Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

This Is Why Teen Pregnancy Is Bad, Kids.


(doorbell rings, a pair of dogs begins to bark. A woman hoists her pregnant butt off the couch while telling her young son to get his shoes on)

Woman With Pregnant Ass opens door and invites the person standing there inside.

WWPA (obviously trying to be nice and make conversation): “Hey, how’s it going?”

Man Standing With Sour Expression in Hallway: “Fine.”

WWPA: “Ben should be down in a second, he’s getting his shoes on.”

7 year old clomps down stairs with shoes on and says, “Hi Dad.”

MSWSEH: “Where’s your sweater?”

WWPA (genuinely confused): “What sweater?”

MSWSEH: “Why can’t you dress him for the weather? It’s WINTER.”

WWPA (looking incredulously at Man, then child, who is wearing jeans and a t-shirt): “Well, Nat, he DOES dress himself now. And he never gets cold. So why complain at him?”

MSWSEH now known as Nat: “It’s just that you never dress him for the cold, Becky.”

WWPA now known as Becky: “He dresses himself, dude. And if he’s not cold, why should I fight with him on it?”

Nat: “What, do you need me to buy him clothes now?”

Becky: “You’ve never bought him clothes in your life, Nat. We send him in nice clothes, he comes back in grubby clothes that are too small for him. If you want him to wear something particular, then buy him some clothes.”

Nat (becoming more and more hostile, to the point of sneering): “Is that why you send him in that stuff?”

Becky: “It’s the stuff that he has always come back from your house in. Maybe your parents buy it. Whatever. Hey Ben? Can you go see Dave now?”


Becky (now furious as well, as he has never given her a dime in child support, nor has he bought anything Ben has ever needed): “You have a lot of nerve coming in here and demanding that I send him in ‘nicer’ clothes. This is my house, I take care of all that Ben needs INCLUDING clothes, while you pick him up to drop him at your parents house.”

Nat (now yelling): “Do you need me to buy him clothes? Because if it’s about clothes, then I can buy him some.”

Becky: “If you want him to wear something nicer than what your parents provide him with, then yes. Until you do that, you have no right to come in here and demand that I put him in the nice clothes I buy for him. I cannot possibly send him to school in the clothes you have provided.”

(A toddler has toddled up behind the pregnant woman and is indicating that he’d like to be picked up. She bends over, wincing and plucks him into her arms)

Nat: “It’s always about money, isn’t it?”

Becky (confused by his sudden change of tactic): “Whaaat?”

Nat: “You’re such a bitch. A money-grubbing, label whoring bitch.”

Becky: “You may leave now. You may not speak to me this way in my home or ever. Good-bye.”

(Nat slams door behind him, and stomps away. Becky shakes her head and sighs deeply)

Becky (softly to herself, staring at the just-slammed door): I guess this is what they warn you about when they tell you not to have sex with someone before marriage.

(End scene)

Your turn, kidlets. What asshole things have happened to YOU lately?

58 Comments to

“This Is Why Teen Pregnancy Is Bad, Kids.”

  1. On January 16th, 2009 at 12:32 pm Jamie Says:

    I so feel your pain. My son’s dad is a major a-hole in a very similar way. He was so verbally abusive to me when we were married that I used to cry for days, until he told me once that it made him HAPPY to see me crying. Disgusting pig. It makes me tired just thinking about it. I am sorry you have to deal with that. Yuck.

  2. On January 16th, 2009 at 12:41 pm Miss Grace Says:

    Did Ben go with him?

  3. On January 16th, 2009 at 12:48 pm Elizabeth Ann Says:

    Good god what a douche nozzle

  4. On January 16th, 2009 at 12:49 pm Donna Says:

    Sorry Becky men can be such assholes and I hate to say it if I probably hadn’t married my husband I would’ve have dealt with a NAT when my son was growing up. This way I get to deal all the time…..J/K Yeah inquiring minds want to know did Ben go with him?

  5. On January 16th, 2009 at 12:52 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    So wait… did he leave without his son?

  6. On January 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm Becky, As Herself Says:

    Ben DID go with him, I believe. As much of a prickhole as he can be, he’s great to Ben. Shocking, BUT true.

  7. On January 16th, 2009 at 12:57 pm Sandy Says:

    WAIT! Oh god! So MY son isn’t the only child who goes to his father’s house on the weekend always dressed nicely and then is returned on Sunday in his cousin’s hand me downs and ill fitting shoes?

    I thought I was all alone in that one! This past Sunday (TRUE STORY) my ex husband brought my son home in the freezing cold with NO socks on. Why? Because he says that he didn’t have any socks for him.

    OK, um:

    1.) A 6 pack of Hanes socks for boys at Walmart is $3.94 – I KNOW this.

    2.) I HAVE sent the child to your house in wonderful new socks weekly for a month now and you return him in socks from when he was 4 years old, so where are all of the new socks?

    3.) Maybe if your lazy ass dirty house lovin wife would do a load of laundry once a month from the PILES all over your floor, then maybe you would FIND the socks that I’ve been sending him to your house in!

    Sorry to turn a comment into a blog, but I so totally needed to get that off my chest. ASSHOLES! And I lurve you!

  8. On January 16th, 2009 at 12:58 pm Calliope Says:

    holy hell. I mean seriously. Thank goodness Ben has your kick ass dna to fight the asshole gene.
    oof. That whole exchange was horrible. So sorry.

  9. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:13 pm Betts Says:

    That just sucks! You don’t need his attitude. You should have slapped him with the bitch tax.

    I don’t have any asshole stories (fortunately). Everyone has been unbelievably pleasant. I’ll send them all to you, so you can get some pleasant cooties.

  10. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:25 pm kbrients Says:

    Ugh. You should have pretending like you were going into labor right.then.

  11. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:26 pm Holly Says:

    UGH I HATE men like this. WTH you’re providing a home for your child while he does what he wants. You say he’s never paid a dime in support. UGH! What a loser.

    “Yes, buy him some clothes please. He has ripped 3 paperbags this week alone. Not sure if we have enough for him to go to school in next week.”

  12. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:31 pm Jane Says:

    Holy shit! Kudos to you for not punching him in the face. Yowza.

  13. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:35 pm Badass Geek Says:


    written and directed by: Aunt Becky

  14. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:50 pm Mrs.spit Says:

    Aww, you didn’t need that. Ben didn’t need to hear his mum talked about like that.

    I’m sorry. Stupid dirtbag.

  15. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:52 pm tash Says:

    Holy fucking shit. I would’ve gotten a sweater. And I hesitate to tell you what I would’ve done with it.

  16. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:53 pm c. Says:

    Okay, that shit is NOT cool. Tell Nat to go suck an egg after he’s done with the criticisms. I would have shut the door long before he had an opportunity spew that hate. What an idiot. Sorry, Beck.

  17. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:54 pm Kristine Says:

    Oh holy hell. I’m not a fighter, but that made me want to punch him in the face.

  18. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:56 pm Jenn Says:

    Oh fuck, what an asshole. That’s much worse than anything that’s happened to me lately. Seriously, at least all my shit’s temporary. That guy will be a dick forever.

  19. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:58 pm Betty M Says:

    What a wanker! Sorry about that. No asshole stuff to report but I did get to bitch about a totally assholey woman with a colleague. It felt good.

  20. On January 16th, 2009 at 1:58 pm Danielle Says:

    Ok, total lurker here, but I had to say AMEN sister!

    Kids – please don’t open your legs (or insert peen) unless you can imagine being with that person FOREVER! If I had loved myself more I wouldn’t currently be in the position of wanting to vomit (or think horrible thoughts) everytime I have to have even a phone conversation with my sons father.

    Great post. Sorry the sperm donor is such an ass.

  21. On January 16th, 2009 at 2:09 pm Heather P. Says:

    Wow I am sorry that you had to deal with that in your home in front of the babies!!
    You can go read my blog 1-12-09 to read about what a-holes I have had to deal with lately.

  22. On January 16th, 2009 at 2:15 pm anonamommy Says:

    Wow Aunt Becky – that sucks! I have not had to deal with anything near that assholery lately. Sorry you did.

  23. On January 16th, 2009 at 2:40 pm swirl girl Says:

    I just feel so badly for your son…

    the asshole can suck it.

  24. On January 16th, 2009 at 3:07 pm Marie Says:

    Wow! That scene could have easily taken place at my house. E’s dad buy’s him clothes for his house and keeps the nice clothes I buy and still sends him to me in crap.

    I have started trashing anything that comes through my doors that is inappropriate. E will either come home naked or he will be forced to produce decent clothes…hmpth!

    Now, do you think that is working for me or do you think I am still getting crap?

    I swear he sent him home in a size 6 the other day and he is a (husky) 8!

    Sorry you struck a nerve..heh

  25. On January 16th, 2009 at 3:29 pm birdpress Says:

    Holy hell. I don’t know how the Daver manages not to strangle that thing. I say you just refuse to even speak in his presence. He doesn’t deserve that kind of respect, being spoken to like a human being and all.

  26. On January 16th, 2009 at 3:36 pm heather Says:

    Gah. That Nat is real bitch, no? I think I may hate him for you.

  27. On January 16th, 2009 at 3:40 pm Kendra Says:

    Oh, poor you and poor Ben! I can’t imagine being talked to like that when you’re so ridiculously pregnant! At the end, the slightest thing was enough for me to either start sobbing or throwing plates at heads–depending on the day. I can’t imagine what I would have done during that exchange, but it wouldn’t have been pretty.

    I hope Nat’s better behaved around Ben the rest of the time, because the poor kid shouldn’t have to listen to that kind of crap–ever!

  28. On January 16th, 2009 at 3:51 pm ewe_are_here Says:


    And I’m sorry, but he can’t be a great father to Ben if he treats Ben’s mother this way, in front of him no less. Good fathers don’t do things like this.

  29. On January 16th, 2009 at 4:02 pm Stacey Says:

    Oh my god! I am so sorry you have to deal with this crap & sort of surprised the guy is still alive after taking to pregnant woman like that.

  30. On January 16th, 2009 at 4:20 pm mandy Says:

    I hate that kind of stuff. Sadly, we deal with it every single time we see Matt’s daughter. He has a daughter with a chick who is all about the child support. We just saw her over the holidays, joy. We’ll call the mom “L” for the purposes of this rant. We meet her half way to pick up and drop off child. The drive is about 3.5 hours for each of us. My mom is about central, 10 minutes further from where L usually meets us. My mom, being kind enough to do this, offered to pick up child and bring her to us, or half way between us. L was completely UNwilling to drive the extra 10 minutes to my mom’s house. EVEN though, my mom typically delivers child for us so we can meet half way between our homes and she can see our kids…she always drives over an hour or more further toward L to save cunt, I mean L, the extra distance! But 10 minutes is not possible? THEN, then..she gets child, takes her home…and calls us every 5 minutes for the first hour she has her to complain about things child may have heard us say, or the clothes we send home or what was forgotten or what we screwed up this visit…whatever. EVERY time. Even though my mom goes out of her way to help cunt, I mean L, out every trip-she still harasses us every single time we send child home. She asked that we mail some things child forgot back to her (as we have recently had to do) and then asked if she had to send us the postage money first?! YES, I snorted to my husband to just have her send the entire monthly 900 bucks back while she’s at it. He texted that to her, as kind of a joke..but not really-cause I so, meant it. Then, the S hit the fan and we were harassed for the rest of the evening about this and that. DRAMA. We got it goin’ on over here too, girl. Lesson: Don’t impregnate nasty W****S, at least don’t give ’em your real name. Right? I feel like throwing up. I hate dealing with her, you have NO idea.

    I hope things get better for you-and sue that dude for some freakin child support. If we have to pay so much, every father should have to. But, I never received one dime from my daughter’s father…never.

  31. On January 16th, 2009 at 4:37 pm trish Says:

    Sorry, but this is going to be a long one. It’s not as bad as yours, but it was pretty lame.

    I work for the county where I live, actually working for the head of the department that I work in. He’s the boss of everyone in our department. I was asked to schedule meetings with other department heads and include two other managers (including my boss) from our department in the meetings. The first meeting that was supposed to happen had to be rescheduled and my boss said that was fine because they would use that time to prepare for all these meetings. I set the meeting for 1:30 – 3:00, since I didn’t know how long the preparations would take. The day the prep meeting was supposed to happen, my boss said to tell the other two managers to come at 2:00, not 1:30. Instead of changing the appointment, I just sent them an email saying the time changed.

    At 1:40, one of the managers comes up, frantic because he thinks he’s late. I said, “Oh, no, you’re fine! The meeting’s not until two.”

    At this point, we were both standing in the doorway of my boss’s office, with my boss sitting at his desk. This is how the rest of the conversation played out:

    The manager: Oh, I thought the meeting was at 1:30.
    Me: No, we changed the time. I sent you an email.
    The manager: How does that help me?
    Me: I’m sorrrrry…I don’t understand.
    The manager: How does an email help me when the appointment still says 1:30?
    Me: Oh, I’m really sorry, I thought you’d check your email before you came…
    The manager: An email doesn’t help me. You should have changed the appointment to show the right time. (He then goes on for a full minute, with me nodding in agreement that I should have done things differently, and with him telling me ten different ways that he doesn’t want an email telling him the meeting time has changed, he wants the actual appointment changed — totally understandable, it was my bad, but I didn’t need to be chewed out for something relatively minor, with him going on and on, in front of my boss, no less.)

    And THEN, because obviously this guy needs a chill pill, my boss says as the guy’s walking away, “Chill out, Ken!” He said it very nice and friendly, but it’s like dude, come on.

    The manager ended up apologizing, but still.

  32. On January 16th, 2009 at 5:20 pm Em Says:

    I’m thinking he has anger displacement issues.

    Does he happen to have a small penis?

  33. On January 16th, 2009 at 5:29 pm Valerie Says:

    I am sorry you have had a bad day, Becky…. I had an amazing one so far! It’s a swim meet today and I’ve been swimming really well…. Here’s to hoping the asshole moment isn’t yet to come…

    Oh wait, Ian was a dick to me. But that’s so common I hardly register it anymore.

  34. On January 16th, 2009 at 6:02 pm baseballmom Says:

    Jeezus-what an asshole! I woulda totally kicked his ass out before that. I’m surprised Daver didn’t come in and jack him up. The biggest asshole thing that’s happened to me lately was, our payroll office forgot to pay me right after Christmas, and when I called to ask them what to do about it, the lady got all bitchy and said, “What do you mean?” and I said, “Well, how do I get paid?” and she said, “Well, you probably should just wait until the next payday at the end of the month, that would be easier.” and I said, “For whom? I can’t afford to wait until the end of the month, so what happens now?” and she said, “What do you mean, what happens now?” and I said, “Exactly what I said, WHAT HAPPENS NOW?” and she told me, very snottily that I needed to have my principal call the payroll office and request a manual check be cut. He did, and when I called to ask if it was ready, they had NO RECORD of him calling to request it. The upshot was that I had to go down to the district offices and get it, a week after I was supposed to have been paid. It sucked, and her being a bitch made it ten times worse!

  35. On January 16th, 2009 at 6:25 pm guilty noodles Says:

    First of, your ex is a dick. I will send him a turd burrito, compliments of my dog.

    The only thing that happened to me was making the mistake of offering to walk my neighbor’s 85 pound dog with my dog and was dragged down a flight of stairs with two dogs.

    You win.

  36. On January 16th, 2009 at 7:27 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Nothing that could match the utter assholeness of that. I hope he doesn’t talk like that or about you like that when Ben is with him.

  37. On January 16th, 2009 at 7:45 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    What a dickwad. Poor Ben. Poor Becky. Even poor Alex having to see that jerk being mean to his Mommy.

    Douche hasn’t done anything too douche-tastic lately, so I’m probably due.

  38. On January 16th, 2009 at 8:33 pm a Says:

    See, on the bright side, Amelia just had herself a little pre-natal lesson in “What a Giant Asshole Sounds Like” and “Why Premarital Sex is Bad.” Maybe you will find that you never need to advise her to wait until she finds the right guy.

    I have many asshole stories, but I think this is the best one: My husband and I used to work together. Our (sometimes) boss hated us because we refused to kiss his ass. After several incidents, my husband got fed up and quit to go and work for more money and less stress, but he needed professional certification in our field to keep his job. He had never had any issues with his work quality or performance, just personality issues with this boss (and a couple of his sycophants). He passed the certification test, and had his name published in a professional journal as required. The sometimes boss sent an email to the certification coordinator saying that my husband’s character was questionable, but he couldn’t provide specific details. This held up the certification for about a month while the certification committee tried to figure out what to do with non-specific accusations of, well, I don’t know what. So my husband called my boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss to inform him of what a vindictive asshole the sometimes boss is.

  39. On January 16th, 2009 at 8:55 pm Eva Says:

    That blows. You know what this reminds me of? How my mom always used to complain about how my dad (they were WAY divorced) would only buy me cheesy T-shirts from this place and that place and no other clothes. I thought she was being wacky, but now I get it.

    I went to a mothers’ group playdate thing today. The lady hosting? Her only kid was away in another state and she sat there watching some TV show about penis length really loud while we rooted around and found some Lincoln Logs. Yeah.

  40. On January 16th, 2009 at 9:45 pm Rachel Says:

    Oh Becky, I have a ‘Nat’ in my life too. Only I have to send my daughter to his house in another state for 9 weeks every summer. He’s too cheap to buy her clothes (and is months behind in paying for his half of her health insurance, and who has to be threatened with having his drivers license revoked before he’ll pay his court ordered child support).
    His mom makes her clothes. Yes, you heard me right, she makes them. And she’s no master seamstress. I like her as much as I possibly can, but seriously….buy her some damn clothes!
    If I don’t send enough underwear and socks for the whole 9 weeks, she has to re-wear them, because the lazy piece of shit won’t wash them. And one time she went a week w/no bath because his other brat shit in the tub and he wouldn’t clean it up.
    Don’t even get me started…

  41. On January 16th, 2009 at 9:51 pm Emily R Says:

    um, you win. i got nothing that could compete.

  42. On January 16th, 2009 at 11:57 pm Collette Says:

    What dick. It’s too bad he’s not the one who got nailed in the nuts. Maybe you can set that up for next time.

  43. On January 17th, 2009 at 12:48 am Chibi Jeebs Says:

    What a flaming asshole!

    I have an asshole-by-proxy story that is similar. My dad was picking up my sister for an overnight visit. Mom cautioned that K needed to be in bed by 7pm (she was only 5). Dad *flipped* because she was trying to “tell [him] how to parent” and threatened to “punch [her] in the f!@#ing face” IN FRONT OF MY SISTER. When Mom tried to close the door on him, he shoved his shoe-clad foot in the opening, stomping on my mom’s bare foot.

    He went around telling everyone he beat my step-dad so badly that he was hospitalized. My step-dad wasn’t even home at the time. *eye roll*

    What is with men that causes them to forget how to use their brains?

  44. On January 17th, 2009 at 7:50 am chris Says:

    Can’t top this one Aunt Becky. I guess your fortunate that the Daver is the one as the father figure.

  45. On January 17th, 2009 at 9:04 am Miss Hope Says:

    Age has nothing to do with it. I was 22 AND married before having baby with my girls’ sperm donor. 30 when we divorced. He still acts like a juvenile ass hole 4th grader every time he decides he *needs* to see his girls (which has now turned into about once-twice a year.

  46. On January 17th, 2009 at 9:38 am quietgirl Says:

    Your cautionary tale should be the tactic in schools, not abstinence fucking programs.

    It really really sucks that you and your son have to deal with that evermore. I hope he mellows out so he can be a proper father to his son. It’s a shame, cause as fucking miserable as that is for you, it’s twice as bad for a kid.

    Just do the best you can. That’s ALL you can do and that is plenty. He’s a dick. Indeed kiddies, remember the condoms, the morning after pill (though it may fail) and also those lovely suction devices that after a single valium, you’ll barely remember anyway.

    And try not to fuck assholes. Although you will. Mostly all of us will!

    Becky, I hope that you can now sink into the couch, free of all of his toxic negativity and weirdo blame, and just be a total utter happy peace. For all of you. And for all the wonderful things you do have in your life that make his idiocy, although painful, still quite small in the scale of things… Don’t let his shit define your world….

    p.s. I’m totally sick today and apparently taken to enthusiatic and supportive rambling. But it’s all good…. Yeah, yeah I just checked- It’s all good 🙂 Good vibes to you and your sweet little baby girl. Breathe slow. No stress. Be well. Be at peace 🙂

  47. On January 17th, 2009 at 1:16 pm andi Says:

    Dude, I’m sorry you are stuck with that dickwad for the rest of your life. I’m just happy he’s good to your son. That’s one minor thing to be thankful for in this sucktastic situation.

    I’ve got nothing assholish to complain about – sorry.

  48. On January 17th, 2009 at 3:12 pm Danielle Says:

    I don’t have an ex-husband, maybe one day. I’m still young ;o) But I’ve witness this happening to friends before. It’s a pain in the ass and yes, I agree you should have strangled him.
    Have a great weekend and I hope your not TOO uncomfortable.

  49. On January 17th, 2009 at 7:38 pm mumma boo Says:

    Oh man, does he have anger-management issues. Good for you for throwing him out. What a jackass! Take care of yourself, Becky – you’re almost there!

  50. On January 17th, 2009 at 7:39 pm mumma boo Says:

    And by there, I mean, giving birth. 🙂

  51. On January 17th, 2009 at 8:53 pm rena Says:

    I also send my kids to their father wearing the cheapest clothes known to man. I learned the hard way, when their nice clothes turned up missing and would show up months later on my kids cousins! And my incapable ex also dumps my kids by his parents every other weekend- what a loser!!!

  52. On January 17th, 2009 at 9:41 pm Stephanie Says:

    I found you’re blog a few months ago and haven’t commented yet (sorry, I know thats annoying). I just wanted to say what a complete asshole to treat you like that in your own house and while you are pregnant. If that happened to me I would have drop kicked his ass. I hope your day got better then that.

    PS. I love your blog, it cracks me up almost everytime I read it.

  53. On January 18th, 2009 at 10:39 am jody Says:

    Why don’t you make him pay child support? That should be his duty/obligation not a privilege.

  54. On January 18th, 2009 at 5:07 pm pamajama Says:

    This is why I must remind myself that I’m lucky to be upset that my best friend told me my daughter had the role of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, which I then passed on to her, when it wasn’t true.

    This is why I’ve often told myself that I should look at the good side of the fact that my son’s father died when he was just 1, cause if I’d had to share custody with a drug addict after a divorce I would have surely gone to prison.

    Smile, Becky:) Do not allow this F*ck to steal another moment of your lovely self. He’s just jealous. Don’t let him pull you into these conversations, even if it means you have to repeat some crazy mantra over and over every time you see him, like “So good to see you, Batman.”

  55. On January 18th, 2009 at 5:43 pm Lola Says:

    What a dick. I can honestly say that if someone talked to me like that when I was eight months pregnant that they would have ended up in an ambulance. I was homicidal if you just looked at me the wrong way 😉

    What you should have said was, “Yeah, Nat, it is about money. You owe me approximately $200,000, and just for being such an asshole, you’re about to be put on the poster in every local post office showing deadbeat dads and how much money they owe. Have a nice weekend.”

  56. On January 19th, 2009 at 2:51 pm Coco Says:

    Holy Christ, the man is an utter psychotic asshat.

    I second Lola’s suggestion. If you’ll send me his picture, I’ll even make up the flyers.

    What a freak. Freakedy freak freakiness, Nat haz it.

  57. On January 19th, 2009 at 5:03 pm Fancy Says:

    Next time, send the kids out of the room, punch him square in the face, and blame it on hormones!

  58. On January 20th, 2009 at 7:35 am Candid Engineer Says:

    Asshat. Ignorant. I’m sorry.

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