Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

This Is Not A BlogHer Recap


I remember when my friend Pashmina got back from her honeymoon. I think I’d just popped out Crotch Parasite #2 and had the approximate dimensions of a whale. Not to mention, aforementioned Crotch Parasite was constantly chomping on my nipple and/or pooping on me, so vacation was entirely out of the question. Hell, taking a leak alone was out of the question.

Anyway, Pashmina called me and blearily I answered the phone. She cheerfully informed me about the places they’d had The Sex, the great shit they’d done, the meals they’d eaten while I silently wept onto my very cranky baby. I hadn’t eaten a meal without the kid hanging off a body part in months. And sex? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

It was kinda mean of her, you know, describing all the cool shit she’d done while I sat at home and watched my television husband, Vincent D’Onofrio, quirkily solve murders.

But the swag at BlogHer is legendary, I’m sure even if you’ve never been, you’ve heard about it. Mostly from the sorts of people who get invited to private parties and shit, which, SO not me. I got a couple of mini-boxes of cereal and a fuckton of those stupid bags everyone gives out. I’m sure the maid service thanks me tremendously for leaving them behind.

This year, I got one thing – ONE thing – that may shock and impress you, Pranksters. ONE THING. And it impressed me so much that I’m STILL reminiscing about it, all Missed Connections style. Because I had to leave my ONE THING behind. Parting WAS truly sweet sorrow.

I got a fucking toothbrush.


I know you probably think I’m being all sarcastic about it, but no, I’m not. I loved that toothbrush so much that I envisioned romantic fantasies – just me and the toothbrush dining by candlelight. Me and my beloved toothbrush running along a beach, holding, er, hands. Me and my toothbrush snuggling up together – I’d even get to be the Big Spoon (for once).

Brushing my teeth was a treat. I felt like a champion, my pearly whites all sparkling and clean, ready to take on the day. I was a WINNER thanks to that toothbrush.

(we all know packing a toothbrush is kinda bullshit because it gets all musty and shit)

On Sunday, it was time to bid my beloved farewell. I couldn’t take it home with me; no, our love was too pure to continue.


Missed Connection:

You: Johnson and Johnson toothbrush, 8 inches, blue and soft.

Me: Your Aunt Becky, leaving a hotel room.

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
23 Comments to

“This Is Not A BlogHer Recap”

  1. On August 10th, 2011 at 11:21 am Caroline Says:

    OMG Vincent D’Onofrio, is one of my TV husbands!

  2. On August 11th, 2011 at 6:07 pm Heather @ nobody-but-yourself Says:

    So I guess Vincent is quite the bigamist – polygamist, even – then, ’cause he’s my TV husband, too!

  3. On August 10th, 2011 at 11:49 am DrLori71 Says:

    Don’t be sad. I bet your toothbrush found true love with your Valtrex pen and they lived happily ever after.

  4. On August 10th, 2011 at 12:06 pm Chris in PHX Says:

    On a side note….You will be glad to know that the new internet nanny that was installed at the job has decided mushroom printing is a porn site and no longer allowed, CONGRATS! I wonder how many times I could refresh it before the interwebs security come and escort me out of the building, this could be the spring board I need to launch my new house wifeing (new word?) career

  5. On August 10th, 2011 at 12:38 pm Rebecca Says:

    My new internet boyfriend is Ian Joseph Somerhalder. I really love Ian Joseph Somerhalder. Well as much as one can love someone who you have never met or haven’t even seen him on television. I’ve only seen Ian Joseph Somerhalder photos online and boy oh boy does he make me happy in the pants.

  6. On August 10th, 2011 at 12:55 pm Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:

    I really feel for you Aunt Becky. But you know the only love of a toothbrush is Tom’s Toothpaste.

  7. On August 10th, 2011 at 1:36 pm Becca Says:

    No worries,

    You probably saved yourself a ton of heartbreak considering that said toothbrush most likely would have cheated on you with another user (ho!), or the floss. Besides, they do get old an musty. A new toothbrush is like a quickie. Use it while it’s hot, and don’t prolong the inevitable. If the bathroom’s a rocking don’t come knocking.


  8. On August 10th, 2011 at 1:46 pm Vinobaby Says:

    Ooohhh. I got a new toothbrush (for FREE) on Monday too. It’s pretty and green and works fabulously. I had to pay the Orthodontist $970 on that particular visit, but hey, at LEAST I got a FREE toothbrush.

    For $970 I should have got a hell of a lot more than just a “quickie.” I freaking deserve the whole shebang. As do you AB.


  9. On August 10th, 2011 at 1:50 pm Momma Teacher Lady Says:

    I can hardly believe it. A toothbrush? How are you containing your joy and excitement. I don’t know if I could stand it!

  10. On August 10th, 2011 at 1:56 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    OMG I love you so much!!! This was pure gold! I’m sorry you had to leave your toothbrush behind though. They need to find a way to make packing toothbrushes easier and not such BS that you have to leave them behind!

  11. On August 10th, 2011 at 2:05 pm Steve Bailey Says:

    Must have been a vibrating toothbrush to be that connected to it.

  12. On August 10th, 2011 at 2:58 pm Courtney Says:

    Dude, I got toothpaste that I couldn’t take back on the plane with me! I bet your toothbrush and my toothpaste a running around San Diego, makgin sweet glorious teeth cleaning love with out us.


  13. On August 10th, 2011 at 3:07 pm Emma Says:

    8 inches eh? πŸ˜‰

  14. On August 10th, 2011 at 3:35 pm Alexandra/Empress Says:

    Loved you for how you understood me.

    LOVED you.



  15. On August 10th, 2011 at 3:43 pm Heli Says:

    Maybe you need to sit in on a focus group where they are discussing what is ever so important to give out at these kind of things. If all those inquiring minds knew that all it took was a toothbrush to impress you! I mean, frankly, I’m going to go out and buy five hundred toothbrushes at the mere mention of a toothbrush. Stock in toothbrush land is now through the roof! The economy has now been saved, thanks Aunt Becky πŸ™‚

  16. On August 10th, 2011 at 4:22 pm StephanieC | Seriously? Really? Seriously? Says:

    But… but… why leave it behind?

    Your pain is palpable?

    GO back and GET IT!!

    Love like this knows no bounds, Aunt Becky!

  17. On August 10th, 2011 at 8:44 pm tracey - justanothermommy Says:

    Please tell me this was tongue in cheek. Because I got some serious swag at the Expo, even in just the form of coupons. As in, over $40 in ABSOLUTELY FREE coupons. Not that I have any need for 3 bottles of Pine Sol, per say (what DO I use them for anyway?) but free shit is free shit and one must not be picky.

  18. On August 11th, 2011 at 2:39 am Alexis Says:

    I’m truly sorry about the loss of your toothbrush. I’ll send you anothe one 9you’ll have to give me specifics about just what kind it is) if you can give me any tips on how to stop having nightmares about Warren Jeffs.
    Your niece,

  19. On August 11th, 2011 at 6:43 am John Says:

    This is the same Pashmina that you wrote, essentially “this is for the great butt sex” in the comment line of the check you gave her for her wedding? The same Pashmina who had to explain that you’re just kooky, and that was a wedding present, and no, she’s not prostituting her butt out? You might have deserved that cheerful honeymoon breakdown πŸ˜‰

    The first overnight town on #RAGBRAI handed out toothbrushes and popsicles. I nearly hugged the person who gave me mine . . . I have an “emergency” toothbrush that I keep in my gym bag – it had never been opened, but I knew at the end of a camping week I’d need to get something to replace it, because of the musty-ness. This prevented me from having to buy a new one.

  20. On August 11th, 2011 at 8:46 am Jonah Gibson Says:

    The way you were waxing so eloquent there about the toothbrush, I thought that maybe those fine folks who make the lady’s razor that is actually a vibrator in disguise had branched out into other personal hygiene devices.

  21. On August 11th, 2011 at 9:04 am Bodaciousboomer Says:

    I knew I’d miss some good shit if I skipped it this year. Now I’m bummed.

  22. On August 11th, 2011 at 3:16 pm Kristin Says:

    What?!?!?!? No Tempurpedic Pillows from the Expo floor for Aunt Becky? How dare they neglect and deprive you?

  23. On August 15th, 2011 at 9:36 am magpie Says:

    Wait, how could you not have discussed the large firm CROCHETED penis?

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