Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

This Ain’t Your Momma’s Pioneer Woman


If you have no idea what I’m talking about, go here for a visit, then come back. It’ll make more sense that way.

Hm…It’s lunch time. What shall I cook?


Wow, those cookbooks are shiny and new looking! That must be painfully obvious that I do not cook. Unless one calls “shamelessly ordering take-out” cooking. Which, probably not.



*wrings hands dramatically for several minutes*

Man, being sanctimonious makes me hungry.


Wait, now THAT looks like a book I would like! Retro lady, the word “secret” in the title, and I’m pretty sure no foodies would masturbate onto it.

Phew! I can make lunch after all.

Let’s see…





Not really quite what I had in mind. I left my bitter pants upstairs, and while I like cookies, I’m pretty sure this won’t be too tasty.

Well, hel-lo lover…


Hooray! Even *I* can use the microwave! And look at the whimsical packaging! I can’t go wrong here.


Okay, dude, Pad Thai box, I sort of hate taking direction. Remember the whole “nursing school” fiasco?

Yeah, me too.


But lookit all the cute individually wrapped packages! How wee!


I can artfully arrange them JUST LIKE BEN! He’d be so proud of my technique! I should show him. Oh…right.


Man, Day 1 of school and I already miss him.


Posing the water next to my orchid is very artsy. Maybe I could be…a photo blogger.

(shut UP)

And that’s ABOUT a cup. Close enough for me.


5! More! Flavors!

I might actually eat lunch properly again! O! Thank you, box of prepackaged Thai food!


Add the bag of noodles.


Wait. Um. That sauce looks semi-unappetizing.

But wait! Look! Whimsical packaging!!!

What was I saying again? I totally forgot.


Look at me all using the microwave like a big kid. Daver is going to be SO PROUD of me.

*hums Jeopardy song loudly*


Aww, yeah! END. I know what THAT means!


Uh. Well.



Maybe this is what will make my lunch more delicious: one more microwaved minute.



And just like that, I have noodles glued together with an unidentifiable sauce! I should TOTALLY WRITE A COOKBOOK. That’s EXACTLY what I should do! WRITE COOKBOOKS!


Uh, MOM? Hi. Are you a total idiot?

99 Comments to

“This Ain’t Your Momma’s Pioneer Woman”

  1. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:18 pm Maria Says:

    Mmmmmm, noodlez.

    I will happily ship them to you. After the hour or so of wrangling kids between finishing cooking and actually being able to eat them, well, let’s just say even *I* won’t touch them now.

  2. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:40 pm melanie Kerton Says:

    lmao……… so glad I am not the only one out there!

  3. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:43 pm Kristi Stevens Says:

    I totally relate. Back in my stay-at-home mom days I decided to buy the Southern Living at Home annual reciepe books. I even thought it was cool my collection started in 1997, the year my son was born. Well, long about 2004 and oh, $300 later, I gave up this fantasy. However, my daughter has the cooking gene :-(… she loves to pick out the recipe with the most ingredients and torture me – I mean spend quality time cooking with me.

    Cooking makes me want to beat someone senseless.

  4. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:56 pm Dolores Says:

    OMG! I love it! HAHA!!! 😀

  5. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:19 pm Petra aka The Wise (Young) Mommy Says:

    hahahahahahhahaha, I love it!

    I am in the same club 😉

    But at least we are cute, right? And totally HILARIOUS when we are drunk.


  6. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:23 pm ainebegonia Says:

    I would totally buy your cookbook!

    The one line cookbook would read: Order Takeout Now.

  7. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:29 pm Rebecca Says:

    I am so glad I didn’t buy those from the grocery store, no matter how good they look on the front of the package. Ordering take out is the way to go….especially when you can pick up stuff from the deliciously good place called Pei Wei.

    That name must make the Pad Thai taste THAT much better!

  8. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:34 pm Daniel Says:

    You shoulda seen me last night, came home with crates of fruit to dehydrate. All went well until i came to the crate of mangos. How the F do you cut a mango??

    I have absolutely no idea.

  9. On August 26th, 2009 at 1:35 pm Jessica from Michigan Says:

    Is your thumbnail the only one that is painted…? Cuz I pretty much only have time to do my thumb, so if that’s the style now, I’m totally on board.

    We’ll totally bring this to Vogue. I’m down.

  10. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:36 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Food porn? Count me in!

    Mmmmmmmmmm vodka.
    Sorry, did you cook something? I was distracted by shiny bottles of vodka.

    I cooked, but it was inedible.

  11. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:39 pm Coco Says:

    We can write a cookbook together!

    We’ll call it….”Cooking With Vodka – No Food Required!”

    I know, I know….commencing Think-of-the-CHILLLDREN hand-wringing now.

    Fucking party poopers.

    I think all we can include are liquids and jello. Which, is jello a solid or a liquid? I SIMPLY DON’T KNOW, COCO.

  12. On August 26th, 2009 at 12:44 pm ZDub Says:

    The look on his face is priceless!

    Probably because he was hungry and his Mom was taking pictures of noodles.

    I think you are a pretty good PW. I hope you were cooking while on horseback.

    I put on all of my petticoats just to make this.

  13. On August 26th, 2009 at 1:06 pm Amy declouet Says:

    I’m totally craving boxed Thai noodles now!!!

  14. On August 26th, 2009 at 1:37 pm Jen Says:

    Hey, Becky-

    How come your nails are different colors? (not a stalker, just home sick and wondering if I’m missing a new fashion)
    If I can’t make it in a crockpot, I can’t make it. I gave away all my cookbooks. Yeah, you heard that, julia child. I’m 32 and don’t cook, don’t want to! So there.

    I wish you were stalking me. And I don’t cook. Ever. I should give away my cookbooks too.

    My nail? I just normally paint my thumb nail because I’m not into the whole manicured look but I like a little color.

  15. On August 26th, 2009 at 1:44 pm Julia Says:

    I am judging you, just so you know. JUDGING YOU.

    Those teeny bottles wouldn’t get a hamster giddy, woman.

    But they work wonders on the baby.

  16. On August 26th, 2009 at 1:48 pm leanne Says:

    This was hysterical!

    And I didn’t even know who Pioneer Woman was until you mentioned her.

    So does the Daver cook?

    Neither of us cooks. I TRIED for years and was eventually discouraged by my family’s tepid response.

  17. On August 26th, 2009 at 1:49 pm Creepy Mommy Says:

    I loved the ending. Perfection.

    Like Alex was going to eat it anyway. HAH.

  18. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:53 pm Caroline Says:

    yeah, but did it taste good? I’ve thought about buying those before, but was afraid of what it tasted like. I do not want to ruin Pad Thai for me. That would put the take out restaurant up the street out of business. You know me, always thinking of others!

    Bwahahahaha! I didn’t actually get to try it. It was an hour before I could properly sit down to eat (thank you Alex AND Amelia for demanding LUNCH. How DARE THEY?) and by that time it was so foul looking I decided to forgo lunch entirely.

  19. On August 26th, 2009 at 1:54 pm Sara Says:

    You make me jealous. I don’t have a microwave to cook prepackaged noodles with unidentifiable sauce.

    You braggy bitch!

    Here I am, flaunting my microwave to The Internet. WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD THAT DON’T HAVE FEET!

  20. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:16 pm Nel Says:

    That vodka looks de-frickin-licous right now! I’ll come over and we can eat it together.

    If it makes you feel any better, the last time I tried to cook, I messed up hamburger helper. My husband groans when I tell him I am cooking.

    I’ve ruined jello. No, seriously.

  21. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:18 pm Nel Says:

    And by the way, my reader did not inform me of your new post. I knew something was wrong and immediately checked it out for myself. PHEW!

    Google Reader is being all kinds of wonky today, I noticed that too!

  22. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:19 pm Caron Says:

    I was in a meeting and laughing out loud, so I had to put down my phone until I could control myself.

    I have a word for you: cereal.

    I would happily live on cereal. Maybe I should. Seriously.

  23. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:21 pm Bellainara Says:

    I’ve been following you for a while and following PW for even longer….this was bust my gut funny.

    Please tell me that someone has directed PW here, because if not, I’ll so do it. I’m sure she’d love this too.

    Love the Blog, Love the Vodka!

    I hope that she does come and see the post! Very nice to have met you.

  24. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:23 pm Kelly Says:

    I do cook, but often don’t feel like it. Eating out/take out is almost the same cost as groceries, right?

    My husband and I like to fight over who left what take out menu where, and who had it last, why they are not back in “their” drawer, (because our take out menus, have their own drawer) and cool mature shit like that.


  25. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:30 pm Manda Says:

    DUUUDE –

    Do I have an awesome microwave recipe for you.

    First, throw a handful of frozen tater tots in a bowl. Nuke em for about a minute and a half.

    Then, get out the frozen mixed veggies. Throw them in the bowl. Add a spoonful of margarine in there. Then get out your spices. Garlic and onion powder. Cajun seasoning. Some italian seasoning and celery seeds for color.

    Nuke all that for another minute and a half. Mix it up. Eat it. The tater tots won’t be crispy but who cares?

    **This is especially good at 3am.

    This would be excellent hangover food!

  26. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:30 pm Kori Says:

    I never have understood the appeal of Pioneer Woman, frankly. Or baked beans, actually, which I am sure makes me Un-American but I think I can live with that. I don’t drink so I don’t care what people think of my poor chiiiildren, and hey-I like to cook. So, now that I have completely outed myself as a traitor to all our country holds dear, I think I am going to mosey along and see if I can’t get that cyanide pill I keep in my mouth crunched up before the Pioneer Woman fans come lynch me.

    and you can cook for me any old time. Noodles, schmoodles.

    Ha! I can OUT DO YOU. I hate baked beans AND apple pie!

  27. On August 26th, 2009 at 3:32 pm Anjali Says:

    Wow, did you and I graduate from the same cooking school?

    The “Always Order Take-Out School of Slackers?” ABSOLUTELY.

  28. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:36 pm kbrients Says:

    oh yeah– seriously… that is my kind of cooking. I am SO not a cooker– LOL 🙂 (that is a word right?)

    It’s absolutely a word now. Let’s put it in my dictionary along with eleventy-niner.

  29. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:36 pm Ashley Says:

    I grew up with my grandma, and my aunt (who was 12 at the time) was the one who took care of me the majority of the time. (Seriously, they brought me home from the hospital, dumped me with her [she had no baby-care experience] and left. My poor aunt.) My food groups were as follows:





    and Burned Shit My Grandma Served Me.

    Hubby hates when I cook chicken because I like my chicken dry and stringy, not juicy like normal people. It’s the way it I grew up eating chicken. Hell, the woman could barely make boxed cakes. BOXED CAKES! I took over that shortly after I got old enough to do so. Like, when I was four. Because seriously…


    The cakes did nothing to deserve her burned punishment. I think my baking skillz were blessed upon me by the Cake Gods and Goddesses as gratitude for rescuing future cakes from her black grasp.

    I’m WAY more concerned about the cakes than the children.

  30. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:42 pm Bluebird Says:

    While this post is totally hysterical in and of itself — I mostly laughed because I have so Been. There.

    Never again will I attempt Thai food at home. So not worth it.

    Had it not made for good blog material, I seriously might have cried over the wasted $4

  31. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:48 pm Kerrie Says:

    Anything that comes in a box is edible in my house. My husband has a rule : if you can’t cook it under 10 minutes, it ain’t worth it : Hmm….wait a minute…That works on a few levels come to think of it…..

    waggles eyebrows.

  32. On August 26th, 2009 at 3:50 pm Beth Says:

    I don’t cook either. I can, but I prefer not to anymore. I bake like a fucking 4H Queen though, just not often.

    On the same level of the Pioneer Woman is that crazy “Shiney Sink” bitch. I can’t remember her name for the life of me right now. But she would send emails that said, “time to shine your sink!” and told you to always wear shoes in the house so you were ready to go at a moments notice. That my friend is what flip-flops or clogs are for, duh! My sisters were big fans of hers and I just made fun of it all as I tend to do. That is where “Life on Shiny Island” came from, fuck the sink, Mr. Sausage King loves his HUGE granite island (he does the cooking) and the thing that makes him happiest is to come home to find it all clean and shiny.

    I used to eat those microwave Thai things last summer when I had the store. But they stunk so much that I had to quit for fear of offending a customer. Plus, as you found out, if they sat more than a nanosecond, they got all gluey and grosser than ever.

    Time to shine my island…

  33. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:54 pm Angie Pangie Says:

    I’ve tried that exact brand and flavor of Thai. And. Well. It is horrible. Stick with the frozen stuff. Or, better yet, I’ll come cook for you!

    PLEASE come cook for me. PLEASE?

  34. On August 26th, 2009 at 2:59 pm boobarella Says:

    My husband does all the cooking in our house. When he leaves town for a few days he buy some hot dogs & beans and then leaves me the take out menus and $50.

    yeah, my man loves me.

    Your husband is brilliant.

  35. On August 26th, 2009 at 3:05 pm Katy Says:

    that stuff smells awful. my roommate AND my mom love those, so there is no escaping the smell wherever i choose to go. and invariably, they leave the empty carton on the counter so i get to clean up the sticky aftermath.
    i am not judging them for having microwavable food, lord no. i have issues with cooking, meaning i stay away from it. take out and the microwave are my friends. i judge them because that stuff stinks. and the noodles look like zip-ties.
    at least i don’t look at my food before i eat it. otherwise, i would notice that my taco bell soft tacos look like cat vomit mixed with a little “ground beef,” all wrapped in a kneaded eraser. and smells like house paint.

    I couldn’t even BEGIN to try and eat that.

  36. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:16 pm Sarah Says:

    Petticoats are hot. Just sayin’. And the next time I plop my big ass down in front of a sewing machine, I am so making you a sunbonnet. So.. hold your breath.

    Baby-sized vodka bottles – that’s just genius. Pure and simple.

    Cooking kicks my ass, but I can and occasionally do bake all day – I will absolutely be making my man some of the Control Freak Cookies he so deserves! Excellent!

    And what I really cannot get over, what’s freaking hysterically FULL of The Awesome, is that YOU, my friend, my beloved AUNTIE, *YOU* have directed me to not one but TWO of the coolest homeschooling blogs I’ve come across in a long time, in as many days. HOW DO YOU DO IT??!!

  37. On August 26th, 2009 at 3:17 pm Melanie Says:

    Let’s just drink the vodka in the cupboard.

    YES. Let’s.

  38. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:32 pm This Ain’t Your Momma’s Pioneer Woman | Low Price Cooking Info Blog Says:

    […] Go here to read the rest: This Ain’t Your Momma’s Pioneer Woman […]

  39. On August 26th, 2009 at 3:36 pm Calliope Says:

    wondering if this would count as a “recipe post” in blogger bingo…..hmmmmm

    I think it does!

  40. On August 26th, 2009 at 3:40 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    I fail at making PB&J sammiches. I can ruin anything without even trying. I’d like to think of it as a skill. Thankfully, hubby is an amazing cook.

    But that is brilliant. I love the poor guy’s face…wondering what his mommy is doing touching the food.

    Oh, and we have an entire shelf on our bookshelf full of cookbooks.

    I need to give up the ghost and get rid of some of our specialty cookbooks. Because, SERIOUSLY.

    I think we’ve used one of them once.

  41. On August 26th, 2009 at 3:48 pm Miss Grace Says:

    I’m very, very impressed with the amount of photos you fit into this post.

  42. On August 26th, 2009 at 3:49 pm Karen Says:

    And I would have thought you had larger bottles of vodka around the house.

    They’re in the fridge!

  43. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:10 pm Krissa Says:

    Yeah. And to think I was assuming you were scrood when you ditched the directions! I just need to have more faith!

  44. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:10 pm Barbara Says:

    bwaaaaaa haaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  45. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:13 pm mumma boo Says:

    Dude, if it doesn’t have PB or J or frozen poultry in it, it doesn’t get eaten in this house. I’ve given up on cooking for the under 7 set and content myself with the dream that I will eat a normal meal in the year 2023. I applaud your efforts at microwave Thai, and the only reason you ruined the jello was because you didn’t put enough vodka in it.

  46. On August 26th, 2009 at 5:15 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    I’ve got the Joy and BHG cookbooks. I never actually cook from Joy, just use it for reference and definitions. I’ve made some stuff from BHG but I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite.

    Usually what I do is decide what I want to cook, google about 10 recipes, and concoct my own from those ideas.

  47. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:22 pm Amy Says:

    *giggle* ; )

  48. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:32 pm Daniel Says:

    would you adopt me? i’ll bring my booze cabinet with me.

  49. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:44 pm Manda Says:

    Oh yeah.

    It’s also good drunk food.

    In fact, I tried to make it stone cold sober a few times and completely effed it up. (I forgot the spices).

  50. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:52 pm Jenn Says:

    Know what makes that funnier? Other than the fact that it looks like a day at my house? I suspect Alex is still in his pjs. At lunch.

  51. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:55 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    We prefer Crown Royal to the Glenlivet, but we’re not fond of single malts much. I’ve never tried the Pad Thai in a box. I stick with Ramen noodles, they are much easier. Fill container with water, nuke 3 minutes, sit 3 minutes, stir & eat. No packages to worry about.

  52. On August 26th, 2009 at 5:56 pm moonspun Says:

    well at least you’ve got the essential cookbooks. Did you know that Joy of cooking shows you how to cook squirrel???

  53. On August 26th, 2009 at 4:58 pm Becca Says:

    That is freakin’ hy-larious!!! I bought that last year thinking, oh I love that kind of food. NOT!!!!!! It was soooo nasty, and I didn’t wait an hour to eat it. It isn’t you, it is that stupid box with it’s whimsical packaging.

  54. On August 26th, 2009 at 5:01 pm Sunny Says:

    I would never have purchased this… I draw the line at three steps when I am making a meal.

    Oh, and I just barfed looking at the “uh. well.” picture.

  55. On August 26th, 2009 at 5:14 pm a Says:

    Fabulous! I have to say – if I cooked like PW, I would weigh like 3000 pounds. Butter and bacon grease seem to be her favorite ingredients. I don’t doubt you could do a lot with those too. But, I live in hope of winning one of her giveaways, so I will keep any additional comments to myself. Suffice it to say, you have wa-a-ay better commenters! Not as much fawning.

    Kitchen tip…next time, when the noodles have become all gluey from sitting, add the vodka, stir, and microwave for an additional minute.

  56. On August 26th, 2009 at 5:14 pm Trista Says:

    I just looked at Pioneer Woman for the first time, and she had me at “thick bacon.” Now what was the rest of her blog about?

    I used to have an awesome Chocolate Cake in a Microwaveable Cup recipe that I wish I could share with you, but I deleted the e-mail it came in because it sounded like too much work.

  57. On August 26th, 2009 at 5:25 pm heather Says:

    Wow that was some scary looking…

  58. On August 26th, 2009 at 5:37 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    This entry could not have come at a better time. I used to like to cook, but add another kid in the mix and not so much. So this week was Suck It Sandwich week as in suck it we are having sandwiches this week for dinner because I can’t figure this baby’s routine for the life of me and I don’t need the anxiety of trying to feed him and put him down AND get a decent dinner on the table. So when I was at the deli, this 16 year old baby face deli coutner guy was like, dude that’s a lot of lunchmeat. I said that was what we were having for dinner all week. He said everyone needs a break. I wanted to scream, YOUR 16 AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS A FUCKING BREAK!!!! But instead I said I make really good turkey ruebens and grilled rosemary ham and cheese sandwiches.

    Maybe one day I’ll cook again. Until then, it’s sandwiches and tyson grilled chicken strips.

  59. On August 26th, 2009 at 5:37 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    I forgot to mention that I, too, hate apple pie. Why is everyone always shocked by this fact?

  60. On August 26th, 2009 at 6:43 pm Erin Says:

    Next you should attempt Crystal Light, but be sure to use their Ready to Go packets and bottled water. Otherwise you have to get out an actual pitcher, which takes forever to fill with water, and get out a glass or something. WAY too much work.

    Then you could go for the dessert course with those Betty Crocker mini-cakes!

    I sense a whole LINE of cookbooks!

  61. On August 26th, 2009 at 6:59 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    The Pioneer Woman makes me crazy too. I mean…really? And I DO cook. Don’t get me started.

  62. On August 26th, 2009 at 6:00 pm Genevieve Says:

    So yesterday I handmade 2 cherry pies (cherries grown, picked and pitted by yours truly thankyouverymuch) and after it was all said and done and I took my first bite I thought to myself “damn that’s some pretty good pie, take that pioneer woman!!!”

    Now I’m wondering what the heck I wasted all that time for! If I had only known that all it takes to outdo PW was a box of microwave Thai and some baby sized booze.

  63. On August 26th, 2009 at 6:27 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    OK, before I write this comment, I feel I should confess that as of tonight, I have made dinner THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW!!! Now calm down, calm down. The good times can’t last forever, my friend. Sooner or later, something always comes out of a bag and is cold and I bitch about the quality.

    Now for the comment portion of my comment. Um, I pretty much thought baked beans WERE a can of pork and beans. That was my mom’s recipe, that was my grandma’s recipe, that was my great-grandma’s recipe, and it was MY recipe. Open can, two minutes in the microwave, yum yum, yo. Check out how many fewer steps that is! Straight up food bloggin, lady!

  64. On August 26th, 2009 at 6:35 pm nic @mybottlesup Says:

    i want a lunch date with you as soon as possible…. but i’m on a liquid diet.

  65. On August 26th, 2009 at 6:50 pm Manda Says:

    ***Shameless Self Promotion Warning***

    One of my blogs is the Team Fat Kid Cookbook.

    If you enjoyed my microwaved tatertot scrumptiousness, you should check it out.

    There you will find things like mashed potato pizza and bacon chocolate chip cookies.

    We might soon be featuring a PBR beer batter. It’s in the testing stages right now.

  66. On August 26th, 2009 at 7:12 pm Inna Says:

    You know, now I feel kinda silly about my last comment. I really had no idea whatsoever who this pioneer woman was. I thought you were going to emulate a pioneer woman and I was looking forward to whatever that meant.

    And my oh my, this shit was hilarious! I once tried the indian food version of those microwavable thingies. Yeah, not so good. And I set the microwave on high (because, why not) and part of the cheese in my shaag paneer exploded in there…. my roommates were not very happy. I’ve learned to order take out from now on.

  67. On August 26th, 2009 at 7:55 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    you’re supposed to have more than just vodka for lunch?


  68. On August 26th, 2009 at 7:58 pm Lisa Says:

    I don’t know what I am laughing at more lately – your posts or your comments to your commentors about your posts! You just made funny…funnier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I giggled my way through carpool today…

    My commentors effing rule. I know. They’re cracking me up too.

  69. On August 26th, 2009 at 9:03 pm Scattered Mom Says:

    Come to my house, I’ll cook for ya. 🙂 Just don’t blame me if you gain weight, k?

    At my current weight, I’m pretty sure no one would notice if I gained any more. So I’m a-comin’ over!

  70. On August 26th, 2009 at 9:05 pm lola Says:

    Bloody hell, woman! I’m not quite sure what scares me more, the incredibly crappy collection of cookbooks you own, the one painted fingernail or that disgusting excuse for lunch. Please tell me you didn’t eat that. Save yourself and order take-out Thai next time. There is absolutely no shame in that!!

    Impressive Vodka collection, though. That’s my girl!

    The vodka is what matters, yo.

  71. On August 26th, 2009 at 8:19 pm Caitlin Says:

    Just wanted to say that I’m a 21 year old college student in DC with no kids of my own, but I read your blog every day for a laugh. You are certainly a witty writer, and have managed to influence the style of writing I use in my own blog (which is just for personal entertainment).

    You definitely get props for carrying on every day. Keep writing! Keep us college kids sane!

    Dude. Thank you. I needed this.

  72. On August 26th, 2009 at 9:22 pm RJ Flamingo Says:

    I have never been at Pioneer Woman’s blog until this moment, although I guess I’ve heard of her, and Dude! Look, I post recipes from time to time, some even with photos, but, really? do we need a photo of each and every miniscule step?!? That just drives me insane! Who’d want to cook anything from scratch after looking at that?

    Last night, I made spaghetti and Ragu sauce (the diabetic husband is getting cocky, now he’s lost all that weight), and except for boiling the water, it probably took less time than that pseudo-Thai crap. The hubs also cooks, Thank God. Look for a post on Tofu Ranchero, next week. No, I’m not kidding. It tastes good. No, really.

    If I wanted Martha Stewart, I’d be over at *her* blog, Bitch! I mean that with love.

    I freaking love tofu. I bet that recipe is great.

  73. On August 26th, 2009 at 8:24 pm Pete in Az Says:

    Try this:

    Honey and Lemon Chicken

    4 chicken pieces
    2 ounces (60g or ½ stick) butter
    4 tablespoons clear honey
    2-3 tablespoons lemon juice
    4 sprigs fresh rosemary
    Heat the butter in a frying pan and brown the chicken on all sides. Transfer to a lidded casserole.
    Boil the honey, lemon juice and rosemary in the frying pan for a few minutes and then pour over the chicken. Cover the casserole and cook in a pre-heated oven at 375F for 20 minutes.

    It ain’t baked beans nor doughnuts… but it’s not bad neather.

    That sounds pretty fucking delicious.

  74. On August 26th, 2009 at 9:24 pm Meg Says:

    I so totally thought you were just going to open the vodka and serve that instead of the cooking thing. I would have done the whole KD microwave thingy or good old PB&J (unless you are adverse to PB, the nutter butter, or whatever). I don’t mind cooking but if it takes too much to think about then it’s so not worth it in the end.

    I do admire the scotch tho, good taste in that:) Vodka you can keep:)

    I actually THOUGHT of this but then I probably should tone down the drinking so that I stop getting compared to that chick who killed all of those people. Because, obviously.

  75. On August 26th, 2009 at 8:26 pm Vinomom Says:

    I lived off Top Ramen (or what this area refers to as Oodles of Noodles) for ten years. I ate that shit Every. Day. And to this day I still think it is the best shit on earth.

    Somewhere in my teens I also discovered chicken flavored Rice a Roni. No lie, I could eat that every day and a box of Top Ramen and be ok with that.

    Now I’m gluten free so I can’t have either. I mean, I can, but you now, the explosive diarrhea and all that.

    So I gotta cook more. My chicken sucked tonite. (Still bitter)

    I laughed my ass off at this post. And your comment replies too. I seriously don’t know how you think this stuff up. Fuckin’ HI-larious.

    Dude. I fucking LOVE Ramen.

  76. On August 26th, 2009 at 9:26 pm Kristin Says:

    Bwahahahaha…it’s a good thing I don’t love you for your cooking skills.

    And, tell Daniel to peel the mango, and then cut slices off it until youy get down to the pit.

    You’ll be shocked to know that I do love to bake. And actually? Quite good at it.

    I know. I KNOW!

  77. On August 26th, 2009 at 9:33 pm Wishing4One Says:

    Um i’ve been gone for 4 years but I do not remember noodles in a tall box that you actually pour the water into? I know there are bowls and shit like that where water goes right in, but that box just looks too flimsy man. Proud of ya though.

    You’…well, you’re not missing much.

  78. On August 26th, 2009 at 10:18 pm Beautiful Mess Says:

    Holy eleventy billion comments batman! I had to scroll A LOT of times. My finger now hurts.

    I think if I made one of those, my dad might be very “disappointed” in me and my mom would roll over in her grave/urn. I use minute rice and my dad rolls his eyes at me. “There is NO better rice then from a bamboo steamer!” says the Indonesian guy who helped make me. “Uhhh your in MY country now, old man. You eat what I cook!” I’m the BEST daughter EVER, what can I say? I do think of the children, which is WHY I have alcohol in my house. If it weren’t for the booze, they would be so unhappy. TRUST me!

    Good work using the microwave. If you want cooking (drinking) lessons, come to Oregon! I’ll teach you ALL sorts of cool things! *wink wink*
    Love ya sweetie!

    This is exactly how I think of the children, too!

  79. On August 26th, 2009 at 11:47 pm RJ Flamingo Says:

    Oh, and for Trista: I’ve got that microwave in a coffee cup chocolate cake recipe! *And* I’m gonna blog about that, too! ‘Cause it’s *hysterical*-looking in the microwave. And because I can make it with Splenda, so hubs (the smug almost-not-diabetic-anymore almost in shirt sizes smaller than mine person I live with) can actually then have chocolate cake. FYI – it takes like 5 minutes total to make. Can you stand it?!?

    I’m all about this! Chocolate and quick? Count me freaking IN.

  80. On August 27th, 2009 at 5:09 am ToyLady Says:

    Hi there – I just stumbled onto you a few days ago and decided to stick around. I hope you don’t mind.

    I actually have a coupon for that noodle mix stuff . . . I think I’ll just go ahead and throw it out now.

    Also, I’d take that scotch off your hands if no one else wants it. . .

    THROW THE COUPON AWAY! And I’ll send you the scotch. I’m a bourbon girl myself. Also? Pleased to meet you!

  81. On August 27th, 2009 at 6:18 am Amy Says:

    As an avid pioneer woman reader (and sometimes hater) you made me laugh out loud with this post, thanks you always manage to start my day with a smile. 🙂

    I’m very pleased that you liked this post.

  82. On August 27th, 2009 at 6:52 am The Mommy Says:

    Thanks for the giggles! I’m pretty sure that what my well-stocked pantry is missing is teeny tiny vodka bottles. {SIGH} I can’t wait to be done breatfeeding…

    And I’m such a dork that I am actually excited that you linked to Pioneer Woman. I think I want to BE her. Go ahead. Judge.

    The Pioneer Woman is a BRILLIANT business woman. I can see why you’d want to be her.

  83. On August 27th, 2009 at 8:53 am Badass Geek Says:

    I want to kiss the person who invented the microwave. If it wasn’t for that, cooking would be so INCREDIBLY HARD.

    I want to TONGUE kiss the person who invented take-out food.

  84. On August 27th, 2009 at 9:20 am Merritt Says:

    I have a whole shelf full of cookbooks, but I’m not entirely where they came from. I know that I didn’t buy them. My idea of a fancy dinner is Shake & Bake pork chops, Minute rice and canned corn. Living the high life, baby!

    That IS fancy.

  85. On August 27th, 2009 at 10:40 am Karly Says:

    Uh, maybe you should stick with frozen pizza and McDonalds drive thru?

    Yes. Exactly. Except I could find a way to fuck that up too.

  86. On August 27th, 2009 at 10:15 am kalakly Says:

    Sandwiches, sandwiches….all assembly no cooking required!!

    Sandwiches are a brilliant idea!

  87. On August 27th, 2009 at 11:19 am Notesfromthegrove Says:

    I love Asian food. No matter how it comes or how it’s prepared.

    And that kid is fucking CUTE.

    I totally thought the same thing until I made this box of Pad Thai. Blech.

  88. On August 27th, 2009 at 12:21 pm Tracy Says:

    That was an awesome post Aunt Becky! The Pioneer Woman mostly makes me want to eat a bullet thinking about how many women there are out there that can ACTUALLY relate to whatever it is she writes about….and try to emulate all that bs.

    She does take pretty pictures. **shrug** whatever.

    k….now i’m on the edge of my seat waiting for the loooOOOoooove letter post.

    I think that I’m going to have to get crack-a-lacking on this love letter.

  89. On August 27th, 2009 at 1:59 pm Potty Mouth Mommy Says:


    or tequila… or rum… dark rum anyway- not so big a fan of white rum…. oooooh…. or whiskey… I would totally cook for whiskey…

    or just because I love food…. I love to cook- I know, I’m an aberration… feel free to cane me now. 😛

    Dark rum is Of The Gods.

  90. On August 27th, 2009 at 2:02 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    See? I’d totally eat that.

    I am so lucky to have a husband who cooks not only well, but uses all kinds of healthy organic stuff and makes it taste so delicious. If I was the cook, we’d have Lean Cuisine every night.

    I’d eat popcorn. The air popped kind. Seriously.

  91. On August 27th, 2009 at 3:02 pm Kelly Says:

    BAHAHA! I loved this post so much (espesh cuz I’m a Pioneer Woman fan, shhh don’t tell)! I especially loved the photo after you microwaved it the first time, mmm so not the right consistency. Then like magic, 1 more minute and it’s slightly edible! Oh the miracle of processed foods!! And HOORAY for having only a few fingernails painted! I want to give you a hug! 🙂

    One nice nail looks much better than a full set of badly manicured fingers. Or this is what I tell myself.

  92. On August 27th, 2009 at 5:11 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Well, slap my mama. That was hilarious. As I was reading, I was thinking, “hmm, she actually had time to paint her fingernails!” but then I realized only the thumbnail was painted. WIN! The tiny alcohol bottles were full of awesome, too.

    Dude. If I tried to give myself a manicure, it would be Bad News, Baby. I’m neither dexterous OR deft.

  93. On August 27th, 2009 at 7:37 pm Twitter Trackbacks for Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » This Ain’t Your Momma’s Pioneer Woman [] on Says:

    […] link is being shared on Twitter right now. @mommywantsvodka, an influential author, said Aunt Becky as […]

  94. On August 28th, 2009 at 5:10 pm Rachel Says:

    Dude! I totally have the same paper towel holder in black!

  95. On August 29th, 2009 at 10:07 am docgrumbles Says:

    love it!

    I admit it – I am a fan of the step-by-step cooking blogs.

    Of course… now that I am back at work, I have not read any and I have barely been cooking! Frozen meatballs and pasta! so easy!

    interesting note – when JAG got burned, her PT told me the leading cause of burns in the young patients she sees is noodle soup. The containers are easily toppled, and the hot noodles stick to the skin. Just sharing a little “stuff mommies get to worry about” goodness.

    Even more reason for me to never cook. Besides, of course, my laziness.

  96. On August 30th, 2009 at 7:07 am rachel-asouthernfairytale Says:

    Holy hell that was funny!
    The look on his face, priceless 😉

    I must thank Marinka for sharing this! I laughed out loud at this 🙂

  97. On August 31st, 2009 at 7:33 pm Jenn Says:

    I married Kent primarily because he loves to cook. If the cooking were all left to me, we’d eat the same 4 things (all various pastas, haha) over and over and over again.

    I really should have married someone that cooked. Seriously.

  98. On October 1st, 2009 at 6:45 pm Maggie’s Blog » Blog Archive » Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » This Ain’t Your Momma’s Pioneer … Says:

    […] I left my bitter pants upstairs, and while I like cookies , I’m pretty sure this won’t be too tasty. Well, hel-lo lover… pad-thai-5. Hooray! Even *I* can use the microwave! And look at the whimsical packaging! I can’t go wrong here. …Continue Reading […]

  99. On May 31st, 2010 at 12:15 am AB Says:

    Love it. Noodles glued together with an unidentifiable sauce. Your children have no idea how lucky they are. Great blog by the way.

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