This Is Not A BlogHer Recap
I remember when my friend Pashmina got back from her honeymoon. I think I’d just popped out Crotch Parasite #2 and had the approximate dimensions of a whale. Not to mention, aforementioned Crotch Parasite was constantly chomping on my nipple and/or pooping on me, so vacation was entirely out of the question. Hell, taking a leak alone was out of the question.
Anyway, Pashmina called me and blearily I answered the phone. She cheerfully informed me about the places they’d had The Sex, the great shit they’d done, the meals they’d eaten while I silently wept onto my very cranky baby. I hadn’t eaten a meal without the kid hanging off a body part in months. And sex? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
It was kinda mean of her, you know, describing all the cool shit she’d done while I sat at home and watched my television husband, Vincent D’Onofrio, quirkily solve murders.
But the swag at BlogHer is legendary, I’m sure even if you’ve never been, you’ve heard about it. Mostly from the sorts of people who get invited to private parties and shit, which, SO not me. I got a couple of mini-boxes of cereal and a fuckton of those stupid bags everyone gives out. I’m sure the maid service thanks me tremendously for leaving them behind.
This year, I got one thing – ONE thing – that may shock and impress you, Pranksters. ONE THING. And it impressed me so much that I’m STILL reminiscing about it, all Missed Connections style. Because I had to leave my ONE THING behind. Parting WAS truly sweet sorrow.
I got a fucking toothbrush.
GENIUS.
I know you probably think I’m being all sarcastic about it, but no, I’m not. I loved that toothbrush so much that I envisioned romantic fantasies – just me and the toothbrush dining by candlelight. Me and my beloved toothbrush running along a beach, holding, er, hands. Me and my toothbrush snuggling up together – I’d even get to be the Big Spoon (for once).
Brushing my teeth was a treat. I felt like a champion, my pearly whites all sparkling and clean, ready to take on the day. I was a WINNER thanks to that toothbrush.
(we all know packing a toothbrush is kinda bullshit because it gets all musty and shit)
On Sunday, it was time to bid my beloved farewell. I couldn’t take it home with me; no, our love was too pure to continue.
Sobs.
Missed Connection:
You: Johnson and Johnson toothbrush, 8 inches, blue and soft.
Me: Your Aunt Becky, leaving a hotel room.
OMG Vincent D’Onofrio, is one of my TV husbands!
So I guess Vincent is quite the bigamist – polygamist, even – then, ’cause he’s my TV husband, too!
Don’t be sad. I bet your toothbrush found true love with your Valtrex pen and they lived happily ever after.
On a side note….You will be glad to know that the new internet nanny that was installed at the job has decided mushroom printing is a porn site and no longer allowed, CONGRATS! I wonder how many times I could refresh it before the interwebs security come and escort me out of the building, this could be the spring board I need to launch my new house wifeing (new word?) career
My new internet boyfriend is Ian Joseph Somerhalder. I really love Ian Joseph Somerhalder. Well as much as one can love someone who you have never met or haven’t even seen him on television. I’ve only seen Ian Joseph Somerhalder photos online and boy oh boy does he make me happy in the pants.
I really feel for you Aunt Becky. But you know the only love of a toothbrush is Tom’s Toothpaste.
No worries,
You probably saved yourself a ton of heartbreak considering that said toothbrush most likely would have cheated on you with another user (ho!), or the floss. Besides, they do get old an musty. A new toothbrush is like a quickie. Use it while it’s hot, and don’t prolong the inevitable. If the bathroom’s a rocking don’t come knocking.
🙂
Ooohhh. I got a new toothbrush (for FREE) on Monday too. It’s pretty and green and works fabulously. I had to pay the Orthodontist $970 on that particular visit, but hey, at LEAST I got a FREE toothbrush.
For $970 I should have got a hell of a lot more than just a “quickie.” I freaking deserve the whole shebang. As do you AB.
Cheers.
I can hardly believe it. A toothbrush? How are you containing your joy and excitement. I don’t know if I could stand it!
OMG I love you so much!!! This was pure gold! I’m sorry you had to leave your toothbrush behind though. They need to find a way to make packing toothbrushes easier and not such BS that you have to leave them behind!
Must have been a vibrating toothbrush to be that connected to it.
Dude, I got toothpaste that I couldn’t take back on the plane with me! I bet your toothbrush and my toothpaste a running around San Diego, makgin sweet glorious teeth cleaning love with out us.
Assholes.
8 inches eh? 😉
Loved you for how you understood me.
LOVED you.
Thanks.
xo
Maybe you need to sit in on a focus group where they are discussing what is ever so important to give out at these kind of things. If all those inquiring minds knew that all it took was a toothbrush to impress you! I mean, frankly, I’m going to go out and buy five hundred toothbrushes at the mere mention of a toothbrush. Stock in toothbrush land is now through the roof! The economy has now been saved, thanks Aunt Becky 🙂
But… but… why leave it behind?
Your pain is palpable?
GO back and GET IT!!
Love like this knows no bounds, Aunt Becky!
Please tell me this was tongue in cheek. Because I got some serious swag at the Expo, even in just the form of coupons. As in, over $40 in ABSOLUTELY FREE coupons. Not that I have any need for 3 bottles of Pine Sol, per say (what DO I use them for anyway?) but free shit is free shit and one must not be picky.
I’m truly sorry about the loss of your toothbrush. I’ll send you anothe one 9you’ll have to give me specifics about just what kind it is) if you can give me any tips on how to stop having nightmares about Warren Jeffs.
Your niece,
Alexis
http://alexisar.blogspot.com/2011/08/and-so-it-goes.html
This is the same Pashmina that you wrote, essentially “this is for the great butt sex” in the comment line of the check you gave her for her wedding? The same Pashmina who had to explain that you’re just kooky, and that was a wedding present, and no, she’s not prostituting her butt out? You might have deserved that cheerful honeymoon breakdown 😉
The first overnight town on #RAGBRAI handed out toothbrushes and popsicles. I nearly hugged the person who gave me mine . . . I have an “emergency” toothbrush that I keep in my gym bag – it had never been opened, but I knew at the end of a camping week I’d need to get something to replace it, because of the musty-ness. This prevented me from having to buy a new one.
The way you were waxing so eloquent there about the toothbrush, I thought that maybe those fine folks who make the lady’s razor that is actually a vibrator in disguise had branched out into other personal hygiene devices.
I knew I’d miss some good shit if I skipped it this year. Now I’m bummed.
What?!?!?!? No Tempurpedic Pillows from the Expo floor for Aunt Becky? How dare they neglect and deprive you?
Wait, how could you not have discussed the large firm CROCHETED penis?