Victory Tastes Like Bacon. Mmmmm Bacon. (etc)
Way back before we became full of The Sickness, Round Elventy-ninerish (I too am now full of The Sick) I caught what was likely The Dreaded Swine Flu of Ought Niner. I say that not because I was running around the house screaming “BRING OUT YOUR SWINE” and clanging a cowbell because honestly, I was too sick to even moan, let alone come close to anything resembling running.
Well, I was pretty fucking pissed at the pig who gave me The Swine and I decided in a feverish haze that I was going to sue the shit out of the pig on The People’s Court. Of course I told The Internet all about this, because obviously. I was very, very sick. Also, I was very, very stoned on cough syrup.
(did you know that they card you for cough syrup? THEY TOTALLY DO)
Well, Your Aunt Becky has a Best Friend who gave her a hand while she was sick (because she is full of The Awesome and you should hump her leg too).
And guess who won her case!!
Oh yes. The judge ruled FOR ME OVER SWINE FLU. I WON MY CASE ON THE PEOPLE’S COURT.*
I AM A CELEBRITY NOW BECAUSE I WAS ALMOST ON THE PEOPLE’S COURT! TAKE THAT SWINE FLU!
*rips off shirt and runs around room knocking stuff over and trying to start a riot in my living room like they do on Jerry Springer before realizing I was alone*
The cat eyeballed me warily and then goes back to sleep after licking her butt, the dog looked annoyed for a second before realizing that I wasn’t going to give him a treat and then resumed his life as a houseplant. The baby and the toddler napped on, oblivious to their ridiculous mother.
Next up, I am TOTALLY giving that pig a paternity test on Maury.
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While I wasn’t here, I was off doing other things (I am setting up a professional website like a BIG GIRL too!). It’s making me look way more prolific than I actually am.
First, I went to Divine Caroline and wrote about how I am an old fart this year for Christmas and what’s worse than anything is that it means that I’m turning into my parents. Since it’s the first thing I wrote there, the site is begging you to comment for some reason. Maybe it thinks I’m insecure or something. *shrugs*
Then I traveled up north to Canada to tell the story of when I was Satan’s Little Helper. I cannot believe I never blogged this before. Talk about previously repressed memories.
And lastly, it’s Beaver Talk With Aunt Becky at Toy With Me, where I’m talking about Girl Crushes. Besides my standard foul mouth, I think this is shockingly safe for work.
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*Isn’t that the coolest thing you’ve ever seen in your WHOLE LIFE? It’s a REAL signed picture! She didn’t fake it or anything! I have been laughing my ass off ALL DAY LONG. That’s getting framed and going on my wall.
That’s fucking awesome! Definitely made my day. Also, I’m pleased to be the first commenter! (Yeah I just said that on your page… It’s an honor.)
I am still peeing myself with glee. What a cool present.
My my, Busy Bee Becky!
Doesn’t it make me look like I was CRAZY busy? HA.
Hopefully that tasty tasty bacon didn’t come from a sick pig.
That’s why I overcook the SHIT out of it, right?
MMM. Bacon. Glad to see that the court ruled in your favor. They card you for Sudafed too.
Every time I get carded for Sudafed, I’m like, DON’T I LOOK TOO FAT TO BE A METH-HEAD?
LMAO! Oh God yea, I get that too. And we won’t even start on the looks one gets when birth-control is the item of choice…I feel judgement. I feel lots of judgement.
That? Is full of the awesome. Better than awesome. Awesome-er.
That is only the best thing I’ve seen in my life ever.
You shut your whore mouth! I am full of jealousy. It should be one of those fancy gold frames to
It’s going to HAVE to be one of those FANCY frames. I’ll string some of the pigs medallions around it.
Pig medalions and plastic pig noses, too. It is nothing without pig snouts.
That’s awesome!!!
I feel a little awkward commenting on my own awesomeness but I always comment so I won’t let awesomeness get in the way of my awesome comment. I too got a case of the Swines. I am going to sue you Aunt Becky because I was fine until you and I started chatting about YOU being sick. Then I got sick. So when you come to Nueva York be prepared to go head to head with me. Also, I am taking you to Maury because you need to get off the crack. Kisses!
That is freaking awesome!
Dude. That totally rocks.
I’m all sorts of jealous.
Holy shitballs! That is the coolest picture EVER!
I’m with the lady of the house – come to nueva york will ya!
the only thing more awesome would be if you had gotten a signed pic from Judge Wapner.
OMG! Awesome!
Sometimes I feel in awe of the life you lead!
That’s framed on the wall. RIGHT?
That is wicked awesome. I would so hang that in my living room.
Oh, God, I think I have it. I woke up feeling like death this morning. Not death warmed over, just cold hard death. Luckily Oscar still seems pretty chipper and swine (and fever) free, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. He has been vaccinated, but Darin and I have not, so we’ll see.
Thanks for the laugh! I hear that laughter and fan girl worship (you are my only only) cures the piggy flu. And maybe…bacon? Like homeopathic or vaccine science? Bacon to fight bacon? I may have to try that.
That is totally fuckin cool!! I heart Marilyn Milian!! And I am totally going to watch you on Maury as long as you PROMISE to say how you ain’t never even been with nobody else in your whole life an shit!!
Apparently I have swine too. But I am not out on my ass I am hacking up stuff nobody has business seeing.
It’s pretty grody, huh. Stupid swine.
That is awesome. Your toy with me site cracks me up. And fuck the swine flu. It is just a damn flu. Gawds.
Oh and mmmmm bacon.
But have you seen the Fear Segment in your news? IT’S THE SWINE FLU OF DOOOOOOOOOOM!
The Daver and your kids will never be bored in life with MamaAuntBecky.
Have you ever tried suing god?
I’m pretty sure that not being bored is why Dave married me.
Dude, that is soooo cool! I’m a little sad that I can’t be your witness now, since your claim seems to have been settled out of court. Damn swine flu. Hooray for People’s Court!
You can come on Maury with me, okay? You can, uh, be my “sister” and help me start a riot when the pig is proved to not be the father.
*rubs hands together*
This is gonna RULE.
It’s crazy, it’s harder to score sudafed than my beloved vicodin. My god, what’s next? Controlled alcohol sales? What is the world coming too???
*shakes fists at sky*
Girl you are going to kick ass where ever you go!
Kickin’ ass and takin’ names.
NO FUCKING WAY BEX!!! I am a people’s court fanatic!!! And I LOVE Judge Marilyn! If not for this pesky job, I’d be watching it right now in my underwear!
Seriously, that is crazy hilarious!
That is too cool! Way to go on winning your case!
*puffs up my chest and struts around*
Thank you. I knew she would side with me.
Did Rusty the bailiff hand-deliver it to you? Now you need to get one of those talking frames for it and record the theme song so you can play it every time you walk into the room.
This, THIS is why I am in love with you.
And here I thought it was because of my luscious rack and sweet ass. 😉
*waggles eyebrows*
Shit woman….you are a wonder! How in the heck do you get it all done and then have time to win your case on People’s court??
Speed. And apparently, cough medicine.
I’m so jealous that you beat a pig in court.
Carding people for cold medicine! WTF IS UP WITH THAT?? It pains me that they are punishing the people with boogers. I picked up a prescription last week and they carded me for the NyQuil…huh?
I think we should just let the meth addicts kill themselves with it…survival of the fittest. Or the smartest…whatever. I’d rather have my fat ass than bad skin and no teeth.
Now I am going to get a bunch of crybaby comments about how people have issues…and I shouldn’t judge. Maybe the people’s court will send me a signed picture telling me that The Internet has sued me over being a big meanie to “addicts”.
Boo-friggety-who!
Can I sue dust? Cause I am totally losing my mind with allergies.
I always want to be all “DO I LOOK LIKE A METH ADDICT?” but then I get all joking about bombs in the airport and back the fuck off. Because, you know, it’s not their fault.
That is freaking amazing! I laughed my ass off too.. YAY you won!! Or had been on it… but the picture is still amazing!
I am not kidding when I say I am going to frame it. That motherfucker is going on my WALL.
Yesterday you asked for favorite posts……..I gave a couple but another is when you write letters to your television boyfriends. Those are funny.
I think that Dexter is getting a letter soon. I didn’t love on him until recently and now, well, hearts are flying everywhere.
Yesterday you asked for favorite posts……..I gave a couple but another is when you write letters to your television boyfriends. Those are funny.
I am so excited to see your love letter to Dexter……..
Dexter, mmmmmmm, Dexter.
When I pick up my adderall at the pharmacy (which really is meth!) they hand it right over but I try to buy some DayQuil and I got carded!!!!
If you go on Maury for the paternity test be sure to insist you haven’t slept with anyone else. Even if you are on like your fifth test or something. And be sure to jump up and try to rip someone’s hair out so the bodyguards can pretend to hold you back.
Man, I’m going to have to put the kids to bed super early tonight to read all your post all over the place.
Oh, when I go on Maury, I’m going with like 25 guys that I’ve “not slept with” that will all be tested and each time I’ll be like, “well, it was just him. AND I KNOW HE’S THE DADDY.”
Then I’ll rip my shirt off and run around. Because, obviously.
Love it! This story was awesome. Hope your feeling less swiney. Piggy? Bacony? Whatever.
that is the coolest!
I am so full of amazement that I could cry.
Ok, now you’ve really made it! I will check out your guest posts asap. (I’m drowning with real life duties right now.)
I feel so shitty sending you guys all over the place. Like a bad, bad blogger. But oh, so good.
Sweet! How do you have time for all that!?
Apparently, I never sleep. I have The Insomnia.
Ah! I’m so jealous. That’s awesome she sent that to you.
I am still pinching myself.
Christmas store read, liked and commented on, over at Divine Caroline.
About you question from yesterday, it’s not easy, because all your posts are good, and about a third of them are pure genius. 😀
Fun picture today – is she one of your faithful readers now? Because who knows, she might be 🙂
Cristina (aka blablabla34)
Christmas story read, liked and commented on, over at Divine Caroline.
About you question from yesterday, it’s not easy, because all your posts are good, and about a third of them are pure genius. 😀
Fun picture today – is she one of your faithful readers now? Because who knows, she might be 🙂
Cristina (aka blablabla34)
oh no – I just wanted to change “store” to “story”… sorry
Cristina
If she was one of my faithful readers, I would pee myself. Like in a good way. Seriously. I heart her.
I got a little bit ornery earlier today and said that I googled donkey porn and sweater kittens on the momslikeme website and my comment was removed. I really do hope that I make you proud…not that it was removed but that I used a couple of your phrases because you really are pretty awesome…anyway here was their reply…..
“I removed your comment on the Google thread with the pornographic references. We do not tolerate terms such as “donkey porn” or “sweater kittens.” We recognize you as a regular user and appreciate your participation but such abuse will not be tolerated.”
Oh. Em. Ge. That must have been a shining moment for you! Bwahahahahaha!
I’d be impressed if it were Judge Judy…but I’m glad you won your case!
Judge Judy would have cut me.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky and nic, Lady of The House. Lady of The House said: RT @mommywantsvodka: Victory tastes like BACON: https://mommywantsvodka.com/?p=2835 […]
I bow before your awesomeness. I’d so frame that…actually I’d send out Christmas cards (for the first time in my life) with that pic on it.
Thank you … the mental pic of you tearing off your shirt and trying to start a riot in your living room (all by yourself) made me laugh. I need a laugh.
I SHOULD TOTALLY SEND IT AS A CHRISTMAS CARD. I was GOING to send my colonoscopy shots, but this is better. GOOD CALL.
That picture is awesome! I love her!
But shit, now I am totally craving bacon. Fucking PMS.
Everything is better with bacon. EVERYTHING.
Well, shit I guess SO! That totally IS the coolest thing ever!
So I gotta know! How did you get it? Did a reader hook you up, or did she find you or did you write to her?
My friend that I linked to used to WORK for the People’s Court and knows her! So she totally had the judge do it as a gag for me when I got The Swine. Too freaking funny!
Judges are not respected by viruses. Nor is the court of law.
The court of bacon, on the other hand, rules.
Everything is better with bacon. Except for mayonnaise. Which is repugnant.
Way cool dude, I promise!! C would totally be jealous, she watches it while getting ready for work every.day.honestly!!
You have GOT to tell C! PLEASE?
OMG, I totally love the picture!
Isn’t that the coolest thing ever? IT SO IS.
how the hell do you DO all of this? is your bacon from red bulls??
I never sleep. Ever. Stupid insomnia.
Is that for real? That’s classic! I don’t even know really what you said after the People’s Court segment. I just started laughing and spit Corona at the screen.
I am new to the ways of Aunt Becky but I vote for the wet spot post because I just Have A Feeling About It.
And girl crushes, I know. Thanks for illuminating the whole, strange thing.
With Jerry Springer there would be a midget involved somehow.
Can’t wait to see your big girl website. I feel very big girl just in having my own domain now.
Wandering off to read your post on girl crushes. Night!
OMG, so cool!
Once again Aunt Becky came to the recuse! As I am chug-a-luggin my 3rd beer to drown my sorrows you have me spitting beer all over my laptop. THANK YOU! (Seriously, Thanks!!!!!)
I’m so jealous. Dude.
I *love* Judge Milian! Your cool factor just rocketed 47 points.
Oooo…I am back from the dark hole that is being without internets. 😉 And I am so glad I am, just so I can laugh with Aunt Becky again. Sigh. Everything is back the way it should be!
lol.
What can I say? It just never occured to me to SUE my illnesses. I’ve wasted all that money on doctors and medicines. NOW YOU TELL ME!
I am so glad you qualified the authenticity of the pic! But I believed you it was real all along.
You are uber cool to have the law on your side.
Having just gotten over a bout of the Most Dreaded and Evil SWINE FLU!!!11!! myself, I gotta say, this is the MOST AWESOMEST SWINE FLU!!!11!! POST EVER! You kicked the SWINE FLU!!!11!!’s ass in court! Whoo hoo! Go you, Aunt Becky! And that picture ROCKS! You must frame it an give it a place of prominence on your wall! And I don’t even watch the People’s Court! (I am a little giddy from finally being moderately healthy after two weeks of the damn flu, followed by the damn Sinus Infection from Hell. All hail antibiotics!)
And man, if I had thought of it, and had I not been feeling like microwaved death that had been hit by a bus and run over by a steam roller, how much would I have loved to go ‘running around the house screaming “BRING OUT YOUR SWINE” and clanging a cowbell’? That is such a fabulous image! The SWINE FLU!!!11!! cannot defeat us! Bwahahahaha! (Perhaps I need to get some more antibiotics. Or maybe Valium.)
you have a *perfect* 100 comments and I didn’t really want to mess that up, but thought – what the hell – she won’t mind.
What kind of frame are you putting her in?? It’s too divine.
That was a great thing, for her to send you her ruling on a signed picture!
Hahaha that is too cool!
That…is FULL of The Awesome.
You are TELLING me. I nearly passed out from the sheer awesomness of it all.
Yeah, that’s cool, but I’d be so much more impressed if Judge Wapner ruled in your favor 😉
OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That is awesome!!! Judge Marilyn Milian is my favoritest EVER, even more than goofy Judge Mathis and hottie Judge Alex. And I love me some goofy Judge Mathis and hottie Judge Alex.
That reminds me of when I was in high school, back when they used to have those ads flash on the screen before movies started. (Do they still do that?) There was a ridiculous real estate agent named John Goodman who advertised all the time, my friend and I used to make fun of how stupid/arrogant he looked. Then another friend asked her dad (another real estate agent who worked at the same office) to get his autograph for us, and he wrote some cheesy inspirational message. We giggled forever about it!
Wow, that story is much better in my memory than all typed out like that.
BACON!
…and dang, you gets a lot of comments, missy! I is impressed.
[…] I was reminded of the Great Hamdemic of Aught Niner. I was one of the lucky ones felled by the Swine Flu (I actually ended up SUING it at the People’s Court. I won. No, seriously. I did.) (I owe my […]