Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

To Stoned For A Proper Toast, er POST.


I do almost all of the manual labor around my house. (Some might argue it’s because I’m really a man, but that’s neither here nor there. But rest assured that if I had a penis, The Internet would be the first I’d tell. And then I’d write my name in pee in the snow. Because, hello, AWESOME!)

It’s not a judgement statement and I’m not all “OhMyGOD, I do EVERYTHING around the house” *flings hand to forehead dramatically* because I don’t care much. Or I should say, I’m used to it.

(TOTAL aside time, here’s what a man I am: a couple of years ago, some creature got into our garage at night. And when I realized it, I ran out there brandishing a broom while Dave and Ben watched from the door, eyes wide as saucers. I think I grew some chest hair that night.)

Problem with this division of labor is the fact that I am a total klutz. I am so ungraceful that I make (insert another word for klutz here) look downright normal. I’ve broken a toe making a sandwich, broke the front door by falling through it (completely sober, I should add) and successfully done the splits for the first time while 36 weeks pregnant after washing the kitchen floor.

So it comes as no real surprise that I hurt myself a couple of weeks ago while taking out the garbage. I’m not even going to lie to you and tell you that it was a heavy bag, bursting at the seams, nor did I do so to save Little Timmy from a burning building. Hell, I didn’t even rescue some adorable kittens from a tree while I did so.

No, during a perfectly ordinary garbage-bag-throwing-into-the-big-container- sexy-fun-time (I am totally kidding about the sexy fun time), I managed to throw out my back. The lower part, you know, by the coccyx? After several days where I crankily moped about the house having to ask my willing reluctant husband to do such things as “bring me the baby” or “take out the garbage” while he rolled his eyes at me, it miraculously got better.

It was a friggin’ Easter Miracle.

So, it was NOT The Awesome to wake up a couple of days ago with the flaming pain making me whimper when I moved my foot or rotated my body in any way. Of course, this is while Dave is lying about the house, sick as a dog with The Rota. Made me feel almost bad to require his germy, pathetic help.

But finally, after hobbling about my house like an old woman, I called the damn doctor (his real title! The Damn Doctor). And now, let’s just say, Internet, I won’t be complaining about going back to visit him.

Not after he gave me a script for some muscle relaxers and, wait for it, wait for it…

Delicious, sweet, nectar of the Gods, VICODIN.

And let’s just say, Internet, that I am now stoned out of my gourd (Dave is home with me so don’t worry, sweet Internet, I am not in charge of my kidlets alone and high as a kite). I don’t really know where this post started or where it went. It probably made very little sense, but hey, I know I’m not raging against the machine. Which probably would be more entertaining. Because who DOESN’T like Internet Rubbernecking?

Oh, and to those of you who will be coming over this weekend for The Big Party? I am TOTALLY not sharing my pills. And Aoxomoxoa is TOTALLY wicked when you’re high. Also: very hard to spell.

So, what’s on YOUR mind today, Internet? I promise to be highly entertained by anything you say. Or what do YOU want me to tell you about knowing that my internal filter is completely off?

34 Comments to

“To Stoned For A Proper Toast, er POST.”

  1. On April 17th, 2009 at 1:04 pm The Notorious BEX Says:

    Aoxomoxoa is a Grateful Dead album. Also: awesome stoned music.

  2. On April 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pm Lindsay Says:

    I actually wrote about my pain pill perscription today too, only I have to say, after being on Vicodin and Norco (Norco is WAY better!!!) for 3 months, I’m sick of the side affects and looking for something (anything) else to ease my pain. And, no…sex isn’t working.

  3. On April 17th, 2009 at 1:49 pm Mrs M Says:

    I just had the interview from hell – I think the panel thought I was stoned. They so didn’t get my sense of humour – perhaps I should try medicating myself before any future interviews?

  4. On April 17th, 2009 at 12:49 pm Miss Grace Says:

    Enjoy your day 🙂

  5. On April 17th, 2009 at 12:55 pm ainebegonia Says:

    I got vicodin after I had my gallbladder taken out. I came thisclose to leaving my house without a shirt. I had already started to turn the door knob on my front door when I became fascinated with my naked arm which helped me to realise that it might be a good idea to put on a shirt. Vicodin kicks my butt.

  6. On April 17th, 2009 at 12:56 pm Kerrie Says:

    Well…first….If I had a penis I would totally pee IN the bowl, and not around it. Second….Why am I not invited to your party – I thought you and I were tight…you and I. Third….What the hell is Aoxomoxoa?

  7. On April 17th, 2009 at 1:04 pm Sara Says:

    I am sad because no one is on IM right now for me to sing “Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You” to.

    I am REALLY upset about this, and am finding nap time to not be highly enjoyable.

    OHHHH, Now Silly Love Songs is on!! Damn it people!!! I need to sing to someone!

  8. On April 17th, 2009 at 2:12 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Vicodin is nice stuff.

    Also, so is Tramadol and Metaxalone. Swallow ’em down with a shot of booze, and you’re flying like the Wright brothers.

  9. On April 17th, 2009 at 1:13 pm kbrients Says:

    Really? So Jealous!

  10. On April 17th, 2009 at 1:15 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Oh goodness. What a fabulous post for a Friday!

    Having had similar back and non-graceful issues (I once tore my trapezious falling down the stairs….while walking, barefoot, not carrying anything. Oh yeah, I really deserve my nickname of Giraffe (which is the arabic word for “graceful” (the things you learn while working for Disney World))) I understand the joy that is muscle relaxers. Although Vicodin makes me paranoid and gives me hallucinations….so I get Amoxocilin.

    There, those parentheses should entertain you for a while.

    Have a fabulous weekend!!

  11. On April 17th, 2009 at 2:16 pm Anjali Says:

    Please pass me some of your coccyx-healing-miracle, as well as the Vicodin.

  12. On April 17th, 2009 at 1:27 pm Suzannah Says:

    I once tore my calf muscle while dancing in front of my toddler while he was in his highchair. Well, more like hopping around like an idiot than dancing. No one gave me any good drugs then.

    But I have fibromyalgia, so I get a nice supply of painkillers. PLus I just had some surgery (OK it was 2 months ago) and I have some vicdoin left from that. I love that stuff. I might even take one now, just so I can share your high. 😉

    How’s Auggie?

  13. On April 17th, 2009 at 2:32 pm Elaine at Lipstickdaily Says:

    Oh yeah . . . the main advantage to having only one kidney (after having donated one) . . . is the vicodin. Yup, most other non-mood-altering (aka whats-the-point) painkillers, including ibuprofen, work through the kidney. All I have to do is go to the doc and say oh my shoulder’s killing me . . . and by the way I have only one kidney . . . voila . . . vicodin! Love it. BTW, I had a similar animal experience – – I beat a rabid racoon to death with a hoe while my husband had his hands over his eyes. True story.

  14. On April 17th, 2009 at 2:42 pm heather Says:

    Now, look. I feel – as your friend – that I’m obligated to tell you to behave responsibly. In this case, you MUST pace yourself. You wouldn’t want to use up all that good Vicodin at once, now would you? One for now, two for later, one for now, two for later. You see?

  15. On April 17th, 2009 at 3:30 pm Lola Says:

    Yeah, the last time I had the “V” coursing through my veins, maybe mixed with a bit too much red wine, I ended up with a gash under my extremely black eye that required me to sit in the ER for four hours until they glued me back together. Pace yourself, my friend. Glue eye is seriously ugly!!

  16. On April 17th, 2009 at 4:00 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    You know, I hardly ever go to a doctor. I find that eventually either whatever is ailing me goes away or I die. I haven’t died yet, so the theory is working. BUT, this means I have no good medication. Damn. I may need to rethink this not-going-to-the-doctor thing.

  17. On April 17th, 2009 at 3:03 pm Michelle Says:

    Unfortunately vicodin makes me barf, which totally erases the fun little high you get from it. bummer.

    Mice wig out my dear husband so I am usually the one that has to take the poor dead things out when we catch one in a trap (which doesn’t happen all the time, lest you think I am living in a rat infested home!)

  18. On April 17th, 2009 at 4:16 pm Melissa Says:

    oh Becky… I feel your pain. Well, actually I feel my own from dropping a large jar of salsa on my foot (no V, just some T3s!) The best fun was when I passed out from the pain in front of my kids (fortunately, shock is slow to set in, and I had time to tell them to just let Mommy lie on the kitchen floor for a few minutes!)

    And because I know how much you love all things cake…

  19. On April 17th, 2009 at 4:35 pm Jenn Says:

    That’s the best palindrome ever.
    Yay for vicodin!

  20. On April 17th, 2009 at 4:56 pm Kendra Says:

    I’ve never experienced Vicodin, but I did have Percocet after each of my C-sections; that’s the only time I’ve ever had prescription pain medication, and what an experience! I think the combination of the pain-reliever-high and the high that comes from simply not being in that much pain anymore, it’s magical.


  21. On April 17th, 2009 at 7:03 pm giggleblue Says:

    during what i have coined as The Fiasco, i had my fair share of goodies at the hospital. especially after i declined any more dressing changes after they pulled that 80cm of guaze out of my stomach like i was some damn pull toy.

    it was then that i was introduced to the joys of demerol and phenergan. lets just say that i couldn’t even keep my mouth closed half way through the injection. i tried too to close my mouth and it would just pop right back open! i’ve never been so high in my life, but let me tell you, they could have changed any dressing they felt like changing after that! and i know you know what i mean, cause you know all about that nursing stuff.

    enjoy the wings of vicki. our dentist office hands it out like candy! i got offered some after a deep cleaning. crazy stuff!

  22. On April 17th, 2009 at 7:14 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    Are you still nursing? Doesn’t Vicodin get into breast milk?

  23. On April 17th, 2009 at 8:34 pm Megan Says:

    If we were neighbors I’d totally bum some V off you because I’ve got a wicked back ache, too. Stupid backs.

  24. On April 17th, 2009 at 8:50 pm habanerogal Says:

    Would I dig a party right now too bad you so far away. Have a blast for me

  25. On April 17th, 2009 at 11:26 pm Valerie Says:

    I always think of House when you talk about vicodin… But exciting things to think about: the drag show I just watched and the poor prospie (prospective student) I dragged to it. Some things are funnier when they break the rules!

  26. On April 18th, 2009 at 6:07 am mumma boo Says:

    I’ve got a five hour drive ahead of me today. With both kids. By myself. My sister had best be greeting me at her door with a glass of wine and a couple of vitamin Vs. Hope your back gets better soon. Well, not too soon. You wouldn’t want to waste your vitamins, now would ya? 🙂

  27. On April 18th, 2009 at 8:59 am SCY Says:

    All I know about Vicodin is that the dude who plays in House takes it – hope it provides relief 🙂


  28. On April 18th, 2009 at 10:20 am StuffMomsWant Says:

    You gotta love a pill that makes everything better. Hope you find a good chiropractor and hang in there. I’ve done the back pain thing, and it’s no picnic. For now, enjoy the Vicodin haze 🙂

  29. On April 18th, 2009 at 11:46 am Meghan Says:

    I so toatlly broke my hand carrying a box of KD down two stairs at my hubby Baba’s place…so graceful, when Leigha was about 6 weeks old. I looked awsome with all the matching bruises that showned up as I lay sprawled on the ground trying not to cry in front of all th onlookers.

  30. On April 18th, 2009 at 3:40 pm Rachel, too. Says:

    duuuude! i totally had a dream last night that i popped out another kid, and returned to the hospital SPECIFICALLY to get a prescription for painkillers. then? i got prescribed advil instead. wtf?

  31. On April 18th, 2009 at 4:32 pm amy Says:

    in response to the Madame’s comment: I was put on 4 (count ’em 4!) different pain meds after my C section because I was having peculiar reactions, uncontrollable itching, sleeplessness,etc. Finally percaset (no idea how to spell that) worked for me. Though I was nursing it did not affect the baby. So there r lots of pain meds that don’t interfere. Believe me….I’ve tried all of them!

    Hope you’re feeling better soon becky:(

  32. On April 19th, 2009 at 10:05 am Sarah Says:

    I may need vicodin just for reading about your doing the splits at 36 weeks. Bless your soul. I’m only sad I didn’t get here til 2 days later… but it gave me something to look forward to… yes, my life is that bland and sad.

  33. On April 19th, 2009 at 5:21 pm Emily R Says:

    you’re definitely very funny stoned

  34. On April 20th, 2009 at 2:25 pm lady lemon Says:

    Flexeril is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

    I hurt my back a month or so back. I crawled to the phone and called my doctor, begging for relief. Blessed Saint that he is he called in a script for 40 (40!) flexeril! It might have been the happiest moment of my life.

    It truly was the gift that keeps on giving.

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