Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Viewer Discretion Is Advised


In addition to having Ask Aunt Becky Sundays (which, HOORAY! I’m getting a ton of questions I can actually answer!), I have a column every Tuesday here, at Toy With Me. My first column is up and I could use, well, some love.


It’s absolutely the raunchier side of me, so if you have any problems with hearing about my crotch or The Sex, it’s probably not for you. This includes anyone that may be related to me. I’m not like, BANNING you, but you know. Crotch talk isn’t for everyone.

And check it out! I got nominated and stuff for this award! If you’d like to vote for me, I’d be thrilled. If you don’t, well, I’m still thrilled. Thank you all for voting for me on the other awards, you know, the ones on my sidebar and stuff. I’m kind of ashamed to be asking for votes. Seriously.

Um. Anyway.

Moving on…

Also? You wanted fake flower shots?(why does that sound so dirty?) YOU GOT ‘EM.

Ugly Ass Flowers

How are YOU today?

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
49 Comments to

“Viewer Discretion Is Advised”

  1. On September 1st, 2009 at 10:16 am Badass Geek Says:

    I don’t know about you, but crotch talk *should* be for everyone.

    Unless it comes from my parents. Or maybe YOUR parents. Because *shudder*

  2. On September 1st, 2009 at 10:26 am Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    oh my…. that IS just wrong….

    LOVE LOVE LOVE the new look by the way!!

    Why THANK you.

  3. On September 1st, 2009 at 10:47 am Viewer Discretion Is Advised ZPFDC Says:

    […] Original post:ย  Viewer Discretion Is Advised […]

  4. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:00 am Anjali Says:

    Great column. You’ve just reminded me what I should put on my Christmas list…If I can wait that long…

    Why thank you. Might I suggest a little MAIL ORDER next time?

  5. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:09 am Sarah Says:

    I suppose “BRING ON THE CROTCH TALK!!” may be a bit enthusiastic for even YOUR comments… so… moving right along!

    And – for the love of PETE – my mom was totally rocking the fake flowers at one point. In Colorado, FEET of snow on the ground. God love her. It was in blatant “your father won’t freaking do any yardwork” protest, but then… well… she kind of liked it. At least they moved and this past spring she even had some real flowers growing, so here’s hoping she’s fully on the road to recovery.

    I totally thought I’d find a recipe OR twisted story highlighting the new and fabulous Aunt Beckified drink, the Fake Flower Shot. Hopefully Sara, up there, will post her recipe when she’s done working that out.

    Maybe I will have to invent a shot! That would rule!

  6. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:10 am Sarah Says:

    And furthermore…

    OF COURSE I voted. YESTERDAY (bitches!). Voted *FOR YOU* as well! (Added bonus!)

    Aww, YEAH! Thank you.

  7. On September 1st, 2009 at 10:14 am Maggie Says:

    I’m such a sheep! You tell me to jump, I ask which bridge.. you tell me to prune my bushes, I buy hedge clippers… you tell me I have to love roller derby, and I start researching the topic deeply… you tell me to vote, and I go sign up and v-o-t-e. WHY?? BECAUSE I LOVE YOU MORE THAN THESE OTHER BITCHES!

    *high 5*

    *bumps butts* AWW, YEAH! Thank you.

  8. On September 1st, 2009 at 10:18 am Jo Says:

    Scarily, the fake flowers are more impressive than my gardening prowess. I am so shamed!
    My LADY gardening prowess, however – second to none.

    *cue porno music NOW*

  9. On September 1st, 2009 at 10:22 am Nel Says:

    Fake flower shots does sound pretty dirty for some reason. Huh.

    Is it weird that I like the fake flowers?

    I only wish that I’d kept them to give to you. Those were the first things I disposed of. She LOVINGLY left them for me.

  10. On September 1st, 2009 at 10:29 am Shari Says:

    I am on my way over to share in the love… and crotch talk.. ๐Ÿ˜€

    oh.. that is all I can say to the fake flowers.. oh. that is not right!

    Hooray for CROTCHES!

  11. On September 1st, 2009 at 10:36 am amy d Says:

    Fake Flower Shots sounds filthy!!!
    I loathe yard work but never would I go to the extent of planting plastic foliage!

    Congrats on the new column!! That’s so fun! Can’t wait to read the raunchier side of Aunt Becky every Tuesday.

    Seriously, nice job doll:)

    Well, thank you! I’m a little nervous. I gave up the raunchy on here ages ago. Why, I’m not sure. I think it’s better suited over there anyway.

  12. On September 1st, 2009 at 10:41 am Alyssa Says:

    Ahhhh soo tacky!!! What were they thinking?

    The same could be said for all the French Impressionistic reprints on the walls. BLECH.

  13. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:41 am Lucy Says:

    You didn’t take down your Christmas decorations last year! And, like everything else, I suppose you’re going to blame this on your pregnancy.

    This was a picture from the walk through of my house! Trust me, I would NEVER have left all that shit up.

  14. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:01 am Cara Says:

    The sex…ah yes, the sex. Hubs did the dishes last night just for the sex!

    Bwahahaha! Loves it!

  15. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:01 am Sara Says:

    I’m totally inventing the “fake flower shot” for my next drinking party. I’m thinking something an unnatural shade of pink or yellow will be appropriate…

    You have to put the recipe up! I really think it needs like 43 garnishes on the shot.

  16. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:04 am Mrs Soup Says:


  17. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:06 am Kelly Says:

    Can’t wait to check out your column, but I’m a little scared to open that link at work… I will visit it tonight.

    Hahaha! Yeah. I don’t know if the site is safe for work. No penises like dancing in the sidebars or anything, but still. I get it.

  18. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:09 am Twitter Trackbacks for Mommy Wants Vodka ยป Blog Archive ยป Viewer Discretion Is Advised [] on Says:

    […] First Tweet 57 minutes ago mommywantsvodka Aunt Becky Highly Influential Fake Flowers? Did someone request FAKE FLOWER SHOTS view retweet […]

  19. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:25 am Kelly Says:

    Ummmm,……. pretty flowers. I think the sight of them struck me dumb.

    You should have seen the awesome sculptures on my ugly 70’s fireplace. She lined up all of these kissing kid sculptures. It. was. awful.

  20. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:27 am MK Says:

    Ha – you’re on the blog list with other “funny vaginas!”

    fake flowers. Just not right. Ever.

    Vaginas are pretty funny.

  21. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:30 am Caron Says:

    Did they have a wedding explode in the back yard?

    I think it was just an explosion of supremely bad taste.

  22. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:49 am Kori Says:

    You bitch. THERE are those flowers from my yard! ๐Ÿ™‚


  23. On September 1st, 2009 at 12:24 pm Lori in Denver Says:

    The petals of your inner sanctum are lovely.

    How’s THAT for veiled raunch?


  24. On September 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm Alicia Says:

    Those are some seriously happy spring flowers in the dead of winter and snow. Heh.

    Right? I KNOW. They’re MAGIC flowers!

  25. On September 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm daisybv2 Says:

    Well I had to sign up for that site just so I can vote for your sexy a**!!!!

    So you owe me some love yo

    You come on over. Aunt Becky will hug all over you.

  26. On September 1st, 2009 at 12:43 pm kyslp Says:

    I have a pretty vivid imagination and a tendancy to imagine the worst but you, my friend, have topped them with that picture. Must make jello shooters to drown out that image.

    Totally voted for you.

    Crotch talk rules and should be on Public Radio.


  27. On September 1st, 2009 at 12:46 pm Lisa Says:

    Holy Moly – FUNNY stuff on your link! I guess instead of finding a good place to hide the porn at your house, you will have to lock down the posts. The Daver will really have a heart attack if he hears Amelia reading this one out loud to her friends during a sleepover… And our dads thought keeping the Playboy out of sight was a big deal… Good times, good times…

    My dad always kept the Playboy OUT. For the articles.

    Does this explain much about me? PROBABLY.

  28. On September 1st, 2009 at 12:47 pm Beautiful Mess Says:

    “Crotch talk” sounds so disturbing. Not because it’s YOUR crotch that you’re talking about but because it sounds like someone’s crotch is doing the talking. Weird, just weird.

    Lovely flowers. I don’t get fake flowers. Yes they can brighten up your house, but not the outside! And if you have em inside you have to dust them! I have enough shit to do around here. I don’t need anything else. I wonder if she was mentally ill…..Hmmmm something to think about.

    I just love you.

  29. On September 1st, 2009 at 12:51 pm Andrea Says:

    Ok so 1) I totally voted for you today cuz I love you and want to be you when I grow up and 2) I am not scared of your crotch or the sex. I would read all about them both if you wrote it!

    You’re da bomb! (Do people still say that?)

    I will happily be talking about my crotch EVERY TUESDAY. Poor you guys.

  30. On September 1st, 2009 at 1:06 pm Mwa Says:

    HORRIBLE flowers!

    Really liked the column, by the way. Left comment over there.

    Aw, thank you!

  31. On September 1st, 2009 at 1:28 pm Kristin Says:

    I am doing fabulously…even better now that I read your other column.

    So, so glad. It was HILARIOUS.

  32. On September 1st, 2009 at 1:39 pm Bluebird Says:

    Thoroughly enjoyed the crotch talk ๐Ÿ™‚ But poor Daver!!!

    The Daver deserves a medal.

  33. On September 1st, 2009 at 2:30 pm Kat Says:

    Ahhh, fake flowers. The only time I like them is when they’re still in the store and I happen to be wandering through the crafts section. I guess I think the fabric or whatever they use smells nice.

    Outside of that, I hate them so much that, when visiting the cemetery, I will take them off of my mother’s grave and walk them several rows down to someone else’s headstone.

    I don’t know what I would do if I saw them on a fence like that. I’m sure you should be awarded a medal of some sort having to witness the hideousness in the first place, not to mention take them down.

    I would do the same thing with the fake flowers on your mom’s headstone. Absolutely.

  34. On September 1st, 2009 at 2:32 pm Jenn Says:

    1. LOVE that entry at the other site, I’m still laughing. Kent came over to see what was so funny and he saw what the site was all about and just walked away – not a word. He’s easily embarrassed… he still calls orgasms “cookies” hahah.

    2. I voted for you. You are the only person I EVER vote for. Seriously.

    3. That picture is too funny. There is a person at the end of our road who has some plastic flowers “planted” around a tree in her front yard… yes, all year round. Some people are too awesome for seasons.

    Dude. THIS lady was too awesome for manners. Or taste.

  35. On September 1st, 2009 at 5:10 pm Jo Says:

    Wait a minute. You have a RAUNCHIER side? Huh.

    Good Lord no. I’ve employed a ghost writer.

  36. On September 1st, 2009 at 5:36 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Those are some scary fake flowers.

    umm….maybe it’s me….but your feed is not updating in my google reader. It has your last post being the 29th

    Guh? Really? Weird. I think a link got broken when I changed over or something (I ALSO got a spiffy new host!), hm.

  37. On September 1st, 2009 at 5:55 pm stephen geevers Says:

    How confusing. The crotch and sex is real and this “money shot” of flowers is fake? Becky are you faking your flowers? Does the Daver know or is it still good for him?

    What The Daver doesn’t know won’t hurt him ๐Ÿ˜‰

  38. On September 1st, 2009 at 6:37 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    I find the plastic flowers more offensive than talk of your crotch.

    Me too!

  39. On September 1st, 2009 at 7:42 pm Katy Says:

    so, first, i remember after taking an ambien, i came to check your blog. i don’t know why i needed to see if, at about 1 AM, you posted anything. that’s not really the point. i was high on ambien and i came here after you changed to your new layout and i thought, “ i must be REALLY high because i swear i’m seeing ‘alice in wonderland’ shit all over here.” turns out it wasn’t just an ambien-hallucination but you really did change it to ‘alice in wonderland.’ i like it. trippy.
    second, i have made an addition to my little tale on “toy with me.” it’s part of my second trip to that store…
    third, i have a similar fake flower story. my middle school was cheap and poorly-run, so instead of employing more gardeners to plant real flowers, they just trotted their happy asses to the nearest craft store and bought a bunch of silk flowers to “plant” in front of the school sign. to make it even more ridiculous, they changed out the flowers seasonally. no, really. for instance, when we got to school at the beginning of the year, there were bright summery flowers “planted”. then about october, they’d change them out for some orange-y and yellow silk flowers.
    i honestly don’t see a point for silk flowers. unless they are really cool and realistic, they usually suck. they get all dusty and fade. i say rip em out and put in like twinkle lights or something cool. or chili pepper lights. because, i mean, chili pepper lights are at least cooler than fake flowers.

    Bwahahahaha! The Ambien tripping story is killing me! I take Lunesta (yay!) and I’ll pop online while I wait for it to kick in, right? I swear, the stuff affects my fingers and I’m all Fat Fingered Joe over here.

  40. On September 1st, 2009 at 9:06 pm Meg Says:

    Seriously, I love the new page…. I’m so going to the other site to read what’s there just so I can silence the now sordid thoughts running through my head. And if you would like to visit Alberta sometime next spring I can hook you up with a yard just perfect for your type of gardening;)

    I would LOVE to come to Alberta! I’ve not been to Canada and I’d love to.

  41. On September 1st, 2009 at 8:19 pm Stone Fox Says:

    ahhh.. well. i look at that and my first thought was, “fcuk the fence. torch it.” my second thought was an image of the old owner, who in my vision is a heavyset older lady who favors muumuus – the shiny stretchy kind with (who knew?) floral prints, standing at that fence smoking and humming as she carefully strung those flowers through the lattice. in the background to her humming is some Scary Movie Moment music. i just creeped myself the fcuk out.

    Way to give me goosebumps, yo. *shudder, shudder*

  42. On September 1st, 2009 at 9:35 pm swirl girl Says:

    So I feel like I just fell off the turnip truck…

    I missed , like , everything from the past few weeks.

    love the new look…channelling your inner Alice in Wonderland, are we?

    any blog with a Huka tokin tapewormy thing is okay with me!

  43. On September 1st, 2009 at 11:37 pm Krissa Says:

    OH HELL! I AM PRETTY SURE I DIDN’T ASK FOR THOSE FAKE FLOWER SHOTS! That was bad! Some how crotch shots don’t even seem as scary!

    Bwahahahaha! I love you.

  44. On September 2nd, 2009 at 12:31 am Laura Says:

    …do you have any bleach in your cleaning cupboard? I think I need to pour some in my eyes after seeing those flowers.

    Hahahaha! I have plenty. Bleach is where I’m a viking. I love, love, love bleach.

  45. On September 2nd, 2009 at 1:39 am Tawnia Says:

    I voted for you! I love crotch talk… so count me in sista:)

  46. On September 2nd, 2009 at 3:08 am Totally deranged Says:

    The interior decorator deep within my heart is sobbing for you. One thing, regardless of the economic climate, there is never a shortage of bad taste…

    I think I’m going to have to beg your help when I do redecorate my house.. The outside, especially in the back, is covered. Those horrible flowers and hangings went into the trash THE MOMENT the ground thawed enough.

  47. On September 2nd, 2009 at 6:19 am deb Says:

    Vote? “Ask and ye shall receive.”

    Why thank you!

  48. On September 2nd, 2009 at 7:34 am a Says:

    Your garden seems to be missing a few things:

    1. A gnome
    2. A flamingo
    3. The bent over lady with her bloomers showing
    4. A lawn jockey

    Once you have those in place, the flowers will blend right in.

    You really, really love the word crotch, don’t you? It’s not one of my favorites…

    Crotch and I get all kinds of personal for awhile and then I forget about the word for years at a time. Until I remember, hey, crotch is a severely underutilized word, and I dust it off and pull it back out.

  49. On September 2nd, 2009 at 10:15 am tryingin2007 Says:

    nice! I’m off to vote for autie b!

    Aw, thanks!

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