Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Time To Dust Off One From The Vaults


This is a blog I snatched from my old blog, dated May 9, 2006.

Whether or not this is really from an article called the ‘œGood Wives Guide’ from the 50’s, I have no real idea. But I have edited it to better fit my own kicky 2000’s lifestyle. Which is better? YOU be the judge.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

*Wait, wait, wait. When the hell do you think I have the inclination to plan something out in advance? Don’t kid yourself, honey, this’ll never happen. Planning it out in advance is saying ‘œI want Chinese food tonight’ at 3pm.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

*Now I’m not trying to imply that I look like a million bucks when Dave walks in the door, but honestly the last thing on my mind at 7pm is ‘œdo I look okay?’ It’s much more like ‘œdid I accidently microwave the cat, AGAIN? Shit!”

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

*If I’ve had a bad day too, the last thing on my mind will be cheering The Daver up, because misery does indeed love company.

I’ll be much more concerned that I don’t go punching out walls or running over small children with my large truck with a horrifically cheerful look upon my face. Or beating up rednecks. I loves me some rednecks.

And I am always a little gay.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

*No, no, no, no. NO WAY. 95% of the clutter in this house is a direct result of Hurricaine Dave coming through throwing his crap around. And what the fcuk is a dust cloth?

During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

*Are you SERIOUS? I don’t know how to work the fireplace, and I don’t intend to learn. If he wants to ‘œrelax’ by the fire, he can light it himself. I don’t know when catering to anyone’s comfort has provided me with any type of satisfaction. Unless it involved Prada purses. Then I could cater a lot.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.

*If there is noise in the home, it means I am home. I am noisy. I am loud. I speak at extremely high volumes 99.9% of the time. And really, if I am actually doing these household chores, he should be damn pleased that I’m doing them at all.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

*Although I recognize that showing a happy face is important to a marriage, my desire to please him?


*wipes tears from eyes*


I think you had better please ME, sweet cheeks!

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

*If I waited until Dave stopped talking to tell him such things as ‘œthe sump pump backed up and the basement is flooded’ or ‘œI want to have a threesome with a midget’ I’d never be heard.

Dave and I talk over each other with such comfortable regularity that we have actually made a sign that says ‘œFloor’ to use when we have Important Discussions.

And wait, how the hell is ‘œthe cpm processor of horhelfsag to the ajfoijhriwndas is jdsa;hfrioenrhiubnf’ more important than ‘œOur bedroom smells like cheese’ or ‘œcherry flavored pez is a wonderfood?’ Because it’s totally not.

Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

*Then who else can I greet this way?

Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

*Yeah. RIGHT.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

*Um, yeah, Michael, how’s it going? Now about that TPS Report…?

Unless his arm is falling off, he had better pitch in with the kid, the dog, dinner, whatever. With a big smile on his face.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

*Have you HEARD my voice? It’s like a sack of cats fighting over a mouse on a chalkboard. And I yell. Most of the time. And where would I take his shoes? On a date?

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.



That’s right, The Daver is Master of the…Bwahahahaha! I can’t even type it.

I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to say when he says, ‘œI think we should buy a truckload of Twinkies and the biggest Fry Daddy we can find! Fuck our retirement!!’ Color me boring but I don’t think ‘œWhatever you say, dear’ would work well.

A good wife always knows her place.

*Yeah, bitch, “my place” is anywhere I fucking want it to be.

26 Comments to

“Time To Dust Off One From The Vaults”

  1. On April 14th, 2008 at 11:21 pm Kristen Says:

    Good to know that 2 years and a baby hasn’t dulled your wit one bit.
    Thanks for the giggles.

  2. On April 15th, 2008 at 5:51 am Melissa C Says:

    Where do you FIND this shit Aunt Becky?????

    “You have no right to question him”

    Ya, ok. No right to complain when he brings home an nice STD for us to share either???

    Oi. If they ever build a time machine, remind me to back and beat the snot out of whoever wrote that crap.

  3. On April 15th, 2008 at 7:47 am Dolores Schwartz Says:

    I am crying with REAL TEARS… Because I am laughing so HARD! Damn Becky!

  4. On April 15th, 2008 at 7:07 am Judy C Says:

    Priceless Becky, priceless.

  5. On April 15th, 2008 at 8:17 am Chris Says:

    Was this written by a guy? Gotta be! My wife should read this. She will get a good laugh. Interestingly though, if you do the opposite, meaning if the husband does all of these tips for his wife, rewards will definitely be given in the bedroom.

  6. On April 15th, 2008 at 7:54 am MsPrufrock Says:

    Here’s some further inspiration for you vis a vis being a happy housewife. They sure knew how to keep a woman down back in the day!:

  7. On April 15th, 2008 at 8:08 am Coco Says:

    I finally wandered over from Emily and Angela, after admiring your blog handle from afar for some time.

    I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to say when he says, “I think we should buy a truckload of Twinkies and the biggest Fry Daddy we can find! Fuck our retirement!!” Color me boring but I don’t think “Whatever you say, dear” would work well.

    The entire post had me snickering, but this piece actually created snorting and gasping. Classic.

    Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

    Oh, and this? Funny all on its own. Seriously. How did women escape the 50’s and early 60’s without becoming raving serial killers when they were constantly surrounded by this kind of crap?

  8. On April 15th, 2008 at 9:22 am becky Says:


  9. On April 15th, 2008 at 8:39 am LaskiGal Says:

    What is this . . . some freakin’ male nirvana? What the hey? Fantasy land . . . la de da.

    My husband is lucky if I’m not drooling, mumbling, and lounging in my PJs in a pile of dirty laundry by the time he gets home . . .

    Oh, I totally agree with Chris . . . too bad most guys have yet to figure that out!

  10. On April 15th, 2008 at 9:01 am Kristine Says:

    “And what the fcuk is a dust cloth?”

    My sentiments exactly!

  11. On April 15th, 2008 at 9:43 am kim Says:

    this is magical, thanks for the much needed laughs!!!

    *shaking my head while chuckling*…know my place….

  12. On April 15th, 2008 at 11:03 am Gail Says:

    Thanks a lot, Becks. You made me blow a small piece of cashew out my nose. That’s high praise! 🙂

  13. On April 15th, 2008 at 11:06 am b Says:

    Poor Mr. The Daver..will never be master of his house!! It’s a sausage factory in name only, as well it should be. What do you mean that you’re “always a little gay?” Yeah, I caught that Aunt use back pedalling now!

  14. On April 15th, 2008 at 11:23 am Doc Says:

    That Daver is one lucky boy !!!

  15. On April 15th, 2008 at 2:44 pm Carlynn Says:

    Now if H would just read that 1950’s piece as Advice for Husbands the world would be a gentler place and I would be a much happier woman.

    Any other options: just not going to happen.

    Love that “I’m always a little gay”! Too funny.

  16. On April 15th, 2008 at 3:10 pm tonya cinnamon Says:

    bad thing is i aquired that book back in 2004 LOL..
    i so had a wonderful laugh anytime i had a bad day and read a page of it
    that book is so jacked up…

  17. On April 15th, 2008 at 4:47 pm Ames Says:

    Laughing my ass off… seriously… this was a great post!

  18. On April 15th, 2008 at 4:10 pm andria Says:

    Someone emailed this to me and I think she meant it as, hey you need to be like this, as she was a seventy year old lady from church. And I don’t know how she got my email. Im thinking the husband must have set that one up.

    It’s much funnier with your input added.

    Excuse me while I go get dinner ready.

  19. On April 15th, 2008 at 8:39 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    Great stuff!!!

    Thank God, we live in 2008.

    The Rambling Housewife would have flunked out of Housewife school, otherwise!!

  20. On April 15th, 2008 at 8:33 pm Marly Says:

    This actually makes me a little sad. Apparently, you have been incredibly entertaining for at least a couple of years now, and I just found you recently. How much laughter have I missed? *sigh*

    Okay, I’m over it. Carry on… please. 😉

  21. On April 15th, 2008 at 9:27 pm LAS Says:

    Ha ha ha – I’m laughing my ass off!

  22. On April 15th, 2008 at 9:28 pm RhoRho Says:

    I got this email a while back. Man, I’d be one angry(ier) bitch if I lived back then. But I don’t think it mentioned blow-jobs. It seems that women are expected to give a lot more blow-jobs these days. Blame it on the porn industry.:o

  23. On April 16th, 2008 at 9:20 am Brooke Says:

    Oh THANK YOU for making me giggle at a time where I really need it!!
    Im seriously in stitches.

  24. On April 16th, 2008 at 12:02 pm Lindz Says:

    that is some crazy shit!

    do you think it will ever return to be like that again one day? thats a scary thought huh?

  25. On April 21st, 2008 at 8:18 am Dayna Says:

    I was up all night last night writing a 10-page essay, and your newly discovered and newly beloved blog is the only thing that kept me from shooting the university computer. Oh, and btw, my Oma was a housewife in the 50’s, and ain’t no hella way she’d be doing this shit. She knew her strength.

  26. On May 21st, 2008 at 3:28 pm Are You All Sick of Me Yet? « Mommyhood and Life Says:

    […] Aunt Becky makes me laugh so hard I have to fake a cough when I’m reading her at work. This post detailing Becky’s translation of the 50’s era Housewife Handbook made me choke up my lunch from belly-laughing. […]

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...