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True Tales Of A Fat Baby


Alex ate at least three-quarters of a box of Macaroni and Cheese for lunch today, immediately after ingesting a container of yogurt, a granola bar, and a serving of pureed fruit. He ate so much that I needed a cigarette after watching him tear through it all.

When he was first born and nursed approximately 14 hours a day (I only wish I were exaggerating), I was convinced that the reason he had to eat so damn much was because my body wasn’t producing enough milk to sustain his frame. Little did I know that he was merely born with a metabolism I would kill for (much like his good old Dad).

It’s funny, because I used to hate people like myself, whose kids ate normal food without acting like it was laced with rat poison, because my darling firstborn ate so little that I often wondered how he gained weight at all.

And that’s one of those things that you place blame squarely on yourself, partially because you feel the all-too-familiar tug of Parental Guilt tapping you on the shoulder (none too gently), and partially because other people blame you for it. It’s amazing how quick to judge other people become when you have a Non-Eater for a child, like you alone are responsible for their shitty diet (and I swear on all that is holy that I eat more than saltines and oatmeal).

Save from paternity, all the variables are very similar between my kids, and who knows, maybe Ben didn’t want to eat because he felt nauseous knowing who his father was. Shit, I know that fact made ME skip a few meals.

It’s one of those funny things that has redeemed me time and again with Alex. Just knowing that I am not at fault (and never have been) for all of Ben’s “issues” has made the sleepless nights and hair pulling worth it’s weight in gold.

Now if you’ll excuse me, dear Internet, whom I love more than life itself, I must go save the cat from being eaten by the baby. Lunch was an hour and a half ago, and he’s HUNGRY again.

16 Comments to

“True Tales Of A Fat Baby”

  1. On March 5th, 2008 at 4:40 pm The Milk Maid Says:

    I swear we have the same kids! Faith still picks at food, and Ava would eat the Southbound end of a Northbound mule if it wouldn’t run away from her! The little turd gained an ounce before we left the hospital… in less than 18 hours of life! And as far as the 14 hour a day boobin-a-kid deal, yeah- been there too. I eventually duct taped her to my ninny and just let her go at it.

  2. On March 5th, 2008 at 6:16 pm niobe Says:

    It is a mystery how children with, as you say, so many of the same variables, can be so different.

  3. On March 5th, 2008 at 5:21 pm Heather Says:

    Same here. The MAN gives the evil eye to any food lacking in starch and whiteness, while the Beans would eat the siding from our home if we left her unattended. We often sit back in abject horror at the pillaging she does in the name of dinner. Hard to believe they share the same dna, really. I (and probably you, too) deserve to have an “eater” after all the sick food games we were forced to play by our firstborns.

  4. On March 5th, 2008 at 7:28 pm Melissa C Says:

    I have BOTH versions … in the same child!!! My youngest is so picky it’s insane. He’ll go DAYS and not eat enough to feed a flea. Then one day, he’s eating more than EVERYONE ELSE.

    We have children to test our grip on sanity

  5. On March 5th, 2008 at 10:29 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    Same Same!! My first one eats nothing. I’m convinced the second has an over-eating disorder and will someday need Richard Simmons to rescue him!

    I don’t get it!

    Drives me nuts both ways!

    Can’t one of my kids be normal? 🙂

  6. On March 5th, 2008 at 11:09 pm Kyddryn Says:

    I only have the one, and he’ll eat just about everything. In one sitting. Sometimes I think he has a portal to another dimension in his stomach. Or a hollow leg. I don’t know where he puts two grilled cheese sandwiches, ten baby carrots, a cup or so of grapes, ten strawberries, and three leaves of lettuce (I have no idea why he wanted it, but I wasn’t going to say “no”) – that was his lunch one day last week, and he was hungry again two hours later.

    Now I know why I have no metabolism – he stole it.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  7. On March 5th, 2008 at 11:45 pm Karen Says:

    Oh…he is a growing boy. It is his duty to eat a lot. I’ll take the rest of the mac & cheese. I am hungry.

  8. On March 6th, 2008 at 2:43 am shay Says:

    Hey and the coolest part is … they’ll switch it up on you some months, just wait! The eater will suddenly stop and the non-eater will eat. It’s just to keep you on your toes. or to drive you crazy…whatever.

    Good luck!

  9. On March 6th, 2008 at 8:34 am Amy Says:

    I have the opposite problem, I have to fight to get my daughter to eat. Because of her sensory issues food is a big issue in our house and most of it gets thrown on the floor in total disgust. Want to send him my way for a few days? I could use someone to help me clean out my fridge 🙂

  10. On March 6th, 2008 at 10:52 am Gail Says:

    My big boy will eat almost anything – as long as it’s “healthy”. He has been known to go to birthday parties at school and tell people they shouldn’t eat the cupcakes because they’re not healthy. Crazy freaking child.

    My bambino, on the other hand, is shaping up to be a picky eater. He’s got a sweet tooth a mile wide, and that’s really all he wants is fruit, fruit, fruit. And baby yogurt. I can get him to eat sweet vegetables (sweet potatoes, corn, squash, carrots) but none of that nasty green stuff. I send the green vegetables and no fruit to daycare with him, and let them fight it out. Either they lie to my face every day, or THEY can get him to eat that stuff.

    I read a study once that said basically that people are born with a “sweet tooth” and/or a “meat tooth”, and everything else is an acquired taste. I’ll keep trying to make him acquire a “vegetable tooth” but it might be a lost cause.

  11. On March 6th, 2008 at 11:11 am Kristine Says:

    I would love for Landon to actually eat with us, he usually just nibbles at a few things and then screams about the injustice of being in the highchair.

    We are currently experiencing the “you ate this before and loved it but now want nothing to do with it phase.” He eats so well with the babysitter, that I just try not to sweat it when he won’t eat what I give him.

  12. On March 6th, 2008 at 12:18 pm Emily Says:

    I am convinced it is first-child/second-child. My second child is 19 months old and eats Chicken Tikka Masala, salmon, and tofu (which he calls TOADY!) My first eats plain pasta (and spinach, thank heaven).

  13. On March 6th, 2008 at 1:39 pm Rayne of Terror Says:

    My son is that way, a hoover at the dinner table. I think he turns it into additional height each and every night because he just turned three and his chin is the same height as the kitchen counter. He must be between 3 1/2 and 4 feet tall.

  14. On March 7th, 2008 at 5:34 pm honeywine Says:

    I’d rather they eat at least then you don’t have to worry about if they’re getting what they need. Sides…cats are free right? Plenty to go around…that’s all I’m sayin’…

  15. On March 7th, 2008 at 9:26 pm Redneck Mommy Says:

    My daughter was a garbage disposal, she’d even gnaw on my ankles if I was late with lunch.

    My son however, apparently only exists on dreams and the occasional slice of cheese. It’s driving me mad.

  16. On March 8th, 2008 at 9:17 am Angela Says:

    Laura does not care one whit about food. Not at all. She weighs next to nothing, and I always have to quietly monitor whether or not she is eating. Nina eats nonstop….and often, too much. And I? Try not to interfere too much, beyond making sure the house is filled with healthy food. But I still have one too thin and one a bit too heavy.

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