Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



So, because I am lazy and unconcerned about facts, I often use Wikipedia when looking for such information as “How do you build a nuclear reactor?” and “What is my middle name?” Occasionally, I’ll use Wikipedia to make me laugh because, well, obviously. Once, they called my town, St. Charles (IL, not MO) “the land of the drunks” and once they quoted Brian “I Hate The North Shore” Parkins as saying, “I hate the North Shore.”

If I had screen shots, it would be better.

Anyway, Wikipedia is fine and I’m still all EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER about beating Wikipedia’s entry for John C. Mayer.

But the last time I was searching Wikipedia for “why are oranges called orange?” I had this horrible, awful thing happen to me. It was so bad that I had to lay down and shake like a purse dog (if I were on Wikipedia, I’d know what they were called) until I could get up again.

Why was I so afraid?




I’ve never been so afraid of the internet before. Look at his scary creepy eyes!

It’s like he’s one of those old time paintings from a haunted mansion and his eyes follow you EVERYWHERE.

Those eyes are JUDGING what you’re LOOKING UP. Jimmy Motherfucking WALES was JUDGING my Wikipedia searches. I knew it! I knew he was judging me! HOW DARE HE JUDGE ME WHEN HE PUT UP SUCH A HORRIBLE GUILT-RIDDEN “PERSONAL APPEAL?”

Jimmy Motherfucking Wales wants my MONEY or he’s going to creep me out half-to-death.

I did the only logical thing. I took to Twitter, horribly butchered his name and called him out on his creepy funhouse eyes.



This can mean only one thing, Pranksters:

We killed Jimmy Wales…

…and his creepy funhouse eyes.

34 Comments to


  1. On December 1st, 2010 at 11:19 am Simple Dude Says:

    I think he jumped of a bridge into the icy waters of the Wiki River because no one, and I mean NO ONE took the time to read his personal appeal. Poor wiki bastard.


  2. On December 1st, 2010 at 11:26 am Megan Says:

    Ha! It looks like he’s trying to fart. *pfft*. Ah, now he feels better.

  3. On December 1st, 2010 at 11:29 am AmyBlam Says:

    He looks more give me money you lazy bitches or I’ll put you in cement shoes than a personal appeal kind of guy.

  4. On December 1st, 2010 at 11:31 am Halala Mama Says:

    Sooo good! He was creeping me out too. Now what i really want to know is that given your penchant for using the middle names of celebrities is MF REALLY Jimmy Wales’s last name and if so, does wikipedia answer the question, “What in the name of all that is holy were the parents of Jimmy Wales thinking??”

  5. On December 1st, 2010 at 11:38 am Elly Lou Says:

    You must be positively drunk with power! Or pain meds! Either way, I’m in! And I have lots of exclamation points! So there!

  6. On December 1st, 2010 at 11:52 am Tweets that mention WE KILLED JIMMY WALES | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, JR Reed. JR Reed said: RT @mommywantsvodka: Whoops! We killed Jimmy! […]

  7. On December 1st, 2010 at 12:15 pm Kadye Says:

    He may not be on the website anymore, but his eyes have been burned into your soul. He’s with you always.

  8. On December 1st, 2010 at 1:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    He’s like a rash. A CREEPY RASH.

  9. On December 1st, 2010 at 12:43 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    Obviously, he’s reading your mind.

  10. On December 1st, 2010 at 1:02 pm Amy Says:

    Okay, so I just did a John C. Mayer Google search and you beat Wikipedia, with the 2nd and 3rd search results. Twitter was the 1st result for me.

  11. On December 1st, 2010 at 1:07 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    He looks like a serial killer. And you definitely don’t want a serial killer knowing what you search for.

  12. On December 1st, 2010 at 1:29 pm Betty M Says:

    Don’t be mean. I don’t think he is creepy.

  13. On December 1st, 2010 at 1:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Now that he’s gone, I don’t either. That wasn’t the creepy picture. There was one worse but I couldn’t find it.

  14. On December 1st, 2010 at 2:41 pm Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Whew – I was also so tired of Jimmy. Glad we’ve got some new Wikipedia blood.

    Which reminds me, I should learn more about blood.

    No reason.

    Just ’cause.

  15. On December 1st, 2010 at 5:16 pm KC (The Resident Bitch) Says:

    DUDE, I am so glad I’m not the only one who found those pictures creepy!!!

  16. On December 1st, 2010 at 6:45 pm Kernut the Blond Says:

    That was his second attempt at hustling for Wikibucks.

    He’s like a turd that won’t flush – he keeps coming back.

  17. On December 1st, 2010 at 6:48 pm Suniverse Says:

    The power is strong within you.

    Look at what you can do with ONLY THE POWER OF 140 CHARACTERS.

    I bow before you.

  18. On December 1st, 2010 at 7:32 pm McGilli Says:

    You are so warped it’s awesome!! fuckin’ love that you killed someone with a name like Jimmy fucks Wales.

  19. On December 1st, 2010 at 7:38 pm SharleneT Says:

    Are you off your meds, yet?… Now, I want you to do the same thing to Mickey Mouse!…

  20. On December 1st, 2010 at 9:14 pm Sahd Story Says:

    I just spent Thanksgiving weekend in St Charles and there were a lot of really drunk people there. Just sayin. I mean, sure most of them were my family, but still.

  21. On December 1st, 2010 at 9:39 pm TheMom (aka Amy) Says:

    Wow, good job y’all. Now could you focus on my sister in law growing the fuck up or at the very least shutting the fuck up. Cuz that bitch is driving everybody crazy or at least I know she would if you knew her.


  22. On December 1st, 2010 at 11:13 pm Dead Cow Girl Says:

    Yeah. Trying having those eyes stare at you while you are reading about figging.

  23. On December 2nd, 2010 at 2:11 am Peter Says:

    Does it mean anything when I do not know, nor care, who Jimmy Effing Wales is? I never use Wikipedia. There are just a couple of subjects where I have some very deep and detailed knowledge. I looked on Wikipedia about those topics and they were so full of misinformation and downright lies that I figure why try to use them about things with whichI am not highly conversant.

    So, Becky, I’m glad you killed him. Do you need any help hiding the body?

  24. On December 2nd, 2010 at 2:36 am Peter Says:

    That’s also why I gave up newspapers and TV news. Not Jimmy Effin’ Wales but because I had a job I was good at, the kind of job that sometimes made the news. I have a hobby that demands a certain amount of learnin’ that also sometimes made the news. Well, every time I saw something in the paper or on the teevee about those, they were not only wrong but flatassed silly about being far from the possibilities. So, no Wiki, no teevee news and no newspaper. I’ll still help you hide Jimmy Effin’ Wales’ body, though.

  25. On December 2nd, 2010 at 9:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’ll totally take you up on your offer for help. Thanks!

  26. On December 2nd, 2010 at 7:29 am JennJenn Says:

    The fact that you actually looked up MF and it offered you motor cycling was the best part of my day!!!!

  27. On December 2nd, 2010 at 11:49 am the crazy suburban mom Says:

    That guy reminds me of someone and that’s kind of scary because I can’t remember who it was – but yeah you’re right – it’s the eyes. The. eyes.


  28. On December 2nd, 2010 at 12:11 pm Chocolate Diapers Says:

    Aunt Becky, bravo! That was some funny shit. That pretty much describes how I feel about those pleas. I didn’t like the way he was staring at me either, like a creepy uncle.

  29. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:00 pm pattypunker Says:

    i love that you found jimmy motherfucking wales staring at you on the scopophobia page! btw, i got kartika today and she’s way too young to be an author, but ding dong the wales is dead.

  30. On December 2nd, 2010 at 4:19 pm magpie Says:

    I’m so glad to know it was you who got Jimmy MOTHERFUCKING Wales off of that site. I should have guessed.

  31. On December 2nd, 2010 at 9:44 pm dufmanno Says:

    Some religious lady told me that Jimmy Wales only pops up if your name is on the going to hell list.
    So after I threw her off a steep embankment, well guess what?
    Jimmy Wales popped up on my next WIKI search. That proves it’s true

  32. On December 3rd, 2010 at 10:32 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha! We all know I’m going to hell. I’ll meet you there.

  33. On December 6th, 2010 at 1:27 pm Gregory Kohs Says:

    The eyes are only the beginning of it!

    I wonder when the news media will figure out that the Wikimedia Foundation spends on program services only 41 cents of every dollar they scam from donors, which earns them ONE STAR (out of four!) from Charity Navigator in organizational efficiency. In fact, their KPMG audit discovered that it only takes about $2.5 million to keep the servers running, provide ample bandwidth, and staff a team of code developers to keep things running smoothly. Why, then, is the ask for $20 million? No wonder he looks so nervous — like someone is about to blow the cover on his financial scam.

    I also wonder why the news media never thought to cover the 2009 story of how the Wikimedia Foundation needed extra office space, and as if by magic, they hand-picked Jimmy Wales’ for-profit corporation to be their landlord, THEN obtained competitive bids, THEN asked Wales’ for-profit company to match the average of the competitive bids.

    I too wonder why the media don’t seem to care that the 2010 market research study of past Wikimedia Foundation donors was awarded to the former employer of the WMF staffer running the project, without any competitive bidding whatsoever. And when the Executive Director of the Wikimedia Foundation was asked how much the project cost, the guy asking the question was banned from the online discussion.

  34. On November 3rd, 2011 at 12:26 pm - Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] totally the awesomest thing ever. Jimmy Motherfucking Wales? Eat your creepy-eyed heart […]

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