Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

What I Did On My Thanksgiving Vacation, By Aunt Becky


Dear The Internet,

Last week was Thanksgiving which meant that my eldest son was off of school for the whole week. Back when I was in school, up hill, both ways in the rain, when kids respected their elders, we did not have the whole week off school for Thanksgiving to annoy our parents. Because my mother would have sensibly locked me out of the house so that she could have some goddamn peace and quiet.

Instead, we had some Family Fun Time.

Because The Daver got sick. VERY sick. So sick that he had to stay home from work so that he could mope about the house, dropping used tissues around, coughing dramatically and sighing deeply whenever I asked him to do anything. Like pick up his used tissues.

Probably because he found one of Dave’s used tissues, Alex got sick and I wasn’t sure if The Terrible Two’s were rearing their head or if he was really getting sick because when I would say something like, “Alex, would you like some pudding?” His response was to throw himself onto the floor and kick and scream, which is sort of how I feel about pudding, but you know, he’s a kid. Kids like pudding.

Well, turns out that that the kid’s ears were full of bacterial pudding*. Awesome.

Not to be outdone by the elder sausages, Amelia jumped into the mix with a sweet sounding cough while my sinuses filled up with sludge just as all of the doctor’s offices closed for the holiday. I began to curse Thanksgiving until I made what was probably the best cheesecake on the planet. It was like the heavens opened up and smiled down upon THIS cheesecake.

Thanksgiving Day was shockingly nice, considering it’s a holiday I normally loathe and detest. We had my parents over for lasagna and The Cheesecake of the Gods and with the exception of Ben behaving like a monkey on crack, it was highly enjoyable. That night The Daver and I remarked that it was the best Thanksgiving that we’ve had, well, ever.

Say it with me now, Internet: you shut your whore mouth.

Thanksgiving Day Take Two was an EPIC disaster. Even though we were just driving the seven minutes across town to my parents house, Alex was hysterical and thrashing about like a greased weasel, insisting that we stay home to watch the fucking Backyardagains, Mimi was tearful, boogery and in dire need of a nap while Ben was alternating between the two of them whining about his canker sore.

Finally, I snapped at him and offered to cut off his lip if he didn’t stop carrying on about it and that sent HIM into a tailspin of despair. Whomever says boys can’t be dramatic can shut their whore mouth. Eventually we did make it over to my parents house with only a couple of hysterical children who were placated by several pounds of stuffing because who doesn’t like stuffing? Nazis, that’s who. And people who are dead inside.

Today I am thankful for donkey porn, penicillin, Vicodin, vodka, and mostly that Thanksgiving is fucking OVER.


How was YOUR holiday? Are you thankful for donkey porn too? And for Cyber Monday (which, I should say, makes me feel kind of dirty to say, like I’m about to have The Sex with you all)(because I TOTALLY AM)?

And because I am going to give you stuff this week, I need your help now (because I am a TAKER). If you had to pick some of your favorite posts that I wrote, what would they be?

*You’re welcome for that visual.

125 Comments to

“What I Did On My Thanksgiving Vacation, By Aunt Becky”

  1. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:01 pm Kisha Floren Says:

    We had a very similar Thanksgiving, except I was the only one sick, with a sinus infection, luckily the doctor at the urgent care was so thrilled I wasn’t there to whine about the swine flu plague that he sent me home with a gift of amoxicillin and Tylenol 3-yay! And I don’t make cheesecake, I braved the nuts at Costco to get one of their pumpkin cheesecakes…yum. Hope all your sickies are on the mend! And I love you.

  2. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:09 pm Lady Of The House Says:

    Thanksgiving isn’t over. It’s not over until every last morsel of goodness is out of my fridge. BTW how long does turkey last before it exits your body in an unhappy way?

    I love all your posts (aren’t I fucking helpful?)

  3. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:16 pm Nona Says:

    Hope you all feel better. Eat more cheesecake. That always works at my house.

  4. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:17 pm charity Says:

    I love all of your posts too- you’re my new hero:)

  5. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:20 pm charity Says:

    I love all of your posts too- you’re my new hero:)
    And what the fuck is Donkey porn anyway?

  6. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:20 pm Jessica Says:

    I was surprised to have a great Thanksgiving, usually they turn out just as your’s did with a father in law figure that acts 2 years old on top of my 3 kids but this year I got lucky! It was the whole weekend after Thanksgiving I paid for it. The kids were crazy, screaming, fighting, crying, bitching . . . ah . . back to work today. Have a good one.

  7. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:35 pm Anjali Says:

    I’m so sorry you guys were sick! But now, knowing you had pasta, I don’t feel like such a freak for serving pasta for Thanksgiving. (Though I should have done a cheesecake, too.)

  8. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:41 pm Brooke Says:

    This is actually one of my new favorites. The Box Thai food was another. And also the one about Ben dancing like a salad. All for the great visuals, i.e. ear pudding. Granted I haven’t read all however many hundreds of pages of posts you’ve written, but I’d say you’re getting better with age.

    With the exception of our dog making butt pudding (see, I can make gross visuals, too – see my blog for the full explanation) and spending the next 2 days in a hospital and thereby using up our honeymoon money, I had a nice Thanksgiving with my family.

  9. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:45 pm Heather Says:

    Thanksgiving was peachy. Thanks for asking.
    I’m terribly upset that you didn’t invite me over for the-cheesecake-that-was-smiled-upon-by-the-heavens. I am going to go cry now. I don’t give a shit that I am in Utah…I would make a trip! *kicking and flailing about* (That was my impression of Alex)
    Kev and I have had “sinus pudding” the entire last week. (That was our impression of Mimi and The Daver)
    Ben gave me his canker, tell him thanks for me. If by “canker” you mean a Herpes outbreak spreading across my entire upper lip ON MY FACE! No, I don’t have HERPES…it’s a reaction to laser hair removal. Bastards.
    Obviously, my meds haven’t kick in yet.
    I love you Aunt Becky!

  10. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:47 pm BigSis Says:

    I’m pretty sure all my son ate for his first 8 Thanksgivings was bread. Stuffing is much healthier!

    I too want to know what Donkey Porn is…

  11. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:50 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I have not found a damn thing worth buying today online. No decent Cyber Monday sales at all where I need to shop.

    Our Thanksgiving vacation was wonderful because it was at my parent’s house all week & I had to do nothing & go nowhere once we arrived.

    Came home yesterday and today started off with a call from the school at 8:45am telling me Mayhem has lice.

    Hope you all are feeling better!

  12. On November 30th, 2009 at 8:31 pm Clair Jordan Says:

    Ugh, my daughter got lice last year. My daughter has hair down to her butt so you can imagine my reaction!!! I shampooed everyone’s hair with ridex or nix or something including mine and hubby’s. Tied every single toy into a garbage bag, lysol’ed the entire house, washed all the sheets in scalding hot water and compulsively washed my hands when I was wasn’t scratching my scalp out.

    Hope you are calmer than me!

  13. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I would have been having a heart attack. You rule.

  14. On November 30th, 2009 at 1:56 pm Miss Grace Says:

    I didn’t have Gabriel this weekend. Which left me utterly without responsibility, but also utterly unmoored in a sea of holiday. I would have rather been raked down by illness and had him home for dinner, strangely.

  15. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:01 pm Fawn - Like A Deer Says:

    My boys are drama queens from the word go – ten times worse than my girls. “But mommmmmmeeeeee it hurrrrrtttsss…i can’t eeeattt.” Yeah, TIMES TEN. That’d be my kid with a canker sore.

    I love all of your posts too, but the one about the pad thai noodles and the “Aww Yeah” arrows cracks my shit up. Every. Time.

    Heart you.

  16. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:07 pm MamaSkates Says:

    Cyber Monday in full effect! oh yeah, right there baby…u know how i like it! ;0)

    ur Aunt Becky visits post was the best! but of course, i’m biased ;0)

  17. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:09 pm moonspun Says:

    Is boogery an official word? It must be, it’s a great one!
    Favorite post? Come on…really? Hmmm…the one with your halloween blue eye shadow was pretty cool.
    though I love 99% of them…really….

  18. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:10 pm Allie Says:

    I was just telling my friend today that Cyber Monday just sounds dirty to me. Actually, anything involving the word cyber reminds me of sex because I’m pretty much a 12 year old boy.

  19. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:13 pm Kristine Says:

    I volunteer to bring pie to both Thnksgivings this year. I then proceeded to buy said pie at the resturant where I like the pie. I will do this forever and ever until I get caught.

    Landon always gets mad when I threaten to cut off his body parts too. Such a cry-baby.

    I love all your posts (cause I’m helpful like that.)

  20. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:15 pm Lee the Hot Flash Queen Says:

    Are you sure you weren’t at my house? I have already cut off all my kids limbs and am about to decree “off with their heads” when school stepped in and saved the day.

  21. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:24 pm Nancy Campbell Says:

    “You shut your whore mouth.” Dy-ing.

    The lasagna and cheesecake Thanksgiving 1.0 sounds divine.

  22. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:29 pm Sam Says:

    Oh wow! I finally found someone else who doesn’t get all orgasmic at the mere thought of Thanksgiving! And Aunt Becky, it’s you. I loathe it. No presents. No candy. No dressing up in skanky cheap made-in-China costumes. No awesome pastel eggs….I mean there’s FOOD, but all holidays have food. Aaaaanyway….. at least I didn’t have to do much cooking this year. Except for my artistic cupcakes that made me homicidal. I’m thinking for my favorite posts though? I loved the stuff about the My Grains. (Because I’ve started getting them this year and need to laugh? Who’s to say?!!!) But also the serious stuff about your little girl that made me cry. You pick.

  23. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:34 pm Delisha Says:

    I’ve got several post of your’s that is my favorite, but I would have to say this post and the Thai food post were the best. Loved seeing your mad microwaving skills.

    Sorry the entire family was sick, but everything always goes wrong on Thanksgiving. I had a pretty crappy one to if that makes you feel better.

    Cyber Monday has sucked for me. I haven’t found anything to buy. Maybe I can find some cheap porn to match the title of “Cyber” Monday.


  24. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:38 pm Rebecca Says:

    Nut Ban School…the post where you took Ben out of private school and put him in public and now you don’t have to pack his lunch.

    The post where you talk about how you got away from an abusive boyfriend. How he almost took you and your sons life. How you had the balls to leave the scumbag who hurt you.

    Any post that mentions your ‘girly bits’ and your husbands ‘dangly bits’ That’s what all the funny stuff is made of ‘yo!

    My holiday was wonderful. My mom spent two days baking and cooking and I spent the entire day on Thanksgiving eating until I was about to pop open.

    I had a day of rest and then did it all again at my mother in laws.

    Both are amazingly great cooks.

  25. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:44 pm Cohiba Says:

    oooo donkey pron… Hopefully were thinking the same thing but gives me flashbacks to the first donkey pron i saw that was a Nun and a donkey, was very funny, one of those pictures you look at tilt your head and go Huh..

    Then you wonder if your going to hell for looking at a picture of a nun doing something very un-nunly.

    No one was sick, but we all ate to much, my pumpkin pie fell in the cool-whip. yes I like a little pumpkin pie with my extra creamy cool-whip. Were having turkey leftovers tonight. Turkey the triptafan is a wonderful thing… That or its a good thing to blame being lazy on πŸ˜‰

  26. On November 30th, 2009 at 2:58 pm Mwa Says:

    I love donkey porn, too. I demand some in the next post.

  27. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:05 pm Empresso Says:

    I had to Google donkey porn. Who knew? Thanksgiving was, well, a largish meal eaten with family that I rarely see for a reason. Kids had fun torturing Grandma until she pounded the table and yelled at them and they came running to me with tears and snotty noses. Suddenly, I wasn’t such a witch and for that I am thankful.

  28. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:12 pm pixielation Says:

    What we did for thanksgiving was be British and not do it. Or in my case, be Australian and not do it.

    Loving the monkey on crack image in my head now though.

  29. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:16 pm gaylin Says:

    I like your posts with commentary on men or The Daver in specific and the need for sex and or blow jobs at the most inconvenient times. Yeah, like when you had the hamthrax.

    I am Canadian so Thanksgiving was October with my mom’s tasteless turkey, my mean sister being sarcastic, my other sisters kids rolling their eyes a lot and then a mad dash to get on a ferry and get back to Vancouver.

    I did get Thanksgiving dinner last Thursday, by accident. Visiting my nephew and his girlfriend, her mom had come over to prepare the whole meal because the girlfriend just had major surgery. Do I want to stay and have dinner for the second time, sure!

    I will be eternally grateful to never see donkey porn.
    I am thankful that I have this blog to read at work, boring long days at work, punctuated with laughter over this blog and the comments.

    We are all full of this awesome when visiting this blog.

    Oh yeah and I am 50 now!

  30. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:20 pm linlah Says:

    I too like donkey porn but without the donkey.

    Boys “no drama” ugh, they are the drama queens but as a mother we refuse to admit it can happen.

    My favorite post
    Today We Fight

  31. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:28 pm Kelly Says:

    Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful, we went to my mom’s as usual, and dinner was running late as usual. While things were cooking the small children’s were playing in the back porch (Nana’s playroom) while we were all just hanging out waiting for the damn food to be ready.

    I looked up and noticed that the porch door was closed, um, a very bad sign. My mom went to investigate, only to find my 3 year old, and my 4 year old niece had gotten into the dog food, both had aprons on, had loaded the play kitchen full of dog food, the sink, the pots and pans, the floor, any container they could find was completely filled with dog food. Not to mention, their pockets, and the entire floor was covered.

    My mom has 3 dogs, and they are fed 2 different kinds of food. The girls had gotten into both kinds, and mixed them up.

    The worst part, it was sooo naughty. No one could stop laughing. None of us. It was so freaking funny, to see that dog food everywhere, and those girls all decked out in their little aprons.

  32. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:30 pm Blogging Mama Andrea Says:

    We went to my husband’s aunt’s house. She hosts every year. This was our first T-giving in four years since we’ve been living overseas but I didn’t miss anything.

    I had several glasses of wine. I ate berry pie/cheesecake. I stayed very far away from Crazy Uncle Al (so crazy he gets capital letters), enjoyed the fact that like always I was the only one who believes in dressing UP for a holiday (and I had on JEANS people! A real blow to my personal beliefs this year). I said as little as possible and pretended I understood everything his crazy family said. I came. I ate. I survived.

    Can I please get that on a t-shirt?

    Hope the house is feeling better soon.

  33. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:33 pm Kori Says:

    It’s OVER, that’s how it was. Thank God I can still smoke. And I haven’t been reading you long enough to have a favorite post, sorry!

  34. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:42 pm Zakary Says:

    DAYUM, Aunt Becky.

    I hope you have a much better Christmas.

    Also, fuck me in the face because it’s about to be Christmas.

  35. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:44 pm Melanie Says:

    My head is spinning just reading this. I’m now thankful that it’s over, now,just on your behalf. πŸ˜‰

  36. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:44 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    This whore-mouthed healthy reader had an awesome Thanksgiving, thankyouverymuch.

  37. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:50 pm Hilly Says:

    Can you come over and play? You say things like, “Dear The Internet” and that makes me all giddy on the inside.

  38. On November 30th, 2009 at 3:54 pm Jenn Says:

    When I was younger I DID get the entire week off for Thanksgiving. But now Monkey only gets 2 days. I think it’s weird to not get the whole week.

    My day went well. Probably because we completely shut out all extended family and kept the holiday to ourselves this year.

    And yes, I am more thankful for donkey porn than I probably should be.

  39. On November 30th, 2009 at 4:01 pm Lucy Cooper Says:

    Ugh- sorry the babies were sick. Of course, kids are most likely to become ill when it’s a holiday week, or on Friday afternoon at 4:57 PM.

    How was my Thanksgiving? My mother in law was out of the country. Thank you Baby Jesus!

  40. On November 30th, 2009 at 4:01 pm Caron Says:

    I like the one where you went all Pioneer Woman and cooked the instant/Thai/nightmare/noodles in the microwave and then didn’t get to eat them. That made me laugh. The photos were extra laugh-worthy, too.

  41. On November 30th, 2009 at 4:11 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    It never fails, kids always get sick on weekends and holidays. Hope you all feel better soon.

    Hmmm, favorite posts…

    and I think you wrote it for Toy With Me, but the one about getting caught having The Sex.

  42. On November 30th, 2009 at 4:25 pm Beth Says:

    Oh great. Now I find out my oldest daughter is a dead inside Nazi! She informed us this holiday that she is a little bit afraid of stuffing. Weird, I know.

    We spent Saturday afternoon through Sunday evening downtown Chicago trying to find some holiday cheer. Instead we found a bunch of shoeless homeless men and drunks on the blue line. Ho frickin’ Ho.

  43. On November 30th, 2009 at 4:25 pm Manda Says:

    My friend Lisa holds an open house every year the day before Thanksgiving for all of her friends. It includes copious amounts of beer and special “Thanksgiving Mashed Potatoes” which have fresh dill in them.

    This was spectacular and wonderful except for one itsy bitsy problem. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes on the day before Thanksgiving.

    I had to start carb counting during the starchiest holiday of the year. Drat.

  44. On November 30th, 2009 at 4:32 pm Aimee @ Ain't Yo Mama's Blog Says:

    “Today I am thankful for donkey porn, penicillin, Vicodin, vodka, and mostly that Thanksgiving is fucking OVER.”

    Ha! I love this.

    I am thankful for at least 3 out of 5 of those items.

  45. On November 30th, 2009 at 4:38 pm txtingmrdarcy Says:

    I would like to nominate that we change the name of “Cyber Monday” to “The Sex With Aunt Becky Day.”

    It has a ring to it. And that’s better than lousy internet deals anyway. Hehehe

  46. On November 30th, 2009 at 4:42 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Someday….they will maybe all be healthy!

    We had a lovely Thanksgiving weekend full of mashed potatoes, deviled eggs and of course turkey. Leftovers. Then one dinner of strictly Nacho Cheese Doritos with Chili con Queso dip, Sour Patch Kids and M&M’s. Because Mr. Soup and I are really 13 year old kids.

  47. On November 30th, 2009 at 4:50 pm Miss Spoken Says:

    I’m sort of partial to Shrink, Shrank, Shrunk.

  48. On November 30th, 2009 at 5:21 pm Vinomom Says:

    I hate Thanksgiving too. And this year I now have more reasons to hate it.

    Why did your parents come over and then you drove BACK over there the next day?

    Also, can I come to your Thanksgiving next year? Cuz all I’ve ever really wanted in my whole life was someone to have LASAGNA AND CHEESE CAKE for Thanksgiving instead of disgusting Turkey.

  49. On November 30th, 2009 at 5:43 pm kys Says:

    Actually, I hate all holidays. My Thanksgiving could have been worse. At least I didn’t have to see my MIL.

    All your posts are terrific. How can I pick just one favorite?

  50. On November 30th, 2009 at 5:52 pm Belle Says:

    I am too jealous and angry to speak and tell you about my favorite posts… you want to know why? Because I tried to make cheesecake this year and royally screwed it up. As in not only did it taste like ass, it smelled so badly that I had to take it to the outside trash as soon as it came out of the oven.

  51. On November 30th, 2009 at 6:22 pm Dual Mom Says:

    I have two favorites, thank you for asking.

    Wet Spot- one of your early works. It is the post that hooked me on your blog and forced me to read your entire archives in a matter of days. I’m so glad I did.

    A Pink State of Mind – the one where you found out Ms. Amelia was indeed a little girl. This post made me cry. It reminded me so much of the feelings I had when I had my little miss (after two boys). I did not know what I was having…so after shooting her out the ole’ vagina my sister immediately shouted “Oh my god it’s a girl, it’s a girl” I literally felt as though someone had handed me millions of dollars when they placed her in my arms. To realize a dream….it’s an amazing feeling…and your pink post reminded me of that feeling.

    Thank you for blogging.

  52. On November 30th, 2009 at 6:25 pm Tracy Says:

    You are so funny, omg. You make me laugh every time I read. Thank you.

  53. On November 30th, 2009 at 6:36 pm Sylvia Says:

    I love the post about the wet spot. Hands down. I love you too. And all of the awesome that you write here. Please let me be your wife.

  54. On November 30th, 2009 at 6:39 pm Antropologa Says:

    You have some really funny ones…like when your dog escaped, or that lady came over. And you have some really amazing ones, like when your littlest was going through all that.

  55. On November 30th, 2009 at 6:51 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    I am thankful for monkeys on crack with canker sores, without which we would have to read paragraph after paragraph of you whining about Dave doing the same shit every husband does: we married you so that you’d clean up our used tissues like our mother used to.

  56. On November 30th, 2009 at 6:52 pm Alicia @ bethsix Says:

    I do not understand Cyber Monday (I know amazon is doing it. Is it beyond amazon, or is that the extent?), except yes, please to have Teh Sex with me.

    I just went back and looked at your posts that I’ve starred in Google Reader recently, which is sort of random and has a subjective but different impetus than, say, decided to “Like” or “Share” a post… but I can’t figure out how to find my Likes, and I can’t figure out how to easily sort my Shares by author, so here ya go. My two starred Beckies…

    As Thick as Blood – 9/25/09
    They Call Him the King of the Pumpkins – 10/9/09

    Strangely, these two are very “sweet” and not particularly Aunt Beckyish. I always remember the series you did on Amelia’s birth and surgery and stuff, and those were uncharacteristically sweet too.

    Not that you’re not sweet. It’s just in a whore-ish way. Whoresweet. Sweetwhore. See?

  57. On November 30th, 2009 at 6:52 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    I’m thinking our Thanksgiving needed more donkey porn.

  58. On November 30th, 2009 at 7:04 pm maya Says:

    I am thankful that the kids went back to school today. That’s how my Thanksgiving week went.

  59. On November 30th, 2009 at 7:32 pm Laure Says:

    Let the holidays begin! Our Thanksgiving, you ask? Well, my husband and I successfully ate a turkey that served 12-14 people by OURSELVES. Our oldest was sick and our youngest ate basically buns for 4 days.

    Our dog’s leg got chopped off on Wednesday and on Saturday we had to go to Urgent Care for our oldest who is STILL sick. LOVE my girl, but need some me time. I am currently fake watching Drake and Josh and typing, while making sounds like I am actually following this show.

    I love all that you write – who can pick just one?

  60. On November 30th, 2009 at 7:52 pm excavator Says:

    Imagining a soft halo spot on the cheesecake (I mean, The Cheese-cake) and an angelic choir.


  61. On December 1st, 2009 at 11:57 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I swear, there was a halo on that Cheesecake of The Gods.

  62. On November 30th, 2009 at 7:58 pm Evil Twin's Wife Says:

    Sorry you had the sickies. We also had the best Thanksgiving ever. And I am not a Thanksgiving fan.

  63. On December 1st, 2009 at 11:57 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Hooray for The Best Thanksgiving Ever!

  64. On November 30th, 2009 at 8:03 pm Siera Says:

    I am thankful to not have tubes coming out of me at the moment because apparently I have H1N1 which I disagree with.

    It’s funny that you curse the Backyardagains as they were on when I attempted to comment the first time but they failed to entral my son who wanted to hit the sleep button on the keyboard. A stern “no” sent him to the floor but instead of crying as per usual he hit the power button on power bar. Little guy is getting smaert at keeping mommy off the PC. Now if you want to be left alone In The Night Garden better be on.

  65. On December 1st, 2009 at 11:08 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The Backyardagains is responsible for every single earworm stuck in my head for the last 3 months. DAMN THEM!

  66. On November 30th, 2009 at 8:17 pm Aunt Juicebox Says:

    I was sick too. Which, let me say, that nothing is better than being too sick on your birthaversary to have hot monkey sex with your husband. Which, let me also say, I would have been willing to do anyway, but he whined about me coughing in his face. Pansy.

  67. On December 1st, 2009 at 11:07 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahaha! Fucking pansy.

  68. On November 30th, 2009 at 8:17 pm Jules Says:

    Always a fan of the Ask Aunt Becky posts.

    No one sick here for Thanksgiving (rather had the crazy notion to take the girls to both sides of the family – brilliant!)

  69. On December 1st, 2009 at 11:04 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Healthy holidays are amazing. I’m pretty pumped for you and sort of waiting for my turn. I’m now so hoarse that I can’t speak. Which is probably a nice break for everyone I live with.

  70. On November 30th, 2009 at 8:24 pm lydee Says:

    this one. because that’s how i feel about visiting my families (all of them).

  71. On December 1st, 2009 at 11:01 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Because it is full of The Awful. I am sorry.

  72. On November 30th, 2009 at 8:28 pm Katrina Says:

    I really liked your posts from July of this year. Perhaps in the summer you are extra full of The Awesome.

  73. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:50 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    July must have been My Month. It’s probably because it was my birthday month. Birthdays make me awesome.

  74. On November 30th, 2009 at 8:41 pm Clair Jordan Says:

    Love all your posts. Can’t wait to put the kids to bed at night so I can read without a little person reading over my shoulder.

    I do love the post about your honeymoon!

    I love Cyber Monday but next year I need to remember to shop at 12:01 AM There was already stuff sold out at 10A

    Are you going to share that cheesecake recipe?

  75. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:50 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I totally am going to share that recipe because it was so fucking amazing, it would be pitiful not to.

  76. On November 30th, 2009 at 9:03 pm Bluebird Says:

    SERIOUSLY???! It hurts my head, and my heart, to read this. They’re ALL sick? And, presumably, you’re still sick too??? So sorry, Aunt Becky, so sorry.

    I’ve decided that I hate Thanksgiving. And no one should be allowed to be sick on a day that has so much suck potential as it is.

    EVERYONE! – feel better soon.

  77. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:49 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Thanksgiving is kind of a crap holiday anyway. I’m so sick right now that I can hardly talk from coughing so hard. I guess that’s not so bad because I don’t actually HAVE to talk.

    I’m sorry your holiday sucked too.


  78. On November 30th, 2009 at 9:10 pm Lippy Says:

    My favorite is a tough one, I think the one when your dog got out and you had to chase him while pregnant.

    I love Thanksgiving, or I like to call it Thanksgravy. I love gravy, so so much. But the day sucked because I got a wicked ass migraine, and only ate enough to take some pain meds. Then I laid in bed crying. Luckily Bud had to clean the whole kitchen himself. I never get cheescake because no one really likes it. Which WTF?? have they tasted it?

  79. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:48 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Well shit. I have an entire cheesecake leftover because the recipe had so much extra and my family is so small that no one could eat a whole fucking cheesecake.

    Come on over, baby!

  80. On November 30th, 2009 at 10:11 pm Leslie Says:

    Seriously. Check this out.

  81. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:45 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  82. On December 3rd, 2009 at 9:52 pm Leslie Says:

    I’m pretty tempted to make it but I’d not be able to hang it in my house. Shall I send it to you instead?

  83. On November 30th, 2009 at 10:14 pm Stone Fox Says:

    i am thankful for indoor plumbing. and not like, wow it’s truly awesome that i don’t have to take a shit outside; more like, i’m thankful that i don’t have to sit in a freezing fucking cold rain barrel and scrub myself with lye soap made from the fat of our horse that died last year whose name was Starlight, and a long handled scrubber that looks like it’s supposed to remove diesel from the inside of a tanker.

    favorite post? probably ben’s birthday post.

  84. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:44 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Aw. You’re a sap down under it all. And I love it.

    I’m thankful that Thanksgiving doesn’t require me to try and make a turkey on my own.

  85. On November 30th, 2009 at 10:58 pm Andrea Says:

    Holy cock balls! That was hilarious! I think our kids were separated at birth. I too had a cracked out monkey at the dinner table. And if it wouldn’t have caused a scene, I would have duct taped her to the chair. Promise. Maybe not for the whole night but at least long enough for me to finish a drink or two (or five).

  86. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:43 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    What IS it with cracked out kids at the holidays? I didn’t feed him crack or anything (much).

  87. On November 30th, 2009 at 11:12 pm Venti Vixen Says:

    I’m pretty sure I could send my kid to live with your brood and you would not even bat an eye. Are you accepting?

  88. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    At this point, why not?

  89. On November 30th, 2009 at 11:40 pm Krissa Says:

    Are you kidding me? I can’t even remember the favorite ones I wrote! Whatev.
    Now I have to know how many people google you with the search term “Donkey porn” and “Thank God Thanksgiving is fucking over!”

  90. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Seriously. Thank God for donkey porn and thank God Thanksgiving is fucking over.

    (I’ll let you know)

  91. On December 1st, 2009 at 12:00 am Chris Says:

    If it makes you feel any better, we had teh STOMACH FLU at our house this Thanksgiving. Yay, puking small people EVERYWHERE, then to top it all off, I get it too! isn’t there some rule that moms aren’t allowed to get sick? If not, there should be.

    I was also happy when school ensued. It was that or strangle the three of them and bury them in my frozen backyard. (kidding. kind of).

    Also, it is COMPLETELY unfair that dear hubby and father of said puking three didn’t.even.get.sick.

  92. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. Now that is TOTALLY unfair. I’m sorry.

  93. On December 1st, 2009 at 12:01 am Lola Says:

    Well, I did all the work, while I was incredibly sick, never took a shower and only got out of my PJ’s after the guests arrived. In other words, it was the best fucking turkey day ever!

    Favorite post? I don’t know. Have you written one about me yet, because that would certainly be my favorite…

  94. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The one I’d write about you would be so full of The Awesome that it would break The Whole Internet, Lola.

  95. On December 1st, 2009 at 2:26 am Deanna Says:

    I haven’t been reading long, but so far the eulogy for Joey the Hamster has been my favorite. I giggle helplessly whenever I read it, because I have bookmarked it for just such a purpose. Cheaper than Prozac, faster than trying to get my solemn little baby to laugh.

  96. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    He’s been dead 2 and a half years and I still sort of miss his beady mean eyes. He was a character, you know? An arch nemesis.

  97. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:32 pm Deanna Says:

    We all need a Moriarty. Or in your case, a Joeyarty.

  98. On December 1st, 2009 at 7:00 am Cat Says:

    The hamster post was awesome. And the one from 10/27 about jobs you couldn’t do. They’re all pretty damn funny.

    I’m thankful that I told my family to screw off and spent Thanksgiving at home with my boy hanging out.

  99. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Sometimes saying no is the best thing for you. I’ve learned that.

  100. On December 1st, 2009 at 7:27 am Jennifer June Says:

    Thanksgiving in Canada is in October but my parents are American so I spent Thanksgiving on the phone with my mom talk about how depressing thanksgiving is without family there to share it with..guilt guilt guilt…
    I’m being a jerk. I would have loved to have been there but I don’t have a car and according to google maps it would take 4 days and 7 hours to walk there.

    Donkey porn is my fave but you already know that.

  101. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:37 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s because donkey porn is on like Donkey Kong. And holidays without guilt are hardly worth celebrating.

  102. On December 1st, 2009 at 7:31 am Mama Cas Says:

    Uh, well, THIS ONE would be my favorite. Why? you ask.

    Actually, this would be my favorite one because it proves to me that someone in this universe had a holiday that was just as shitty as mine. Yay! I was not alone in my misery! We had the flu, strep throat, watery eyes, oozing noses, hacking coughs. The only thing missing was projectile diarrhea.

    And the only thing better than lasagna and cheesecake is lasagna, cheesecake, and a pile of strawberries to eat with the cheesecake. I love that you didn’t have turkey. I’m jealous.

  103. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:37 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The dog vomited up the poo he’d eaten all over the carpet. Then I died inside a little. Would you like my dog?

  104. On December 1st, 2009 at 8:10 am Badass Geek Says:


  105. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You’re welcome for that visual.

  106. On December 1st, 2009 at 8:18 am Jill Says:

    Just happened upon your blog – I have a Daver & Ben too (how odd) and guess what? I LOVE VODKA!! I think this means we are destined to be long long virtual friends. I will happily read your posts for the rest of my life.

  107. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We need BFF necklaces! We are SO virtual long lost friends or sisters. That rules.

  108. On December 1st, 2009 at 9:11 am Tiffany Says:

    Damn Becky I cannot pick, because when I read your site I swear I have written most of the shit here. For example what you are thankful is my list to a T. I have a fondness for Vicodin and wish someone would put some in my stocking for Christmas. For Halloween my friend dressed as a donkey…me a Mexican. I have another sinus infection, one that most likely never left from October. And lastly, that Thanksgiving is over makes me especially pee your pants happy.

  109. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:35 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Sinus infections are Of The Devil.

  110. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:34 am April Says:

    our thanksgiving was filled with snot and tantrums too. mostly mine.

  111. On December 1st, 2009 at 10:52 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Tantrums are an integral part of every holiday celebration.

  112. On December 1st, 2009 at 11:08 am 3xE Says:

    I know this is TMI, but any time my husband says “Shut your whore mouth,” it’s a major turn-on.
    Playing Dominoes wuth his family, his step-mom once called me a whore when I won. It was awesome, because she’s the “We don’t discuss bodily functions at the dinner table, take your shoes off on the carpet, no elbows on the furniture” woman.
    My favorite posts have to be about your love of everything pink and sparkly because your excitement comes screaming at me through the monitor when you discuss it. My other favorites are the ones about your pregnancy with Mimi, because no one told me how miserable pregnancy would be. God bless you for your honesty.

  113. On December 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm amy d Says:

    Puddin’ in the ears? canker sores? Boogery???
    That’s it…I’m coming to rescue you! Good lord, it’s bad enough around our house when our 1 child gets sick…how are you sane with all 3 kids…PLUS THE DAVER SICK????

    My T’giving was one of weirdest on record. We went to my Aunt’s house who I haven’t seen in probably 10 years only to learn that her ex husband she divorced 18 years ago lives there with her. Sleeps on the couch.
    Yeah, you got me, both these people work, so not sure about that dinamic, but it made for some exciting dinner convo. Holidays bring out the crazy, no?

    One of my FAVORITE posts you ever wrote, was when The Daver helped you collect a stool sample for your doctor in order to prove his undying love to you. I even made my husband read it because it was so freaking funny!

    Man, I hope you all are feeling better soon:(

  114. On December 1st, 2009 at 2:39 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Apparently, the Swine Flu may wreck your immunity for awhile after you have it, so YAY! AMAZING!

  115. On December 1st, 2009 at 5:58 pm mumma boo Says:

    Ear pudding is so much worse than toe jam. Hope all of you are feeling better.

    Favorite post: Butt Sex. I am still so tempted to put that in the memo line every time I write a check.

  116. On December 1st, 2009 at 9:27 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I couldn’t have planned that any better if I’d tried. Bwahahahaha!

  117. On December 1st, 2009 at 6:38 pm Martha at A Sense of Humor is Essential Says:

    No, donkey porn isn’t on my list to be thankful for, the fact I live 150 miles away from my independent parents, Hell to the Yeah!!
    I am glad you all are recovering, sounds like Germ Warfare on the Vodkas.

  118. On December 1st, 2009 at 9:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    As everyone else in my family is on the mend, I seem to be struck down, which is a shame because no one is sympathetic. Oh well. THE JUDGE RULED ON MY SIDE. TAKE THAT, SWINE FLU.

  119. On December 1st, 2009 at 6:39 pm Martha at A Sense of Humor is Essential Says:

    My favorite post?, why the Blue Eyeshadow/football tshirt photo post, Of Course!!

  120. On December 2nd, 2009 at 6:47 am Mom Wald Says:

    I’m going to jump into the future and vote for “Victory tastes like Bacon”. I am sharing that with everyone today.

    Growing up we were dedicated fans of People’s Court. YOU have a signed photograph!

    Aunt Becky you have achieved stardom. As my young friend would say, “You’re the Bomb”.

  121. On December 2nd, 2009 at 8:06 am JennyMac Says:

    I cracked up and didnt think I could laugh louder than when I read this: His response was to throw himself onto the floor and kick and scream, which is sort of how I feel about pudding, but you know, he’s a kid. Kids like pudding.

    Until I read this: Internet: you shut your whore mouth.

    You have made me laugh so hard and it is only 9 am. SO glad I came by early today. I am trying to catch up on your sassy posts.

  122. On December 2nd, 2009 at 8:44 am Lisa Says:

    The posts about tv husbands were hilarious (I mean even more hilarious than you usually are).

    I’m so excited for you!

  123. On December 2nd, 2009 at 11:32 am Dot Says:

    My favorite post of yours was, I think, not on your blog. It was the one about your not being an alcoholic. I’m so sorry you’re all sick at once. That’s got to be nightmare to deal with.

  124. On December 3rd, 2009 at 11:52 am Kendra Says:

    I would never suggest that boys cannot be drama queens. My 6-year-old got my emotional control, so he bursts into tears at statements like “only 5 more minutes of, then homework.” Angry, disappointed, deeply hurt tears.

    Our Thanksgiving was lovely, all things considered. As a peace gesture to my family, my husband invited them all over here for the holiday (it was also my birthday). And none of his family could make it. So my kids and the nieces tore around here trying to burn themselves on the always-open oven, plus they ate nothing but cheese and olives all day. My mom brought three bottles of wine, which were much enjoyed. And my husband cooked everything.

    It would be nice if all the “I’m sure you’re saying something between the lines, but I don’t know what” out of the holiday, but that’s why my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving.

    The Thai food entry was pretty darn good. But they’re all good! I do have to say, though, that my favorite thing about your writing isn’t the snark exactly; it’s the way you mix that in with genuine heartfelt things. So any entry where you’re both funny and emotional rings a bell with me.

  125. On December 4th, 2009 at 11:03 pm Sunny Says:

    Eewwww. That sounds really awful! I wonder how Christmas will top that.

    Fortunately, my son never gets sick, and my husband’s idea of being sick is so pathetic that I can completely ignore his whining without any guilt whatsoever. (Love you honey!)

    And with that, the swine flu will descend on our house.

    Eff me.

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