Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Wednsday Whine-For-All


So, I got tagged twice for this meme that I’ve done already, and although I could just rip out my old answers and be done with it, that would be extremely boring to us all. My answers are not exciting at all. Hell, I’m not exciting at all.

I’m gonna mix things up on y’all.

1. What wasn’t I doing 10 years ago?

10 years ago, I wasn’t giving the slightest thought to my future. I was 17, graduating high school, and enjoying a life of partying and living one toke over the line. I openly mocked all the goody-goodies who painfully mapped out the rest of their lives, because at 17, who the fcuk REALLY knows about the rest of their lives?

If you say that you’re doing exactly what you said you were going to do back then, at age 17, I will personally eat my own foot. (That’s a lie. No I won’t.)

2. Five things on my to do list for today. No. Too boring. Hmm…Five Things On My Shit List Today:

1) People who complain bitterly about, well, everything without seeing any good in anything. It’s almost always a matter of perspective.

2) People who insist on parking their lazy fat butts in their cars in front of the store entrance. You know, they make their own spots there? BECAUSE THEY’RE LAZY.

3) The merry family of paper wasps who inhabits my porch every summer, no matter how much insecticide I coat them with.

4) People who are always better than you with whatever you do. No, not people who ARE better, people who ARE SURE that they’re better than you. And never stop telling you how.

5) Going to the post office. I’m so incredibly terrified of Post Office People that I kind of want to barf.

3. Snacks (and food) I fucking hate:

Black Olives.
Hot Pockets
Orange Juice

4. Things I wouldn’t do if I was a billionaire.

Shit, I wouldn’t give a dime to charity. I’d save it all for myself, cash it into small coins, build a giant vault and go for an afternoon swim each day in my money. Kind of like Scrooge McDuck. Except you can call me “Hooty McBoob.”

5. Places I have lived Dull. Hm. People I Hate

Flava-Flav. Do I need to explain how he makes my skin crawl? HOW do people have The Sex with him?

Wendy The Snapple Lady. Okay, so I don’t hate her. But I do hate Snapple. Bitterly. And she used to represent Snapple. Therefore…

Whomever wrote “I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing.” I’d like to shove my fist up their ass.

Evan Rachael Wood. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA. But she ruined “Across The Universe” for me.

Mr (or Mrs) I Stand Too Close To You While I’m Checking Out At The Store. Because, really? Am I the reason the line is not advancing? Unless I am having a fit (it’s possible), no. So BACK OFF BITCH.


Your turn!

posted under I'm Big In Japan
35 Comments to

“Wednsday Whine-For-All”

  1. On June 11th, 2008 at 11:06 am tash Says:

    You got me at the scary post office. I’m not sure I was able to read through the rest through the tears.

  2. On June 11th, 2008 at 11:22 am Heather Says:

    Angry some? LMAO — this was great. Really. I had an altercation with a postal worker on Saturday as I tried to buy *only* eight stamps, and not the entire book. His head was spinning he was so enraged.

    I hate people who drive up on the bumper of my car that is already going at 70 mph on a back road.

    And I hate complete strangers who grab my fair-skinned baby’s fat, pink legs and wail on me for letting her burn; which she never has, btw, but she does get mighty pink when she’s hot and if said acosters would look at my face they’d see where she gets it!

    I may have to follow up on this on my blog later today.

    Becky, did you drink your hatorade today?

  3. On June 11th, 2008 at 11:36 am Judy C Says:

    1. What wasn’t I doing 10 years ago?

    Paying attention to the fact that Husband No. 4 was the laziest man in America and mean to boot.

    2. Five Things On My Shit List Today:

    1. The spasm in my neck that has been there since his lawyer called my lawyer to say the check wasn’t ready even though it was supposed to be.

    2. The canker sore the size of North America on my tongue on the side of my mouth that I have to chew on because the temporary crown on the other side that I had done before my dental insurance was gone leading to the call from his lawyer described in No. 1 keeps shattering.

    3. The fact that the canker sore in No. 2 seems to be causing swollen glands and a fever.

    4. The fact that the swollen glands and fever referred to No. 3 make it impossible to feel comfortable in this gawdawful heat and humidity.

    5. Menopause and every sucky thing associated with it making the godawful heat and humidity feel like the 7th level of Hell – trust me you will be BEGGING for PMS.

    3. Snacks (and food) I fucking hate:

    Everything except tea because of the FUCKING canker sore mentioned in Five Things On My Shit List Today.

    4. Things I wouldn’t do if I was a billionaire.

    Give anything to any nonprofit where I applied and was turned down for a job – oh who am I kidding – I would give to everybody.

    5. People I Hate

    Well people I dislike intensely – today pretty much everybody especially that not so young woman I saw driving with her foot hanging out the driver’s side window and who had a handicapped sticker – WTF.

    But I don’t hate Aunt Becky because I don’t want her to cry and I am grateful happy that she voted on which shoes I should buy to celebrate my divorce.

  4. On June 11th, 2008 at 11:56 am giggleblue Says:

    god, i hate those people who crowd you at the grocery store. stop fucking breathing up my asshole! it’s not going to make me use the credit card thingy any faster! so rude.

  5. On June 11th, 2008 at 12:03 pm deb Says:

    Um…Aunt Becky? Better now?

    I will admit that tag was WAY FUNNER than the one I tagged you with, but for the love of Ravioli woman.

    I’m glad you got that off your chest though – keeping all that in might have caused you to explode in a violent rage at some innocent bystander – like – Evan Rachel Wood (heeheehee).

  6. On June 11th, 2008 at 12:15 pm b Says:

    I HATE when people get to close to me while standing in the check out line at the grocery store! I usually ask them to get a pen out and i’ll give them my pin number to my debit card if they’ll just stop fucking breathing on me. Or what about the bitches that park their fucking baskets RIGHT IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF THE AISLE so that you can’t get around them..or their 20 illigetimate children? Grocery stores suck ass..I hate them. I also hate convenience stores, because the homeless people in my neighborhood touch the handles, and every item of food in there. Yes, I’m going to hell..yes i’m intolerant, and an asshole.

  7. On June 11th, 2008 at 12:16 pm Denise Says:

    There was one of those fuckers at Target yesterday, he’s blocking the main way into the store. I ran in for less than 10 minutes and guess who was still there when I left? He couldn’t find a damn spot and then pick up the wife?

    Great reading, as usual. I’m out of blogging juice at the moment, so I may borrow this for some inspiration.

  8. On June 11th, 2008 at 12:46 pm Vered Says:

    I’ll answer “things I wouldn’t do if I was a billionaire”:

    I like to think that I wouldn’t snub people or feel all better and superior than others b/c I had money. I am always amazed by how, the moment people sense they have power of any kind, they start snubbing people who have less.

  9. On June 11th, 2008 at 1:04 pm Lola Says:

    1. Ten years ago I wasn’t expected to go to a hundred funtions at elementary school just because it’s the end of the year and they have to squeeze it all in or attending five hundred kid birthday parties or all the annoying crap that comes along with your child growing up and having friends. I could enjoy my self-absorbed life doing whatever the hell I felt like. I also didn’t have to get up early unless it was a day I was working outside of the house.

    2. My shit list today consists of mostly what’s contained in No. 1. You could add overly competitive parents at little league games and my husband for not getting the lawn mowed.

    3. I hate Doritos, Cheetos and anything else that makes a colorful mess.

    4. Things I wouldn’t do if I was a billionaire – Court reporting. I hate that fucking job. I also wouldn’t stress about much of anything.

    5. I hate my son’s teacher. She’s a crabby old twat that needs to retire. I also hate bullies and one of the local weather men who smiles the dumbest smile all the time, no matter what he’s talking about. Hurricane where people have died, oh, smile on, dumbass; heat wave that’s got most of us wanting to kill each other, grinning from ear to ear.

    I not only hate people who stand close in line, oh, no. I hate anyone who stands close to me ever (except my son). I have serious space issues.

  10. On June 11th, 2008 at 1:16 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    I must hate food that is good for me.

    The truth is as much as I work out you would think I would be thin–

    But apparently I hate leafy green vegetables, lean proteins and whole grains.

    Instead I prefer fats fried in fat, with lots of butter.

    (Not a good day on the scale . . .)

  11. On June 11th, 2008 at 1:19 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Oh honey. Tell us how you REALLY feel.

  12. On June 11th, 2008 at 1:27 pm Kelly Says:

    In addition to the people who get to close to you, and the stalker parkers, I really can’t stand when you somewhere walking along, and the person that you are walking behind just stops. They don’t slow down, they don’t make a hand signal, they just plant their feet into the ground and stop, causing human traffic jams, and chaos. I’d like to hit them with my stroller, shopping cart, whatever.

  13. On June 11th, 2008 at 1:41 pm PiquantMolly Says:

    Black olives.


  14. On June 11th, 2008 at 1:49 pm Cassie Says:

    Great quiz, much more interesting this way 🙂 I also hate Flava Flav. I mean, really? REALLY? People actually COMPETE for his affection? WHY? It is a huge mystery to me.

  15. On June 11th, 2008 at 1:53 pm Amanda Says:

    Things that have annoyed me thus far:

    -Drivers that tailgate me when I’m on my bicycle. There’s an entire passing lane, dumbass!

    -People who say, “I know something that you don’t.” And yes, they’re adults.

    -Being asked to repeat myself four times. No soup for you!

    -Waking up. I’d rather be sleeping.

  16. On June 11th, 2008 at 2:02 pm Amy Says:

    You kill me! I think I peed my pants but I’m too lazy to check it out! Thanks for the laugh(s)!

  17. On June 11th, 2008 at 2:06 pm DC Says:

    LOL!! You just made my day! WTF is up with Flava’ Flav? Did you see his dating show? You know, the one where the girl actually pooped her pants?? Yes, those are the types of girls who have sex with FF.

    BTW . . . I finally wrote a post about my stalker today. Very cathartic. I just wish I could go into more details without the little shit hunting me down like some sort of prey. Soooo freakin’ creepy.

  18. On June 11th, 2008 at 2:28 pm gingermagnolia Says:

    I totally agree with the hatin’ on Flava Flav and Evan Rachel Wood. He looks like a homeless crack addict, and she is trying too hard to be Dita Von Teese.

  19. On June 11th, 2008 at 2:36 pm DC Says:

    I just edited my post to comply with your request for more info on the packaging of the “special sauce.” 🙂

  20. On June 11th, 2008 at 2:41 pm heather Says:

    Ten years ago, I distinctly recall that I was having nasty sex on the counter with Flava Flav, while eating a jar of black olives and drinking a Peach tea Snapple. Jim Gaffigan was having a hot pocket and a Coke while waiting in line behind us to buy some stamps with a roll of dimes that I could read the dates on because that bitch was so close he almost made it a three way.
    Feel better?

  21. On June 11th, 2008 at 2:44 pm DC Says:

    Hey, you asked for the info. I obliged. That’s all I’m sayin’. 😉 Now start scrubbing.

  22. On June 11th, 2008 at 3:00 pm Kristine Says:

    Understanding that I am completely and utterly nerdy…10 years ago I actually did know what I wanted to do with my life, either that or I’m so damn stubborn I just keep plugging away not being happy with what I am doing just because I always said I was going to do it. But please don’t eat your foot because of my freakishness.

    Those fuckers who stand too close irritate the crap out of me. And they always seem to find me.

  23. On June 11th, 2008 at 3:54 pm Jenn Says:

    I hate Evan Rachel Wood too. Just because I can.

  24. On June 11th, 2008 at 4:14 pm Karen Says:

    You crack me up. I would not be able to limit the people I hate to 5.

  25. On June 11th, 2008 at 4:53 pm A Soldier's Girl Says:

    Reading your blog makes me laugh so hard!!! I love it.

    And I am totally with you on the Flava-Flav thing. He is soooo disgusting! I don’t cur how much money/publicity I could get…there is no way I would let him put his nasty tongue in my mouth. And I definitely wouldn’t sleep with his little ass!

    Thanks again for the laughs! Oh & every time I read your comments my ego takes a leap 🙂

  26. On June 11th, 2008 at 5:16 pm Ames Says:

    Oh yeah… I may need to borrow this one, I’m lacking material at the moment…

  27. On June 11th, 2008 at 6:29 pm Swirl Girl Says:

    10 things I wasn’t doing 10 years ago…
    Livin’ La Vida Loca.

    Things on my shit list today:
    – People who ask for my opinion , then don’t want it.
    -Cable service for which I have placed my phone, internet and tv in their shitty hands (stupid me)
    -preschool graduates parents and grandparents who think their little one is the only one who’s relatives should SIT at the ceremony (could ya tell I had to stand?)
    -my fucking doctors who still can’t tell me why I feel like crap all the time since the D.A.C. (dumb- ass cancer)
    -gas prices despite the record profits for gas companies
    (that one I threw in to make y’all think I really give a shit…I am still gonna fill the friggin’ tank)
    -10 foot long receipts from retailers who ‘want my opinion’ and ask me to answer a survey (remember, if you want it, you’ll get it!)
    -the commentor who is ‘dissin’ my favorite food group = the Toes group which consists of Chee /Fri/ Dori and Pota (fill in the suffix).

    Snackfoods I hate: those that do not end in ‘Toes (see above)

    Things I wouldn’t do if I was a billionaire
    -be writing about cheetos. I think I would say my least favorite snack food would be caviar and lamb chops.
    – answering these questions on my own. My personal assistant would be doing it for me so as not to smudge my diamond crusted nail tips and straining my eyes.

    People I Hate;
    -Most people
    – and then…everyone else

  28. On June 11th, 2008 at 7:05 pm baseballmom Says:

    OMG, you are so fucking funny. Flava is NASTY with those teeth, I am scared of the post office too…and cops. No matter how much I’m going the speed limit, or minding my own business in Starbucks when they’re there, I feel like I’m gonna get arrested. Guilty much? I think it goes back to the pot smokin’ days. I also hate fuckers who can’t bugs the shit outta me. And? I hate the hell out of celery too. You rawk girl.

  29. On June 11th, 2008 at 8:03 pm Mumma Boo Says:

    So, “Hooty McBoob”, does that mean you’ll be holding open auditions for spastic ne’er-do-well relatives named “Chesty”, “Breasty”, and “Titsy” ? If so, where do I sign up?

  30. On June 11th, 2008 at 9:06 pm honeywine Says:

    Hormones…life’s little bitch-mongers. lol I’m thoroughly skeeved out by Clay Aiken. Creepy…just creepy.

  31. On June 11th, 2008 at 9:21 pm Sky Says:

    Hooty McBoob, that shit cracks me up. I’m with you on that Flava Flav crap. Come on, just who the hell in their right minds would want that? I don’ t get it.

  32. On June 11th, 2008 at 10:16 pm Marly Says:

    Re: 2. 2): For years, I have dreamed of owning a Kojak light, so I could pull up behind those lazy asses parked in the fire lane and scare the crap out of them. It’s like a freakin’ epidemic here – you can’t even get to the store for the line of cars blocking the entrance. Grrrrrrr!

    Re: 3.: I think I had all of those things for lunch today. 😉

  33. On June 12th, 2008 at 9:33 am Don Mills Diva Says:

    I’m not sure why, but this post scared me a little bit.

  34. On June 12th, 2008 at 11:11 am Amy Says:

    This is hysterical. I loved all your “new” questions. Very clever.

  35. On June 12th, 2008 at 12:49 pm Brooke Says:

    Oh my goodness. I just started reading your blog about a month ago, and this post has got to be my favorite. I am currently sick (day # 7, woohoo!) and am in the same pissy, every one can go screw themselves mood. Albeit, you have a lot more on your worry plate than I do.

    Thank goodness for blogs!

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