Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Turns Out, I Can’t Be Bought So Easily.


I’m not a big fan of brands. I know that’s the big push in social media right now: branding yourself, but I think it’s kinda missing the point. What happened to writing because you love to write?

Anyway, I digress.

I was recently gifted a necklace from Tiffany & Co, a place that I’m fortunate enough to own many pieces of jewelry from, although not the type of jewelry that screams, “I bought this at Tiffany & Co,” because I’m not a fan of advertising for brands. Even brands I love.


(yes, I know I have an FCUK sweatshirt, but come on. That’s Comedy Gold)

The necklace was a gift from Dave’s previous employer for 5 years of dedicated service. That necklace is not enough.

I didn’t talk much about the problems I had with Dave’s job; not when so many of my Pranksters were facing far bigger economic issues than my own. I didn’t want to hurt anyone who reads my blog by complaining about my piddly problems.

Besides, I know better than to discuss money on blogs. It’s not classy. (we ALL know I put the “ass” in “classy”)

But I did have problems. Big ones. Bigger than I could have explained.

Like anything big, it started small. Dinners left cold as he had to take care of some work issue or another. Movies half-watched, leaving me on the couch alone, wondering if he’d be back to finish. Eventually, I learned that he wasn’t coming back.

I stopped waiting.

Work was what mattered to him and by proxy, it should matter to me, too. I mean, I told myself, it put the roof over my head and food in my mouth, and really, so what if my partner is emotionally checked out even when he’s sitting next to me? So many people had it so much worse. How could I be upset?

But I was upset. I was hurt. I felt abandoned…because I had been.

Rather than things getting better over time, they got worse. The kids and I became horrible distractions, things that got between Dave and work, and he’d snap at us for asking simple questions like, “when will you be done?” or “what do you want for dinner?”

I was known as a “(insert company name) Widow” at age twenty-five.

He started a new job last week, right after gifting me the Tiffany & Co necklace.

I’ve wondered on and off what I should do with it; something that was given by the very company who kept me in house and home but without a real partner. I considered selling it. I considered donating it. I considered marching it into the (insert company name) offices and giving it back; telling them that it wasn’t worth nearly enough.

In the end, I’ve decided exactly what I’m going to do with it. I’m going to get it engraved.

What’s it going to say?


It seems only fitting.

69 Comments to

“Turns Out, I Can’t Be Bought So Easily.”

  1. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:20 am Mrs Jenna Says:

    You’re coming to BlogHer this year, yes? Please bring this. I need to see it in person and then buy you a drink for being FUCKING AWESOME.

  2. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m thinking so. But I *hate* decisions and put them off until the last minute possible 🙂

  3. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:26 am Rachel Says:

    my husband is married to his work also. he’s a business owner, and i knew when i married him that his career would be very consuming. yay for a blogging hobby!

    anyway, hope things are better with your husband’s new job! good luck!

  4. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:28 am pbpdesigns Says:

    good to know you can’t be bought. (Now I have to rethink THAT whole idea, damn.)

  5. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:29 am Mark Says:

    Slam! You don’t write like a pussy, that’s for sure. What a unique perspective about a sad topic shared by many, I’m sure in one form or another, all over the world.

    I see great relief at hand, though, in the awareness of your words. The blistering pace brought on by the industrial revolution is coming to a head one way or another.

    It is in thoughtful posts as yours where the gold lining shows. Simple acknowledgement and thoughtful introspection are bringing all of us, some kicking and screaming, up to the next level of consciousness–or any other word you want to use in place.

    Thanks for that.

  6. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:30 am Emily R Says:


  7. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:30 am Meg Says:

    The Davers old company bought you a necklace??

    I think the future engraving suits it perfectly.

  8. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:31 am Ms Dreamer Says:

    Engraved, indeed. I’d wear that bitch proudly…Shut Your Whore Mouth facing out. When someone asks, you can flip it over and tell them you improved on Tiffany’s design!

  9. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:31 am Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    I feel like a massive whiny douche when I mention my husband getting called in, or he’s forced to work late because half the people he works with are complete idiots. Not only because some people don’t jobs, but also because he was home for a REALLY long time between deployments. But it’s still obnoxious. (I actually never got upset until the day he had to go into the office at 3 am because someone didn’t know their computer had to be plugged in before it could turn on.)

    LOVE the engraving idea. Now I’m thinking I should get “Oh blow me” added to the set of dog tags I wear while the husband is gone. (If not now, definitely when he finally gets out of the military.)

  10. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:33 am thepsychobabble Says:

    Dooooo eet!

  11. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:38 am Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    OHHHH I can’t WAITto see it with it’s new engraving. I am sooo excited! God I really do need to get a life of my own.

  12. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:42 am Jay Says:

    You’re my hero.

  13. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:43 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    I am so happy to hear that The Daver started a new job. Ever since you posted once about how much of a strain it was on you I’ve been worried for you both. So it’s a relief that maybe with the new job things will be different and, fingers crossed, better.

  14. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:46 am Sandee Says:


  15. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:47 am SciFi Dad Says:

    They gave him a necklace to leave? Was it something like, “Dude, we love you, but if your wife calls and bitches out the receptionist one more time we’re likely to have ‘a situation’, so take this and go”?

  16. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:52 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahaha. No, the necklace was an option from the (limited) Tiffany & Co catalog for the 5 years of service. And he didn’t want any of the stuff for him because it was lame.

  17. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:47 am Says:

    I love that engraving!

    Yes, I’m guilty of buying a loved one something from Tiffany’s, but I made sure it wasn’t one of those cheezy “property of” charms that are so damn common. It’s a simple heart necklace and she loves it.

    I’m with you on the branding. I’m not a walking talking sponsorship. Leave that to the NASCAR racecars.

    However, making eggs this Easter, my family and I were writing silly messages like “Eat Me” on eggs. I made a Louis Vuiton-designed egg that I was really proud of. I was half-tempted to take it to the mall and sell it as a purse accessory for $300… Some idiot would have bought it, I just know.

  18. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:52 am Kristin Says:

    The perfect solution!

    And, Aunt Becky is going to come to BlogHer because I have threatened to go to her house and drag her there if she doesn’t agree to come.

  19. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:52 am Beth Says:

    Considering we went through something very similar with my husband’s last employer (who was a total psycho), I feel you. We have an ugly glass paperweight celebrating his service to the company that we haven’t decided what to do with. I wish we had access to explosives, personally…

  20. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:58 am Teala Says:

    A Tiffany necklace can’t fix everything, especially your pain. BUT That’s a fabulous engraving. I want to put “SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH” on everything and say it to everyone. 😀

  21. On April 26th, 2011 at 11:58 am Melissa Says:

    First of all: Best engraving ever.
    Second of all: I totally agree with the lack of branding. I try to make a point of not wearing anything that screams the brand’s name; why should *I* pay *them* to advertise? If a company wants me to be a walking ad, they can either give me the item, or pay me.
    Finally: Yay for The Daver! I hope this gig works out for him better than the last.

  22. On April 26th, 2011 at 12:24 pm leanne Says:


    And congrats to you and the Daver on his new job!

  23. On April 26th, 2011 at 12:37 pm domesticating Says:

    I’m an “audit widow” and all I got was a lousy umbrella…and a husband who takes his blackberry with him to the toilet. Still they do pay him a lot of money to be on call 24/7/365 so I guess I can’t complain too much.

    Good luck on the new job!

  24. On April 26th, 2011 at 12:38 pm The Mommy Says:

    I have a pen that I got from that same Tiffany&Co catalog!! And my husband got some crystal bowl from them when he had been their 15 years (we worked for the same company back in the day and he still works there). For 20 years he got a GPS…that’s now in my Space Shuttle. He said, “I can’t wait to see what YOU get for 25 years!”

    I’m glad he found something better…but also glad you got a necklace from them first 😉

  25. On April 26th, 2011 at 12:40 pm Jennifer Says:

    And then send a copy to Tiffany and ask them if they would like to be a sponsor of your blog!

  26. On April 27th, 2011 at 4:38 pm Sarah Says:

    Yessss Dooo IT! Now.

  27. On April 26th, 2011 at 12:42 pm Kelly Says:

    Good for Dave for finding something new before he misses out on something really important at home.

    I worked retail for years, and missed so many holidays it was crazy. It’s hard to believe what a difference it makes to have a work/home life balance.

  28. On April 26th, 2011 at 12:42 pm SoberJulie Says:

    Sister you made me laugh out loud! I’m having a dark day and had no idea I could laugh. Fuckin hilarious and I totally get the 1/2 partner thing.

  29. On April 26th, 2011 at 12:46 pm Rusti Says:

    PERFECT. absolutely love it.

    also – I HATE branding. I rarely (if ever) wear clothing that advertises for a brand… I even dislike character clothes/toys/gear (which I can already tell is going to be a problem with my Dora-loving toddler… *sigh* oh well. I’ll fight the good fight as long as I can… until ya know, Hubs buys her whatever she wants.)

    I too feel guilty for complaining about my job, or Hubs’ job sometimes… we have sooo much to be thankful for… still… sometimes it sucks.

  30. On April 26th, 2011 at 12:55 pm Alida Says:

    I am a med school widow, so I completely understand what that feels like. Sometimes I have to smack hubby upside the head and say, “GUESS WHAT! JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE IN MEDICAL SCHOOL DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD! GET OVER YOURSELF!” He might be trying to save people’s lives and shit but I’m raising FOUR KIDS basically on my own, so every day that I don’t kill one I’m technically saving lives too.

    I love your idea for engraving your necklace! PLEASE take a picture of the Tiffany employee’s face when you take it in there at tell them what you want to say. It would be internet gold.

  31. On April 26th, 2011 at 2:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m going to see if I can sneak a video of it. Because seriously, it’d be gold.

    And being a widow to any job is so full of shit that it makes me stabby. I’m sorry you get it.

  32. On April 26th, 2011 at 12:58 pm Anne Says:

    You can’t put a price on your marriage, or the support of your partner. Honestly, I might go for “I’m not your bitch”.

  33. On April 26th, 2011 at 1:01 pm Kathy Miranda Says:

    My hubby is the same way you are – hates brands on what he wears. DO IT!!!

  34. On April 26th, 2011 at 1:18 pm Suniverse Says:

    That engraving will definitely make it classier. But you manage to class things up all the time, anyway. It’s that talent you have.

  35. On April 26th, 2011 at 1:30 pm Marie Says:

    I feel your pain AB… Except what kind of douche canoe do I feel like when I complain about my husband’s job.. he’s a Youth Pastor! “Quit helping those kids and being understanding and making big life differences in those bratty teens and come home at a normal hour! Oh, and tell them to just suck it up and love Jesus, K?” Right.. that works.

  36. On April 26th, 2011 at 1:31 pm Joker_SATX Says:

    To me, it’s a crime that in this country we live to work instead of work to live. But I have to admit, that your idea is this side of spectacular!

  37. On April 26th, 2011 at 2:01 pm Emily Says:

    DUDE!! That’s awesome! I woould probably get You’re An Asshat or You’re A Douche. Those are our favorite phrases in our house!

  38. On April 26th, 2011 at 2:04 pm Pam Says:

    At least you got something out of it—Hubs was just like that but with his mother. When she passed in June, 2010…let’s just say I didn’t shed any tears…I know, I’m hateful. But your engraving idea is perfect!

  39. On April 26th, 2011 at 2:13 pm Lauren Says:

    That sounds perfect. Those fuckers can go fuck themselves.

  40. On April 26th, 2011 at 2:13 pm JenniferB Says:

    OMG, you are writing about me and my husband!!! I mean, I know he’s a lawyer. But if I was going to be a work widow, shouldn’t I be a rich one who has a pool boy or something??? Yeah, what-to-tha-motherlovin-ever. I know all about the nastiness that ensues when you ask a loaded question like, “around what time will you be home?” ugh. And yes, I also feel guilty when I complain about this “piddly” problem. So, um, if the Daver has a new job, then I’m hoping there’s a congratulations in order??? I’m still waiting it out over here. Don’t know what’s in store for us. 🙁

  41. On April 26th, 2011 at 2:13 pm Lianne Marie Binks Says:

    I LOVE IT!!!!

  42. On April 26th, 2011 at 2:40 pm Sandi Says:

    Pick someone you hate and strangle them with it?

  43. On April 26th, 2011 at 2:56 pm Theresa Says:

    Glad he has moved on. New job will be better, yes?

    I think you should wear your necklace when you doing stuff like cleaning toilets or picking the eye goo off your dog. That’ll show em.

  44. On April 26th, 2011 at 3:17 pm bashtree Says:

    You are a genius. And I’m still waiting for my first purchase from Tiffany. Maybe I can find some diamonds in MY closet and cash them in 🙂

  45. On April 26th, 2011 at 3:20 pm Tershbango Says:

    Nothing says irony like a Tiffany necklace engraved with Shut Your Whore Mouth.

    Do it.

    I love it!

  46. On April 26th, 2011 at 4:00 pm Martha Says:


  47. On April 26th, 2011 at 4:27 pm Sylvia Says:

    OMG! This totally made my day. Wait till you see where I wore my SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH shirt. It was a big hit.

  48. On April 26th, 2011 at 4:59 pm Joules Says:

    Your problems are no more piddly than the next Prankster’s and you are set to be one klas-SAY lady with your pimped out Whore & Co. necklace.
    Hope the new job is the big fix. People need people, yo. And you deserve to have the people you need showing up.

  49. On April 26th, 2011 at 5:26 pm Sarah S Says:

    I couldn’t imagine a better solution. I can’t even get upset about the defacement of Tiffany’s jewelry because that is so hilarious!

  50. On April 26th, 2011 at 6:06 pm Andrea Says:

    Playing catch up and am laughing too much to decide which of your last three posts is my fave…especially when I get distracted by the “stealing gives you syphilis”. Is there any question as to which side of that charm will be facing out 99.9% of the time?! Love it!

  51. On April 26th, 2011 at 6:32 pm Amy Says:

    Curse me and my PMS
    Everything is making me cry today ~___~

    I’m glad to hear that you Daver has started a new job. I hope that means he gets to spend lots more time with you and the kids.

  52. On April 26th, 2011 at 6:41 pm katrina Says:

    PERFECT! Fuckin priceless! And YAY! for the daver for getting out!

  53. On April 26th, 2011 at 7:51 pm steph Says:

    If I didn’t love you before, I certainly do now. Perfect answer.

    Before I read this, I had JUST gotten off the phone with my husband so he could remind me what state he is in this week. I think he will be home Thursday, but I can’t actually remember if he said Thursday or Friday.

    He has to go in at all times of the night and our daughter (6) is actually shocked when daddy gets to be home for supper.

    I feel your pain.

    Hopefully things will improve now and congratulations to the daver.

  54. On April 26th, 2011 at 8:24 pm Josefina Says:

    Ugh. I went through two years of that some time back. So, so awful. So very hard on the family.

    Hooray for Daver’s new job! Hooray for having work, period! Hooray that you guys made it through. xo

  55. On April 27th, 2011 at 8:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It’s ridiculously hard in a way you can’t even explain without sounding like you’re just…whining.

  56. On April 26th, 2011 at 8:45 pm Mandi Bone Says:

    Maybe you should give to your spunky sidekick? Just saying.

  57. On April 27th, 2011 at 8:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  58. On April 27th, 2011 at 3:31 am MamaRobinJ Says:

    I was hoping this was leading up to a giveaway. Alas.

    But good on ya for branding it your own way.

  59. On April 27th, 2011 at 8:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Hahahaha. I don’t think that you guys would want a necklace with Not Your Bitch on it.

  60. On April 27th, 2011 at 8:36 am Jolie Says:

    I love the “I put the ass in classy” – I say it’s clASSic.
    I also like Anne’s idea of “I’m not your bitch” – tough call, but SYWM is your schtick, and if ANY brand is going to be worn, it should be your own.
    Congrats to the fam for a new job that lets Daver be home more. That is full of the awesome & I’m very happy for ya! 🙂

  61. On April 27th, 2011 at 8:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I was thinking that too. I think that might be the winner.

  62. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:06 am Melissa Says:

    LOVE ass in classy! Can I have it to give to my MIL for mother’s day if you do Shut your Whore Mouth????? It’s either that or a muzzle these days.

    My husband’s job is very much like that as well. It’s not so much that he’s invested in it as that he’s good at his job and important to the function of his company… which is a GOOD thing for job security. His bosses, unfortunately, expect a lot. Maybe I should start a blog.

  63. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:31 am Jeanette Says:

    When you first said it was a gift from his company for 5 years of service, I thought “Damn, they gave her that for the work her husband did??” Then I read on and understood.

    Engrave that bitch and rock it like only Aunt Becky can!

    (I have the matching ring. It was a gift, too. I’m waiting for someone to gift me the necklace… someday!)

  64. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:48 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahahahahaha. I didn’t make it that clear. They offered dudes like a big block of crystal or a fug picture frame so Dave got me the necklace. Seemed better.

  65. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:33 am John Says:

    I worked at my last job for 5 years, and I fear my wife went through much of what you did . . . I thought I’d have some honeymoon period with the new job. Um, no such luck. It’s actually worse – but, at least in theory, I’m banking mad comp time so I’ll be able to spend an entire week in December home, laughing at the phone when it rings, getting paid all the while (in addition to the 3 weeks of vacation that they agreed to give me).

  66. On April 27th, 2011 at 1:04 pm Neeroc Says:

    Holy crap I need to find a better company! 25 years of service means I can add a little ’25’ sticker to my ID badge. I shit you not. Not only is it not diamonds, I don’t even get to bedazzle! *g*

  67. On April 27th, 2011 at 8:41 pm steph gas Says:

    oh, aunt motherfucking becky. i’m glad the daver has a new job and i think engraving that shit on a tiffany’s necklace is AMAZING. and we need photos of it.

  68. On April 28th, 2011 at 3:37 pm Dora Says:

    YES, YES, get some video of you ordering the engraving at Tiffany’s.

    So glad to hear about The Daver’s new job. You deserve a real partnership. Love you!

  69. On May 1st, 2011 at 4:02 am Satan Says:

    that is. fucking. awesome. what a better way to stick it to those assholes, woo!

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...