Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



I got a call from Amelia’s preschool teacher yesterday. Breezily, she told me that she’d “found a tick” on my daughter.

A Tick.


(Needless to say, if my house hadn’t been properly bathed in bleach before the Barf-o-rama last week, it is now.)

Now, I have no problems with bugs. In general, that is. Sure, mosquitoes are annoying, but they feed the bats that live in the gigantor pine tree where I plan to construct my panic room. Ants are kinda…cool. I mean, you learn a little bit about those assholes and their social structure and suddenly, it’s not as annoying that they’re crawling on your hands as you carefully prune your roses.

(fire ants are, for the record, blazing assjackets)

Earwigs are another story. Creepy fuckers.

And wasps, well, I’m allergic to them. I had an incredible colony of them growing in my birdfeeders last year – something I didn’t realize until late in the summer – and when I tell you those fuckers were everywhere, it was like they were stalking me or something. I must’ve had Wasp Sonar attached to my head or something.

It’s not the pain of the sting or the use of the Epi-Pen I’d need to stay alive, it’s knowing that I’d have to call 911 AFTER the first dose for an ambulance to properly treat me. My doctor warned me that most people with wasp allergies need a second dose.

I’ve taken epinephrine after a particularly bad reaction to some IM painkillers and let me tell you, that shit makes you feel like you’re dying. It’s temporary and it’s a hell of a lot better than actual death, but still, I’m not exactly ready to be all, HEY KIDS, WANNA WATCH MAMA SCREAM ABOUT HER HEART? I figure I’ll do enough damage to them in the long-term; they don’t need to watch a team of paramedics work on their mother.

But ticks, I don’t know much about them, besides the whole “Lyme Disease” thing.

Immediately, I thought about all of places ticks could be hiding.


I’d assumed the bite on the back of my leg was a spider bite and left it at that. I mean, I live in Chicago; we get spiders. Sometimes, we get bitten.

Besides, I used to work at an outdoor restaurant that had spiders in the rafters. The morning chores included removing all spiders from the rafters, lest they poo on someone’s cheeseburger. By the river, man, those spiders got to be huge.

But this bump, man, it was huge. It was probably teeming with Tick-Babies. In fact, what if *I* was turning into a Tick? Like the Great Tick Mother or something. What if I was infested with Ticks? WOULD MY HAIR FALL OUT WHEN I BECAME A GIGANTIC TICK?

I didn’t know. So I did the only rational thing I could do: I made my mother look at it.

Now, for all of the problems she and I have had, she’s about the most level-headed and non-hysteric person I know. Her answer (and mine) for most problems is, “eh, it’s probably nothing. Go drink some water and lay in the sun awhile.”

Dave’s mother, on the other hand, called to tell him that she was flying somewhere for Easter and had taken out Death Insurance for the trip; payable to Dave and Dave’s brother. (My response: “what the fuck is Death Insurance? And how much is it worth?”)

Complete 180 from my mother who would have called the policy bullshit and pointed out that “you’re more likely to die in a car-crash on the way TO the airport than to die on a plane.”

She’s just like that.

So I made my mother look at the bump that was most certainly riddled with Tick Babies to tell me if I was dying or not.


My Mother: “No.”


My Mother (rolls eyes) : “No.”


My Mother (rolls eyes): “No.”


My Mother: “Looks like a spider bite.”

Me: “Oh. Well, then. I’m starving.”

Sorry Pranksters, it appears as though I will live another day. (Hopefully, not as a tick.)


Now that we’ve ascertained that, what are YOUR weird-ass fears?

91 Comments to


  1. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:44 am thepsychobabble Says:

    Frogs. Frogs terrify me in ways that no tick ever could (although ticks are gross)

  2. On April 27th, 2011 at 11:26 am New Mom on the Blog Says:

    OMG. ME. TOO.

    I HATE them. HATE.

    I am just TERRIFIED of them and I have no idea why. When I read the last question of this post, I immediately went to reply with “Frogs. Yeah, I know I’m a freak, but I HATE them.”

    Had no idea I would meet another frog-fearer. So. Thanks for that. You’re not alone.

  3. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:46 am Joker_SATX Says:

    Nothing really scares me…really. Except maybe clowns. I just don’t fuck around with clowns.

  4. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:19 am Coleen Says:

    OMG CLOWNS! I HATE CLOWNS! That’s what happens when your teenage siblings let you watch Poltergeist as a preschooler…

  5. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:05 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Clowns are creepy fuckers.

  6. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:50 am Ally Says:

    “Earwigs are another story. Creepy fuckers.” – you got that right!!

    Gotta watch those ticks though, cause Lyme disease will come back to make you big time sick years later.

  7. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:05 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I know. That’s what I’m worried about. Besides the bump on my leg growing Tick Babies.

  8. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:50 am Karen Says:

    We don’t have many ticks here on the outskirts of NYC, but I think I’d freaking die if I had one. Don’t you have to burn it out? I’ll take spiders any day.

  9. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:05 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    EXACTLY. I don’t know SHIT about ticks. Burning? Rubbing alcohol? I DON’T KNOW.

  10. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:50 am Deanna Says:

    Mother f’n snakes…big, little, poisonous, non-poisonous! Goosebumps and vomit just thinking about them.

  11. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:08 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Fucking snakes on a plane. That’s some creepy shit.

  12. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:56 am Jen Says:

    CAH-RAZY! We found one on my sons bicep yesterday and his guitar teacher found another IN.HIS.HAIR. ACK!!! I lived in Florida my whole life and we have been in the DUURTY JURZAY for 2 years… I get FUCKING LYME DISEASE my first summer here!!! Florida is like THE tick capital and not even once did I or anyone in my family get one. Just one more reason for my mini mushroom clouds of hate for this place.

  13. On April 27th, 2011 at 3:52 pm Heather @ nobody-but-yourself Says:

    OMG this is so true! I’m a born-n-bred Jersey Girl and I cannot tell you how often my sisters and I (not to mention the other critters we had on our farm – dogs, cats etc) got ticks. Like, more than weekly. It was second nature to do a tick-check as soon as we came in from the Great Ticky Outdoors. *shudder*

    Nowadays, I get utterly freaked out whenever my kid is playing near trees or in long grass. My husband once caught me checking through her (very long at the time) hair after she’d been playing outside, and when he asked me what I was doing and I told him I was checking her for ticks, he looked at me like I was (more) nuts (than usual). He doesn’t remember EVER having a tick bite in his entire life. I suppose that should be comforting to me given that we live in his hometown, safely away from NJ in the wilds of western, upstate NY, but it doesn’t.

    Oh, and to this day, my relatives who remain New Jerseyans report frequent encounters with ticks. Several of them have had Lyme Disease, even. My one sister is so blase about it, it frightens me. My niece had FOUR ticks in a week once when she was just three years old. Gah.

    In short, New Jersey = land of ticks and Snooki. So sad.

  14. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:21 am Jen Says:

    Do NOT even get me started on Snooki!!! She is kind of ticky though…small, blood/soul sucking, parasite…just sayin’

  15. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:23 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    She’s something else. She reminds me of a Chicken McNugget.

  16. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:25 am Jen Says:

    Fried, orangish, blob of mystery meat?

  17. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:08 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I just barfed. That’s TERRIBLE.

  18. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:22 am Jen Says:

    Like I said… mini-mushroom clouds of hate.

  19. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:58 am Ina Jones Says:

    I hate earwigs. Like with a passion. Oh and escalators. They freak me right the hell out. I WILL ride on them (cause my lazy out weighs my fears) but I get all sweaty-palm and nervous. All I can think of is how when I get to the bottom (going down is way worse than going up) that its going to eat me. My husband giggles anytime he gets to witness me thinking about the evil escalator eating me.

  20. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:09 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha. I hate elevators. I got stuck in one when it broke and it was fucking terrifying.

  21. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:01 am Melissa Says:

    Ticks are badass. Don’t mess with ticks.
    The bugs I hate are silverfish (oh god they’re fast AND LEGS EVERYWHERE UGH) and earwigs. Gross me out.

  22. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:09 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Silverfish are SO gross. BLECH.

  23. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:03 am Jolie Says:

    As a former IL resident who had dogs/cats and woods, I removed many a tick. They don’t imbed under your skin AB, they put their bitey parts in, hang on on the outside where you can grab them, and with rubbing alcohol, you’re good to go. Ashley came home from preschool one day, and I looked over at her, and right there in the part between her pigtails was a tick. Talk about anxiety. I said honey, hold still so I can see something, and she knew the ‘calm so I don’t freak out the kids’ voice was on. I removed it before it got in too far, and tossed it in a bowl w/rubbing alcohol. Then I looked over every inch of her head, and found a second. Which I also removed, alcohol’d, and then flushed them both. The important thing is to remove ASAP, b/c the longer they sit, the more they get in. I called her teacher, and they had walked through the woods – ticks can ride on the breeze looking for their next fix, and one must have landed on my baby girl. It’ll be ok, no need to bomb the house, just remember to remove asap, search for any stragglers, and move on.

  24. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:09 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    PHEW. Good to know.

  25. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:06 am Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    I’m pretty sure if I ever see an earwig IN my house, I will move and leave all the stuff. So far, the only time I’ve seen them is in the garage.

    I’m pretty sure my reaction to a tick would be exactly the same. I’ve never had an encounter with one, but I’m pretty sure that the 12 different “right” ways to remove a tick I was taught as a child in the Midwest have all been deemed wrong, and I’d have no idea what to do for fear I’d rip the little fuckers head off and then die a slow agonizing death from Lyme disease and/or infection.

  26. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:10 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I love you because you’re SO right. I’ve been tempted to move out after seeing an earwig in my house. MANY TIMES.

  27. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:14 am HereWeGoAJen Says:

    Ticks suck. I’ve never had one personally, but I’ve had to pull them off my dog (always when my brother-in-law is visiting, he must bring them or something), and they are really creepy. Then, in case the dog gets sick later, I put the tick in a ziploc bag and put it in the freezer. Which is also creepy, having a tick in your freezer. I always label it “TICK- do not eat”. You know, in case someone got confused.

  28. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:10 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    BWAHAHAHAHA. I once had to label my poo, which was also in a freezer.

  29. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:22 am Coleen Says:

    Like I said before, I hate clowns. Also, the sound of balloons popping. HATE IT

  30. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:10 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The sound of champagne bottles flips me out.

  31. On April 28th, 2011 at 1:01 pm Coleen Says:

    We must have terrible parties. Or, at least, ones with crepe paper streamers and vodka 🙂

  32. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:32 am Anna Says:

    Moths. Those creepy fuckers just flit and float and fly like idiots into your face where surely, SURELY, they’ll suffocate you until you die.

  33. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You just KNOW they’re gonna kill you. I get it. I so do.

  34. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:32 am Gillyann Says:

    Scorpions… :::shudders:::

  35. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:12 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OHMYGOD. I couldn’t live in the southwest. Those things freak me out too much.

  36. On April 28th, 2011 at 12:10 pm Gillyann Says:

    I know, I couldn’t either. I watched this horrible show called “Infested” on Animal Planet the other day and these poor people’s home was infested (shocker) with scorpions. They were so bad that all their efforts coupled with the efforts of trained professional exterminators couldn’t kill the damn aliens. They actually had to just pick up and move.

  37. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:35 am Erin Says:

    I have no idea what the hell an earwig is. However, I hate spiders and have passed this fear to my daughter, who at 16 woke up her 14 year old brother to kill one and he beat it with a bat..on a hardwood floor. And splintered it. Killed the spider AND the floor.

  38. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:12 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Okay, I just died laughing. Not AT you, of course. WITH you.

  39. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:36 am Desi Says:

    I can’t take baths. Showers – yes, baths – Hell. No. I saw a movie when I was little, like, impressionable little, and there was a snake and a woman in a bathtub. I can’t get into it, but it was traumatic. I can’t take baths.

  40. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:12 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I hate taking showers. I blame Psycho.

  41. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:56 am SoberJulie Says:

    I am a TOTAL bugaphobe, seriously sucks now that my 5 year old is like me. I have to hide my repulsion. I don’t kill the bug in her room late at night like most Mom’s would, I bring her to sleep in my room and allow that nasty bug to live in her room happily until Hubby gets home.

  42. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:13 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My 4-year old hates bugs so much that he flips out whenever he sees one. Like FLIPS OUT. I feel really bad for him because he’s SO distraught.

  43. On April 27th, 2011 at 11:10 am Rebecca Says:

    Ticks freak me out too as do head lice. Ewwwoohh!!

    But a tick story? I worked as a paraprofessional with special school district when I was in my very early 20’s. Some boy asks to go potty and when he comes back he drops his pants to the floor and said, “I’ve got a tick on my dick”

    I about passed out from laughing so hard and then I took him to the nurse to remidy the problem because I wasn’t gonna touch the tick or the dick. eewwoohhhh

  44. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:13 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh. My. God.

  45. On April 27th, 2011 at 11:22 am Dawn Says:

    Oh, flying. In airplanes. I know your mother is right, but I still don’t like being 35,000 feet in the air and at the mercy of a bunch of strangers. All you need is for one member of the ground crew to lose focus for a minute and you is in TAH-RUBBLE.

    Also claustrophobic, but only about really, teeny, tiny places that I can’t leave of my own accord, so as long as I don’t spelunk or get buried alive (thanks for NUTHIN’, Edgar Allan Poe), I’m good on that one. MRIs are a no-go, though.

    Millipedes and centipedes. Ick, ICK, SQUICK!!! Silverfish don’t bother me because they’re so small I can’t see their 60 bazillion legs and they don’t even go crunch when you squish ’em.

    Other than that, I’m relatively fearless. Sucks about the flying, though. I used to like to travel before the evil flying phobia dropped on me.

  46. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:14 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I hate traffic for the same reasons. Like, too claustrophobic and nowhere to go.

  47. On April 28th, 2011 at 12:14 pm Gillyann Says:

    Oh my god, I totally forgot about millipedes and centipedes. I can’t stand those things and their millions of legs allow them to fun away so fast before I can kill them. NOTHING should have that many legs. I mean, I’m of the opinion that spiders have too many legs. I think 4 legs should be biology’s limit. Anything with more than 4 legs should be amputated or just killed off the face of the planet.

  48. On April 27th, 2011 at 11:26 am Chris in PHX Says:

    When I first moved to Phoenix years ago I was terrified of scorpians. And the house I bought was infested with them! After about a year of them freaking the hell out of me everytime we crossed paths my partner got me a pair of long bbq tongs and one of those creme brule torch things. Grab em and fry em, Im not so scared anymore.
    BTW, its my Birfday today please form a line to the left if youd like to spank me 🙂

  49. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:14 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Send me some cake!

  50. On April 27th, 2011 at 12:10 pm leanne Says:

    Ear wigs, silverfish, and any bug that crunches when I have to kill it (because as much as I despise them, I can’t let them live). I scream like a little girl.

    Also heights.

  51. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:14 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Hahahahaha. Now I just barfed.

  52. On April 27th, 2011 at 12:12 pm Pam Says:

    I do not like ticks either- scary little things. They just creep me out. I don’t really care for bugs of any kind. You had me thinking of the movie The Fly…LOL

  53. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:15 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude, yeah. BLECH.

  54. On April 27th, 2011 at 12:16 pm JenniferB Says:

    Being a biologist, most bug-like things really don’t bother me all that much. Put it this way, found a brown-widow spider in my classroom and kept it for a year, as a pet. Yeah. I’m totally nerdy in the wildlife dept. However, there is one household little pest that does give me a little creepish feeling…. the “silverfish”. See . So… turns out, your earwig EATS my silverfish. Awesome. FTW. But the only creepy crawly I truly truly hate are the FLEAS. Ugh! Those nasty buggers are so hard to kill and can get everywhere, and they seem to have a particular fondness for my flesh. And of course, I have a ridiculously strong reaction to their bites, thanks immune system for really kicking in only when I DON’T want you to! My house was infested when I bought it. Shivers. Good thing I’m a nerd… I won that war fairly quickly.
    But yeah, ticks are pretty nasty. Poor Mimi.

  55. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:15 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Woah. You kept a BROWN WIDOW? You’re a braver woman than I.

  56. On April 27th, 2011 at 12:43 pm Joules Says:

    My fear is not weird-ass, it’s completely rational. No matter what my husband tells you it is perfectly normal, and actually safety conscious and good fucking parenting to check and re-check the gas stove after cooking. It’s also just common sense and self preservation to quickly exit any place that has a strong smell of gas. Even if no one smells it but you.
    I also don’t know what an earwig is. And don’t want to, thank you very much. But I do have a fear of whatever came out of Checkov’s ear in Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Kahn. I spent many sleepless teenage nights worrying about those ear slugs. And yes, I know that one’s irrational. It was filmed in the 80’s for gods sake.

  57. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:15 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Those ear slugs were fucking creepy, dude.

  58. On April 27th, 2011 at 3:16 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    Swarming ants freak me the fuck out. Shudder.

  59. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:16 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yeah, they’re creepy when they do that. Especially when it’s over some dead BIGGER bug. Blech.

  60. On April 27th, 2011 at 4:16 pm aubrey Says:

    I am afraid of bees, wasps,hornets, anything that flys and has a stinger really. I will run away screaming. My kids find it hilarious when one flies in the car and I start freaking out and pull over and jump out til the bastard flys away. Seriously, I used to make my grandma, who could barely walk, chase the wasps for me. She always had them in her house and I would run away and she would wobble over grab it with a kleenex and flush it down the toilet, after she made sure that I heard it angrily buzzing in her hand. It’s completely irrational. I am not allergic. The actual stings don’t bother me. I am just terrified.

  61. On April 28th, 2011 at 11:16 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    No, I think it’s rational. I mean, they’re fucking PAINFUL when they sting.

  62. On April 27th, 2011 at 4:19 pm Tara Says:

    My brother has had lyme disease THREE SEPARATE TIMES. He no longer walks the dog in the woods.

    I am afraid of snakes. And having my fly down in public. And when really old gross people try to kiss me.

  63. On April 27th, 2011 at 4:58 pm fran Says:

    We live in East Texas so ticks are just a part of life. Although I was particularly mortified when I took my middle clone to the DOCTOR and when asked, “If anything else was bothering him” he said, “It itches behind my ear.” Sure enough, big fat tick back there. Then she tried to get it out and ended up leaving the head in there which caused even more trouble. *sigh* I felt like the ultimate hillbilly mama that day!
    Also earwigs = immediate freak-out!

  64. On April 27th, 2011 at 5:19 pm Denise Says:

    Ticks totally freak me out. You are the second person to mention ticks today and now I feel them crawling all over me. And I’m searching all over the net about Lyme Disease (I MUST have it, I’m sure).

  65. On April 27th, 2011 at 5:25 pm KaraB Says:

    Bats!! I cannot stand them, I can’t even watch them on TV. However, I do know more about them then the normal person. Know your enemy!! Years ago, I had my jaw broken and couldn’t talk and a bat flew into me and got all caught up on my face and hair. It was the most traumatic experience of my teenage years I think.

  66. On April 27th, 2011 at 6:22 pm Yvonne! Says:

    Had a patient come into work the other day talking about a lump on her eye that showed up a week ago. It was an effing TICK. An effing tick that had been on her eye for a week!! SHUDDER!
    What the eff is an earwig?

  67. On April 27th, 2011 at 7:33 pm Sara Says:

    That conversation is pretty much word-for-word what I do to my poor mother ALL THE TIME. What’s this over here? Does this look a little red? And as soon as she reassures me that I’m an overreacting hysteric, then I’m totally cured of the mystical plague that had overtaken my finger a few seconds prior.

    Moms rock.

  68. On April 27th, 2011 at 8:42 pm Lisa Says:

    you seriously make my depressing ass leukemia filled life totally more bearable, thanks for making me laugh!

  69. On April 27th, 2011 at 9:52 pm Neeroc Says:

    Great, now I’m picturing you with a big chin and dressed all in blue.

    As for the non-reacting mom? Mine did the same thing, even when I had little complications like oh, broken bones and neck injuries that made me pass out. Good times. *g*

  70. On April 27th, 2011 at 10:29 pm Teala Says:

    Oh. man. Ticks are weird as shit. I’m not scared of many bugs, but I just hate them. Bees and wasps are another story though. I’m allergic to both, and when I see them, I run. I will flip the fuck out. Also, geese. Those motherfuckers are gross and mean as hell. Birds. Also birds. I’m taking a graduate Alfred Hitchcock film class right now, and we had to watch that damn movie. I wrote an entire paper on my fear of birds. Ick. Childbirth also freaks me the fuck out. If my boyfriend ever wants to have crotch-parasites with me, I’ll deal with that fear then. Damn–I’m pretty fucked up. But it could be worse.

    PS: I *really* hope you’re not turning into a big, hairless tick. I don’t know that I could live in a world without your beautimous hair and wonderful cats and laser beam murals.

  71. On April 27th, 2011 at 11:43 pm Michelle Says:

    I grew up in Arizona, and we had tons of them there. Our house came with irrigation. Yeah, once a month you turned this thing in the ground, and water flooded our yard. Suburban/metro area too. Weird.
    Anyway, when there wasn’t water in the channels under the house, there were the biggest muthfuckin’ cockroaches you’ve ever seen. FLYING ONES TOO!
    BLEGH. Once a few of them flew towards my sister and I chased us in the house!
    Nasty fuckers, when I see them I flip the fuck out!

  72. On April 27th, 2011 at 11:46 pm Aimee Giese | Greeblemonkey Says:

    My thing is moths. I act like they are going to flutter all over me with their moth dust and I will die some dusty moth death. WHICH COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN.

  73. On April 28th, 2011 at 1:10 am Veronica Says:

    Centipedes. I didn’t KNOW I was terrified of centipedes until one climbed over the arm of the couch I was sitting in one day and I had a full blown panic attack, but whatever.

    I am also terrified of dislocating a major joint in public, with all the screaming and wetting myself it entails. So far major dislocations have been in the privacy of my own home and can we keep it that way please?

  74. On April 28th, 2011 at 2:05 am Tracie Says:

    Leeches. It isn’t that I’ve ever been attacked by one, or even actually seen one (which maybe makes it worse….because, what exactly does a leech look like?) but I think about them, and they terrify me.

    Also, in the south, we have those big roaches that fly. Those are just wrong. All sorts of wrong.

  75. On April 28th, 2011 at 6:59 am Becky Says:

    Ugh I hate ticks, we go down south every summer to visit family and at least 1 of the kids and the hubs will pick one of those weird scary little bugs up, and it’s always me that finds them on the tick inspection and then has to remove the little fucker. Let me tell you removing them is the most stressful part (well unless it’s on one of the kids and they realize it then that’s a whole nother story, try getting a 8 y/o girl to stand still for tick removal after you tell her there’s a tick inbeded on her skin, that’s some good times), if you don’t pull them out just right they leave behind their stingers or mouths or whatever you call them and that’s when you really get to worry.

  76. On April 28th, 2011 at 7:04 am John Says:

    As someone who lives with Lyme disease, ticks are absolute assholes. I had a very well paying summer internship every summer between years of college, and I never missed a day (and? I was in summer between years of college, I nursed some major hangovers during work). But, I missed a full week my last summer . . . after days of crippling headaches and fevers, I finally went to the doctor, and we found Lyme.

    Every few years, I end up with what I can only call an aftershock. It’s been awhile, so I don’t know if I’m finally getting over things, or if I’m due for a major flareup…eek.

    I’m like you, though, most insects don’t bother me in the least – I hated mosquitoes for awhile, but then I moved, and I live near a pond, but I never have a mosquito problem because the previous homeowner built a bat-house on the side of the shed and it’s awesome to watch them come out at night and just feast on those things that would rather be feasting on me.

  77. On April 28th, 2011 at 7:27 am Meg at the Members Lounge Says:

    Moths bouncing off the bedroom ceiling at night make me take my pillow and blanket to another part of the house. Immediately. I then I have to hunt them down the next morning. I figured out a vacuum cleaner sucks them up nice and neat.

  78. On April 28th, 2011 at 7:36 am Vinobaby Says:

    Those of you who “like” mosquitoes are insane. They freaking love me and chase me down like a pack of vampires going after am the last human on earth. I actually had to hide in the water from them last week because they were swarming me–nasty. I’d rather put a little nail polish or even a match on a tick than feel like I am constantly about to be carried away by flying monkeys (err mosquitoes)…

  79. On April 28th, 2011 at 8:47 am CC Says:

    Now I’m all paranoid!!! Ewwww…I hate any and all creepy crawlies. Totally allergic to ants, bees, and wasps!!!

  80. On April 28th, 2011 at 9:37 am CycleNinja Says:

    Here’s a little something to help you sleep better:


  81. On April 28th, 2011 at 10:12 am Heather Says:

    Where we live out dogs get them all the time. And they have long hair so sometimes we will miss one and then you find it all swolen on the ground. It is SOOO gross!! I agree with you on the earwigs too… and spiders… don’t even get me started on spiders….

  82. On April 28th, 2011 at 1:09 pm Zakary Says:

    I grew up in Oklahoma and ticks were a way of life. To this very day, if my head itches, I immediately think TICK. And once, my sister got in a seed tick NEST and I remember my parents hosing her off in the driveway. They were all over her, it looked like she was wearing a suit made of tiny ticks.

  83. On April 28th, 2011 at 3:33 pm ColinP Says:

    I used to get allergy shots until I had the big “A” reaction. Going to “A” town sucks, sucks hard.

  84. On April 28th, 2011 at 4:06 pm Sara Says:

    Earwigs give me mini panic attacks. I know that they don’t actually crawl into your ears, but they are still disgusting. Centipedes? OMG, we have centipedes here, and they make me want to do crazy shit to my house. A 3-inch long centipede crawled under my stove and I didn’t go near the stove for 3 days. (Not that I minded. Or actually went near my stove that much before. Ahem.)

  85. On April 28th, 2011 at 9:24 pm Stacey Says:

    My sister is a physician assistant and on my speed dial whenever I think something is wrong with me.

    “I have a largish crazy rash-looking thing on the top of my hip.”

    “Is it like a bulls-eye?”

    “Uh . . . sorta.”

    “You have Lyme disease.”

    “Maybe it’s just a bruise?”

    “If you press on it, does it blanch?”

    “Um . . . yes.”

    “Then it’s not a bruise. You freaken have Lyme disease. Go to the doctor.”

    So, yeah, I hate ticks too.

  86. On April 29th, 2011 at 7:37 am shelly Says:

    well auntie becky let me make you feel better (worse lol) I did this to my best friend and shes never quite forgiven me. I grew up on a farm, ticks where a part of life, as I came out of the woods as a child id run my fingers through my hair over and over again to find the ticks and pull them out.

    I have serious issues with lots of bugs, spiders are the devil. I’m allergic to bumble bees (a nest fell on me when I was six, 79 stings later, im allergic… go figure) and copper head bites to the ankles.
    but I digress …

    bumbs that itch and keep getting bigger if your a gardener our outside girl, can be and usually are chiggers.

    Google chiggers… they are a fun fun bug that is too small to see and which crawls into your pores and lives happly.

    The tried and true method to see if any bite you have is a chigger, take clear nail polish, paint the top completly, if you feel like ramming a knife into your leg to make it stop the sudden burning and tingling. that theres a little bug in ya trying to make a home.

    Just keep clear polish on the spot, and they sufficate and die.

    Now that Ive caused chaos im running away before you can catch me!!!!!

  87. On April 29th, 2011 at 8:30 pm Caroline Says:

    Ok so I’ve got the standard fear of spiders/roaches/rats/Fucking FROGS/walking sticks, but the thing that freaks me out the most…road kill. I fear that while driving smushed animal guts will stick to my car and then drop on my shoes when I get out of the car.

  88. On April 29th, 2011 at 11:16 pm Dorothy Says:

    Unfinished wood.
    Bed bugs which I have had before.
    I had to go out and buy two new mattresses, wash all the clothes, spray everything, buy special mattress/pillow covers that are bed bug safe. Spent over $4000.
    Told Pop he had to wash all clothes in HOT water and dry them on HOT air until clothes were DRY – not damp but actually dry.
    He wanted to be miserly and save the money.
    I have bed bugs again and can’t afford to go fix it again.
    They don’t seem to bother him but apparently they LOVE me. So if you want to become very rich it is time to buy stock in whatever company makes benadryl because I am basically taking it all the time (you know you are immune when it no longer puts you to sleep).
    So, yeah, unfinished wood, frogs, bed bugs and those fucking worms that crawl out of my dogs ass because he ate a flea because he sleeps in my bed and I fear they will decide to move to a new “host.”
    The vet says they can’t be transferred to humans. I am still scared.
    And those are the IRRATIONAL fears.

  89. On April 29th, 2011 at 11:27 pm Dorothy Says:

    Just thinking about all this has me scratching.
    Thanks Aunt Becky.

  90. On April 30th, 2011 at 3:02 pm Rebecca Says:

    Potato Bugs….period.

  91. On April 30th, 2011 at 7:56 pm Dulcibella Says:

    Moths ARE the very scariest. How they start slamming into lightbulbs when you turn on a light. My friend once had a moth fly RIGHT INTO HER EAR! She had to go to the emergency room to have it removed and she almost lost her sanity for real hearing and feeling that moth in her ear canal.

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