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Truth And Consequences, STC

October13

To you whom I have hurt:

I am sorry. Believe me when I say that hurting others was not my intention, and for that I am sorry.

I had been using writing as a therapy to work through my past, not dwell in it, but to speak to what I remember. I learned somewhere in some class that I probably had to take as a prereq learning about communication (shows how well I paid attention, huh?). In every situation, each person involved has their own perceptions; their own memories. These memories may or may not be the same as others, even those who witnessed the same events. Those memories may be a small fragment of what actually happened.

The words I write here are my own and are the truth as I remember them. When writing about my past, my childhood especially, it’s clear that some things stuck with me more than others. I imagine the same is true for each of you.

I do not dwell on things from my past, I do not wish to play the victim and I do not wish to hurt others by sharing my memories. I’m not a malicious person and I never will be. I write things out as they come to me and I’ve used this blog to work through many of my emotions over the years. Is that dull? Yes. Is it primarily trite? Probably. I’m not denying that.

My relationship with my parents has been something I’ve worked through, accepted, and moved on from. I cannot change the way I’ve felt about certain situations, nor can I pretend that those feelings have never existed. I have, however, been able to move past the way Young Aunt Becky viewed things and moved into my own feelings and thoughts. Are they always pretty? No. Are they always nice to hear? Again, no. But they are mine.

I accept my parents as they are now: a big part of my life. I live a mere seven minutes from them – BY DESIGN – and haven’t been happier. I see my mother each day and our relationship has grown immeasurably. Likewise with my father. Does this mean I don’t occasionally remember things as Young Aunt Becky saw them? Of course not.

Perspective and time means that I can see them for who they were: people who were simply trying to do the best that they could. I don’t begrudge my past as I once did, but I don’t shy away from talking about how I felt. My feelings about any given situation may not be the same as others in the same situation, but that does not invalidate them.

However, in seeing that I’ve hurt so many, I feel it bears mentioning that I did not wish to cause pain for anyone. I spoke my truth as I saw it when I saw it and, through writing it out, I was able to move on.

But I am taking responsibility for those who I have hurt and apologizing that I was the cause of such pain.

I hadn’t meant to.

——————-

At Band Back Together, we’re doing a Wall of Remembrance on October 15 for those who have lost a baby, child or suffered a miscarriage. If you’d like to us to remember your baby with you, please send an email to jana@bandbacktogether.com with the subject OCTOBER 15.

The line will look like this: Charlie: Jana’s son born May 21, 2003 and died June 14, 2003 from late-onset Group B Strep.

Here’s the information Jana is collecting for the wall:

Baby’s name (or names for twins, triplets or multiple losses)
Dates and the cause of death (miscarriage, stillbirth, prematurity, heart defect, group b strep, etc.)
URL to your blog or a post about your baby(ies)
Your first name (if you want it included)

I will also be posting my own wall here just as I do every October 15. The Pranksters and I will always remember those whose tables are forever missing one.

posted under After School Special

36 Comments to

“Truth And Consequences, STC”

On October 13th, 2011 at 12:17 pm Very Rusty Says:
Hugs to you – always, whenever needed.

Rusty
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:19 pm Lovely Simulacrum Says:
Well executed, AB. I hope there will be some healing from this for all of you.
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:20 pm Suebob Says:
I wrote a post about this just the other day…the differences in memories, perceptions and thinking we know what we don’t:
http://suebobdavis.com/2011/10/10/telling-stories/
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:22 pm amy Says:
You shouldn’t have to defend yourself. You don’t have to censor your own past, it’s yours and you own it. Hugs to you AB.
On October 14th, 2011 at 10:10 pm Kallay Says:
I agree with this whole heartedly. How obnoxious is it that someone tries to tell you how to document your own life? That you are never to feel anger, frustration, or pain nor write about it to free yourself from it.
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:22 pm SarahBee Says:
Very well said – hugs and healing to you and yours
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:24 pm melanie Says:
I am always amazed at what my two sisters and I remember about our childhood and what had a profound affect on one of us, that did not, on the others…. I hope there is healing in learning and understanding how people can experience the same things, but take them differently.
On October 13th, 2011 at 10:13 pm anon Says:
Very interesting comment and one I can relate to when me and my two sisters get together. Coming from a large family we all had our place in it; oldest sister, middle sister and youngest. Our recollections sometimes collide (mostly with me middle daughter, and oldest sister..) and some times do not when we hear tales from youngest sister after we had both long moved out.

Parents are people trying to do their best (hopefully, in most cases?) and as adults we have to recognize that ; as well as take ownership for our own realities. The histories we have created for ourselves are not fiction. They are the lives we have lived.

Anyway… Keep on keeping it real….
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:28 pm Jenn3128 Says:
And again, this is why I keep my blogging life hidden from my family. They would not be able to accept that my writing is my truth, my memories, my opinion.

I don’t feel you should have apologized AB, I don’t see what you have to be sorry for.
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:30 pm jtook Says:
I love you. That is all. The Band and your Pranksters are always here and support you.
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:32 pm Erin Says:
I think you have every right to tell the truth as you remember it. Like someone else said, you own it. And I think the thing OTHERS need to realize is that they hurt YOU (publically, I Might add) and YOU deserve an apology.
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:34 pm Katya Says:
Loves you AB! You have a right to tell your story & if someone tries to tell you otherwise, either punch them in the taco or tell them to suck it.

Loves you mucho!!!
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:38 pm Sue J. Says:
Ditto what Amy said. Your story, nuff said.
Now go grab some candy corn.
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:48 pm Kristin Says:
Well said my friend!
On October 13th, 2011 at 12:56 pm thepsychobabble Says:
I think you are the one who deserves an apology. It is one thing to tell a truth that someone disagrees with. It’s another thing to publicly shame someone for sharing a truth that someone disagrees with.
On October 13th, 2011 at 1:38 pm nic @mybottlesup Says:
this. yes!
On October 13th, 2011 at 1:08 pm Meghan Says:
Well said. Sometimes what we remember hurts others because they choose NOT to remember the truth and placate themselves to feel better. You are full of the awesome!
On October 13th, 2011 at 1:10 pm FNJerzeeGrrl Says:
Aw, AB, you are such a sweetie. Good going on the apology, even if they don’t deserve it, YOU DO. Even if they don’t accept it, WE ACCEPT AND LOVE YOU! (yes I am shouting so you can hear me all the way from Jersey; that’s how we roll.). Your memories and feeling are yours, they are valid and important, even if someone else doesn’t see it that way. No one can steal you mojo, it’s factory installed!
On October 13th, 2011 at 1:20 pm leanne Says:
Wishing you peace. And whatever happens, just keep writing hard.
On October 13th, 2011 at 1:22 pm Melissa Olivero Says:
This was very nicely written and I can tell it was done sincerely. I can understand why you felt you had to write it… I probably would have done the same. But I wish you didn’t feel that you had to. You had every right to your post and your memories should be respected.

{{{HUGGING YOU}}}
On October 13th, 2011 at 1:28 pm Dianne Says:
Hugs and love to you AB!!!!!
On October 13th, 2011 at 1:42 pm Caroline Says:
I love you!
On October 13th, 2011 at 1:50 pm nic @mybottlesup Says:
becky, i still am at a loss for words when i try to piece together what took place on your fb wall yesterday. never in my life have i seen someone i care for be so wretchedly, hatefully, and publicly attacked… and by a family member, no less.

what for? so he could say (in the cruelest way imaginable) I’M RIGHT. YOU’RE WRONG.

????

i don’t know how people like that sleep at night. or function in a world where the potential for goodness and kindness is always there, so long as you respect its boundaries.

apologize if that is what you need to do in order FOR YOU to move on… but don’t apologize for him. i love you, but he does not deserve your breath, your words, your thoughts.
On October 13th, 2011 at 10:16 pm anon Says:
Had no idea of the shit storm you had to face on FB. Cannot be fun but fuck them…
On October 13th, 2011 at 1:53 pm Loco YaYa Says:
i get it about hurting others. that is why i have to go all ninja on the internets. so that my family does not get all panties in a wad. but ya know what? they do know i write here. and they do not HAVE to read it. and for the love of Big G if they do not like it they better catch my arse in private. not be all douchy and in pub-lic.

sorry that you felt that you even had to write this SB, because in my mind the apology should be coming from the other side. sending ton-o-hugs and shit. and a mental hotdog kick to ‘those who shall not be named’.

and ditto what tooker said!! Band of merry Pranksters and all…
On October 13th, 2011 at 2:21 pm Joules Says:
Your story = your truth = the truth. Perception is reality. You have every right to share your life, your experiences, your truth. By doing that you’re shining a light in those dark, festering corners, making yourself healthier and stronger and showing other people that they can do the same.
If someone has a problem with this, maybe they need to shine a light in their own corners and figure out why they are having such a strong reaction.
I love you and I’m sorry you’re hurting.
On October 13th, 2011 at 4:04 pm Hi, I'm Natalie Says:
You’re brave – I don’t yet have the balls to talk openly of my memories about growing up in a home with alcoholism and mental illness – you’re an exceptional example, and you give me hope. ty.
On October 13th, 2011 at 5:58 pm Amy Says:
Love you, Becky. Always.
On October 13th, 2011 at 7:01 pm katrina Says:
God Aunt Becky!! You have the BIGGEST heart in the world. You are apologizing because you were writing about YOUR childhood, speaking the truth about YOUR memories….and it inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings. You are a special human being and i admire you.
On October 13th, 2011 at 10:00 pm Magic Says:
I have to say AB, you really don’t have anything to apologize for.

You are entitled to your perspective – just as much as anyone else is. If that perspective hurts others’ feelings, then well, it’s too bad, but nothing that you have to apologize for. It’s different if you’d set out to hurt with your words – but honestly, there’s no one here that would ever believe that of you. I sure as hell don’t.

If someone closer to you (than our little merry band) is hurt, that’s on them. They have to own the behaviors that created the perspective.

You, our DEAR Auntie B, are one of the most generous, giving, strong and caring people I’ve had the fortune to know.

Take care of yourself and let others take care of themselves. Families are our greatest strength and joy and our biggest source of pain and anxiety. Sometimes, the only thing to do is know that everyone is doing the best they can – regardless if it’s the best they could.

Be happy and well. Life is much too short to linger too long in the dark places.

*HUG* (you rock, everyone says so! 🙂
On October 13th, 2011 at 10:02 pm K A B L O O E Y Says:
So glad at the moment that I’m not on Facebook, because I have to see you in any way slammed, especially for being brave enough to write the truth. You don’t deserve to suffer twice for living through pain. You have my total support. Keep writing honestly.
On October 13th, 2011 at 10:03 pm K A B L O O E Y Says:
“because I HATE to see you slammed…” not “have to see.” D’oh.
On October 13th, 2011 at 10:51 pm Leslie Says:
Write honestly and form your heart girl..
and thank you from those of us who know all too well what Oct. 15 represents. I miss my boy so much and I can’t thank you enough for spreading some light by honoring such an important day.
On October 14th, 2011 at 3:17 am anne Says:
Dear Aunt Becky
This post again show how much you are caring about people. Thanks for being you! I think the way you deal with the past and the present are really healthy. I wish you all the best! xxx
On October 14th, 2011 at 7:57 am c8h10n4o2 Says:
Looks like some people need to discover the difference between blaming and explaining. I don’t really think you had anything to apologize for.
On October 14th, 2011 at 10:08 am Tom Says:
Not only are you funny, charming, sweet, snarky, beautiful, thin and wise … you’re also an extraordinarily KIND person, too. This post is inspirational in reminding us all that it’s good to be nice.