Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

What, Me Neurotic?


I’m afraid we’re all stuck in a holding pattern, we of Casa de la Sausage, and I’m similarly afraid that it may lead us to kill one another. It’s like the whole house–including animals–senses that Something Really Big (and likely annoying) is about to happen and everyone has decided to exhibit their absolute worst behavior.

Ben, at age 7, is so full of The Dramatic that I may one day soon strangle him with his sassy lip. You think your toddler asking you “Why?” is annoying? Wait until it becomes a challenging “WHY” whenever you ask the fruit of your loins to do something like “turn off the television.” The “WHY” I now get isn’t a question, it’s a challenge, a la “WHY should I?” Charming.

Also charming is a note I received this morning from him. It states “I’m leving [sic]. I’m not kidding. Seriously.” This was upon realizing that we had locked the computer–after daring to limit his video game/boob tube time–this morning. Assholes.

And Alex, my Momma’s Boy Extraordinaire is almost two. How do I know this without knowing his birthday happens to be popping up at the end of March? Testing. Every single thing he does is to test how far he CAN do it. Like throwing all of his toys down the laundry chute after being told to cease and desist. While Ben went through this at about 3, Alex seems to be entering the Two’s Of Doom.

The cats, who despite being mostly adopted as adults, have gone from being Super Crazy Friendly to 11. Meaning, if you’re even thinking about sitting, standing still or are otherwise in the vicinity of perhaps being able to provide love, you’re pretty much wearing said cat(s). Since they don’t all get along, you can imagine how fun a cat fight is when you’re wearing them all. I love my cats and I’m thrilled that they’re all so earnest to be loved, but damn, sometimes a 20 pound cat smooshing against your body gets a little…cramped.

The dogs–no, we didn’t get rid of Auggie even though I’ve threatened it more times than I can count–are similarly aware that Something Is About To Happen. Which, in dog speak means that they insist upon following me around pretty much 24 by 7. Like last night, for example, when I tried to submerge my hippo-like body into the bath tub (a word to the wise: bathing gets complicated at 36+ weeks), they both sat at the bathroom door, which happened to be open a crack, in order to neurotically watch me.

The cats had split up at this point and one was in the bathroom with me, watching me try and shave my girly bits (didn’t work so well) and assumably laughing at my pathetic plight, while the other two sat behind the dogs, occasionally growling and hissing at each other or the dogs.

And forget having the slightest modicum of privacy while Taking Care of Business In The Bathroom. I have an entourage, including, but not limited to my children, my husband and all of the animals that do not live in cages. It’s no wonder my modesty evaporated years ago. Nothing says “I Love You” like dropping some dookes while talking about dinner-time plans.

Dave is fairing no better himself. Because he’s going to be taking time off when Amelia comes (please baby girl, come soon. I’ll buy you WHATEVER you want if you do), he cannot start any real projects at work, and since we’re all Just Waiting here, he’s having a terrible time really getting motivated to do much besides eat Kettle Corn and rub his belly. JUST LIKE ME!

Couvade, you’re a wily bastard.

And I’m, well, a mess, of course. I’m not sure who isn’t by this point in a pregnancy. I’m shaped remarkably like a daddy long legs right now, so my crotch is giving me the distinct impression that it’s actually trying to split itself in two pieces while my ribs are moaning and groaning by the fact that there’s a creature inside there trying to separate the two halves of their cage.

The act of putting on shoes or pants requires a forklift and an intricate set of blueprints, while I am suddenly beginning to swell up just like a puffer fish, and I’m pretty sure that if this goes on much longer, I might actually be mistaken for the Michelin Man. Or the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

And worst of all is that I’m bored and anxious and pretty damn feeble so I’m kind of stuck moaning and groaning and lying around hoping that each contraction will signal the start of labor. Which isn’t going to happen, of course, as my kids need to be dragged out kicking and screaming.


Help, Internet! This is Aunt Becky typing out a frantic SOS. Oh, and I’m learning from other blogs that it’s National De-lurking Day (or something) so go forth and de-lurk! How am I supposed to fill the days between now and the end of January?

60 Comments to

“What, Me Neurotic?”

  1. On January 12th, 2009 at 12:49 pm abandoning eden Says:

    When is your due date? Please tell me soon….you are scaring me and my future-baby plans! 🙂

  2. On January 12th, 2009 at 12:51 pm Maria Says:

    I had to put my cats up for adoption when I was pregnant with MJ. I miss them, but it had to happen. Which sucks. Husband is lucky I didn’t put him up for adoption as well.

  3. On January 12th, 2009 at 12:57 pm Rachel Says:

    I think animals are very in-tune to ‘things about to happen.’ If they’re acting weird, I bet labor will be starting any minute.

  4. On January 12th, 2009 at 12:59 pm michelle Says:

    Privacy and Motherhood. Never the two shall meet……

  5. On January 12th, 2009 at 1:01 pm Mrs.Spit Says:

    I got nothing. Hang in there. The alternative is worse.

  6. On January 12th, 2009 at 1:02 pm Sara Says:

    I haven’t peed alone in 4 years. I feel your pain. Just not the 36+ week knocked up pain. I decided twice was enough!

  7. On January 12th, 2009 at 1:06 pm Em Says:

    I’m with Rachel – like a tsunami. Which might not be the visual a woman whose waters are about to break might want in her head.


    For the comment, and the “holding pattern.”

    But a great big thanks to you!! I’ve been feeling in the dumps about wanting that third baby that will never be. You just reminded me how much I HATE being pregnant.

    Might be time to start trying some of those wive’s tales about bringing on labor…

  8. On January 12th, 2009 at 1:06 pm Coco Says:

    Play online mah-jong. You can kill hours doing that.

    Shop. I spent days the week before Bean arrived trundling my super-huge bod around BassPro Shops, looking at fishing lamps and actual fish (in their super large aquariums!). It was awesome.

  9. On January 12th, 2009 at 1:16 pm ainebegonia Says:

    I’m shocked you can still manage the bath. I have to give up baths by the 7th month with my pregnancies, because I could get in but I could not get out. Not that showering was a picnic either. I always was worried that I was missing some body part I couldn’t see over the huge protusion. My mantra in the 8th and 9th months was always, “almost over, almost over, almost over, almost over”

  10. On January 12th, 2009 at 1:25 pm a Says:

    Facebook games or Mindless entertainment for free…

  11. On January 12th, 2009 at 1:28 pm Miss Grace Says:

    Sounds like y’all are having a GRAND old time.

  12. On January 12th, 2009 at 1:43 pm kbrients Says:

    oh I don’t lurk very well… but I will de-lurk for you! I hope she comes soon… and easy… and is all smiles and sweetness!!

    I cannot wait to see pictures of her… and YOU BETTER POST THEM!

  13. On January 12th, 2009 at 1:51 pm swirl girl Says:

    when you figure out how to drop your dookies all by yourself…you could sell your secrets . really you could.

    I have copped a squat by myself in 9 years.

  14. On January 12th, 2009 at 2:26 pm Jenn Says:

    I envy you not.
    Boo is going through that same stage as Alex right now. I swear the two of them would take over (and subsequently destroy) the world if they ever put those two devious heads of theirs together.
    I predict that Amelia will be your angel baby. She’ll be so sweet that she will make every single other BEST BABY EVER look like a total asshole. She’s just putting you through this now to get it out of her system. 🙂

  15. On January 12th, 2009 at 2:29 pm lola Says:

    I just hate to pee alone, so it works out great what with the dogs, cats and kid 😉

    I haven’t a clue what to tell you to do with yourself. At that stage in the pregnancy game, almost anything enjoyable is impossible to pull off.

    On another note, you could start to ask Ben “WHY” in a very whiny tone every time he speaks to you. Worked like a charm with my little monster. I know, I know, I get the Queen of Parenting Award.

  16. On January 12th, 2009 at 2:47 pm Donna Says:

    Ok, I’m delurking, but I too got nothing, but remember the not peeing in privacy. Not it’s the cats or dogs that want to watch. Glad to see you posted was worrying about you.

  17. On January 12th, 2009 at 2:57 pm Yourgodlovesmeto Says:

    Have you ever considered learning to knit?
    I don’t like knitting so I am not actually a good spokesperson but I found in my last month that learning knew things helped to distract me from killing people.
    Also, I wrote my second an eviction notice at 37 weeks(ish) and posted it on my belly. It didn’t work but it made me feel so much better!

  18. On January 12th, 2009 at 3:07 pm ewe_are_here Says:

    Oh gawd, I think you’ve just described my future… I’m a mere 20 weeks behind you, and I already see my wild almost-2 year old driving me insane with the boundary pushing, and the mouthy 3 1/2 year old… and the no privacy, no matter how much I need it…

    Hang in there.

  19. On January 12th, 2009 at 3:16 pm Bree Says:

    Cakewrecks. The one and only place I can consistently laugh, no matter how many tears I’ve shed that day. Although I do shed tears of laughter. And may have peed myself a little reading the ET cake post.

  20. On January 12th, 2009 at 3:29 pm Heather P. Says:

    Bless your heart! But no I haven’t peed alone in many years.
    Watch reality TV-the Bridezilla’s or anything on the WE channel-good dysfunctional fun. My husband loves the Redneck Wedding show on Spike channel. What can I say-we are idiots.
    Watch the Duggers on Discovery, or Jon & Kate Plus Eight. I bet neither one of those gals has peed alone in YEARS!

  21. On January 12th, 2009 at 3:58 pm baseballmom Says:

    Hahaha! You kill me, girl…and I know that you are oh so serious too. I hate when the dogs know something’s up, like when we’re packing to go somewhere and they have to follow me. Yesterday, I was folding laundry, which I hate anyway, and our old Lab, Zip was standing behind me. Just standing, and staring at the wall. Later, I tripped over him and fell flat on my face, I totally lost it! Okay, I have some ideas-get a pedicure, read Mrs. Kimble-I just finished it, and it was AWESOME, also I heard the twilight books are good, but haven’t read them…you could do that? I am obsessed with Facebook games like word twist (challenge me, I’ll play ya), Scramble, and especially Pathwords. I love to go on craigslist and just LOOK. Hang in there, girl.

  22. On January 12th, 2009 at 4:10 pm S to the hizzarah Says:

    Wait a minute, you mean that some people on this planet actually pee WITHOUT an audience??? Wow. I mean, like. Wow.
    I’m going to post a crappy short story later which you are welcome to read to pass some time, other than that, I’d say start walking and don’t stop until she pops out. That’s what I did although I may have been in labour before the walking and could have saved all that energy if I’d just contracted lying down. I prefer to think my brilliant idea of doing figure 8’s around the living room/dining room until I got everything going was the ticket though.

  23. On January 12th, 2009 at 4:11 pm S to the hizzarah Says:

    Oh and by the way, I love you. You’re better than Cake Wrecks.

  24. On January 12th, 2009 at 4:24 pm birdpress Says:

    I’m wondering how you must look trying to get close enough to the keyboard to type around the baby belly. (You’re sure it’s just one in there, right?) I’m picturing a laptop converted to a bellytop.

  25. On January 12th, 2009 at 4:55 pm Betts Says:

    My dogs started acting weird just before I was about to pop, too. It’s kind of scary that they can sense things like that.

    My suggestion… try painting your toenails. It should take about a day and a half in your condition and it’ll give your family something to laugh about.

  26. On January 12th, 2009 at 5:00 pm rayne of terror Says:

    It sucks it sucks it sucks.

    I’ve got your old ID and you’re all dressed up like the Cure.

    Only a little ways more to go. Maybe it’s time to take up yoga 😉 THen you could get to your lady bits. Or get an indoor pool pass at the Y to take up time.

  27. On January 12th, 2009 at 5:13 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    The animals may be on to something – supposedly they can predict earthquakes and things like that.

    Yeah, whatcha doin still taking baths lady? If the Davver has to call the Fire Department to help you out of the tub, forget modesty – you’ll all have to move, he’ll have to change jobs, you’ll all need new identities and plastic surgery to live that down.

    Do you have any ‘nesting’ symptoms yet?

  28. On January 12th, 2009 at 7:07 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    you could knit, or learn how to make venison jerky…

  29. On January 12th, 2009 at 7:38 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I have to go to work to be in a bathroom alone, and then that only last for, like, less than a minute because some customer thinks they have to be in there with me, too. Thankfully, they don’t attempt to stare at me or have a debate with me while I’m just trying to pee in peace. For the most part…

    I hope baby girl shows up sooner!

  30. On January 12th, 2009 at 8:24 pm tryingin2007 Says:

    oh man! I wish I lived near you. I’d come by and no doubt we would have a good laugh. the “end” is near my dear. hang in there.

  31. On January 12th, 2009 at 8:26 pm Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:

    facebook apps or myspace apps..I wish I had those when I was preg w/ my 2..
    Tho I did make the internet work for me w/ the fact my water broke when I got up from the computer chair to go I moved to the bathroom fast enough to avoid soaking my socks is a mystery to me still, 9 years later…

    and just when you think she is NEVER coming out, you will go into labor…

  32. On January 12th, 2009 at 8:30 pm melanie Says:

    Man I remember those last weeks well (my baby is 7 months old, my son was 3 when she was born and I was babysitting my cousins baby who was 16 months old when I was due….oh and I was responsible for getting my 6 yr old niece to and from school—I thought I was going to lose my ever loving mind!)

    I was grateful for a c-section date about a week before my due date, because i knew i wasnt going to go any later than that day…. I did get a pedicure the week before delivery (and the nurses in the OR who were prepping me asked if the pedicure was for their benefit, and I said heck ya, I wanted SOMETHING on me to be attractive! LOL)……… the gal who did my toes was convinced i was having a girl ( I didnt find out what I was having) so she asked if she could put a tiny butterfly on each of my big toes, i said ok……and YUP had a girl!

    I cant get over that you got in the bathtub!!! NO WAY NO HOW was I gonna attempt that in the 3rd trimester!

  33. On January 12th, 2009 at 9:29 pm Lynanne Says:

    The last weeks, days, and hours are a bitch. I feel for you, I really do.

    I guess there is a reason men don’t do this. He can rub his belly and eat kettle corn now, but just wait until he gets a hangnail. 🙂

  34. On January 12th, 2009 at 9:54 pm Lynn Says:

    I’m 35 weeks, and I feel every single stitch of your pain. The sciatica started kicking in this weekend, so the walking I *do* is sheer agony right along the right side of my butt and leg.

    I think unless you live alone, you don’t get to have audience-free bathroom time. It just doesn’t happen. No one wants anything to do with you until you have to pee. My fur children and human children are the same.

    I recommend Yahoo! games. Blackjack, Literati (Scrabble) and those kinds of things. Awesome time wasters and hey, you might even learn something. Hah!

    According to Dr. Sears, you can sit in the “lotus” position to encourage labor. (insert maniacal laughter here) Yeah, that was totally a joke, along with their books. 😉

  35. On January 12th, 2009 at 10:40 pm gypsygrrl Says:

    ohh becky. i love you so very much. i am sitting here laughing at your plight (as a formerly 350-lb gal, at 5’2″ thats well…you can imagine) in the bathtub. bathing at 350-lb was always, how shall we say…? interesting. i am so sorry.

    the animals and the entourage while you tend to business in the bathroom just cracks me up. i am so sorry that i am laughing at you.

    i am glad you love me tho, as we share a birthday and are BBFF, forever.
    i wish i lived close and i could listen to you tell me all this in person.

    love you and wishing you progressing labor soon!

  36. On January 12th, 2009 at 11:40 pm Kristen Wiley Says:

    Thank you. Thank you for giving me such great insight into what my life will *hopefully* be like in the near future. Although, I have to say peeing alone is already a distant memory. Our German Shepard pup Sydney not only loves to be in the bathroom with Mommy, but insists on licking your knees while you take care of business. That, my friends, is awkward. I feel like she should at least buy my dinner first….

    And about the animals have a 6th sense thing, I do agree. When I started miscarrying last week, Syd would not leave my side. I was on bedrest for 2 days, and she was with me. She cried when my husband would take her outside. Even though she is the Devil Dog, she is pretty sweet sometimes. 😉

    I hope she comes soon. I feel like you have been pregnant FOREVER, so I can’t imagine how you are coping!! The Twilight series are good, also read anything by Janet Evanovich, or Jen Lancaster. They are Laugh-Out-Loud and just may get the contractions going if you have a bout of the giggles!!!

  37. On January 13th, 2009 at 6:23 am Molly Says:

    Electric Fence. Husband. Kids. Animals. You get bathroom in peace. Of course there would be a major investment on collars and training.

  38. On January 13th, 2009 at 6:37 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    The last weeks are awful! I’m sorry you’re all so out of sorts.

  39. On January 13th, 2009 at 8:01 am mumma boo Says:

    Bathroom activities in solitude? There is such a thing? Hang in there – the animals are predicting her imminent arrival. And, the bathtub? Really? You’re my hero.

  40. On January 13th, 2009 at 8:08 am Kristine Says:

    My favorite late term activity (granted I was working so I got out of the house a lot), was to reply to people asking me when I was due with “Last week.” And have them scatter like the wind. It was awesome. And at some point it became true, since I went to nearly 42 weeks.

    Otherwise, I mostly slept, but then I didn’t have 2 other children who required my attention.

  41. On January 13th, 2009 at 9:22 am Jeanne Says:

    The 12-year-old doesn’t accompany me to the bathroom anymore, but the cats do. Does that offer you any comfort?

  42. On January 13th, 2009 at 11:46 am TinaBaby Says:

    There’s nothing more conducive to dropping some dookies, than seeing little fingers slide under the bathroom door to wiggle at you.

  43. On January 13th, 2009 at 11:48 am Badass Geek Says:

    Can I come to your home with a camcorder? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that there would be enough material in one day of filming to win the grand prize on America’s Funniest Home Video’s.

  44. On January 13th, 2009 at 12:12 pm Sandy Says:

    I highly recommend the online game Chuzzles. I can sit and waste entire days playing Chuzzles. I had my husband take it off the computer for that very reason…now the bills get paid, but I miss my Chuzzles.

  45. On January 13th, 2009 at 12:26 pm deb Says:

    Tick tock tick tock. You’re in the homestretch now. Even if it does feel like you will be pregnant for the rest of your life. It’s not so. Not possible even, so there’s good news.
    Try reading mindless fluff online or playing online games like the others have suggested. But know that it wont be much longer.

  46. On January 13th, 2009 at 12:47 pm Kirsty Says:

    Hey! Just found your blog! Love it! I’m a fellow mom of 2 boys and a girl! Except I have a boy sandwich – you know, with girl in the middle!
    Anyhoo – wanted to wish you luck for the new arrival! If you want a glimpse of what life will be like with 3…. then hop over to my blog!
    Although, I’m sure yours won’t be half as chaotic as mine, because we were completely insane and had 3 babies in 4 years!!!
    Kirsty x

  47. On January 13th, 2009 at 1:48 pm trish Says:

    You’re scaring me.

    Love you, though!

  48. On January 13th, 2009 at 2:23 pm moxie Says:

    Ha! I get it, Casa de la Sausage….silly me *shakes head*

  49. On January 13th, 2009 at 2:49 pm Kendra Says:

    Oh, those final weeks are killers! I think I made it through the last trimester this last time by totally obsessing over a variety of things. It varied from one day to another, but I remember several weeks utterly consumed by my obsession with finding the perfect diaper bag. I went so far as to have Word documents devoted to the pros and cons of various bags, including price, size, and shipping costs. And just go ahead and ask what I’m using for a diaper bag now. There are two: the Enfamil one that they sent me after I complained that my local hospital didn’t “participate” in their little program, and the laptop bag that my husband got on sale after I complained that we had NO ACCEPTABLE DIAPER BAGS!

    But though it now seems a little overboard, I don’t regret my complete obsession with the quest for the perfect bag (and definitely found some that I may go ahead and get eventually!). It really helped me through those last weeks.

  50. On January 13th, 2009 at 2:51 pm Kendra Says:

    Oh, and I regularly give sermons on how reasonable it is to ask to be alone just long enough to go to the bathroom. No one listens, but at least you’re not alone in your plight (in addition to simply never being alone).

  51. On January 13th, 2009 at 4:58 pm RhoRho Says:

    Dude really you have been pregnant for close to 2 years. I do not envy your predicament. I think it’s baked enough.

  52. On January 13th, 2009 at 8:26 pm docgrumbles Says:

    Thanks for reminding me it could be worse! I just have the cat, the bubby, and the new house to deal with!

    If you figure out how to make her come, please share you secret with me!

  53. On January 13th, 2009 at 10:09 pm KT Says:

    I hate those last couple weeks………they drag on. Hang in there…….can you read some books to fill the time and ignore the animals? I’ll be thinking of you and eagerly awaiting news on her arrival!

  54. On January 13th, 2009 at 11:37 pm Collette Says:

    Oh you poor thing. I can relate the sassy sevens. But my worst enemy is not a challenging why (although I did get them this morning) it is the I know. For instance Payton, please don’t leave the bathroom light on. Her response is I know. Seriously, if you know then why did you leave it on? Put your shoes on it is time to go. I know. Then why are you watching TV! Put your damn shoes on! I get it all the time. Okay, sorry, needed to vent a bit.

    Soon you will be so out of it due to lack of sleep you will have no idea what is going on or who is watching you drop dookies.

  55. On January 14th, 2009 at 1:10 am heather... Says:

    now I want Kettle Korn.

  56. On January 14th, 2009 at 7:47 am bri Says:

    I would never do that pregnancy thing again. Not ever. It sucks bigtime. I hope yours ends soon.

    I GET TO MEET YOU AT BLOGHER! Thanks for that bright light in my future.

  57. On January 14th, 2009 at 9:37 am honeywine Says:

    I would suggest anything at all involving a remote control! Let Amelia come out singing that Green Acres song! 😀

  58. On January 14th, 2009 at 10:33 am chris Says:

    Keep writing so I can be constantly entertained. I know, it’s all about me…

  59. On January 17th, 2009 at 1:41 pm Fancy Says:

    God, those last few weeks are miserable. My son was born during a heat wave, and all I could do was wear as little as possible and take many cold showers. He was due July 4, so I went to as many fireworks displays as possible, hoping to scare him out. The little booger was 4 days late! (psst, I hear that orgasms may help you go into labor. Not sure if it’s true, but have fun trying!)

  60. On January 18th, 2009 at 4:32 pm Mrs G Says:

    You have just suceeded in increasing the age gap between my kids!

    It may have been 14 months ago, but I remember where you are at and feel your pain. I know nothing I say will make it seem any better, because by now you just want your body back to yourself!

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