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Way To Ruin Christmas


There are traditions that are bullshit and traditions that are not bullshit. The whole groom removing the bride’s garter with his teeth? Kinda bullshit. It’s just too skeevy for me.

Decorating the Christmas tree while listening to Britney Spears croon, “My Only Wish?” Totally awesome.

One of my favorite traditions – besides drinking gallons of coffee and diet Coke – is to make something so ridiculous, so heinous, and so morally reprehensible as to embarrass as many people as possible. Namely my uber-conservative in-laws.

That’s right, Pranksters, I took a bit from a Saturday Night Live Skit and made my own.

What, I can hear you ask, could you possibly have taken? The weird cheerleader bit? The Church Lady? The Ambiguously Gay Duo?


Schweddy Balls.

I know I’ve spoken of it before, but when I was a child, my parents listened almost exclusively to NPR and the local classical radio station. Don’t get me wrong, hearing about how 3000 children in Afghanistan by some horrible disease is pretty much UN-scarring for a kid (also: positive and uplifting), but I spent most of those years, stuck in the living room listening to the announcers drone on and on, praying, hoping, praying that one of them would slip up and swear.

They never did.

So when SNL put together a skit about Alec Baldwin’s Schweddy Balls, it was like a childhood dream come true. FINALLY, those announcers were talking about dirty shit WITHOUT skipping a beat!

Here’s the video for those of you who live in a cave and haven’t seen it.

I’ll wait here while you compose yourself; perhaps get a new chair or keyboard.

So I decided when Alex was a wee babe that what I needed to do was to make Schweddy Balls and put them out for Christmas. If I could successfully dead-pan the delivery of Schweddy Balls to my family, I would win.

(what would I win? Maybe a Mr. Peanut medal or something)

Each year, I’ve diligently made something with a dirty name (Meat Sticks, anyone?), and my own family has laughed uproariously, whereas my in-laws don’t even blink when I say, “Here, try my Schweddy Balls.” Perhaps it’s lost on them.

Either way, it may be September, but I’m already pondering what to make this year for “Schweddy Balls.” I’m thinking Rum Balls, but you know, it’s a Schweddy family recipe, so we’ll see.

Then, this morning, my sister-in-law sent me something on The Facebook. I’m not sure whether to be thrilled or furious at Ben and Jerry’s.


No, the more I think about this, the more I feel Furious George.

Also: hungry.

18 Comments to

“Way To Ruin Christmas”

  1. On September 8th, 2011 at 12:55 pm KJ Collard Says:

    Make sure to check out Betty White’s giant Dusty Muffin. It’s just as brilliant!

    PS-did your Schweddy Balls taste like Alec Baldwin?

  2. On September 8th, 2011 at 1:27 pm Kelly Says:

    I’d bet Alec Baldwin tastes like rage and Brylcreem.

  3. On September 8th, 2011 at 1:38 pm Andrea Says:

    Just tell your in-laws that you sold Ben &Jerry your recipe!

  4. On September 8th, 2011 at 2:24 pm Amelia Says:

    I fucking LOVE this, and personally cannot WAIT to imbibe in BJ’s Schweddy Balls.

    Oh, wait…

  5. On September 8th, 2011 at 3:19 pm Kelly Says:

    Oh My Sweet Fancy underpants! This is awesome! Stupid Celiac disease! I can’t have any, but it is STILL awesome, that’s how amazing this is to me! One of my favorite skits EVER. I love love love that one. “mmm your balls just melt in my mouth” Priceless.

  6. On September 8th, 2011 at 3:56 pm Abigail @ Skywaitress Says:

    Obviously this is proof of your pure genius. When Ben and Jerry’s starts stealing your ideas I think that’s how you know you’ve made it.

    To where you’ve made it I have no idea but you’re here. How is… it?

  7. On September 8th, 2011 at 4:59 pm Heli Says:

    And that’s supposed to make us defy our diets and indulge? Ooooh, I gotta get me some schweddy balls! I’m not sure I am ever going to get tired of jokes about this…

  8. On September 8th, 2011 at 5:33 pm Meg at the Members Lounge Says:

    I actually wrote a salute to Alec Baldwin last week – I totally lurve him! Now the Schweddy Balls ice cream. It’s like pure magic!

  9. On September 8th, 2011 at 6:26 pm beckyg Says:

    I saw this on tumblr, and I want some! But don’t know where to find it 🙁
    and, I think now, you don’t even need to make anything, there is your gift, just have to get around the whole melting thing………

  10. On September 8th, 2011 at 6:31 pm Jayme Says:

    The one with Betty White talking about her muffin was my favorite. If you haven’t seen it, run!

  11. On September 8th, 2011 at 8:07 pm Crystal Says:

    Got so excited when I heard about this…and OMG that ice cream is probably delicious

  12. On September 8th, 2011 at 8:16 pm Bobbi Says:

    Go old South Park and make Chef’s Salty Chocolate Balls.

  13. On September 8th, 2011 at 11:12 pm Working Mommy Says:

    Damn Ben & Jerrys…totally took your genius in making other people uncomfortable…bastards!


  14. On September 9th, 2011 at 12:56 am Kristin Says:

    Damn them for stealing your Schweddy Balls. I think you should make Chef’s (you know, from South Park) Chocolate Salty Balls instead.

  15. On September 9th, 2011 at 8:26 am Robyn Says:

    Just reading the term “Shweddy Balls” over and over again has me in a fit of giggles at my desk. My co-workers are probably thinking I’ve officially lost it.

  16. On September 9th, 2011 at 5:08 pm Whitney Soup Says:

    yesss! britney’s my only wish. totally agree that that’s totally awesome. 🙂

  17. On September 12th, 2011 at 8:07 pm Carri Says:

    BEST SNL skit EVER. Yes, ever! I’ll be on high alert until I get my hands on that ice cream.

  18. On September 17th, 2011 at 2:02 am Grace Says:

    I’m very picky about my ice cream, and I can’t say I’m in a big hurry to try this one. It’s a shame because that sketch it just classic. I have loved it dearly since its first airing.

    That said, I think you should post your schweddy balls recipe, or just send some to your Pranksters because I need to try some of Aunt Becky’s Schweddy Balls.

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