Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Viva la Affairs!


Aunt Becky: “It’s almost my birthday.”

The Daver: “Yeah?”

Aunt Becky: “Yup! I’ve been regularly petitioning the White House to change July to “Aunt Becky’s Birthday Month” rather than like, “Breast Awareness Month” because it seems like a good idea.”

The Daver: “I think the Breast Awareness people will be pretty pissed at you.”

Aunt Becky: “Well, in that case, we can SHARE it. Because really, we both like women AND boobs, AND pink! This is a total win!”

The Daver: “You keep on keepin’ on.”

Aunt Becky: “So far they’ve managed to ignore me, but I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!”

The Daver: “You have to fight, Becky, for what’s important.”

Aunt Becky: “I mean, maybe I should petition the French government to change the date of Bastille Day to the day AFTER and then change the name to “Aunt Becky’s Birthday SLASH Bastille Day.”

The Daver: “Are you French?”

Aunt Becky: “Um. No. But I’ve been to France! I like Brie!”

The Daver: “But are you French?”

Aunt Becky (thinks): “I’m Swedish, Scottish, and Black Irish, I think.”

The Daver: “That may not be enough.”

Aunt Becky: “Well, I could lie. Or maybe get impregnated by a Frenchman. THEN I would be FRENCH by…um…whatchu call it?”

The Daver: “…”


The Daver: “Good luck with that conquest, Becks.”

Aunt Becky: “What’s the president of France’s Twitter? Do you know it? I bet he’ll respond to me immediately. I mean, how could he not?”

The Daver: “You may have to ask Twitter.”


The Daver: “Over Twitter?”

Aunt Becky: “Now you’re just being absurd.”

The Daver: “Me? I’M the absurd one?”

Aunt Becky (plots): “I should DM him and see if we can have a clandestine meeting. I think I read in People Magazine that he likes to have affairs.”

The Daver: “Good luck with the affair, Becky. Now, I have to get back to the meeting with the CEO of my company. I’d appreciate if you didn’t call me out of meetings to scheme with you.”

Aunt Becky: “Hey, can you ask your CEO if he knows the Twitter handle of the president of France?”

The Daver: “No.”

Aunt Becky: “Ass.”

P.S. Lily Grace is out of surgery, off the vent and KICKING ASS! Pranksters, you humble me as always. Much, much love. Her mother, Nikki, her father, and her whole family read and will be reading all of the comments you left. Thank you so very much.


80 Comments to

“Viva la Affairs!”

  1. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:20 am Minnie Says:

    Seriously, do you listen in on my conversations with my husband?

  2. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:22 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. I knew there was a reason we were friends.

  3. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:25 am Amy Mayfield Says:

    Affairs with French men is the way to go. They like to buy expensive gifts, like Hermes bags. They also like to put up their mistresses in swanky pads. Seriously. I have a friend who was a mistress for several years and she got all kinds of good gifts.
    No sperm though. So maybe not exactly what you are looking for.

  4. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:20 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think I’ll take Hermes bags over sperm ANY day.

  5. On June 4th, 2010 at 10:04 am Amy Mayfield Says:

    No one has EVER jerked off for me in the metro. I feel cheated.
    Becky-now I know why you want the bag-you’ve already seen the penises.

  6. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:43 am andygirl Says:

    Well color me jealous. I lived in France and all I met were sleazy, short men who weren’t so much with the brushing of the teeth. ew.

    Now Italian men? Yummers. And they now how to spoil a lady. Or a slut like me. Either way.

  7. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:09 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! When I was in France I was stalked no less than 12 times by creepy men who LITERALLY followed me around. Then I saw lots of penises. I think I love Europe.

  8. On June 3rd, 2010 at 7:45 pm Andygirl Says:

    hah! me too! a guy even jerked off *for me* on the metro. ah Frenchies.

  9. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:45 am Natalie Says:

    I would totally have an affair with you. (I think my great-grandfather was French.) But we may have trouble conceiving… because I’m a bit lacking in the penis department.

  10. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think I can get over the no-penis thing.

  11. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:08 am Kate Says:

    You are one hilarious girly, you know that?

    I’m thrilled…. positively ecstatic… to hear that Lily’s surgery went well & she is recovering so awesomely (it must run in the family)!!!

    Way to go on kicking neurosurgery’s butt, little Lily ~ heal up quickly, get out of the hospital & continue making your mama and daddy proud! 🙂

  12. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:27 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Aw, you know all about babies in surgeries. I know that Nikki will be reading all about you soon too.

  13. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:19 am jenny Says:

    you’ve got quite the imagination… and thanks for helping me procrastinate!

  14. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I am very good at making people procrastinate. Probably helping them NOT procreate too.

  15. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:19 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    Breast cancer gets two months? Aren’t we all aware by now? Maybe they should consider officially changing it to Save the Tatas month because that sounds much better.

  16. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think it should just be “Boobies Month.”

  17. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:42 am Darktouch Says:

    I think the arguement against “Boobies Month” is the same as the one why there is a Mother’s and Father’s day but not “Kids day

  18. On June 3rd, 2010 at 2:34 pm Capn John Says:

    Of course Breast Cancer gets two months. You have two boobs, don’t you? Two boobs = two months.

  19. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:23 am joel Says:

    if this conversation had happened with me, it probably wouldve ended with a “sample” of “man batter” being shipped on ices to French and back. for no other reason than to brag about my “man batter” being even more “France” than it already is because it had recently experiences a European Tours.

    and im pretty sure the president of french’s twitter names is @frenchpress

  20. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:21 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    “Man batter” is sorely underutilized in everyday conversation. I think we should personally bring this back into polite conversation.

  21. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:26 am Angela Says:

    I’m surprised Daver didn’t think this conversation warranted being pulled out of a meeting. This is serious stuff. I fully support your campaign and will see what I can do about France’s president. I’m Canadian. We have connections with the French.

  22. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:20 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The Daver doesn’t understand the gravity of such a quandary. He’s clearly subpar.

  23. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:28 am Neeroc Says:

    Hey if the President of France isn’t willing, there’s always the Prime Minister. Handy that they have one of each for situations just like this.

  24. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:20 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Now THIS is why France is full of the WIN!

  25. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:30 am habanerogal Says:

    There’s gotta be some “cause” out there that would partner up with Aunt Becky because HELLO you have the ear of every influential woman in America and beyond ! Happy Becky-stille day to all of your loyal subjects and let em eat cake (Oh wait that was Marie Antoinette but at least it comes from France)

  26. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:20 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I love the way you think.

  27. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:37 am Mystern Says:

    I’m officially marking my calendar right now. Crossing off all those other things and making them all Aunt Becky related

  28. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:19 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Really, that’s a good idea every month.

  29. On June 3rd, 2010 at 1:02 pm Mary Says:

    An Aunt Becky calendar sounds awesome. Then T-shirts, mugs, and especially cocktail glasses. And sex toys! One stop shopping!

  30. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:40 am Melissa Says:

    HAH! Having a birthday as a National Holiday is not all its cracked up to be. Mine is SOMETIMES on Thanksgiving, and almost always celebrated on Thanksgiving because my family hates each other and cannot be bothered to get together TWICE in a week, and I happen to be one of the few weirdos who HATE Thanksgiving dinner.

    Maybe because my Mom still insists on cooking, and she cant cook Turkey for shit. She is totally gourmet with EVERYTHING she cooks, except Turkey. It tastes like cardboard, and plus I think everyone is too tired eating afterwards to give a flying fuck that its my birthday. And that I want PIE, not CAKE. And not just any pie. Sour Cherrry pie! with SOUR CREAM on the side.

    And Go Lily! You rock the house!

  31. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:09 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The secret to turkey (the only thing I CAN cook) is this: butter. And shove some fancy spices up it’s butt. I’m awesome.

  32. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:52 am Megan Says:

    My birthday also sometimes falls on Thanksgiving, and while I didn’t like it as a kid because I hated being forcefed stuffing, which I HATED, on my birthday, now I kind of enjoy it. It means that I’ll definitely see family and get an awesome meal that someone else cooks. Of course, most of my meals are cooked by someone else because I can’t cook for shit.

    Also, sour cherry pie with sour cream on the side sounds sort of disgusting but also awesome. I think I need some.

  33. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:42 am andygirl Says:

    I highly doubt this is really Nicolas Sarkozy, but you’re welcome anyway:

    p.s. totally voted for you. if you don’t win a bloggy, I’ll be upset. and die.

  34. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:12 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I WILL TOTALLY DIE. AND SHRIVEL UP! Like a RAISIN! (what did I get nominated for?)

  35. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:49 am Tweets that mention Where it's probably better that I don't have your phone number: -- Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Toy With Me, Aunt Becky. Aunt Becky said: Where it's probably better that I don't have your phone number: […]

  36. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:53 am Jennifer B Says:

    While I’m very excited your birthday is coming (and who isn’t, really)…. I’m really really happy to hear about Lily Grace. Yay!!!!!!
    Oh, and good luck with the French prez. I’m French (in the mutt mix) and I give you my blessing. Clearly, Daver doesn’t mind. 🙂

  37. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I don’t think Daver would mind if I mated with a tree. Is that good? Bad? I don’t know.

  38. On June 3rd, 2010 at 10:54 am Megan Says:

    I’m all in favor of having a birthday month. Sometimes it seems like that’s what it is anyway. With my friends and family scattered all over the country, I tend to get cards and phone calls and presents for at least a week before and after the actual day. This may mean to you that they couldn’t be bothered to remember the actual date, but I chose to believe that it means they want to make sure I get to celebrate for weeks and weeks instead of all on just one day. It’s more fun that way!

  39. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:10 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My birthday is in July and NO ONE REMEMBERS IT. Like, NO ONE. I think they take vacations in July and for some reason NO ONE ever shows up to my birthday parties. It’s beyond depressing. Ugh. I just depressed myself.

  40. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:19 am Megan Says:

    I bet that sucked as a kid, not being in school anymore for people to make a fuss about it. I always felt bad for kids with summer birthdays. Of course, mine often fell during the Thanksgiving break, so I felt bad for me, too, obviously.

  41. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:24 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude, that SUCKS too. Summer birthday and holiday birthdays get hit HARD.

  42. On June 3rd, 2010 at 12:12 pm Libby Says:

    I wouldn’t pick the President of France to sleep with. He probably has syphilis and thinks it’s “continental.”

  43. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:16 am Rebecca Says:

    Aww good to hear about sweet baby Lily Grace! Continued prayers for that little cherub!

  44. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:17 am Kori Says:

    If you find out how to get an in with ANYONE importatn about the birthday thing, could you mention that I didn’t even get a CARD for my birthday?

  45. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Your birthday can be rolled into the “Birthday Clause” and you will get a parade every year complete with shirtless firemen. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.

  46. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:30 am katrina Says:

    YAY!! Congratulations to little Lily Grace. May she continue to heal and thrive and love!

    I’m all for getting rid of Breast Cancer Awareness Month—-mostly because it is sponsored by Zeneca Pharm. (a US subsidiary of Imperial Chemical Industries) .Zeneca earns over $300 million yearly from sales of the carcinogenic herbicide Acetochlor, while simultaneously marketing Tamoxifen…(the world’s best selling cancer therapy drug), and running a chain of cancer treatment centers. It is revolting and disgusting—-(first they cause it, then they make $$ of the treatment.)

    Aunt Becky’s Birthday is worthy of a national holiday!!! petition Obama!

  47. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:41 am Kristin Says:

    You are seriously demented and I love you for it.

    Am thrilled to hear the news about Lily Grace.

  48. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:46 am KYouell Says:

    Katrina just made me throw up in my mouth, which is ruining my cocoa so I’m going to think about happier things…

    Like birthday parades for little girls who kick surgery’s butt and shirtless firemen.

    Ah, much better.

  49. On June 3rd, 2010 at 12:28 pm katrina Says:

    Sorry……the ‘corporate breast cancer awareness shit’ just makes me CRAZY–and the public just swallows it all….like Zeneca really cares…. i just wanna blow up the damn company….and castrate all the CEO’s

    But yeah, i agree it’s much nicer to think about happy things, exactly like little beautiful babies kicking neurosurgery butt!

  50. On June 3rd, 2010 at 3:25 pm daisybv2 Says:

    AHHH I ALSO LOVE SHIRTLESS Fireman! YUMM-O My hubbs is a fireman too which is even better

  51. On June 3rd, 2010 at 11:53 am PottyMouthMommy Says:

    Hah! I have a solution for you!!

    I will adopt you…. and I’m HALF french… my maternal grandmother is a war-bride from France. Her entire family, with the exception of her three spawn and their spawn (myself being on of them) still lives in France…

    Hooray for me!

    And hooray for baby Lily Grace!!

  52. On June 3rd, 2010 at 12:21 pm mumma boo Says:

    Atta girl, Lily Grace!! Keep kicking ass and taking names, little one!

    And, Becks, your birthday is already a national holiday! Don’t you know the Pranksters stop whatever they’re doing at 3:00 PM EDT and raise a vodka martini in your honor? Or is just me?

  53. On June 3rd, 2010 at 12:22 pm Sarah P Says:

    Yay, Lily! That is one kick-ass way to start life. Give ’em hell, baby!

    Someone stole the model guillotine from our French teacher’s desk in high school. When we went on our French class field trip, we wound up going to a sex shop on our free time. We found him another model guillotine, but it came in a box that said, “French Birth Control.”

    Choppy, choppy, Mssr. Presidente.

  54. On June 3rd, 2010 at 12:31 pm leanne Says:

    Now that’s what I like to see… a child kicking brain surgery in the ASS! Awright, Lily! Hang in there, Nikki!

    Becky, you totally deserve your own month. I like July — some of my favorite people were born that month: you, my daughter, and my best friend from college. (I’m partial to June as well — my son and I were born this month)

    Also, you had me at “French by Injection.”

  55. On June 3rd, 2010 at 12:40 pm carlynn Says:

    I wish with all my heart I could write like you. Love the idea of a Becky Birthday Month and if I get hold of that twitter thing you want, it will be over there like a speeding bullet.

    Very glad to hear about Lily Rose. Good for every little baby that survives.

  56. On June 3rd, 2010 at 2:26 pm Elly Lou Says:

    It sounds brilliant! Maybe I’ll try it. Cept with my luck I’d just end up with a french fry in my hootch.

  57. On June 3rd, 2010 at 1:30 pm Sarcastically Yours Says:

    ROFLMAO….Oh the convos you have with The Daver. Can I be you both when I grow up?

  58. On June 3rd, 2010 at 1:54 pm toywithme Says:

    Gee you would think The Daver would be more supportive when you have such obviously brilliant ideas! Does he even know who you are?

  59. On June 3rd, 2010 at 3:10 pm Halala Mama Says:

    I am going to print this out, like a script, and read Aunt Becky’s part to Ismael when he gets home. I guarantee his response would vary from “uh huh” to “give me the remote” to “you should go to France…you learn French fast there.”

  60. On June 3rd, 2010 at 3:27 pm daisybv2 Says:

    I know that I am a day late on all of this! Sorry was out helping special needs kids today, but anyways GO LILY GRACE! I am so happy my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family for a speedy recovery 🙂

  61. On June 3rd, 2010 at 2:52 pm Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    Tears of happy for Miss Lilly being a brain surgery ass kicker. I mean, I know almost nothing is impossible when you have a band of merry pranksters cheering you on, but it’s still amazingly fantastic.

    Also, I’m only 45 minutes from France. Come visit, we’ll go hunting for President of France man batter! (Totally love that term!)

  62. On June 3rd, 2010 at 2:55 pm a Says:

    Why don’t you just move your birthday to August? That way you won’t have to compete with breast cancer, and you’ll be a Leo like you’ve always wanted.

    (BTW, you will not get July. Unfortunately, I already have July. It’s my month, because I refuse to celebrate my birthday and other people refuse to honor my wishes.)

    Hurray for Lily Grace! World domination by all the girls with Grace as a middle name (my daughter too) will soon commence!

  63. On June 3rd, 2010 at 3:05 pm pattypunker Says:

    fuck bastille day!

    ps: so glad to hear lily grace is kicking ass.

  64. On June 3rd, 2010 at 4:35 pm Mwa Says:

    Shame he’s a short aggressive-looking weird little man. But hey, good luck with it.

  65. On June 3rd, 2010 at 4:45 pm Banshee Says:

    OMG, I nearly died at the French by Injection – a few years ago a friend of a friend insisted I was asian by injection…on account of my husband being half-Japanese. The joke stuck…it still comes up actually.

    Yay for Lily Grace! What wonderful news!!! =)

  66. On June 3rd, 2010 at 4:54 pm Chelsea Talks Smack Says:

    you fuckin’ kill me, really. i love you. yep.

  67. On June 3rd, 2010 at 7:51 pm Coco Says:

    Who even cares about the Bastille? Aunt Becky’s Birthday 4-EVAH, bitches!

  68. On June 3rd, 2010 at 8:43 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    Aunt Becky,
    How am I supposed to get any work done when you write posts like this that: a) make me spit my beverage all over myself due to extreme guffaws, and b) picture you in a deep groiny clinch with president of France?

  69. On June 3rd, 2010 at 8:45 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    Aunt Becky,
    How am I supposed to get any work done when you keep writing posts that: a) make me spit my beverage all over myself due to extreme guffaws, and b) make me picture you in a tight, groiny embrace with the president of France?

  70. On June 3rd, 2010 at 9:50 pm pam-tastic Says:

    Screw the White House – it’s Hallmark that you need to petition! Hell, they have a card for every holiday in the world…so if you could get them to buy-in to your birthday month, they would make cards specificall for you and also you’d be properly noted in the CALENDARS! That’s where the money is baby…CALENDARS! DAY PLANNERS! Once you’re there…you’re IN!

  71. On June 4th, 2010 at 4:49 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Is this a call to anyone of French descent, or just politicians? I mean, if Jean-Claude Van Damme, or maybe Jerry Lewis made an offer, would you take it?

  72. On June 4th, 2010 at 6:07 am Trista Says:

    Sorry dude, France can’t move that holiday since it is currently Trista’s Birthday/Bastille Day. I’m pretty sure there would be a popular revolt if it was suggested (France is big on the protests). And honestly you could do better than Sarkozy – he’s got vulcan ears.
    (and Yay for Lily Grace!)

  73. On June 4th, 2010 at 7:05 am James Says:

    i so know what are talking about when it comes to birthdays mine is 2 days after Xmas and i usually get nothing and last year my mom was in the hospital on it

  74. On June 4th, 2010 at 7:12 am James Says:

    i know how ya feel my birthday is two days after xmas and no one usually acknowledges me then and last birthday my mom went to the hospital so yeah i get it

  75. On June 4th, 2010 at 9:26 am Laura Says:

    ok – what is with your site? When did you change the navigation? I was just here when you were on your cruise and it was still the same.

    That was the coolest navigation ever. With the pics and dropdowns…

    well, anyway, tell it I miss it.

    Good luck with the French pres. I know he will dig you.

  76. On June 4th, 2010 at 11:08 am Dawn Says:

    My birthday is December 23 and everyone always says, “Oh, poor you, born so close to Christmas. I’ll bet you get one combined birthday/Christmas gift from everyone.”

    Not if they want to live, I don’t.

    It’s actually great. It’s a four day party – birthday, sparkly lights everywhere, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, sparkly lights everywhere, Boxing Day – everyone’s in a party mood, sparkly lights, and did I mention the sparkly lights? The timing of my birth was full of the awesome. Way to go, Mom and Dad!

  77. On June 5th, 2010 at 10:43 am The Crazy Suburban Mom Says:

    lame ass test comment

  78. On June 6th, 2010 at 11:40 am Gaby Says:

    You crack me up as always! I also just fanned you on facebook, just so you know and so that all my friends know because they might get tired of me sending them ALL of the posts I find funny one at a time.
    I love summer birthdays! My month is June. I’ve been trying for years (unsuccessfully) to get at least my family to accept that my birthday merits a month long celebration.
    I say go for the French president. He has money, power, an accent, and I’m sure easy access to a lot of wine and cheese.
    I’ve been plotting a way to get my EU passport for a while so I would take any nationality, but French is at the top of my list.

    Have a happy week! And I’ll keep Lily Grace in my thoughts, she’s a strong girl!

  79. On June 6th, 2010 at 2:31 pm Kendra Says:

    Congratulations to Lily!

    And I love the “French by injection.” As soon as I got pregnant with our oldest son, my SIL (my husband’s brother’s wife, if you’re following) announced that, like her, I was now “Jewish by injection.” We’re a fancy special club!

  80. On June 29th, 2010 at 12:37 pm MamaSkates Says:

    hey, i’m a july baby too! good luck with ur affair ;0)

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