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Uh, Yeah. Can I Get That With A Side Of Child?


I woke up bright and bleary this morning (we shall not discuss the leaking, mmkay?) just in time to take Alex to the doctor. He has a rash. No, not a gross grody one, simple childhood excema.

This is not the interesting part of the story.

After we left, cortisone prescription in hand, I decided to reward myself for shoving stuff up my cooter with some Dunkin’ Donuts. Dunkin’ Donuts is possibly my favorite thing on the planet and for no apparent reason, we haven’t had it in ages. Probably because coffee makes me nauseous.

This is also not the interesting part of the story.

As I whipped my car around to the main street, where glorious Dunkin’ Donuts is located, I noticed that the KFC was out of business. This isn’t terribly surprising, as St. Charles isn’t known for loving fried chicken. Sadly.

Again, not very interesting.

When I pulled up to the stop sign, a two or three year old girl nearly darted in front of my car. I stopped, put the car in park and looked around for her parents. Not an intersection one would like a wee child roaming around in as it’s pretty fucking dangerous.

This is the interesting part of the story.

I saw another woman in a car trying to talk to this child, so I hopped out of my car to make sure that the child remained at least out of the road. Good, I thought, that lady must have that child. What was she THINKING letting a kiddo roam about here?

“Is this your child?” I bellowed to her.

“Nope.” She said as she joined me and Alex in the abandoned parking lot.

Years of little boys has made me perpetually nervous of little girls, but I looked at this one in her pretty Sunday dress and she melted my blackened heart a bit.

“Hola bebe,” I said to her, saying the first and last of my entire Spanish vocabulary that’s suitable for kids. I can say “You have small balls,” “More cheese, please,” and my favorite “Fuck your fucking mother, asshole” but save from screaming out colors at her (Rojo! VERDE!) my conversational Spanish is pathetic.

The lady and I looked at each other and looked around noticing a decided lack of concerned parents running out toward this child. I cannot stress enough how this is NOT the place a child should walk ALONE.

“We should call the police,” she suggested. I agreed, sadly. I’d wanted to just return this obviously well-loved child to her home and have my bagel and coffee without a side of remorse. I knew the police would probably give her to DCFS to sort out who she is.

We all sat down on the pavement waiting for the police to come. “GATO!” I nearly shrieked, remembering the word for cat. This kid–even at 2–was bound to think I was the Village Idiot. “Gato,” she replied, looking around for a cat.

Sure enough, the police showed up (there’s not much to do out here but bust underage smokers) and took my new wee friend to DCFS where they could locate her family for her. I felt terrible leaving her, maybe it’s the added progesterone, maybe it’s that I’m getting soft in my old age, or maybe I just felt maternal toward a child that was not my own. My heart is sad for her, and I hope that her family does report her missing and isn’t afraid of being deported in the process.


What’s the weirdest thing YOU’VE found on the side of the road?

posted under Cheaper Than Rehab
53 Comments to

“Uh, Yeah. Can I Get That With A Side Of Child?”

  1. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:04 am deb Says:

    Ugh! That story is horible. Makes you wonder about people. We had something similair but it was in our neighborhood. We were walking with the dog and this little fella in a diaper – and nothing else (in February, mind you) was just wandering the streets. We tried to find where he belonged but he was too little to tell us. Just when I was about to pull out my cell, a man came running out from about 4 houses down. Seemingly drunk and screaming at the little fella – Yeah buddy it’s his fault he got out of YOUR house while you should have been watching him. He did not even acknowledge us! Now I know kids are fast and can scoot away from you – but I cannot understand how this little thing (seriously maybe 18 months or so) could get out of the house and been gone for that long without anyone noticing.
    That really fries my taters!
    And OMG! I love dinky donuts. My fav!

  2. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:05 am Mrs.Spit Says:

    Ahh, poor kid. ..

    I always get struck by the single shoes by the side of the road. Hello, you have two (2) feet?

    Wierdest things by my house:
    – can of garage door lubricant (someone huffing the propellant, likely)
    – 40 gallon bucket of dry wall mud (has come in mighty handy)
    -Jerry Can (I don’t want to know)

  3. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:05 am Backpacking Dad Says:

    Well it wasnt’ by the side of the road; it was by the side of the railroad tracks out in the woods back behind town. My friends and I were out walking in the ’50s to go check it out because one of them, the fat one, had overheard his brother talking about it with a friend. So he gathered us all together in our treehouse and we decided to go on a camping trip.

    Along the way my friend Wil Wheaton told a great story about a puking fat dude and ended up with leaches on his crotch.

    It was a great weekend.

  4. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:22 am Lola Says:

    A drunk, puking loser for a father with his little son on the side of the road. We stopped only because of the bent over puking loser and the scared little boy’s face, cracked the window to ask what was up and if they were okay. The loser father told us they were fine and to mind our “fucking business.” The boy, probably four or five, said, “We crashed the car, and Daddy wants us to run home, but we don’t live near here.” NICE!!

    My husband wanted to give them a ride. I wanted to beat the shit out of the dad and give the kid a ride home, but the police came screaming around the corner before we had to make a choice.

    Thankfully, there was a nice police woman who grabbed the boy right away and got him out of there so he didn’t have to witness the rest.

  5. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:37 am Rayne of Terror Says:

    Holy crap.

    The weirdest thing I found in a parking lot was my niece who was quite young at the time. We were all in Seattle for a wedding and I was crossing the street to get coffee, when I found a little blonde girl who looked strikingly like my neice. I said, little girl, are you my niece A? SHe said yes she was. I asked where her mom was and she said at the grocery store. So I took her with me across the street to the grocery store (where the coffee was anyway) and her mom was not there. Eventually her mom and siblings arrived and were relieved that little bity A was with me. I guess she had been wandering around the parking lot waiting for her family to get ready to leave the hotel for coffee/groceries when I found her. Alarming for us all.

  6. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:43 am DD Says:

    Wait… You were looking to shove some Dunkin’ Donuts up your cooter?

  7. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:46 am paisana Says:

    I also found a kid (not in a parking lot, on the street) on my way to work one day. I was exiting a bus and this cute litte two year old in pigtails comes tearing up to me, grabs my leg, and says “Mama?!”

    First and last time I’ll ever be called that, I tell you.

  8. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:50 am tash Says:

    Similar story, actually. Insanely busy 4-lane highway in VA with a median in the middle (Rt. 7 in case anyone wants particulars), and one day on the way home from some stupid errand saw a toddler — probably 2-3 — sobbing and tootling his way down the median.

    THE MEDIAN. Which means somehow he made it across two busy lanes of traffic, OR, someone dumped him on the median. Of course traffic is flying, so I quickly maneuver over but by the time I stop my car, realize that two other drivers on the other side were trying to figure out how to get to him and behind them a police car had pulled up. So I left. I never did figure out how that story ended, but I’m sure it wasn’t good.

    And thanks, cuz now I want a donut.

  9. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:56 am ally Says:

    Two items from the SLC:
    clusters of polygamists: those hairdos are HOT, so I let them slide

    neighbors with so many kids, they can’t keep track: nothing is more fun than a 3-year-old banging on doors at 6:30 in the morning with nothing but pj bottoms on

  10. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:59 am Leslee Says:

    My son was quite the little escape artist when he was a little one. We didn’t live in a very good part of Flint, either. I was getting ready for a meeting at work when he escaped the first time. We knew he had figured out how to open the door and work the locks, so we put on of those eye and hook ones at the top of the door where he couldn’t reach it. That little shit turned the handle and held it as he bumped his little booty against the door. I thought I had him distracted when I went back to get dressed, but I suddenly noticed it was just a teensy bit too quiet. When I went out to the living room, he was gone and the door was WIDE open. >_< I took off running out the door, yelling for him, but he was no where to be seen. One of the old creepy drunk dudes told me he thought that he had seen him running toward a busy road. Then this chick stuck her head out the door and said she saw him go to Burger King. I ran over there and flew in the backdoor with no shoes on, right past 4 cops. I found my little boy, standing in line with everyone else who was there. he didn’t have a shirt or shoes on and it was the middle of winter. I scooped him up and asked what he was doing and he said he wanted to “order chickens mommy!” Scared the SHIT out of me! I thought for sure those cops where gonna call protective services on me, but they just kept shoveling food in thier mouths.

    He got out 2 other times when I was at work and my ex-husband was asleep in the couch. He went to the Wal*Greens on the corner the first time and then to the Rite Aid across the busy busy street the seond time. I wanted to kick my ex-husband’s ass!

  11. On June 19th, 2008 at 12:05 pm heather Says:

    I found my husband on the side of the road once. He’d fallen through a window and was being questioned by the cops. Ah, what a great birthday memory.

  12. On June 19th, 2008 at 12:25 pm Sara Says:

    We found a chinese kid once. Except, he was 14, and one of our friends. We made him steal a traffic barrel, and he got spooked and ran from imaginary cops.

  13. On June 19th, 2008 at 12:32 pm Heather Says:

    OMG! I can’t believe you found a child. I’ve often wondered what I would do if I found a child wondering along the side of the road but never thought it would actually HAPPEN to anyone I know.

    I hope her parents come to get her soon and it was simply a I went to the bathroom and when I came out she was gone story instead of a I got drunk and passed out on the couch story.

    Perhaps there will be a story in the paper and you can let us all know the outcome.

  14. On June 19th, 2008 at 12:48 pm Anita Says:

    I haven’t found anything on the side of the road but did tell Sgt that I found one of our cats there when I was driving home from work. It was a cute little calico that I spotted in a pet store and bought. Knowing Sgt would be a bit pissed I made up a grand tale of finding her next to her dead mother on the side of the road. For years he believed me until my brother told himwhat a gullible shit he was.

    Do you think if you caled the station the police would tell you what has become of the little one?

  15. On June 19th, 2008 at 1:15 pm Jenn Says:

    What the fuck is wrong with people?! Honestly. That sort of happened to me once, only it was just that a kid wandered into my yard and started drawing with our sidewalk chalk. She was there playing for over an hour before her babysitter came to get her. She’d been talking to a friend and hadn’t even noticed the girl was missing until just before she came to get her. Some people.

  16. On June 19th, 2008 at 1:15 pm Cheryl Says:

    Besides some of the horrifyingly retarded comments above (okay, I kind of liked Backpacking Dad’s b/c it was creative) the thing that scares me MOST about this story is how many people noticed that little girl and did NOTHING?

    So… you should at least give yourself some kudos for stopping & making sure she was okay, even if it meant she got hauled off w/ Child Services.

    A friend of mine was coming home to Long Beach from work in Garden Grove on the 405 fwy and saw a little boy wandering on the shoulder of the road. He stopped, thank G-d. Once the police arrived it turned out the little boy of THREE was notorious as an escape artist from the housing development behind the freeway wall. But I have to wonder what the hell his parents are doing that he was able to get out time & time again, let alone through a cinder block wall onto one of the busiest freeways in Southern CA.

    Breaks my heart, I’ll tell ya what.

    You’re a good mama for stopping. ‘Nuff said!

    Cheryl ~
    @jasperblu on twitter

  17. On June 19th, 2008 at 1:18 pm birdpress Says:

    I’ve found lots of animals (I break for things), but never, ever a child! I’m glad you were there to help. Poor kid.

  18. On June 19th, 2008 at 1:53 pm Amanda Says:

    Who the heck does that? Who leaves their kid around a busy intersection? Bizarre.

    I’ve found a dog (not mine) and a cubic zirconium ring (maybe whoever owned it found out it was fake and chucked it out the window?).

  19. On June 19th, 2008 at 2:14 pm natalie Says:

    i can’t even imagine! honestly i have no words for how this makes me feel!

  20. On June 19th, 2008 at 2:50 pm chris Says:

    Aunt Becky,

    I’ve found a child too, but fortunately, we were able to locate the parents befor calling the cops.

    Make sure you come by tomorrow…I’m working on my post that is somewhat related to your story.

  21. On June 19th, 2008 at 3:46 pm T Says:

    oh this one is good. This happened just recently. I was driving home and passed a bike leaning against a large bush. I also noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes. That’s all I could see – just a foot.

    Now I am figuring some ass was riding his bike drunk and fell into the bushes. But I have kids. So I pulled over, grabbed my cell phone and approached with caution.

    He was maybe ten and crying hysterically. He had apparently fallen, gotten stuck in the bushes and his friend rode away without him.

    I helped him out of the bush and checked him out – he was more embarrassed then anything and he lived pretty close – so I left. Feeling pretty good about myself.

    Oh and I stop and get dogs all the time. Or call the officials if they look scary or unhealthy.

    I promised myself that the next dog I found on the side of the road was mine and then I found two New Foundland puppies. Do you have any idea how big those dogs get?

    So anyway – maybe the NEXT dog I find will be my destiny…

  22. On June 19th, 2008 at 3:59 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    That story is so sad. Where could her parents have been? I will be worrying about her for days now. I’m glad you were there to sit with her. You may not have been her mommy, but you are a mommy.

    Okay- weirdest thing I ever found on the side of the road (and I do a lot of walking) was a pregnancy test. It had been used. It was positive.
    I had to look.
    And once I found a deer leg, but that’s not SO unusual around here. But still- did a hunter just drop it? It wasn’t even by the side of the road. It was in the tiny park I walk through to get to my post office in the little village where I live, just lying there all by itself, no sign of it’s three other mates.

  23. On June 19th, 2008 at 4:41 pm Manny Says:

    “What’s the weirdest thing YOU’VE found on the side of the road?”

    My blog.

  24. On June 19th, 2008 at 6:03 pm ewe_are_here Says:

    I found a 2-3 year old wandering around in a very busy grocery store’s parking lot once, cryinig, with cars literally driving around her. I was so angry. Another woman and I scooped her up and took her into the big grocery store and asked that they make an announcement…. Sure enough, a woman had left her asleep in the car, knowing she’d panic and get out of the car if she woke up.

  25. On June 19th, 2008 at 6:48 pm Candace Says:

    Some people should not be parents at all. That is all I am saying.

  26. On June 19th, 2008 at 7:07 pm Susan@stopcallingherthat Says:

    I can’t decide if I’m more angry or relieved. Well done, you!!

  27. On June 19th, 2008 at 7:26 pm Kymberli Says:

    What the hell is wrong with people?

    I found sixty bucks in a parking lot a couple of months ago. It was folded over with a paper clip with a post-it note stuck to it that said something like, “Next the fire, first the burn”. Said money got burned right through my pocket.

  28. On June 19th, 2008 at 7:57 pm magpie Says:

    Oh poor child. I hope she’s okay.

    And you, I’m glad you’re okay, progesterone not withstanding. Just think, it could be worse – instead of suppositories it could be injected progesterone in oil. Such joy.

  29. On June 19th, 2008 at 8:28 pm andi Says:

    Aw, that’s sad. As for me, I haven’t found anything odd. I guess I’m missing out on all the fun.

  30. On June 19th, 2008 at 8:44 pm gingermagnolia Says:

    When I was a kid, my dad found a fox on the side of the road, dead. He put it in a garbage bag, put it in the freezer, and took it to the taxidermist to be stuffed. Yeah.

  31. On June 19th, 2008 at 9:20 pm docgrumbles Says:

    You know her mother never shoved any hormones up her hooha. It just isn’t fair.

  32. On June 19th, 2008 at 9:28 pm DC Says:

    That’s really sad. I’m glad you stopped to help! I’m super curious to know the story behind how the baby got away from her caregiver(s).

    The strangest thing I’ve ever seen on the side of the road: a homeless man who used to live on a street corner of downtown L.A.. He was usually naked, and he hopped up and down like a frog. He also had “pet rats” that crawled all over him. Oh, and he was at a public bus stop! Needless to say, I did not pick him up or bring him home with me.

  33. On June 19th, 2008 at 11:07 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    Ugg. That’s HORRIBLE. Poor baby. I feel so bad for the little girl.

    You did the right thing, for sure . . .

  34. On June 20th, 2008 at 12:09 am kate Says:

    sigh. yeah.

    i found a check for $50,000 in 8th grade during our annual “trashathon”. i won for weirdest piece of trash found that year.

    i grew up in aspen, so there ya go.

  35. On June 20th, 2008 at 4:33 am Wishing4One Says:

    OMG how sad. I hope the family claims her back.

    You know the absolute most UNBELIEVABLE thing I saw on the side of the road was a naked man jogging covered in dust. And this was here in EGYPT, un-freaken-believable!

    Love ya Beck and hope you’re feelin fine…xoxoxoxo

  36. On June 20th, 2008 at 8:30 am LAS Says:

    That story makes me so sad – mostly because it triggers all my own feelings of being abandoned. Though I was abandoned right in my own house basically. I hope she just wandered off and that she wasn’t left there.

    Anyway – just catching up here – just wanted to tell you that I am thinking about you!!!

  37. On June 20th, 2008 at 8:38 am kbreints Says:

    It always perplexes me the children you see that are far to young to be alone walking around the streets ALONE. Where are the parents? Holy cow. What a terrible thing to have to do. Though I think that you did the right thing for sure!

  38. On June 20th, 2008 at 9:09 am MsPrufrock Says:

    What the fuck is this, Dickensian London? What, with all the parentless street urchins wandering around…Seriously, all of these tales are messed up. Who knew there were so many toddler/pre-school age waifs and strays milling about?

    I found a busted George Clinton tape on the side of the road when I was about 13. I got a lot of enjoyment out of the fact that it was called,”Hey Man, Smell My Finger”. Yeah, I don’t know either.

    As for progesterone leakage – awesome AND hot.

  39. On June 20th, 2008 at 9:38 am As American as Apple Pie Says:

    Karen had a stupid parent child experience on her blog a week or too ago. I’ll say the same thing here. It pisses me off how some people are allowed to be parents when there are wonderful, loving people who can’t have kids at all.

    Good job on doing the right thing. You rock Aunt Becky.

    Oh, and now I want donuts. I’ll have to run an errand later.

  40. On June 20th, 2008 at 9:57 am tony Says:

    Strangest thing I ever found was a box of sex toys. Seriously. I just left it there. I sure as HELL wasnt going to touch it.

    the creepiest thing was better, though. it was a neatly folded set of womens cloths (shoes, right down to underwear) with a gold crucifix laying on top. I should also mention this was on the bike path bridge in Algonquin in December of (probably) 1987 or so…

  41. On June 20th, 2008 at 10:15 am RhoRho Says:

    Omigosh, the little bambino. How fucked up. WIth a beautiful little girl ,believe me you keep them on a tight leash., Sometimes even a literal and not figurative one…and i love your Spanish vocab. Please share…you have small balls and fuck your fucking mother, asshole…I’m a little rusty.

  42. On June 20th, 2008 at 10:37 am A Soldier's Girl Says:

    OMG!!! How scary for everyone involved! Thank God she didn’t get ran over or kidnapped…:(

    Hopefully she has family who cares for her (probably not her parents). So sad….

    Wierdest thing I found…actually it was right in front of my house ~ a vibrator!!! I was so disgusted (not at the vibrator, but at the thought that someones juices were on my curb!) I have no idea how that thing got there, but I got the shovel, picked it up & put it in the trash 🙁

  43. On June 20th, 2008 at 10:52 am Don Mills Diva Says:

    Aww – what a sad, sad story – will the police let you know what happens to her?

    I found $50 on the side of the road once. It was a good day.

  44. On June 20th, 2008 at 11:01 am chicory Says:

    lordie, you get a lot of comments!

    We once met a little 2 year old girl on the side of a road on a bad road, we ended up calling the police, too, but before they showed we found a woman claiming to be her mother. Did NOT leave me with a good feeling in my chest. I blogged about it but can’t be bothered to go look up the link.

    I hope your little girl finds her family.

  45. On June 20th, 2008 at 12:28 pm DOC Says:

    I had a wild Turkey that got in the way of my car on an exit ramp on I-81 in rural Virginia one time and refused to move out of the road so I even got out of the car to shoo it away and it didnt want to move… I about had to run the darn thing over to keep going.

  46. On June 20th, 2008 at 2:44 pm Holly Says:

    Well it seems that since I have a home daycare and everyone in this area knows it I have random people BRINGING me lost children. Like um OKAY. I just take in strays – how about YOU call the cops. DUH!

  47. On June 20th, 2008 at 2:50 pm Robina Says:

    When I lived in Hawaii, I saw a little girl, maybe 2? Panties on and a cast on her arm. Walking down the road. I called the police. They came to the house. At that moment the police arrived a woman came screaming down the road about her daughter always getting out, blah blah blah. But it kept happening, and no one ever did anything about it!

  48. On June 20th, 2008 at 8:21 pm honeywine Says:

    Weirdest thing on the side of the road? An emu. Scary sucker when it pops out in front of the car at dusk! Fortunately, it was one of Dad’s that had escaped. It took nearly a month to catch that thing. The rest of the time it just roamed the swamps.

    So sad about the little girl. There are many illegal immigrants around here, and we were at the local grocery store where such a couple was with their newborn. The baby kept crying and you could see the fear in the mother’s eyes especially when one of the cashiers jokingly told the manager to play with the baby and keep it quiet. I felt so for her. I’m sure she never relaxes one bit. 🙁

  49. On June 20th, 2008 at 8:59 pm Io Says:

    Hm. Somebody found me as a three year old once when I escaped the cruel clutches of my mother and decided to walk to the candy store. I was almost there when she scooped my up and made me tell her where I came from. Rude.

  50. On June 21st, 2008 at 11:00 pm Kim Says:

    How scary! I have never found anything out of the ordinary on the side of the road, but I do try to rescue dogs whenever I see them wandering around. Luckily most of them have tags and can be returned! nclm

  51. On June 22nd, 2008 at 12:17 pm Amanda Says:

    I’m sad for the baby. That’s pitiful.

    But I love your Espanol.

  52. On June 23rd, 2008 at 9:00 am Kristine Says:

    I found a pair of panties. I did not pick them up though. Because eeewww.

    That poor baby.

  53. On June 11th, 2018 at 8:40 pm Steve Says:

    Great blog. Are you still active?

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