Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Things That Happen When The Proprietor Of A Blog Called “Mommy Wants Vodka” Asks You To Guest Post, And You’re A Recovering Alcoholic, But Not One Of Those Uptight, In-Your-Face Kinds, More Of The Laid Back Ones, But Also The Sort That Tends Overthink Things in A Tiresome Way


Today, in an uncharacteristic display of “letting my OCD go” I’ve decided that it’s high time to let some new blood in around here. Cross-pollination is a win for us all because you get to meet some of my awesome homies.

I don’t know if you guys have met Anna, from her blog of initials that I can’t remember because I invert shit You don’t have to remember the initials to know Anna, though, because she’s smart as fuck and twice as bold.

If you want to know about blogging, ad networks, The Internet, monetizing the blog, and you want to know from someone who KNOWS HER SHIT, you want Anna. I respect the shit out of her because she’s not afraid to stand up for herself and start stuff if she thinks there’s something amiss and she does her homework.

I respect the hell out of Anna and I’m honored that she’d post for me. Especially a random post because OBVIOUSLY.

1. You say “Yes!” in an uncharacteristically lighthearted way because you love Aunt Becky and love her blog, and love her Merry Band of Pranksters.

2. You wish that you had your own Merry Band of Pranksters.

3. If you did, you would have them follow you around with instruments, though.

4. Moreso than that, you wish you had something to call your own posse of readers that was even remotely as cool as “Merry Band of Pranksters.”

5. Dwell a few moments in envy, regret, and Diet-Coke fueled remorse.

6. Wonder if there would be a revolution of Pranksters once they realized that the Diet Coke would be served without vodka, even if only for one day.

7. One awful, dreary, vodka free day.

8. Clarify that you would gladly write about vodka if only vodka weren’t such a colossal asshole to you that one time in college.

9. Also the ten or forty times after college.

10. Also don’t forget about the time that vodka stole all your money and raped your dog.

11. You’re don’t really want to tell tales outside of school, but you think you saw vodka doing the wide stance in the airport bathroom with its intern.

12. And that was after vodka talking tough about the sanctity of marriage, too.

13. You’re just saying.

14. People in glass bottles.

15. Wonder why you chose the list format, yet again, as if to suggest that you are incapable of writing in paragraphs, when actually, you CAN write in paragraphs. Long ones. Tedious and boring ones, even.

16. Shine on, Merry Band of Pranksters.

What are YOU random about today?

52 Comments to

“Things That Happen When The Proprietor Of A Blog Called “Mommy Wants Vodka” Asks You To Guest Post, And You’re A Recovering Alcoholic, But Not One Of Those Uptight, In-Your-Face Kinds, More Of The Laid Back Ones, But Also The Sort That Tends Overthink Things in A Tiresome Way”

  1. On June 11th, 2010 at 11:19 am melissa Says:

    i just love you. that was my random thought.

  2. On June 11th, 2010 at 11:35 am Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

  3. On June 11th, 2010 at 11:39 am Mrs Dreamer Says:

    Vodka – HA! I knew it. You ARE a trampy, trampy whore. And if you knock up my dog again, I’m not afraid to cut a bitch.
    And that’s why I’m sleeping with a gentleman named Jack. Because you’re a bitch.

    I so want a Merry Band of Pranksters. But I’d call them my LDs. Not LSD…that would be too obvious. But LDs. I heart my Little Dreamers.

    And I totally heart Aunt Becky.

    And cookies.
    And chicken.
    And swimmy pools.
    And I need an IV of something alcoholic.

  4. On June 11th, 2010 at 4:32 pm Manda Says:

    Jack and I had a falling out several years ago, and we haven’t really spoken since.

    The trouble was, in a moment of weakness, I agreed to a wildly out of control group thing with Jack and his buddies Jameson, Dewars, and some guy so slimy he only went by “Old Crow”. I think even his Granddad got involved!! I felt very taken advantage of when I woke up the next day and realized what had happened.

    Now me and Pabst hang out every few weeks, and that’s about it.

    But watch out for that Jack character. He’s fucking kinky. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

  5. On June 11th, 2010 at 8:52 pm Dawme Says:

    Quervo tried to get in my pants not long ago. I turned him down so hard not only did he f**k my dog, he peed all over my front yard..killing my grass!
    Mondavi however, now there’s a gentleman!

  6. On June 11th, 2010 at 11:59 am Neeroc Says:

    I knew vodka was a bitch! I tried to rid the world of it in high school, er, university, and failed. Vodka beat me (and I liked it a little).
    But I really need to know: who is vodka’s intern?

  7. On June 11th, 2010 at 12:08 pm Kerry Says:

    Would vodka wear purple tights to the White House, do you think?

    I bet yes.

    Also, I heard vodka got a loaner washing machine that beeps.

  8. On June 11th, 2010 at 11:26 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:


    I mean, sure, I’d heard rumors about vodka before. Whispers had been shared. Secret fears vocalized.

    But to read about it so blatantly.

    Vodka – I’d believed in you.

    I’m not sure I can forgive you this time.

  9. On June 11th, 2010 at 7:52 pm Angela Says:

    This reply makes the entire blog that much funnier! Nice work Megan!

  10. On June 11th, 2010 at 12:43 pm a Says:

    You mean Aunt Becky doesn’t have people following her around playing music?

    Vodka was a colossal asshole that one time in college to you too? I gave it the smackdown, and it has been on it’s best behavior since, though…it stays in the bottle.

  11. On June 11th, 2010 at 12:50 pm Dawn Says:

    This Momma Wants Gin. And tonic. And lemon. Got to get those 5-10 a day.

  12. On June 11th, 2010 at 11:51 am Peggy Brister Says:

    I have been inspired to change the name of my blog to Peggy wants Tranxene and Tequila Rose in the spirit of Mommy wants vodka. Full disclosure ppl. I am putting it all out there. Or I could rename my blog Kidlets want benedryl. I dunno. Maybe not.
    Bring on the guest bloggers. We won’t harass them. Very much.

  13. On June 11th, 2010 at 12:52 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    I cheated on Vodka one time with Scotch, I admit it. I was walking around, feeling all the shit, thinking I’d gotten away with it, but then Vodka got a hold of my cell phone and saw some texts I didn’t delete, and so I got busted. Vodka took me back (after I begged for like two hours, stood outside Vodka’s window with Peter Gabriel on my boom box, you know how it is), but sure as hell made me pay for it later.

  14. On June 11th, 2010 at 1:41 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    (I like bourbon better, but “Mommy Wants Bourbon” didn’t sound awesome)

  15. On June 11th, 2010 at 11:54 am Peggy Brister Says:

    And who did you blow Melissa to get special treatment? How does Melissa’s picture show but we are all just shadow ppl? Hmmm? I see how it is Melissa.

  16. On June 11th, 2010 at 1:16 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I always assumed we were supposed to follow Aunt Becky around with instruments if we saw her in person. Like the minstrels Monty Python & the Holy Grail followed Sir Robin around singing about his exploits “He bravely turned his tail and fled” only we’d sing about Dexter or whatever Aunt Becky was doing at the time. SHould make a hell of a fun cruise

  17. On June 11th, 2010 at 2:13 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Sir Robin’s Minstrels

  18. On June 11th, 2010 at 3:52 pm Coco Says:

    Dear Stacy – Any woman who can quote the songs of Robin’s Minstrels is my kind of gal.

  19. On June 11th, 2010 at 1:20 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Personally I have remained faithful to tequila. You always know exactly where you stand, or pass out, with tequila. Not that you can trust tequila, but tequila never claimed you could. It’s always been open about nature so there are no surprises when tequila leaves you in underwear and hiking boots on the top of a water tower at the crack of dawn. You always knew it was a possibility.

  20. On June 11th, 2010 at 1:21 pm Alyssa Says:

    Vodka and I are on friendly terms. Not quite “hey come over, get naked and get in my hot tub” terms, but we had an understanding that vodka could do what it wanted who whom it wanted to do it with, as long as the next time it came around it brought it’s good friend Apple Pucker to keep it in line. Otherwise vodka is a bitch and tends to get in trouble with the police. Tequila and I though… we were Turner & Hooch, Laverne & Shirley, always there for each other and of course tequila is always allowed naked in my hot tub… well it would be if I had one.

    Other ramdomness.. Aunt Becky is the shiznit… but we already knew that.

  21. On June 11th, 2010 at 1:27 pm Stephanie Says:

    Vodka is my friend. A very good friend, if you consider a good friend the kind that you have an awesome time with…. such an awesome time that you do things that you wouldn’t normally consider doing. Then the morning comes and vodka has run off sometime while you are sleeping and you feel like crap and full of regret.

    aaahhh vodka. I choose to think about the good times and not the morning after. When vodka and I get together we have our own special language that only ‘we’ understand….

    Vodka and I have a love song. Maybe you have heard it?? Tone loc… Funky Cold Medina

  22. On June 11th, 2010 at 12:47 pm TeacherMommy Says:

    Vodka and I are simply polite acquaintances. Nothing too intimate, really.

    Jagermeister, on the other hand…

    We won’t talk about last Halloween. Or the pool. Or the lack of a bathing suit.


  23. On June 11th, 2010 at 12:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Replace Goldschlager with Jager and we have a winner!

  24. On June 12th, 2010 at 12:22 am poosemommy Says:

    I’ll see that and raise you Wild Turkey and bumpin’ bareback in the back of a Ford Ranger pickup. In the parking lot of Hardee’s. Score!

  25. On June 11th, 2010 at 1:53 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    #4, yes definitely #4. Only it’s less of a posse and more like a small grouping. But what to call them. Merry Band of Prankster? That’s Aunt Becky’s. Little Monsters? That’s Lady Gaga’s. Disciples? Those belong to Jesus M. Christ. Now I’m going to have to think of something. Dammit.

  26. On June 11th, 2010 at 2:49 pm Rebecca Says:

    “Clarify that you would gladly write about vodka if only vodka weren’t such a colossal asshole to you that one time in college.”…made me nod because I remember that day all too well….too well. It was bad.

    I’m random about cleaning today…I’ve started on laundry, started on dishes, started on washing the kitchen floor, started on cleaning the showers……..But not finishing a darn thing. I’ll do that once the kids go to sleep

  27. On June 11th, 2010 at 2:01 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Can I write one of these about goats?

  28. On June 11th, 2010 at 2:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  29. On June 11th, 2010 at 4:02 pm jessiee Says:

    I don’t know. Goats are creepy.

  30. On June 11th, 2010 at 4:03 pm jessiee Says:

    I don’t know about the goats. Goats are creepy.

  31. On June 11th, 2010 at 3:05 pm Mandy Says:

    Dude! Vodka is my HOMEGIRL!! Ever since Jack and I ended things all those years ago, Vodka has been MY co-pilot!! Sure, she says some cray-zay shiz sometimes, but who doesn’t?

  32. On June 11th, 2010 at 3:30 pm Molly Says:


    I think I just peed in my pants a little.

    Okay, not think. Did.

    Today I’m random about my hair. After months of hemming and hawing, I’m going to walk into a salon and just be all, “You there. You got scissors? Trim me.”

  33. On June 11th, 2010 at 3:51 pm mrs ellenoy Says:

    Vodka and are are friendly, but I like to Get Down with the imported beer and the wine. Those are my homies. Mixing drinks is too much damn work – give me my churchkey or my corkscrew, hand me the glass, and it’s a good day.

  34. On June 11th, 2010 at 4:31 pm Inna Says:

    I’d love to follow Becky around while playing the flute and drinking wine. Wait, can I even do those at the same time???

  35. On June 11th, 2010 at 4:36 pm Gunfighter Says:

    Random my ass! I am very focused today.

    Focused on precision marksmanship with my M-4 rifle. Focused on not crashing my G-ride on the B-W parkway (that’s Baltimore-Washington). Focused on skivving off from work 20 minutes early. Focused on taking a nap after I post this, Focused on having Aunt Becky guest post at my blog. Focused on Aunt Becky askng me to post on her blog, which is total witshful thinking, because, like that shit ain’t happening, yo (I said yo, everyone laugh). Focused on having to go to WalMart for “paper products”, and looking forward to seeing what kind of weirdos and oddballs I will see there.

    See that? totally focused heere, Comrade Becky. Not a random thought in my head today… even though I am giving just a wee bit of energy into thinking about using the aforementioned M-4 to kill the driver of that bloody awful ice cream truck on my block whose truck is playing that goddamned “Turkey in The Straw” song over and over.

  36. On June 11th, 2010 at 5:31 pm NotJustAnotherJen Says:

    Have you been drinking already today?

  37. On June 11th, 2010 at 6:19 pm Chickensconsigliere Says:

    How refreshing! I know Vodka and yeah, total bitch. She has a friend named Chardonnay who has pulled similar pranks on me. Not really funny. Yo.

  38. On June 11th, 2010 at 6:50 pm Vodka Says:


    As usual, you are hurling accusations at perfectly innocent people…er…beverages whose only desire is to help others. Clearly you have paranoid delusions of Oedipal reaction formations. I TA’d an intro psych class so I know whereof I speak.


  39. On June 11th, 2010 at 9:15 pm ABDPBT Says:

    Best. Reply. Ever. Vodka.

  40. On June 11th, 2010 at 8:05 pm Angela Says:

    I have had my share of trials & tribulations with Vodka as well. But try as I might, I simply can’t walk away…her wit and singing voice are at times, unfallible. The shitkicking that follows the next day, hwowever, is not. sigh.

  41. On June 11th, 2010 at 8:20 pm katrina Says:

    i love a woman with lists….especially one so randomly sequential!

  42. On June 11th, 2010 at 8:26 pm Becca Says:

    Awww, Anna!! I love your blog, I’m so glad you guest posted for mah Aunt Becky!! 🙂

  43. On June 11th, 2010 at 10:33 pm Kristin Says:

    I love randomness and you do it with such style.

  44. On June 12th, 2010 at 12:19 am poosemommy Says:

    I lurves me wodkas. Gotta watch that Cap’n Morgan feller tho! I start singing about Brave Sir Robin!
    Today I’m random about crazy people calling the locals and crying because they think the police are looking for them and they are going to jail. Also people who assault others then run away leaving a trail of clothing. I can write the BOLO myself: look for the wigged-out naked tweaker. Also Cheetos and Reese’s Pieces and Mountain Dew. Together.
    See? Totes random in my little world.

  45. On June 12th, 2010 at 1:04 am Dawn @WATNB? Says:

    Vodka is my bestie!!
    I mean… she will take me out on the town and insist I do crazy sh*t and because I love her so, I will do that crazy sh*t. I dance a little wobblier and sing a little louder. But does Vodka care?? Heck, no! She says, “Bring it!” THAT is why I love Vodka so!!!

  46. On June 12th, 2010 at 1:08 am Dawn @WATNB? Says:

    I have to tell you…
    I came from SoccerMom’s page because I thought WHAT THE HOLY HELL KIND OF FREAKISHLY LONG blog post name is that??? That I just had to pop over and check it out! LOL

  47. On June 12th, 2010 at 2:51 am Alexandra Says:

    I feel like starting a second blog. One I’ll do at night: just drinking and blogging and no friends chanting “friends don’t let friends blog drunk” can stop me….

  48. On June 12th, 2010 at 7:28 am Julia Says:

    Vodka taught me Russian. Once I’d learned it I dropped him cold – too intense for me. Picked up with white wine for a while to learn French but it wasn’t the same.

  49. On June 12th, 2010 at 9:57 am Susan Petersen Says:

    aunt becky,
    i come from a long line of bourbon drinkers…just another thing that leads me to believe we will get along splendidly at the family reunion:)

    not being reared on vodka has led to just a couple of minor incidents, where, luckily, no incarceration was necessary. in my defense, there was music playing and i kept all my clothes on. plus, i’m a lover, not a fighter…my prankster antics were all in good fun. my ban from this establishment has only recently been lifted…so what do you think…should i live on the edge and order a vodka tonight?

  50. On June 12th, 2010 at 10:59 am Kate Says:

    Randomness: you has it.

  51. On June 13th, 2010 at 6:41 am cakemix Says:

    unfortunately when i was in a cheatin’ mood this last week – the only thing in my house was a scary bottle of balinese rice wine…even on ice it tasted like 5 day old chinese leftovers scraped from the bottom of the bowl and covered in soy sauce – and not the good kinda soy sauce, like but like that stuff you get in the plastic sachets.

    someone please bring me a nice bottle of bison grass vodka stat!

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