Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

We’ll Pretend This Whole Nip/Tuck Thing Was A Bad Dream…


It might shock you, Pranksters, that Your Aunt Becky is a weeeee bit compulsive.

Okay, stop nodding so hard – it’s giving me a headache.

So I’m compulsive. One look at my orchid farm will tell you that much.

I mean, I’m so compulsive that days like yesterday, even though I had a perfectly valid reason (I was sick and had to go to the doctor ALSO Alex was sick – ear infection this time – and had to go to the doctor) not to post here, because it would’ve turned out like, “GAHHHH! WHY DO I FEEEEEL SO SICK! IT’S MARK ANTHONY’S FAULT!” I still felt off. All day.

Had I had three remaining brain cells, I’d have grimly come up with SOMETHING. Because OMGWTFBBQ it’s my BLAWG and peoples READ MAH BLAWG.


But Glee, sadly, was on hiatus for some American Idol crap or something. And I was recovering from surgery which meant I wasn’t supposed to be sitting up. I had a LOT of hours to fill. Vertically.


Netflix and I had a love affair, see, and I TRUSTED Netflix not to do me wrong.

Happily, I noted that I had six (SIX!) entire seasons of the show to watch. I’d have done a happy dance if I’d be able, but I settled on a lone *fistbump* and queued up the first episode.

Okay, I said, so there’s this really nice doctor guy and he’s got this perfect wife and two kids – the boy looked like Michael Jackson – and then there’s this cocky playboy doctor and puts his peen in lots of things. Instantly, I was horrified. Crazy-balls Anne Hesche was in it. Until I learned that it wasn’t actually Crazy-Balls Anne Hesche and felt bad for hating the pretty blonde NON-ANNE-HESCHE lady.

But whatever. The kid looked like Michael Jackson and the two doctors were semi-likeable.

By episode two, I found myself bored.

By episode three, I’d begun to hate each and every character – including the hamster.

Any normal person would have then stopped the show, shrugged, and written it off as a crap-ass show. But not Your Aunt Becky.

No, I grimly sat through each show, all of the ridiculous scenarios, and hoped for a better episode. The next one HAD to be better, right?

Turns out, not so much.

My favorite moment of the entire show was when someone got hit by a bus. It was great.

The rest of it? I hated each and every character. Equally. At no point did I say, “wow, that was great. I really connected with that character.”

(to be fair, I’ve never said something so hokey in my life, unless I was stoned and/or drunk)

So this week, when The Guy On The Couch, The Daver and I ran out of Pawn Stars episodes on Netflix, we searched desperately to find something to fill the void. Anything.

“I’ve heard good things about Parking Wars,” Daver suggested.

“Me too,” The Guy on the Couch chimed in.

“Uh, I’ve never heard of it, but okay,” I agreed.

We settled down to watch the first episode.

Instantly, I hated everyone on the screen – these are the fuckheads who give me tickets and they’re talking about how they think they’re doing some great job for the world? HOW IS CHARGING ME TWENTY BUCKS ALTRUISTIC?

By the time some lady began weeping over her car, calling it “her BABY,” I had to turn it off. I mean, who can feel a connection with the douchebags that give me parking tickets for being ONE MINUTE PAST MY METER TIME? Like, aw, thanks Buddy, for making MY world a WORSE place to be. Way to RID the world of those of us who FORGET TO PAY OUR METERS. YOU’RE TOTALLY SUPER-FUCKING-MAN, BUDDY!

It’s like trying to be sympathetic to the chick who has brought in 8 different guys for five different Maury shows. WHO HAS SEX WITH THAT MANY PEOPLE IN A MONTH?

Only thing worse than Parking Wars would be watching people at the DMV…

Wait, so long as the DMV people were antagonists, I might be okay.


I am pleased to report to you, Pranksters, that I DID, in fact, learn my lesson. Rather than muddle through the entire catalog of Parking Wars, I deleted it from my “you might like this” queue.


Hoarders, however, well, let’s just say I miss seeing people poo into bags AND SAVE IT.

(okay, that’s a lie)

P.P.S. I’m probably delirious.

25 Comments to

“We’ll Pretend This Whole Nip/Tuck Thing Was A Bad Dream…”

  1. On February 24th, 2012 at 12:00 pm thepsychobabble Says:


  2. On February 24th, 2012 at 12:19 pm Leslie Says:

    Hi AB! Two words…..Storage Wars. I’m totally hooked!

  3. On February 24th, 2012 at 12:23 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    I liked the first few seasons of nip/tuck, but had to stop watching cuz it was just too much. I like the hot doctor who used to be on charmed. There’s that.

  4. On February 24th, 2012 at 12:53 pm The Mommy Says:

    I never watch TV. And that’s not a self-righteous phrase coming from me. It’s that no one in this house is, er, stupid enough to hand me the remote.

    Also? About the Maury guest? *I know* *I know* My husband’s ex-wife? Sorry. It was the first thing that came to mind…

  5. On February 24th, 2012 at 12:59 pm red Says:

    Oh yes, comletion issues. I’m familiar. I struggle with not owning that ONE Christopher Moore book that I’ve read and not liked, because I want *the whole set*.

    Also, my orchid-grower (which impresses me beyond belief because of my black thumb – not green, I mean) ever hear of the Orchid Olympics? I never did, until I read this:

  6. On February 24th, 2012 at 1:05 pm Lori (aka Bubbe) Says:

    So Red, which Christopher Moore book didn’t you like? I haven’t read them all by any means, but so far I’ve loved all that I’ve read.

  7. On February 24th, 2012 at 1:18 pm Amanda Says:

    You should try Lizard Lick Towing. Its slightly ridiculous. Which is sort of cool

  8. On February 24th, 2012 at 1:32 pm alaina Says:

    Nip Tuck was good until some ridiculous move they did to LA. I’ve never heard of Parking Wars, but your description totally reminded me of the My Strange Addiction with the guy who fucks his car. That might be the show to get into next…

  9. On February 24th, 2012 at 1:45 pm Jenn Says:

    I second the Storage Wars. … but do not get sucked into watching the 85 dozen other storage unit shows out there… The rest suck…

    But Storage Wars is awesome! Why is other people’s crap so interesting?!

  10. On February 24th, 2012 at 2:06 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:

    Netflix pulls that shit with you too? It keeps INSISTING that I want to watch Supernatural, so I tried one episode…. and had my quilt over my head the whole time. Then drove my husband nuts by jumping at every sound for the rest of the night.

    You don’t KNOW me, Netflix. (Give me more “Merlin’ and I’ll forgive you.)

  11. On February 24th, 2012 at 2:54 pm Liz Says:

    I too, at Netflix’s suggestion watched Nip/Tuck. I gamely struggled on, at first almost liking most of the characters. By the 5th episode (yes, I made it that far) I loathed them all. ALL! So I quit watching because I realized this was a trainwreck I actually wanted to look away from. I skimmed the episode descriptions, saw where it was headed, and said, “meh.”

    I am currently hooked on How I met Your Mother. My husband has us watching Brittish Crime Drama. I’m not a huge crime drama person, but the accents and strange vocabulary has me hooked.

  12. On February 24th, 2012 at 8:49 pm Janey Says:

    We have HIMYMother on reruns in the afternoons. Love it! One of the rare shows I do watch.

  13. On February 24th, 2012 at 3:47 pm Pete In Az Says:

    There is a show about people who write parking tickets??

    Alrighty then…

  14. On February 24th, 2012 at 8:46 pm Janey Says:

    Yes and I have caught bits of it as my husband watches it from time to time. I think writing parking tickets and putting boots on cars and being bitched at people ALL DAY must be one of the WORST jobs out there. But they act all heroic! Bah!

    Hubby also likes Judge Judy. Biggest Bitch out there.

    We have two tv’s.

  15. On February 24th, 2012 at 4:03 pm Joules Says:

    I watched so.many.seasons. I have loyalty issues and have a hard time dumping a show. I white knuckled it through some atrocious shit, but when they turned the moral center lesbian lady straight for Christian, I was out. I’m lucky to have made it out alive and with no STD’s.

    Somebody mentioned Supernatural. You should watch that. Scary and funny + Dean Winchester = happy in the pants.

  16. On February 24th, 2012 at 4:50 pm DiatribesAndOvations Says:

    Nip/Tuck went downhill fast after season two. Anne “Crazy” Heche DID have a recurring rol in 2005.

    We fired Netflix from our house once we’d caught up on “Bones”.

  17. On February 24th, 2012 at 6:01 pm Gwen Says:

    Yeah, never even tried Nip/Tuck. Meh. Currently my Netflix obsession is Mad Men.

  18. On February 24th, 2012 at 6:14 pm Melissa Says:

    GAH, when I was on bedrest I watched Maury too. You think 8 is bad? There was one chick who was on for the 16th time for the same baby.

  19. On February 25th, 2012 at 12:07 am Kristin Says:

    Delusional can be a good thing. Thank you for suffering through Nip/Tuck so I don’t have to.

  20. On February 25th, 2012 at 2:19 am nellie vaughn Says:

    The way you feel about Glee is the way I felt about Nip/Tuck. It was a sick and twisted show, with a character I could relate to-the plastic surgeon who is a narcissistic whore. Minus the whore bit. I will stare at any and all reflective surfaces. I miss it. The last season was just awful, though.

  21. On February 25th, 2012 at 8:37 am B Says:

    Two Words: Prison Break

  22. On February 25th, 2012 at 10:34 am Grace Says:

    You DON’T hate everyone on Pawn Stars? I hate all those cocky and/or stupid bastards on that show. One of these days, I want to go to Vegas just so I can go bash Rick in the head with a baseball bat.

    I’ve been ignoring the TV Show suggestions Netflix thinks I would like. There’s rarely anything on there I would even consider. The shows I’ve been watching on there (my own choice, not their suggestion) are King of Queens and The Dick Van Dyke Show. I love to laugh.

  23. On February 25th, 2012 at 3:04 pm katrina Says:

    Being delusional is a good thing…..especially when watching tv. Feel better soon!

  24. On February 26th, 2012 at 12:33 am HumorSmith Says:

    I love it when you go off your meds Aunt Becky!!!

  25. On February 27th, 2012 at 10:56 am tattytiara Says:

    I see people blog about things like entire series about parking enforcement, and I think “seriously? They made a whole show about that?”, and then I remember the last time I had a hotel room, and the hours I spent watching a show that was literally just about women trying on dresses. That’s where I shut the hell up.

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