious!

    Couldn’t narrow down the embarrassing moments from my mother, I spent most of my childhood mortified as she loved to sing-along to muzak or the radio when we were in public. Grocery shopping, elevators, the car, you name it, she was singing. Not embarrassing in the classic sense, she was a professional singer for years, but as a kid I hated the attention. Now, of course, I just sing along 🙂

    A more personal example to entertain you with comes via my autistic son (now 21) ages ago when he was just starting to talk. He loved Disney’s “Lady and the Tramp” and had assigned all of his loved ones a character. Depending on his mood, I was usually Peg (Peggy Lee’s dog in jail that sings the title tune) or Lady herself. No problems there, bit of fun. However, in a grocery store lineup one day, he decided to change my handle, and yelled at the top of his lungs to no one in particular, “Mom’s the Tramp!”. The little old Italian lady beside us nearly fainted dead away.

    Then there was the time I accidentally did a Marilyn over a subway grate wearing a halter dress … and no undies.

  95. On August 4th, 2009 at 2:41 am Janice...Jenn's Friend Says:

    not so much about me, I mean, I was in my mama’s belly at the time, but one of my faaavorite stories.

    My grandparents are paaaainfully Catholic….as in…pray about it and it’s gone, it never happened Catholic.

    my brother was 3, it was my grandparents ULTRA Catholic 25th Anniversary renrewing of their vows. There we all were….me in utero…in a HUGE Catholic church. The priest raised his arms to bless the gathering and my brother SCREAMED from the front pew….”MOM, LOOK, that guy’s tryin to FLY!!!!”

    Not embarrassing to me or my brother, but a classic memory.

  96. On September 1st, 2009 at 10:32 pm Its All About Mom » Blog Archive » Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » When “He’s My Father” Makes … Says:

    […] When my twin brother and I were 17, we went to get professional pictures done as a Mother’s Day gift for our mom. The woman was posing us in a very…. um… cozy… position, with me sitting on a stool between my brother’s legs and him leaning up … I should preface by saying I am short (5?3) with curly black hair and very curvy, my partner is 5?8 or 9 with long blond hair and not as curvy (read, fat) as I am. We were coming out of the casino on New Years Eve and as we are …Continue Reading… […]

  97. On July 29th, 2010 at 9:18 pm kids bedroom furniture sets Says:

    How about watching a TV show you’ve never seen before and seeing someone you think is quite good-looking (to put it mildly) and then speaking aloud some very “interesting” comments you happen to be thinking only to discover… or to be told by your mom, dad, sister… grandma… that the actor is like 15 years old… and you? 25.


    *passes out*

    Seriously, great story! I enjoyed reading it. Thanks.

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