Mommy Wants Vodka

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This Blog Left Blank Intentionally


In the eleventy-billion years I’ve been blogging, I don’t think I’ve ever taken a couple of days off. See, I’m too compulsive to do that. By noon, if I haven’t gotten something completely mediocre pecked out and posted here, I’m practically banging my head into the wall, yelling, “NOT WITHOUT MY BLOG.”

I took Monday and Tuesday off, not because I was frolicking around, doing awesome things with my Cabana Boy, Raphael, but because *flings hand against head dramatically* I was very close to death.

Well, no, I was probably not near death, but I wanted to be.

See, Pranksters, I had *cue Imperial Death March* The Stomach Flu.

I hate the stomach flu more than I hate cream-based condiments, smoove jazz and decaffeinated coffee (what’s the fucking point?).

I was the last one standing against it, too. Everyone else in my house had been felled by it and I was all LOOKIT ME, ALL EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER ON YOU, GASTROENTERITIS. IMMA MAKE YOU MY BITCH.

Three hours later, I was laying on the hideous tile in our upstairs bathroom, praying to the porcelain gods that they would spare me this agony and just let me die.

My cats, very helpfully, I should add in my most sarcastic tone, circled around me, trying to lick me back to health. Or, perhaps, decide where would be best to start gnawing on my corpse. I love my cats, but I don’t trust them not to chomp their way into my dead body to make a nice cozy home.

Monday morning found me in the ER for a couple of bags of fluids. I had dehydrated myself so thoroughly over the previous twelve hours that I couldn’t even produce tears. I hate going to the ER, but I was all, “I’M *wheeze* ALL *horks* EYE OF THE *splat* TIGER,” and then I passed out.

(I’m always pissed about going to the ER for things because, hell, I could give MYSELF a bag of Normal Saline or Ringers Lactate if I had the proper equipment.)

The following thirty-six hours were spent in a feverish haze, where I alternated between moaning on the couch and moaning in bed. The highlight? Drinking the most delicious blue-flavored slurpee in the world. Nothing, Pranksters, has ever tasted so good.

I also fulfilling one of my OCD dreams: I bought a carpet steamer. The excitement I feel over this is pathetic. I mean, who knows how to party, Pranksters? (answer: I do)

So this is Your Aunt Becky, telling you that I’m back. In black.

What did I miss while I was gone?

58 Comments to

“This Blog Left Blank Intentionally”

  1. On May 25th, 2011 at 12:41 pm Christine @ quasiagitato Says:

    You’re freakin’ hilarious. And gross. Those are both compliments.

  2. On May 25th, 2011 at 12:42 pm Brandon Says:

    Wow, when you get sick, it’s really ‘balls to the wall’ with you, isn’t it?

    Glad you’re back. EYE OF THE TIGER!!

  3. On May 25th, 2011 at 12:53 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I excel at sickness. I should win an award.

  4. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:05 pm blacklisted Says:

    Yeah, seriously. I worry. I mean, I’m from the Internet…I e-worry. But glad you’re alright!

  5. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:08 pm Yvonne Says:

    Yeah, really. I’ve never known anyone that could land in the ER as often as you. Wth? If sickness were a sport, you’d have a wall full of trophies.

  6. On May 25th, 2011 at 12:49 pm utah hostage Says:

    So glad you’re feeling better! šŸ™‚

  7. On May 25th, 2011 at 12:56 pm PBP Designs Says:

    You were missing? I didn’t notice. Just kidding! Glad you’re feeling better. It’s just not the same without Aunt Becky around.


  8. On May 25th, 2011 at 12:59 pm andrea Says:

    not much…more like “what did WE miss while you were gone?”

    your fucking awesomeness.

    that’s what.

    so happy you feel better…and yes, slurpees cure a lot of shit. except herpes.


    p.s. i had the worst stomach flu the second day we moved into our house a few years ago. no cable, no internet, nothing. so i entertained everyone with my constant vomiting noises for 24 hours. i am such a people pleaser;)

  9. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:00 pm mommakiss Says:

    That stomach flu is such a motherfucker. Silver lining, didja lose pounds?

  10. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:01 pm Sandi Says:

    Wondered where you’d been. Had started to worry. Wierd.

  11. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:02 pm Rebecca Says:

    I had to double check your page because no post on Mon and no post on Tue and I was all confused and worried and I was this close to calling the cops because I just knew that Mark Zucko…whoever and John C. Mayer had something to do with your disappearance. I was worried SICK!

    This is telling me that I’ve posted comments too quickly? Do I really type that fast?

  12. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:02 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Glad you are feeling better

    Decaf coffee is what we people who have been banned from caffeine by our sleep therapists drink in an attempt to fool our brain into thinking it’s awake, on the theory that the brain responds to taste memory & not the caffeine itself.

    In my case it worked for almost 2 weeks & then my brain caught on to my tricks and has been dragging ass ever since.

  13. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:08 pm Jack Adams Says:

    Like me, you don’t do anything half way.
    Glad you’re feeling better Aunt Beckie

  14. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:24 pm AngieM. Says:

    yikes! you are NO joke when you get sick are you? shit. well i’m glad you’re feeling better.


  15. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:27 pm injaynesworld Says:

    Well, that sucks. Glad you’re back and your bad old self again.

  16. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:29 pm Joules Says:

    Well, let’s see took my cat to the vet and she has fleas, America was sedated into unconsciousness by the final performances on American Idol and the end of the world was postponed until 10/21/11 according to Harold Camping(aka the dick whose miscalculations cause so man to repent while they could have been revelling in sin for the next 5 months).
    Glad you’re alive and back to kicking internet ass.

  17. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:30 pm Dusty Hepler Says:

    I adore how you can make the mediocre magical. I don’t know where I’d be without these whimsical moments to make my mundane seem almost dramatic. So glad you made it through alive… God forbid I entertain myself.

  18. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:43 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    I am so glad you’re back I MISSED you so much. Most of all I am glad you are feeling a little better. Can’t wait until you are 100%.

    Sorry you had to go to the ER I too HATE the ER.

  19. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:45 pm VEG Says:

    I asked for a little green machine carpet steamer for my birthday. It’s the shit. WOO-OOOO PARRRRTTTTAAAYYYYY!

  20. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:47 pm VEG Says:

    I asked for a Little Green Machine for my birthday. It’s the shit. WOOOOO-OOOOO Paaaaaarrrrrrrttttttaaaaayyyyyy!

  21. On May 25th, 2011 at 2:15 pm Betty M Says:

    Oh you poor thing. That is just horrible. Hope you are back on top form pronto.

  22. On May 25th, 2011 at 2:15 pm SharleneT. Says:

    Well, you missed the end of the world, but you can catch it in October. You missed the end of spring peas and the start of summer beans. You missed your opportunity for a three-week vacation on the island of your choice because you weren’t there and they gave it to me. (I’m really sorry about that.) You missed cleaning up some dog vomit because some people will not accept the fact that my dog does NOT eat port! I know. I know. She’s a Mexican Chihuahua but, apparently, a JEWISH Mexican Chihuahua…

    But, more importantly and that which caused the most pain — I missed YOU! Glad you’re feeling better.

  23. On May 25th, 2011 at 2:49 pm Missy Says:

    Can your dog only handle Chardonnay?

  24. On May 25th, 2011 at 2:22 pm Penbleth Says:

    I’m glad you’re feeling better. How horrible to be so sick.

  25. On May 25th, 2011 at 2:22 pm Penbleth Says:

    I’m glad you’re feeling better. How horrible to be so sick.

  26. On May 25th, 2011 at 2:32 pm KJ Says:

    well, you missed me being sick with the same thing you & your family had… but that’s probably a plus. I’m assuming that since I could barely crawl back inside after having walked to get my son off the bus this afternoon, I’m probably suffering from a bit o’ dehydration myself. Of course, I end up in the ER getting fluids on the reg bc I’m one of those stubborn weirdos that doesn’t really drink anything anyway. So, aside from gatorade, which I refuse to go near, is there a cure that doesn’t involve an intravenous drip? (another thing I prefer to avoid like ingesting liquids & the stomach flu – I mean plague)

  27. On May 25th, 2011 at 2:46 pm Sunday Says:

    Puking is the worst thing ever. Iā€™m glad you are back!

  28. On May 25th, 2011 at 2:54 pm ChiMomWriter Says:

    I couldn’t put my finger on why this week has been shit, and now it is clear: No AB fix. Glad you’re well. But WTF is up with all of these winter illnesses taking over spring? It’s been all flu, strep, and bronchitis around these parts. I’m going to start carrying spray bottles of Lysol instead of mace. Because we go through a lot of mace in suburbia.

  29. On May 25th, 2011 at 3:03 pm Gamanda Says:

    Hmmmm, did you hear they killed Osama? It wasn’t covered very well in the media, so I wasn’t sure.

  30. On May 25th, 2011 at 3:37 pm Triplezmom Says:

    I’m glad you’re feeling better. And I’m jealous of your carpet steamer.

  31. On May 25th, 2011 at 4:24 pm badbadwebbis Says:

    As a couple of people have mentioned, Harold Carpenter informed us that ACTUALLY, Jesus put us all on Double-Secret Probation and he’s coming back to kick our asses out of college in October. Sneaky Jesus!

    And it’s 99 degrees here, so I guess Texans won’t be too uncomfortable when the world burns up…they’ll be used to it. You guys, on the other hand, it just sucks to be you.

  32. On May 25th, 2011 at 4:32 pm Jonah Gibson Says:

    Glad you’re back and feeling mo’ betta. BTW I use the smoove jazz to get my blood pressure back down after my morning jolts of high-test espresso because I ain’t drinkin’ no stinkin’ decaff. We all gotta make compromises. Fortunately I still get to choose where.

  33. On May 25th, 2011 at 4:37 pm NikkiK Says:

    With your infamous WHITE carpeting, I am amazed you just got a carpet steam cleaner. I love them so much I just bought my second one – I now have a large stand-up one and a smaller “travel” one. And I don’t even have carpeting in most of my house anymore – we stripped down to hardwood floors! Party on, Nerdo!

  34. On May 25th, 2011 at 4:54 pm Lauren Elyse Says:

    The Stomach Flu is totally a Sith. Asshole Sith virus.

    Glad you’re better, though.

  35. On May 25th, 2011 at 9:04 pm MaryPoppinSertraline Says:

    Well spoken, and too funny! May I have permission to swipe that for my own personal use over at Cradle Rocking someday? I’ll credit you. šŸ™‚

  36. On May 25th, 2011 at 5:00 pm CycleNinja Says:

    What did you miss? Well, my resolution to start blogging again, for one.

  37. On May 25th, 2011 at 5:07 pm Chris in PHX Says:

    You havent missed much…oh yeah, they did finally decide that purple is a flavor, but they were one vote short yesterday…you did mail your ballot back, right?

  38. On May 25th, 2011 at 5:33 pm Sandy Says:

    Glad to hear you’re feeling better!

  39. On May 25th, 2011 at 6:04 pm katrina Says:

    Yeah, this week was the shit….I should’ve known it would be….no AB on monday,…no AB on tuesday. I was getting worried. Who do i call?…and what do i say…”my favorite blogger is missing…….help!!” I’m relieved and very happy that you and your little family are all better!

  40. On May 25th, 2011 at 6:18 pm habanerogal Says:

    Yes decaf is bulshit might as well drink brown water, but tell me what flavour was that blue slurpee I hope it was raspberry. In other news glad you have repaired enough to rejoin the land of the living

  41. On May 25th, 2011 at 6:18 pm habanerogal Says:

    Yes decaf is bulshit might as well drink brown water, but tell me what flavour was that blue slurpee I hope it was raspberry. In other news glad you have repaired enough to rejoin the land of the living

  42. On May 25th, 2011 at 6:35 pm moonspun Says:

    I am so jealous of your steamer!!!

  43. On May 25th, 2011 at 6:35 pm moonspun Says:

    I am so jealous of your steamer!!!

  44. On May 25th, 2011 at 8:04 pm vickilikesfrogs Says:

    Glad you’re better, mofoAB!! And I would give a million dollars to hear that *hork* sound in person. To the best of my knowledge, I have never heard anyone make a sound like that.

  45. On May 25th, 2011 at 8:58 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    Oh no! I’m glad you’re feeling better.

  46. On May 25th, 2011 at 8:59 pm MaryPoppinSertraline Says:

    Becky, I feel your pain acutely: Two years ago, literally over Christmas, I had gastroenteritis so severe an ambulance needed called. The EMT’s were treated to prying me off the loo to be trundled off (Happy Christmas!), which actually isn’t my most mortifying moment, believe it or not. I was given seven bags of IV fluids in Triage alone, and kept for three days- requiring me to miss the first day back at work after holiday. Company policy was if that happens, one gets docked one’s entire holiday pay- EVEN THOUGH I was in a hospital bed. Not to be maudlin, but the absolute worst part of all?? I was four weeks pregnant at the time. I later lost the baby. I share all this only to state I truly understand what you’re going through. Please take best care, glad to see you back and posting!!

  47. On May 25th, 2011 at 9:35 pm Kristin Says:

    The flu fucking sucks. Glad you are feeling a bit better.

  48. On May 25th, 2011 at 10:18 pm Tracie Says:

    Decaf is just wrong and should be banned.

    Slurpies are awesome.

    I’m glad you are feeling better…I was all sure that you were being held hostage in the ER and we were going to have to gather up some ransom money and stage a break out for you. Which could have been fun.

  49. On May 26th, 2011 at 8:13 am Melinda-LooKWhatMomFound..and Dad too! Says:

    It’s been a long time since I’ve been that sick, hope you’re all better.

  50. On May 26th, 2011 at 8:14 am Josefina Says:

    Please don’t tell me you put decaf coffee in your mouth.

    I’m glad you’re feeling better. I was worried about you! xo

  51. On May 26th, 2011 at 9:16 am Christina Says:

    As my two year old would say …”oh my goodness! dew ok?!?!?” That sucks! Sucks! I meanm it would be one thing to be THAT sick from DRINKING. At least it would have kinda been worth it (assuming you went above well). Shit. The ER. I’m really sorry. I really hope you feel better.

  52. On May 26th, 2011 at 9:28 am Barbara Says:

    Uhhhh that sounds so terrible. Glad to have you back.

  53. On May 26th, 2011 at 10:04 am The Mommy Therapy Says:

    So sorry! The stomach bug is the worst!

    I’m so relieved your cats weren’t able to gnaw through your body. Maybe going to the hospital saved your life in more ways than one?

    Nothing happening here, just sweaty gross heat here in Austin, TX. Basically we are sitting around sweating and smelling. It’s awesome.

  54. On May 26th, 2011 at 11:05 am Brandy Says:

    I was soooooooo excited when I got my carpet steamer. Then I got depressed because I was 25 and excited about a carpet steamer….. Haha.

    Aunt Becky i am glad you feel better. I wish you health and happiness for the rest of your years.

  55. On May 26th, 2011 at 12:31 pm Heather Says:

    So sorry you were sick!!! And I do love my steam cleaner!!!

  56. On May 26th, 2011 at 12:46 pm Wendy (from Maine) Says:

    I’m jsut glad that I’m not the only one who bought a carpet steamer this year in response to the stomach flu! (My daughter spent the whole spring being known as “Ralph McPukerson”…) glad you’re feeling better!

  57. On May 26th, 2011 at 1:56 pm Caroline Says:

    Mother fuckin decaf coffee. What the hell is the point of that? It’s like eating no fat cream cheese.

  58. On May 26th, 2011 at 8:14 pm Kate Says:

    Oh AUnt Becky! Collin had it last week too, ended up in the ER, then admitted to Peds, and after he got admitted *I* got admitted to L&D for the same thing (I’m 6 months pregnant, it was bad mojo)! I wanted to die soooo bad . It was awful. they ended up giving me 6 bags of fluid over 2 days and 3 phenergan drips and sending my husband home on emergency leave (where HE got it too, but drove back to Mississippi and threw up ONCE the entire time- asshole).

    That this is AWFUL and I HATE it and I am SO glad you’re better… And may it STAY THE FUCK AWAY!! *HISSSSS at stomach flu)

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