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Twi Hard

Yesterday at 1:14

Me: “You know what I don’t get? TWILIGHT.”

Lauren: “Oh Em Eff Ge I LOVE those books.”

Me: “How can you read them? Stephanie Meyer can’t write herself out of a paper bag?”

Lauren: “I may have also seen every movie opening night.”

Me: …sputters… (eye twitches)

Lauren: “Haha.”

Me: (googles “how to understand Twilight if you haven’t read it,” then thoughtfully erases it from the search box in case someone wandered by and accidentally saw that I’d googled anything about Twilight. Filled search box with “why is orange a color and a flavor?”)

Me: “Okay, I found something that sorta explains it to me.”

Me: (reads)

Lauren: “Is it helping?”

Me: “Not really – why does Bella love that one dude that has a shirt on?”

Lauren: “Because she’s marked for love with *swoons* Edward.”

Me: (goggles at her) “Wait, so in this land everyone has a “soulmate?”

Lauren: “Well, vampires do.”

Me: “I feel myself getting dumber.”


Today 9:34

Me: “So I’ve thought about this whole “Twilight” thing and I realized that I’ve changed my mind.”

Lauren, “Yeah?”

Me: “I figure anything that gets those cretins we call “tweens” reading and away from Justin Bieber… well, that’s a good thing. And really, there’s no reason to hate the series – I don’t want to be one of those pretentious asshats who’s all ‘lookit me, I HATE something that’s MAINSTREAM.'”

Lauren: “Absolutely.”

Lauren: “I’ll bring you in one of the books.”

Me: (googles “Twilight quotes” and comes across a gem about Bella, the angrily constipated protagonist, who is now bleeding from the eyes.)

Me: “So wait – Bella is now bleeding from the eyeballs?”

Lauren: “Yeah, she must be a vampire now.”

Me: (goggles)

Lauren: “Vampires bleed from the eyeballs.”

Me: “You know you’re not making this decision any easier on me.”

14 Comments to

“Twi Hard”

  1. On March 18th, 2014 at 11:20 am Molly Says:

    Someone once explained “Twilight” to me this way: “It’s like soccer. Everyone runs around for two hours, nobody scores, and its million fans swear that you just don’t get it.”

  2. On March 18th, 2014 at 11:21 am Jenn Says:

    I needed something to read on a plane. So, I bought Twilight. When I got home, I told my husband it was the worst book I’d ever read. So, of course, he had to read it. Now I’m in trouble for MAKING him read the worst book ever.

  3. On March 18th, 2014 at 11:34 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I will let you know what I think on it. Spoiler alert: her writing makes me insane.

  4. On March 18th, 2014 at 11:39 am Beth Says:

    I confess it, I read all the Twilight books. It’s one of those situations where I find the universe and some of the ideas in it fascinating and pretty much all the main characters mind numbing… an odd position to find oneself in. Watch the movies with commentary on and enjoy Robert Pattinson making fun of the whole thing as well 😀

  5. On March 18th, 2014 at 12:00 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Now I want to see a MST3K of the Twilight movie (after I finish reading the book, natch!).

  6. On March 18th, 2014 at 12:51 pm Tiffany Says:

    The world would be a better place if Buffy staked Edward.

  7. On March 18th, 2014 at 1:21 pm Leeanna Says:

    I once fell asleep at my computer. When my head hit the key board, I found out I had written the 5th book in the Twilight series. Amazing huh?!?

  8. On March 26th, 2014 at 4:14 pm Roxie Says:


  9. On March 18th, 2014 at 5:11 pm Mishka Says:

    I tolerated the first book…there things about her style that definitely grated on my nerves, but the following books were basically crap and the movies pretty much were too…although have read all the books (because I am AR and have to finish a series when I start it) and have seen the movies because my girlfriends wanted to (fortunately only two of them were in movie theatres, the rest on HBO).

    Sad to say, I have seen all the Harry Potter movies and have not read one of the books and from what I can tell, the HP books are a million times better than Twillight…shame on me.

  10. On March 18th, 2014 at 6:24 pm Veronica Says:

    I read all three because I also hate to hate things just because they are mainstream. So now I hate them because they are the worst thing I have ever read. Bella is so awful by book 2 I only kept reading because I was sure there was a chance she was going to be killed. I was so disappointed when she (spoilers) wassn’t.

  11. On March 18th, 2014 at 7:56 pm GingerB Says:

    To cheer yourselves up, look up the Bad Lip Reading episodes on Twilight on YouTube. Seeing is believing! You really will feel better. Especially after you learn that there may have been a surge of babies named Renesmee after the baby-vampire-huntress spawned in book 3.

  12. On March 19th, 2014 at 10:26 am steph gas Says:

    there’s four books. i’ve read them all. i also have all five movies. and i’ve read and watched them numerous times. it’s complete drivel. COMPLETE. and i love it. i’d rather read that than people magazine or us weekly or whatever.

    it’s kind of romantic if you just look at it at face value – kind of like romeo & juliet, star crossed lovers and what not. but when you really dig into it, and get into sociocultural gender roles and expectations, it makes you want to gouge your own eyes out.

    but, yeah. if you just read or watch and take it at face value, it’s entertaining.

  13. On April 30th, 2014 at 4:40 pm Mommiebear2 Says:

    I have to admit – I love me some Twilight!!!

  14. On April 30th, 2014 at 4:40 pm Mommiebear2 Says:

    So craziness. I just posted the above and it gave me an error that I was posting comments too fast and to slow down. I thought I was losing my mind. Clever Aunt Becky.

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