Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Welcome To The Frat House


One might think that after telling The Internet that my son Alex had fallen in love with a cupcake shirt and wore a butterfly costume for Halloween this year, that he might be a little, well, girly.

Not so, Pranksters.

Alex’s second word was “penis.” Alex is also a frat boy.

I’ve mentioned that my son is being potty-trained, which means he’s been sitting around in his Cars-Themed Tighty Whities most of the day, here in the Sausage Factory, while I frantically insist he go to the bathroom every 4.8 seconds so as to not further ruin the horrifying once-white (WHITE!!) carpeting in my house. Potty-training! Ain’t it grand!

While I was upstairs, putting my daughter to bed last week, Ben (who is, for those not keeping score at home, nine) and Alex, aged three, decided that it would be best if they BOTH stripped down to their underwear to hang out.

My sons popped out from behind the couch to show me that they were both in their undies and because I am so used to seeing the house torn from it’s hinges after my brief “I’m putting the baby to bed” absence, I was a bit relieved. No one had knocked the ceiling fan off…yet.

“Okay,” I said to them, laughing. “But DON’T PEE ON ANYTHING.”

Still chuckling, I returned to my computer to scour the internet for some singing cat songs or dancing cacti videos. Those wily cactus videos get me going EVERY time!

Not two minutes later, my eldest tore through the living room, chasing my youngest son, both laughing so hard they was crying. I tore myself away from the cactus and looked up.

I saw a pair of naked butt cheeks as they disappeared around the bend.

What the hell?

And then again, the laughter and my youngest son, holding something up over his head as my eldest chased him, both giggling so hard they could barely stand it.

This time, as they came into my line of sight, I looked more closely. What the hell was going on?

I saw it: Alex was holding a pair of underwear over his head as Ben chased him.

They were…they were BEN’S underwear.

Oh sweet Lord.

The next time they rounded the bend, still chortling, I stopped Ben and asked him what was going on.

“Alex took my underwear off and now he,” *giggle, giggle* “now he” *giggle giggle* “now he won’t give it back!”

Alex was rolling on the floor, clutching his gut, laughing so hard that he was crying.

And then I said the words I’d never expected to say: “Alex, give your brother back his underwear. And you two, KEEP YOUR UNDERWEAR ON. PENISES BELONG IN THE BEDROOM OR THE BATHROOM. THEY ARE PRIVATE.”

And then, I died.

The Frat House

64 Comments to

“Welcome To The Frat House”

  1. On January 6th, 2011 at 11:56 am Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    Thanks be to jeebus, yet another reason I love having girls. I’ll say that until they’re 12.

  2. On January 6th, 2011 at 11:58 am Lauren Elyse Says:

    Your kids are awesome. That is all.

  3. On January 6th, 2011 at 11:59 am amysezsmile Says:

    Oh, aunt becky, I feel your pain.
    My potty trained 4 year loves to go around naked and I also have uttered the words, Penises belong in the bedroom or the bathroom now go put some undies on, many many times myself. Many times. Have I mentioned that I have said that many times. He, like most guys, have a hard time with that concept. LOL.
    I am potty training my 2 year old daughter and am amazed at how often I have to say, No, things don’g go there! put your undies back on!
    I will have to go through all of this again in about 2 years when I will have to potty train another boy. The joys, the joys=)

    Anyway, at least they were playing nicely and not trying to beat each other up…lol.

  4. On January 6th, 2011 at 11:59 am Nancy P Says:

    Awesome! Also, wtf are you doing with WHITE carpet with 3 kids. W.T.F.?

  5. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:00 pm Adriane Says:

    You…said…PENIS! ahahahahahaha!
    I am not sure you will survive either…but hey, at least they waited til little sister was out of sight. Gotta give em props for that!

  6. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:05 pm PBBDesigns Says:

    Again… So glad I had girls… Except now they’re 13 and 15 and the older one is getting interested in ::gasp:: boys. (pass the vodka, m’kay?)

  7. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:05 pm PBBDesigns Says:

    Again… So glad I had girls… Except now they’re 13 and 15 and the older one is getting interested in ::gasp:: boys. (pass the vodka, m’kay?)

  8. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:05 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    I love that his second word was penis. LOVE.

  9. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:05 pm The Mommy Says:

    My kids are always naked. And it’s not because I WANT them to be (CYS, leave me alone, please) but for some inexplicable reason they’re always too hot. On a positive note, answering the door with children in various stages of undress behind you is an EXCELLENT way to keep the Jehovah’s Witness gentlemen from coming back…

    And my Little One (19months old) is forever requesting my bra to play with (She can see it in the whirlpool tub. What? You don’t store yours in YOUR tub?!?!).

  10. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:06 pm Jennifer Simson Says:

    We are in the throes of potty training as well with our son. I can not begin to tell you his delight when he discovered that little boys’ underwear has a hole in the front. I mostly sit back and enjoy listening to my husband tell him to get his hand out of the hole of his underpants and to also let go of his penis.

  11. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:12 pm Kristin Says:

    OMG I don’t think I have laughed this hard in a LONG time. I now have 2 boys after adopting my sons younger brother it’s complicated but we have the two girl 2 boy thing going it’s a scary combo in this house. But nothing like that yet. I needed that laugh. Your boys are HILARIOUS. Oh someday I will tell you of the story of my daughter telling about my son toughing her in a her no no spot and it turned out to be her knee funny stuff. Ok maybe not we’ll see babbling. Cause I am laughing to hard. Good luck in the teen years.

  12. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:12 pm CycleNinja Says:

    Just to clarify–pants are bullshit, underpants are not, is that correct?

  13. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    In this context…yes.

  14. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:18 pm Kizz Says:

    Would you mind coming to Brooklyn to explain all this to the dude who lives in the bus stop? At 6:30 yesterday morning he veered to the center of the sidewalk, directly in my path as I walked the dog, and whipped his beef stick out for a pee. While singing. Along with his boombox.


    He might listen to you.

  15. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I am SO there. I can totally take this naked guy on. I have TONS of experience with naked men.

    That sounded wrong.

  16. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:19 pm The Sweetest Says:

    Oh, the fun of potty training. I swear my son wet his pants very 10 minutes the first two days. And then, all of a sudden, it clicked. Now, if we can just get rid of the night time pullups.

  17. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:28 pm Neeroc Says:

    LOL. Girls? No better. V loves the nekkid dash to the front window to sit on the couch and flash the neighbours. I’m sure she’ll stop before she’s 12.

  18. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:33 pm Piper Says:

    My 8 1/2 year-old is always running around the house naked. He cannot be persuaded to dress. I’m OK with it, because I’d rather he be comfortable with his body than ashamed of it. Or rather, I should say I’m uncomfortable with it until he decides he wants to do somersaults in the living room, say. And then I tell him, “Son, that’s not a good look on anybody. If you’re going to do somersaults, please cover the junk.”

  19. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:40 pm statia Says:

    Mine likes to tell me “I’m going to stick my junk in your face.”

  20. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:44 pm a Says:

    Pretty sure I live in a frat house too, but I only have one girl. And she’s 4. She was admiring her naked self in the mirror this morning, while laughing and singing “shake your booty.”. She has been known to wear her own underwear on her head. And I finally had to make a rule that we only talk about butts and poop in the bathroom when we’re using the potty. Because I got sick of having every other word be butt or poop.

    Also, she likes to talk about her “peen” because she has not quite asked for the proper name for the girl parts, but has seen and talked about boy parts (peanuts, dontcha know) in the bathroom at daycare.

  21. On January 6th, 2011 at 12:53 pm Twitch Says:

    I wanted a boy so bad… I’m pretty certain that I would probably not handle the little boy antics with nearly as much demure and poise and you. LOL

  22. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:01 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    My boys are 7 & 8 and still run around the house naked most mornings. I’ve convinced them that grandparents have issues with naked boys & they need to wear clothes when they are around but the rest of the time… not so much. Now I am working on ‘you don’t touch your penis in public. not even with your clothes on. go to your room or the bathroom if you want to touch your penis.’

  23. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:08 pm Anna Says:

    What is it with boys and yanking off underpants? My almost-4 year old does it and runs around saying “BOOTY!”

  24. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:12 pm Ali @thecoffeeqween Says:

    Omg is that what I have to look forward to?! Gasp! I have a 1 year old and 4 year old. I love the penises belong in bedroom or bathroom they are private! I’m so stealing that.

  25. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:14 pm Ali @thecoffeeqween Says:

    Oh sweet Jesus is that what I have to look forward to?! Btw I’m stealing the whole penises in the bedroom line:)

  26. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:14 pm Ali @thecoffeeqween Says:

    Oh sweet Jesus is that what I have to look forward to?! Btw I’m stealing the whole penises in the bedroom line:)

  27. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:26 pm pattypunker Says:

    oh yeah like they didn’t see this from you and the daver. ; )

  28. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:30 pm subWOW Says:

    Wait until they do the “penis flap” like in the beginning of “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” then we will talk.


  29. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:47 pm Bianca Says:

    I have two frat boys, aged 3 and 5. I can SO relate to this. Awesome post, made me laugh out loud!

  30. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:47 pm Mel Says:

    This is the most hilarious thing I have read today.


    And, also, this may have happened a few times with The Monkeys. Maybe.

  31. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:49 pm LittleMissGonnabe Says:

    I’ve been potty training Bean for an entire year now and I think we’re finally getting somewhere. I was derailed for a bit by one of the grandma’s who thought it would be cute/funny to teach that boys stand up to pee.
    Let me tell you… It’s cute the first time, then they fire hose all over the house and the fun stops.

  32. On January 6th, 2011 at 1:55 pm Josefina Says:

    Yeah, I’ve got boys too, and everything is waaaaay more awesome if weiners make an appearance.

  33. On January 6th, 2011 at 2:42 pm txjennk Says:

    If it’ll make you feel better, my brother and his wife between them have four boys and two girls and they’re expecting another boy in May. 5 boys….between the ages of birth and 17. Now that’s a frat house. What scared my brother the most was having two girls hit their teenage years at the same time.

  34. On January 6th, 2011 at 2:52 pm Crystal Says:

    Boys do the weirdest stuff! Mine went through a smell my butt phase…ugh!

  35. On January 6th, 2011 at 2:52 pm Tershbango Says:

    I agree. Penises DO belong in the bedroom or the bathroom. Could you direct that order to the adult male population as well?

  36. On January 6th, 2011 at 3:12 pm Alissa Says:

    I am surrounded by boys! I have 3 boys, I am married, and one of my husband’s friends lives with us. I have no sisters and my mother passed away 8 years ago. My point…I can relate 100%. Everyday feels like a Frat Party at my house. Pulling down someone’s pants and torturing each other is how they say I love you.

  37. On January 6th, 2011 at 3:19 pm Kori Says:

    I have THREE boys and can’t top this one. Makes me feel like a failure as a parent, with very few penis incidences to hold over their heads later in life. Well, there was the one time right after I got done talking to Sam about how we don’t talk about certain things in public, and I took him to the bank and he was sitting in the counter or so jauntily swinging his feet and said.”I have a penis and my dad is in jail!” *sniff* a prouder moment I have not had. 🙂

  38. On January 6th, 2011 at 3:30 pm Chocolate Diapers Says:

    My son is two, and we’ve started potty training. The problem is that he likes to stick his fingers in his ass when we change him. This is bad after he’s taken a shit.

  39. On January 6th, 2011 at 4:27 pm JenniferB Says:

    Bwahahahah. That’s all I got.

  40. On January 6th, 2011 at 4:27 pm JenniferB Says:

    Bwahahahah. That’s all I got.

  41. On January 6th, 2011 at 4:28 pm Kelly Says:

    We had Christmas with our big girls and grand kids on Sunday night. A boy is still such a novelty in this hen house, the girls out number the men 9 to 2, and that’s counting my husband and the timy little boy.

    My oldest step-daughter had to change the small boys diaper, and Mea and my youngest granddaughter stopped everything to gawk at what was in his pants. I’m pretty sure they are still confused.

  42. On January 6th, 2011 at 4:40 pm Opto-Mom Says:

    Why do I have the image of your kiddos sliding through the living room in their drawers singing, “Just take those old records off the shelf….” at the tops of their little lungs?

  43. On January 6th, 2011 at 5:25 pm Halala Mama Says:

    If my boy had a brother I am CONVINCED this would be my every single morning.

  44. On January 6th, 2011 at 5:30 pm Melissa Says:

    GAH!! I hate when I post a long reply and my Internet gets to it. Let me make it brief (or lack thereof). 7 boys, cousins, family gathering. Naked Conga line to put on a show for the adults. Video WAS taken for when they are in their teens.

    Though, I would hate to fucking explain THAT video if the cops ever went through my video collection, and am kinda glad I am not the owner of that video lol.

  45. On January 6th, 2011 at 6:00 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    I’m pretty sure my 9-year-old daughter is a frat boy. How do I know? Because of how she loves to sneak up, punch me in the junk, then run away laughing.

  46. On January 6th, 2011 at 6:11 pm Karen (SubMommy) Says:

    I always tell people that my Boy Child is a male, yes, but he’s also A Guy. Complete with penis waving at the dinner table, and hanging a BA to his sister when she’s nagging him. He’s FOUR.

  47. On January 6th, 2011 at 6:37 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    See now, I make any kind of penis joke here and suddenly I’m Uncle Bad Touch. I can’t win.

  48. On January 6th, 2011 at 8:59 pm Lenetté aka The Shitzizle Says:

    ah, yes, carpeting and potty-training… i remember those days. we ripped up the carpet to find, to our great delight, hardwood floors underneath. 😀

    i’ve heard that laminate flooring is pretty easy to install. 🙂

    what a riot… i don’t know how you even held it together long enough to lecture them on where penises belong. LOL!

  49. On January 6th, 2011 at 11:49 pm Kristin Says:

    OMG Aunt Becky…where did you hide the cameras in my house? I think your kids are totally reenacting things my kids do.

  50. On January 7th, 2011 at 10:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Isn’t it CREEPY?

  51. On January 7th, 2011 at 8:35 am yoshi pike Says:

    We lived in Sydney Australia for a couple of years and my youngest boy was going through his potty training. We have tons of stories about this time but the best is at a Chinese restaurant. I took him to the bathroom and he was so proud that he went by himself, he ran back to the table shouting for everyone to hear.

    Mommy I peed on the wall!!!!!!

    The urinals were the type that went down to the floor. Needless to say, the waiter quickly went into the restroom to check which wall.

  52. On January 7th, 2011 at 10:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I haven’t stopped laughing since you posted this comment.

  53. On January 7th, 2011 at 10:38 am yoshi pike Says:

    Oh yes, from using cherry/grape tomatoes and Christmas tree balls as bouncy balls, the pee trails to the bathrooms, to teaching my oldest to know when he has to poop, raising boys is fun. We still ask him, as a teenager if he has pooped this week or last.

  54. On November 9th, 2012 at 11:50 am Kathleen Says:

    Makes two of us. (at least)

  55. On January 7th, 2011 at 9:06 am Meg Says:

    Parents say the darnest thing :p

  56. On January 7th, 2011 at 9:07 am Meg Says:

    darndest…crap, my spelling has hit the wall. TGIF

  57. On January 7th, 2011 at 10:58 am Two for tea? « My Life as I Know it! Says:

    […] was over reading about the FRAT HOUSE that is Mommy Wants Vodka’s house and her little men.  I was reminded of a time when my […]

  58. On January 7th, 2011 at 11:37 am Jenn Says:


  59. On January 7th, 2011 at 11:19 pm Karia Says:

    One time, of the probably 5 times I ever went out for a night out on the town (paid our only sitter, a teacher at his daycare, to spend the night, because my parents never did do overnight sitting gigs when they knew we’d be out getting busted up), I came home wanting to die. Not that I drank that much, but I was WAY out of practice. It was those “one shot is one too many…but as long as I’m doing one anyway…” kind of nights. I paid the sitter, played with my son (3 at the time, he’s almost 7 now) for as long as I could before the scratching sound my eyeballs made every time I blinked made me succumb to the notion of bribing him for a nap.

    I put on The Incredibles, laid down with him, he said he had to go potty. I was like “SCORE! This potty training thing is WORKING!” He went alone into his bathroom down the hall. I laid there, I laid there some more. I almost drifted off and thought “What the eff is he DOING in there?”

    Look, we’ll never know what exactly he was doing in there. All I know is my extremely hungover ass walked in and asked “Buddy, what are you doing?” and he announced “Mommy, LOOK at how BIG my PENIS is right now!”

    Yes, I’m not one to use baby words for body parts. No, I was not ready for that. I think I mumbled something along the lines of “Cool, just remember that’s only for YOU to know right now.”

    I like to think I’d have responded similarly without the wicked hangover.

  60. On January 8th, 2011 at 7:55 am Sandra Says:

    Ah yes, the famous “Keep your penis in your pants” discussions. I have those with my husband often.
    Great post! You had me smiling throughout…partly because I’m glad it’s you and not me. My kids have not graduated to actual discussions about their testicles. See. More fun time ahead. And you can blog about it! We should have more kids just for the added blog fodder!

  61. On January 8th, 2011 at 12:41 pm Krista Says:

    My 3 year old son loves to ROCK OUT with his COCK OUT.

  62. On January 8th, 2011 at 12:46 pm Krista Says:

    Oh, and another thing. Two kids, nekkie:

    girl: My brother doesn’t have a vagina.

    boy: I have a penis!

    me: That’s right, girls have vaginas, boys have penises.

    girl: Well I can share my vagina with my brother.

    me {sharp intake of breath}: Noooooooo… Noooooooo…Noooooooo… {trying not to over-react} your vagina is private.

    girl: But you always say it’s more fun to share!

  63. On January 8th, 2011 at 9:04 pm Alitalyn Says:

    This makes me so glad I didn’t have boys!

  64. On January 10th, 2011 at 3:39 pm Kristin Says:

    With my daughter it was most often, “get your finger out of your bum! We don’t put things in our bums!” Now that she’s 4 it’s, “Playing with your vagina is only for at home, it’s private.” I have to say I’m not too strict on the whole naked thing. So long as we don’t haves she’s allowed brief naked stints, my favourite being when she ran around maniacally singing a song with the lyrics, “I’m naked naked naked naked!”

    I’m waiting to see if she’s still lifting her dress over her head when summer rolls back around.

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