Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

This is the Blogging Equivalent of Flinging Glitter


These pictures are the epitome of win.


Look closely, Pranksters. Look very closely at this Facebook Ad.

You too, can be a member of the intense, elite CIA!

Then, you too can pose triumphantly with a squirrel carcass.

There is nothing not AMAZING about this picture. I’m going to frame it.

Then, while trying hard not to delete my own Facebook Profile (I was creating one for Band Back Together)(I don’t know why either), I came across this beauty, which makes me really happy, and will probably ensure that I never, ever, ever, delete my Facebook profile, ever.

things to do in chicago

Now, I’m a born and raised Chicagoan, and I’ve never, ever considered putting a tiny pig in red galoshes as “something to put on my Chicago Bucket List.” Become a mob boss? Yes. Become a Mafia Princess? Yes. We teethe on deep-dish pizza and are well-accustomed to corrupt politics and locals never go to Taste of Chicago.

I might have even once had a love-affair with Rod Blago’s magnificently luscious hair (this was also probably my favorite post):

blago's hair

But to dress a wee pig in tiny boots? I don’t think I know any Chicagoan who wants to do that. That sounds like something a Wisconsinite would do.

This morning, as I was getting my blueberry-flavored coffee and Junior Mints at the Sleven down the street (Breakfast of Champions, I told the guy behind me who snickered wildly at my selections), I noticed something so awe-inspiring that I simply had to take a picture for you.


Do you see that, Pranksters? PURPLE IS A FUCKING FLAVOR NOW. I have been petitioning for “purple” to be made a flavor for YEARS.

Don’t believe me? LOOK

purple should be a flavor, dammit

And now, Pranksters, it is. Purple is FINALLY a flavor.

Horny Goat Weed. WTF?


This exists. I don’t know why.

Next time, I’m TOTALLY buying it and leaving it out around the house so when people come over, they’ll see it and be SUPER uncomfortable when they see it. Like, “woah, does Becky USE this stuff? If so, WHY?”

I love making people uncomfortable.

Last, but certainly not least, is an email I got awhile ago from someone I do not know.


I think she’s in love with me.

56 Comments to

“This is the Blogging Equivalent of Flinging Glitter”

  1. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:01 pm Lady Estrogen Says:

    Hahahahaa…. I gotta hook me up with some horny goat weed!

  2. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:03 pm Kelly Says:

    I love the GI Joe picture… That one cracks me up every time πŸ™‚

  3. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:04 pm Veronica Says:

    I am very glad you said something. I am canceling our family trip to Chicago. Facebook is full of lying bastards.
    Oh and if you send me one of those cherry fanta drinks or Red like I like to call it I will hump your leg.

  4. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:05 pm Brandi Says:

    Hooray for Purple for the People! Although it really should be Purple for Aunt Muthafuckin’ Becky.

    I’m just sayin’. LOL!

  5. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:07 pm Ann Says:

    Dude, I’m totally on the wrong path with grad school. I could join the CIA and rid the world of gigantic squirrels.

    I’ll leave putting teeny pigs into little red boots to you, being a Chicago thing and all.

  6. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:08 pm Stacey Says:

    Whatever you do, for the love of Grilled Cheesus, DO NOT give the people putting pigs in rubber boots the Horny Goat Weed. Pigs, goats… all farm animals and we don’t need to know what the combination of Horny Goat Weed and pigs does to people!

  7. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:13 pm triplezmom Says:

    That all made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

  8. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:15 pm Lex Says:

    I fucking love the CIA picture. If I ever need to train to kill giant mutant squirrels, I know where to go.

  9. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:15 pm Dead Cow Girl Says:

    I’ve seen the pig mentioned somewhere else. I think it was advertising something in Los Angeles… So, not only is the pig adorable? It is a total slut.

  10. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:30 pm Wendy Says:

    I saw the same one for Augusta, GA. I even binged “little pig in red boots” so I could post the pic. lol.

  11. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:18 pm Ina Jones Says:

    Purple is so a flavor in my world. Why just last night I found purple cauliflower. Now maybe this is not new to the rest of the world but I had never seen it before and I thought it was the coolest thing I had seen in at least two months.

  12. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:20 pm Pam Says:

    Horny Goat Weed? That’s a new one on me! They use that pig in the red galoshes for the Charleston bucket list too. You’d think they would at least switch animals or something. LOL

  13. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:32 pm Julie Says:

    Wait just a minute here! Dressing tiny pigs in rainboots is what Iowans do on cold boring winter nights, being as Iowa is the world’s number one pork producer. Those Wisconsinites must have stolen it from us. Ha. And then we feed them Horny Goat Weed…

  14. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:33 pm Jessica B Says:

    And this is EXACTLY why I love you. And might possibly be your biggest blog fan ever. Does that make me sound stalker-ish?

  15. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:34 pm onecookieshort Says:

    Facebook ads are full of the win. So are many of the Yahoo ads. I’d much rather run into a giant squirrel, than say, one of those camel spiders they have in the Middle East. Whatever you do, do not go googling camel spider images. ESPECIALLY if you’re the slightest bit arachnophobia. Just don’t do it.

  16. On March 10th, 2011 at 5:40 pm Paula Says:

    Of course, I took that as a challenge and Googled it. I will have nightmares. Forever. *shudders*

  17. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:37 pm Sugar Free Says:

    Sorry about that email. I was half out of my mind on Purple and Horny Goat weed. Forgives?

  18. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:41 pm Lori Says:

    The squirrel picture? Yeah, we frame one every month at my office and hand it out as the “Pelt of the Month” award to whoever did something really great. We all covet the Pelt award.

  19. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:43 pm Johi Says:

    I’m in the CIA, and I’ll tell you I’ve seen squirrels even bigger than that.

    “dont talk to me anywere because i dont like you anymore” = awesome. I love people slinging insults with typos. They are the bestest.

  20. On March 10th, 2011 at 12:48 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    I think the important question here is did you buy any horny goat weed for “research purposes” and when are we going to read about the results of said research?

  21. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:02 pm andrea Says:

    “while the exact way that horny goat weed works remains unknown, the plant has long been employed to restore sexual fire, boost erectile function, allay fatigue and alleviate menopausal discomfort.”

    i got the above through the mighty interwebz.

    apparently, with the exception of erectile functioning, i should totally take this shit.

    although i’m with you on the whole “leaving it out around the house so when people come over, they’ll see it and be SUPER uncomfortable when they see it.”

    i like to make people squirm…it distracts them from my fucked-up-edness.


  22. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:06 pm leanne Says:

    Actually, a Wisconsinite would dress the pig with a cheesehead and a Packers jersey.

    Also, of course locals don’t go to the Taste of Chicago. They already know what Chicago tastes like. Obviously.

  23. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:08 pm Alyssa Says:

    Both my mother and grandmother born and raised in Chicago and I don’t ever remember hearing stories about putting mini pigs in galoshes and that would be just the kind of story my family would love to tell over and over again. And DUH, of course she’s in love with you.. why wouldn’t she be?!

  24. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:12 pm Maria Says:

    ZOMG!! A PURPLE FLAVORED slurpee!!

  25. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:15 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    Pigs in boots AND purple as a flavor? It just doesn’t get any better!

  26. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:21 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I am so glad purple is a now a flavor. Because you know, grape flavor does not taste like grapes. Not really. There is a grape-ish-ness to purple drinks but not enough to justify calling it grape. Just call it purple flavor & be done with it.

  27. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:28 pm AngieM. Says:

    i mean why else would i get into the CIA? other than to slay squirrels.

    also, that little pig is so cute. i want to carry it in my purse

    also also..purple for the people??? holy shit!! my love for grape flavored **anything**’s endless. i must go to 7/11 later.

  28. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:34 pm Wendy Thomas Says:

    The absolute best thing about this, and it was all full of awesome, was your last Google search when you wrote about purple being a flavor was “club with spikes in it.” ROFL. Oh my God. It’s the little things…

  29. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:37 pm Wendy Thomas Says:

    The best part about this post, and it was full of awesome, was your last Google search when you pulled up the purple post was “club with spikes in it.” ROFL. Oh my God. It’s the little things…

  30. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:38 pm Wendy Thomas Says:

    Sigh. Dammit.

  31. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:56 pm txjennk Says:

    I’m afraid of 7 eleven in my town because of the husbands creepy cousin and other unrelated weirdness on my part, but if there is even a .0001% chance of getting a purple flavored slurpee, I MUST try!!!!!!!!

  32. On March 10th, 2011 at 1:58 pm monica Says:

    still laughing about the farm animals and horny goat weed. that’s some funny shit.

  33. On March 10th, 2011 at 2:20 pm Jennifer Says:

    I got that email too! Except mine said “Leave me alone. You had your chance and now it is gone and I will never trust you again.” I just wish I knew who I’d blown my chance with.

    And purple has always been a flavor. Just not a good one.

  34. On March 10th, 2011 at 2:21 pm Jennifer Says:

    I am not a robot. I am a cyborg. Much more interesting that way.

  35. On March 10th, 2011 at 2:23 pm Krissa Says:

    I have SEEN the Horny Goat Weed in the store in the past. I immediately filed it away in my leetle brain as an inexpensive gag gift for some one.
    If there can be a flavor of Icee named “White Cherry”, (I mean REALLY! Whoever heard of such a thing?), then purple should have been a flavor all along. It just took someone forward thinking such as yourself to say it.
    The chick that does NOT want to talk to you…. clearly wants something else from you. πŸ˜‰

  36. On March 10th, 2011 at 2:28 pm TexaGermaNadian Says:

    Man, I sure am glad those CIA agents are protecting us from the giant squirrels. What would we do without them?!
    And take the day off, celebrate purple being a flavor. After all, you deserve it πŸ™‚

  37. On March 10th, 2011 at 2:42 pm Momma Chaos Says:

    Dude- Purple is a flavor??! Awesomeness right there! You almost lost me when you started talking about Deep dish pizza because OMG Chicago deep dish is like no other and I had to sit here and drool with memories for a bit.. But I managed to pull myself together (willpower, right there!)and read the rest πŸ™‚

  38. On March 10th, 2011 at 3:03 pm Flannery Says:

    My husband uses the CIA squirrel picture as his profile. Too funny. Wait, are you stalking my husband??

  39. On March 10th, 2011 at 3:18 pm Erin@MommyontheSpot Says:

    Totally playing hard to get!

  40. On March 10th, 2011 at 3:56 pm mumma boo Says:

    I knew you’d win that fight! Power to the Purple Flavor People! And, um, can you send me some real Chicago deep-dish pizza? The crap they have here in New England just doesn’t do it. *sigh*

  41. On March 10th, 2011 at 4:20 pm Penbleth Says:

    Maybe the purple flavour is the outcome of killing the squirrels. Or what you get when you squeeze pigs in boots.

    I believe it tastes like warm tongues and freedom. I may be hallucinating though.

  42. On March 10th, 2011 at 4:25 pm ScienceGeek Says:

    Horny goat weed is common enough in Australia to be advertised on billboards.
    It’s mostly a black and white picture, and there’s a man and a woman, and they’re not really dressed, and the woman is either having an orgasm or trying to impersonate one of those clowns in the game where you stick balls in their mouth.
    I suspect, just slightly, that one day, there’s going to be a very awkward press conference along the lines of ‘Well, you’re not going to believe this, it’s kinda funny, actually, see, when the local medicine man told me this plant was called horny goat weed, I thought he was talking about the emotion, not, you know, horns. Hey, anyone could make that mistake, right?!’

  43. On March 10th, 2011 at 4:57 pm Alexandra Says:

    Oh, the gold that that email is.

    Thanks for making my day, I’d be sure to not talk to here “anywere” too.

  44. On March 10th, 2011 at 6:47 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    I LOVE it all, I think the tiny pig in red boots has to be one of my favorites. That and the email, I can totally see her stomping her feet and pounding her fists. All indignant just don’t talk to me EVER Becky I MEAN it!! Very much like my 6 year old. And flailing around all full of the Dramaz.

  45. On March 10th, 2011 at 7:38 pm BitOWit Says:

    OK, not that I have ever taken it or anything, but I *heard* from a *friend* that after you take Super Horny Goat Week for about three weeks it tastes like you have a penny in your mouth all day. That is the only effect reported to me by this *friend*. Shut up. IT WAS FOR MEDICAL REASONS!!!!

  46. On March 10th, 2011 at 8:11 pm a Says:

    Quite a while ago, I was sent a story about farmers in England who had a piglet that didn’t like mud, so they had a set of Wellies made for it. The picture accompanying the story had a much cuter pig. Check it out – it even has a new phobia for you!

  47. On March 10th, 2011 at 8:59 pm Jess Says:

    That pig gets around, he’s now in Orlando with those adorable boots… I want them, and some bacon.

  48. On March 10th, 2011 at 10:05 pm Chantal Says:

    Apparently pigs in teeny boots are something to do in Houston before you die, as well. I’ve dressed a chihuahua in tiny boots, but apparently I’m not done. (*totally* my aunts chihuahua and boots, lest you think I harbor Paris Hilton aspirations)
    My favorite FB ad, though, was … I’m actually not SURE what it was… either a homeless guy, or Jesus, on an ad telling single mothers about the grants they could get to go back to school. 😐

  49. On March 11th, 2011 at 12:06 am karen Says:

    The Wisconsinites are busy protesting, begging for their rights, and getting arrested. So it is up to you Chicagoids to get it together and get those piggies into their wee cherry-red booties. Good luck with that.

    And I wish it had been me, sending you that email because it is, well, pretty much full of The Internet Glitter Awesome. Jealous.

  50. On March 11th, 2011 at 2:47 am andygirl Says:

    that groupon ad keeps popping up on my FB too, only it says Portland of course. and every time I want to pick up that little pig and cuddle it to death. it’s a problem.

    but I have never seen that CIA Chernobyl squirrel ad. it’s the best thing I’ve seen ever. EVER.

  51. On March 11th, 2011 at 9:31 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha. I think I might change that to my avatar everywhere. Altho, who looks at those closely enough to notice?

  52. On March 11th, 2011 at 3:50 am Satan Says:

    so, mah boyfriend is looking up prices of renting in chicago, and i know he wants to move back pretty badly.
    i, having never seen the city, am somewhat unconvinced, pending a visit to see if i like the vibe.
    do have to say, one really excellent reason for me to move?
    you live there. and i’m positive we could have hilarious dinners together. i’d say lunch but frankly the only time i’m up at noon is if i work the dreaded day job.

  53. On March 11th, 2011 at 9:30 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You need to move to Chicago. Immediately, if not sooner.

  54. On March 13th, 2011 at 11:10 pm Stuff I Starred Saturday – Serenity, Get Yo Ass Over Here Now « LucidLotusLife Says:

    […] This is the Blogging Equivalent of Flinging Glitter […]

  55. On March 14th, 2011 at 5:57 am Fuzz Says:

    Next time you do NOT trip over a giant mutant squirrel, thank your highly trained Gov’t Covert Operators.

    Aunt Becky, do you need anything from Walt Disney World?

  56. On March 15th, 2011 at 8:06 pm Lindsay Says:

    hahaha! I laughed so hard at the pig and the wi joke because I’m from Wisconsin and I posted that little pig on my blog commenting on how much I wanted a pit in red boots. Oh we Wisconsinites are so easy to predict!

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