Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Three In The Bed And The Little One Said…


go sleep on the couch, Mommy.

I’ve never been a big proponent of the family bed.

Before you get all THINK OF THE CHILDREN, don’t mistake my meaning: It’s not that I don’t love my babies or anything, it’s that I like my sleep more. And adding two babies to my bed means that I spend half the night being kicked in the kidneys by a toddler who prefers to sleep horizontally because sleeping vertically is, apparently, full of the lame. I’d thought we’d gotten past the whole “kicking my internal organs” thing once I popped her out of my body, but I was wrong.

Adding to my bed another child – Alex – who’s five, means that he worms his way across his sleeping sister so that he can poke my eyeballs and stick his fingers up my sleeping nose, giggling uproariously until he’s sleepy enough to drift back into the land of nod.

By the time the sun peeks through the bedroom window, I’m staring glassy-eyed at the fug green of my walls and wondering how the sun got to be so damn bright at 7AM. Shouldn’t there be a law against that? I feel like their should be. Maybe I should sue the sun.

I’m starting to feel like it might be time to start shopping for kids bunk beds. Not for me, because, as someone who once broke a toe making a sandwich THAT WASN’T EVEN FOR ME, I’m about as able to sleep on a top bunk without breaking something as I am to eat a jar of mayo. I’ll do a lot for a bet, but that doesn’t come close.

Part of the reason I’d dig a bunk bed for the Littles is because, as the last born with a sibling ten years my senior, I’d always thought the idea of having a special cozy bunk bed would be full of the awesome. I mean – a bed. With a sibling on top of me. The thought of that makes me nostalgic for my childhood, in the same way a Bob Seger song does – nostalgia without a hint of experience.

See? You listen to that and you’re all, OMG HE KNOWS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A MUSICIAN JUST LIKE ME – I’M A MUSICIAN ON TOUR, TOO. Until you realize you can’t even play the triangle without a stunt double.

I’m probably wrong. I have to imagine that if I did, in fact, manage to get a bunk bed for the Littles, they’d still want to

a) Sleep in my bed

2) Have ME sleep in their bunk bed with them, a situation that would NOT work out well.

So for the time being, I’m going to guess that I’ll just “wake up” each morning with a couple of kids poking me and sticking their fingers in my mouth, laughing uproariously.

three in the bed and the little one said

I won’t lie. I like seeing the tiny Muppets curled up in my bed. My kidneys, though, they tell another story.

sponsored post


Do you do the family bed thing, Pranksters? Have you used bunk beds before? Where are my pants?

posted under I Suck At Life
43 Comments to

“Three In The Bed And The Little One Said…”

  1. On September 27th, 2012 at 10:28 am @mommywantsvodka Says:

    I love you, Baby but..

  2. On September 27th, 2012 at 10:34 am @pbscls Says:

    “@mommywantsvodka: I love you, Baby but..”…..funny stuff!

  3. On September 27th, 2012 at 10:34 am Beth Says:

    So far, Pike is content to sleep in his bed. That said, I see a change on the horizon as he moves into a toddler bed and starts moving around more freely. God help us all.

  4. On September 27th, 2012 at 10:42 am Tracie Says:

    I always always always wanted bunk beds. I thought they were the coolest thing ever invented when I was a kid.

    But when you are an only child, your parents don’t see the point in buying bunk beds when you have a perfectly adequate bed sitting in your room. No amount of pointing out that a non-bunk bed wasn’t adequate would convince them.

    Then I discovered Murphy beds. A bed that folds up into the wall? Yes, please. I’m still holding out hope that one day I will get one of those.

  5. On September 27th, 2012 at 10:42 am Julie Says:

    OMG, my youngest wakes up in the middle of the night, and wants to sleep with me. Usually I hold firm about telling her to go back to her own bed (and deal with the guilt as she walks away crying). Sometimes I cave, and I regret it the next morning.

    Because…I will be snuggled with (read: jostled awake every 10 minutes), asked for permission for water, toilet runs, whatever. Told “I love you” many times…while cute, it almost always happens about 2 minutes after I’ve managed to fall back asleep.

    It is exhausting to have my youngest in bed with me. Especially since my animals wake me up at 6am and they have no concept of weekends. 🙁

  6. On September 27th, 2012 at 11:07 am Synnove Says:

    I had a bunk bed for a little while with my middle sister before the youngest was born. They are awesome. You can make caves and castles out of them, and, if you fold a blow-up mattress in half and then jump from the top bunk onto one end of said mattress, you can REALLY launch someone sitting on the other end … Not that I ever did that…. 🙂

  7. On September 27th, 2012 at 11:11 am FnJerzeeGrrl Says:

    I’m a big fan of, “the kids should sleep where everyone sleeps best” method. That has changed over the years from co-sleeping with a nursling, crib sleeping (not me, the kid), co-sleeping with toddler and moving her to her big girl bed when my arm fell asleep, to, “go back to bed, you’re 10.” The only thing I’m sure of, they will not want to sleep with you when they are 21 and it they do that’s not your biggest problem…

  8. On September 27th, 2012 at 11:24 am moonspun Says:

    I used to sleep with my daughter until she was 5 or so. It was often like wrestling sometimes. She is 12 and sometimes when my husband is gone she’ll want to sleep with me for the night, for old times sake. But more often than not she just wants to cuddle, then go sleep in her own….which is good. She’s too big to wrestle with withy any success on my part.
    If you get a bunkbed, look for one with a full size on the bottom, those are very cool and give options for sleepoever and siblings to sleep together, too.

  9. On September 27th, 2012 at 12:35 pm Nicole Says:

    The family bed has recently become an issue around here. Two of us prefer it. One of us does not. Oddly, though I am the one sleeping with little feet in my face, I am not the objector. No, that’s Daddy, who is tired of being kicked in the junk all night long.

    It goes like this: Daddy waits until Bebe and Mumma are asleep, then sneaks Bebe into her bed — the one in her room (she also has one in our room, from when she was a Tiny Bebe). Bebe wakes in the middle of the night, doesn’t know where she is, and cries. I stumble to the bed in our room, panic, then remember she has another bed. Go retrieve her and bring her into our bed. She kicks Daddy (well, he *did* put her in the other room). Rinse and repeat. All night, every night.

    Thing is, I’m the kind of mom that checks to make sure the child’s still breathing any time she gets too quiet. I sleep better if she’s kicking me in the head, because I know she’s still alive. So I’m cool with the family bed. I just wish we had a *bigger* bed, because I usually only get a sliver of bed (and blankets…let’s not even get started on those).

  10. On September 27th, 2012 at 12:42 pm Cindy Says:

    Trying to sleep in the same bed as Sunshine and our little doggie is bad enough, what with all the snoring they both do, Sunshine’s feet steadily pushing my legs off the bed, and the little puppy constantly trying to burrow under my pillow. I cannot imagine getting poked in the eyes and kicked in the kidneys while trying to sleep. It sounds too much like an episode of the Three Stooges up in your bed, AB.

  11. On September 27th, 2012 at 12:56 pm The Mommy Says:

    Not intentionally – our 3-year-old thinks that she’s supposed to sleep in our bed, I guess. Horizontally, as you mentioned. While kicking someone’s kidneys and/or peeing next to someone else’s head. Pull-ups sometimes leak, OK?

  12. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha. I know! THEY SO DO!

  13. On September 27th, 2012 at 1:04 pm melanie Says:

    I did a lot of research about bunk beds before buying my son a set…. I bought a set that was rated to hold adults (as its my ass up there changing the sheets–though to be fair I dont often have to do it because my son has only once in 5 years slept on the top bunk!!)…. but I do love the extra bed for cousins sleeping over or when his sister wants to bug him by staying in his room 🙂

  14. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    See, you’re all smart and stuffs!

  15. On September 27th, 2012 at 1:52 pm leanne Says:

    No family bed for us… like you, I like sleep far too much. And I’m a horribly light sleeper. So adding another person (particularly a squirmy child) to the bed is the last thing I need.

    We did actually buy a bunk bed when our oldest was ready for his big boy bed. However, we didn’t put the whole thing together. We only put together the top bunk and put it in his room (the railings around most of the bed kept him from falling out), and we stored the unassembled bottom bunk in our basement. Then when our youngest was ready for her big girl bed, she got the top bunk that her brother had been using, and we assembled the bottom bunk and gave that to our son. Our son has asked about putting the bunks together, but I’m not sure it will ever happen. 1. They would never get to sleep if they shared a room. And 2. The whole idea of trying to change the sheets on the top bunk… sounds like mission impossible to me. However, I would consider a trundle bed.

  16. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Sleep = where I’m a viking.

  17. On September 27th, 2012 at 1:58 pm Tracey Says:

    My kids had bunk beds for years and well…we made the bunk bed by ourselves and it was/is full of the awesome.
    Our house was small and only had two bedrooms until a few yers ago so our kids shared a room way longer than they probably should have. But they loved their bunk beds.
    Once we split the bedrooms my daughter kept the bunk and turned the top one into her bed and the lower bunk into her lounge. That loune of course belongs to the dogs when she’s not home but BUNK BEDS rock.

    We’re not fans of the fmaily bed mostly because oh my I want to sleep through the night thank you very much. If that’s your thing, have at it without any criticism from me.

    I have no idea where your pants are.

  18. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think the pants are in Vegas. The only likely solution.

  19. On September 27th, 2012 at 2:06 pm PottyMouthMommy Says:

    THIS- is why the bunkbed we got for the girls is double over double. Because a queen size bed just cannot possibly hold 2 large adults, two cats, and three kids… also– I think I need a bigger bed!

    We don’t “do” the family bed per se, but sometimes it just happens. For example, last night I slept with my 2 month old because he absolutely refused to sleep any other way and I was balls-tired. Most nights, I end up in mine and hubby’s bed with the baby while he sleeps with the 2 year old who has woken needing love in the middle of the night. Love the bunk beds btw, even though I hated having a bunk bed with my brother growing up… mostly because I was OCD and liked things very neat and tidy and he was a monster who liked messes and destruction and sharing a room meant MY stuff was the stuff he liked to mess and destroy. For my girls, even though there’s a huge age difference- it works.

  20. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m thinking California King next time. Altho, by the time my bed is in a place where it can have that size, they’ll prolly be teens.

  21. On September 27th, 2012 at 3:23 pm Cindy Says:

    Bunkbeds are the shit!
    I got a bunkbed for the girls when they were 5 and 3. Big kid on top, little one on the bottom. Of course the little one liked to be on the top bunk. One evening, I had about enough of the fighting and carrying on, I tossed them in their room and took a really long bubble bath. So, I’m sitting, relaxing, when I hear a thump and cry. I thought they were just jumping around and being crazy, so I jumped out of the tub, ran into their room to find the little one on the floor- not crying anymore. I was pissed, so I picked her up and put her in her bed. Light’s out. Next day, she wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning. The little shit had “fallen” off the top bunk and BROKE HER LEG!!! (it was more of a little crack, but still.) I felt like to WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD! Got a lecture on bunk beds from the orthopedist (which I promptly ignored) and the little shit got a cool purple cast.
    Many months later, the big shit confessed to her dad that she pushed little shit off the bed! We knew that was what happened, but it was nice to hear the confession.
    Now, several years later, the girls have loft beds. Everybody gets the top bunk!!

  22. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:33 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  23. On September 27th, 2012 at 4:40 pm nikkiana Says:

    And this is the part when I think,… Ohh thank the gods and goddesses that I don’t have children because it’s bad enough trying to sleep with a snoring man who thinks his side of the bed is the middle and whom you can’t kick hard enough in the junk to wake him up and move him back over to the side of the bed.

  24. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:33 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha! I’m happy about that bit of the single life.

  25. On September 27th, 2012 at 4:41 pm Triplezmom Says:

    No family bed for me. I can barely share with my husband. We do have a mattress on the floor of our room in case anyone wants to stay with us. Mostly they just like to check in at 3am and then leave an hour later. Like a cheap ass motel.

  26. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:32 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha. Well, that’s kids, for ya. At least they don’t (usually) bring fleas.

  27. On September 27th, 2012 at 5:03 pm Sue Says:

    My plan is to get my 4 and 2 year old bunk beds but super-duper high ones (like 40 feet) so they cannot possibly scale down it on their own.

    Or I’m just going to put lids on the day beds they sleep in now.

    Honestly, it’s probably going to be the lid thing.

  28. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahaha. I think the lids are a far better idea. Just poke air holes in.

  29. On September 27th, 2012 at 9:41 pm Brittany Says:

    My little sister and I got bunk beds when we were little. We had it for three months. I loved that bed. Well, until I was sleeping one night and the foot of the bed of the top bunk can unattached and fell. My dumb four year old self, woken by the sensation of falling, grabbed onto the mattress with my teeth. And my poor two year old sister was woken up by the bed falling on her. It took me three years to grow my adult teeth and my sister never slept on a bottom bunk again.

  30. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OMFG. I think I just had a panic attack.

  31. On September 28th, 2012 at 9:22 pm Brittany Says:

    Funny thing is, I still like Bunk Beds. 🙂 But I’m pretty sure my niece and nephew will never have them. 😛

  32. On September 27th, 2012 at 10:28 pm Sunny Says:

    I am ambivalent about the family bed, as far as my own family is concerned. We have co-slept with our infants out of necessity. (The only thing worse than getting kicked in the ribs all night is getting out of bed and walking down the freezing cold hall to nurse a baby 8 times before sunrise.) Now that we are on our last baby, I’m feeling all sappy and I don’t want to move him into his crib. But eventually he’ll be less interested in boobs (well, MY boobs) and we’ll move him out. Le sigh.

    We were THISCLOSE to getting bunk beds for our toddlers. Then we chickened out.

  33. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, I so remember those bounding days. And yeah, something about being done with kids makes me WAY happy they’re interested in sleeping with me.

  34. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:54 am Devan Says:

    NO KIDS ALLOWED in this mommys bed!!! Never, no way, no how. (Ok, an occasional Saturday morning, only after 8, to snuggle, tickle, watch cartoons is ok, but that’s it!!) That is MY bed and you have a very nice bed with pretty sheets and pillows and stuffed friends, top notch night lights and noise makers, etc. My kids sleep great in their own beds because they have NEVER been in mine (minus nursing 0-3 months old, and even then – not all the time). I like my sleep WAAAAYYYY too much for that nonsense! If someone else wants to do it, fine by me – knock yourself out, I think your kids is gonna turn out just fine, I just dont like doing it myself.
    I got my oldest a double bed so when it storms or she is sick and needs mommy lovin’ I can sleep WITH HER, and once her need has passed, I go back to my own bed. It may sound mean, but I dont care, no kids in my bed……I dont yell or push them out on their heads, they just have never slept in there so they dont even know its a thing.

    Also? Bunk Beds are awesome!! My brother and I had them and loved them! They make the coolest ones now, double bed on bottom, single on top with rails – I say go for it!

  35. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is why I love you.

  36. On September 28th, 2012 at 11:41 am Lisa @ Floating Along... Says:

    I was never allowed to sleep in my parents’ bed. And when we have kids, we don’t plan to let them sleep with us either. But who knows – we also said we would NEVER let a dog sleep in our bed, yet every. single. night. my husband gets up and lets her up on the bed with us. He’s such a sucker. We’re screwed!

  37. On September 28th, 2012 at 12:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I totally said never, too. Weird how that works 🙂

  38. On September 28th, 2012 at 8:09 pm jeri Says:

    Kids LOVE bunk beds. The down-side is the fighting over who gets the top bunk. Make sure the bottom bunk kid thinks they’re getting the best deal cause they have a fort, puppet theater, etc., and you might even get to sleep til 8am…once..which is one time better than never.

  39. On September 28th, 2012 at 11:06 pm Tiffany D Says:

    The family bed kind of snuck up on us. At first it was just the nursing baby, because I am extremely lazy and all about making things easier on myself. Then when we had a 2nd baby we got the big sister her own “big girl” bed. That actually worked for awhile. Then we had baby #3, and it all kind of went downhill from there. . .
    #2 wasn’t quite ready to sleep on his own, so we ended up with a baby and a toddler in the bed. Eventually the youngest was 2, and they all liked falling asleep in a pile. So we had the bright idea to move all three of them into their own room with their own “big kid” beds. It worked for a little while, until baby #4 arrived.
    Now along with the nursing baby in the bed, we have a 4 year old who has decided that there is a monster in his room that his sisters cannot protect him from. He’s usually in our bed by midnight. After him comes the 2 year old who is working on potty training and wakes up in the middle of the night to pee. Apparently she cannot possibly return to her own bed after peeing, so she gets in Mommy and Daddy’s. Most days I wake up crammed into a corner of our queen sized bed with two children laying across the bottom of the bed, an infant in the middle, and my 6ft husband clinging to his side of the bed with his fingernails. My 6 year old has started getting very upset because she wakes up to find that her siblings have abandoned her in the middle of the night. Luckily for us she really doesn’t have a desire to pile into the full bed to sleep.

  40. On September 29th, 2012 at 1:31 pm Sugel Says:

    I’m starting to feel like it might be time to start shopping for kids bunk beds . Not for me, because, as someone who once broke a toe making a sandwich THAT WASN’T EVEN FOR ME, I’m about as able to sleep on a top bunk without breaking something as I am to eat a jar of mayo. I’ll do a lot for a bet, but that doesn’t come close.

  41. On October 7th, 2012 at 6:22 pm Devon Pavan Says:

    Everyone told me my youngest (at 11) was too old to sneak into my side of my bed at 4am. Then my ex-husband decided it would be better if she lived with him. So now, those moments she slept spooned up to me are precious memories. They really are only going once. I just didn't think I would be saying that so soon.

  42. On October 30th, 2012 at 7:29 pm Miss Adventure Says:

    Try sleeping in a hospital bed with a toddler. Because ALL toddlers think vertical sleeping is lame. So you’re curled in five percent of the bed, rucked up against the railing, while your ovaries or kidneys are being pummeled (depending on which way you’re facing) while the child pulls you to them by your shirt collar. Oh, and vitals every four hours.


  43. On April 17th, 2013 at 3:38 pm Andreas Sirin Says:

    I remember vividly the day my family moved from Cedar Rapids, Iowa to Chicago. I was all of ten years old and like any child would be, excited to see the city. My father had received a promotion at the bank he had worked at since well before I was born and we were now leaving the relative comfort of our home for an apartment on Michigan Avenue. Driving into the city was almost surreal, and although sullen over leaving my friends behind, I was enthralled with the possibility of great opportunities that lay ahead. All the wonder and amazement I was experiencing after having traveled through the concrete canyons of the Windy City was soon overshadowed by the news that my father decided to impart to me the moment we entered our new domicile. I would be sharing a room with my younger brother.-

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...