Mommy Wants Vodka

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Things I’ve Never Thought While On The Facebook


1) Oh PHEW! I’m relieved to note the chain email has not, in fact, died. How ELSE would I get those spangly angels praying at me?

2) Thank GOD The Facebook warned me about that crazed drug addict sticking needles under the gas pump to infect people with AIDS! I thought he disappeared back in the 90’s when those chain email forwards died off, but you know, I guess he’s back! Thanks, The Facebook!

3) “Hey, what ANGEL/Flavor of Coffee/Penis Size am I?”

4) You’re right. I do want a pink cow for my fake farm!

5) I should really email blast all my friends, asking them to vote for me. They’ll appreciate that.

6) Wow. This is great. So happy that I got tagged in THE WORST picture of me EVER. Now people are asking me if I have a penis. Isn’t that funny?

7) Phew. I’m so glad that The Facebook is trying to kill off blogging.

8 ) Did you know that breast cancer is caused by dioxins* in my water bottles? Because it totally is. The Facebook Said So. The internet NEVER lies.

9) I love logging into to a separate email so I can respond to my Facebook email that’s probably monitored by Mark Zuckerberg. It makes it so much less confusing to have 37 separate email addresses.

10) Oh now THAT’S HILARIOUS. Look, all the girls are posting their BRA color/where there purse is (none and I have no fucking clue) to make the boys think about The Sex! I should play along.

*plastics do not contain dioxins, no matter what that pinhead Sheryl Crow says.

Things I Have Thought While On The Facebook:


48 Comments to

“Things I’ve Never Thought While On The Facebook”

  1. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:25 am Sarah Says:

    I literally JUST got an e-mail forward from my crazy aunt about the plastic bottle = cancer thing yesterday.

    It’s on the Internet, so it MUST be true!

  2. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:27 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Duh. It’s totally true.

  3. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:58 am Spikiecat Says:

    Yes, and for goodness sake, do not, I repeat, DO NOT microwave with plastic containers or clear wrap! Phew, I am SO glad we have that all cleared up…

  4. On July 1st, 2011 at 11:24 am The Mommy Says:

    Actually, I can verify that one – as a former chemist there is shit that comes out of plastics that you just don’t won’t to know about – especially when you heat it and piss it off…

  5. On July 1st, 2011 at 12:37 pm blacklisted Says:

    Shit, that’s the one that comes between aluminum and phosphorus, right?

  6. On July 1st, 2011 at 4:28 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    DUDE. NO. FUCK. Scary prions!

  7. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:30 am wtfinmontana Says:

    Hee Hee Hee! I have been thinking about how bad I hate The Facebook. Mostly because I refuse to write fun comments with the word Fuck in them because my grandma and my husband’s classy Tia would be disappointed.

  8. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:32 am John M Says:

    Tom was stalking me for a long time. Now I am lonely and I miss him…

    Wait, WHAT?

    No, I don’t. Pass the bottle!

  9. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:37 am Jenni Chiu Says:

    I also so LOVE getting invited to a thousand events that are halfway across the country and hosted by people I forgot I knew. That’s the best!

  10. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:37 am cynthia Says:

    and thank god you posted this ON the Facebook, cuz i have the day off and i generally read blogs AT work so i might have missed this! ๐Ÿ™‚ you rock

  11. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:57 am Heather Says:

    I HATE the vote for me please messages. I have one friend that is always entering her kids in contests and then posting at least once or twice a day about how we should go vote for them.

  12. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:58 am Bonnie Harris Says:

    LOVE IT!!

    I think the dioxin thing got accelerated by the news that BPA is released from some plastics after cooling and heating..and THAT is the bad thing. Poor Sheryl she should stick to music I agree.

  13. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:59 am Cindy Says:

    Why does everyone censor themselves on The Facebook? I see lots of sh*t and f*uck. Who gives a shit if you friended your Grandma and want to sound prim and proper- pretty sure she’s heard you swear before- probably in front of your children. I am proud to use colorful language in my status updates and you should too! Fuckin’ stupidheads. Be yourself sisters, if they don’t like it they can. . .

  14. On July 1st, 2011 at 4:27 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Fuck. Shit. Goddammit. Better?

  15. On July 1st, 2011 at 10:59 am Penbleth Says:

    Come one now, you know the Facebook is the answer to all the world’s woes and the cure for sanity.

  16. On July 1st, 2011 at 11:02 am IASoupMama Says:

    I have only once violated the Genteel facebook User’s Code of Honor. I did ask for people to vote for me ol’ blog. But not daily. And I did win the contest (Scholastic Parent and Child’s Best Humor Blog 2010). Neener, neener, neener…

  17. On July 1st, 2011 at 11:04 am Tershbango Says:

    I quite enjoy the people who feel the need to post every bit of dirty laundry on Facebook.

    Er…wait…I guess that’s what I do in my blog. ๐Ÿ™

  18. On July 1st, 2011 at 4:27 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I prefer to do it on my blog. HOWEVER, not EVERYONE likes to do it there. Sometimes, it’s better to comment (hatefully) on my wall. For ALL to see!

    (thanks, my brother)

  19. On July 1st, 2011 at 11:06 am Brandon Says:

    Sometimes you can use the powers of The Facebook for good and not evil… or sometimes you can do both as seen by Fun With Facebook.

    Oh, and good news! The Facebook will soon be obsolete, thanks to Google+! Blogger, social media, search engines, browsers, cell phones, what’s next?? I can’t wait for my google car! (coming in 2016, in CHROME of course…)

  20. On July 1st, 2011 at 11:13 am Her from @6degreeslove Says:

    And where would we be without having seen those pictures of that one person you don’t really know and their cats? Love cat pictures. They are the BEST.

  21. On July 1st, 2011 at 11:35 am Joker_SATX Says:

    Well, not to complicate matters but Google has thrown it’s hat in the ring with Google+. I am testing it right now. Do you want me to send you an invite?

  22. On July 1st, 2011 at 11:41 am Her from @6degreeslove Says:

    Send me one!

  23. On July 1st, 2011 at 4:26 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Can you send it to plz?

  24. On July 1st, 2011 at 12:14 pm Jack Adams Says:

    Ummm… But without The Facebook, how will I get updates from my favorite products and brands like Target and Charmin?

  25. On July 2nd, 2011 at 11:41 am badbadwebbis Says:

    Why, simply follow them on Twitter and they can run all of the tweets you REALLY want to read right off the page! because itโ€™s important to know that Target wants you to have a safe and festive 4th of Julyโ€ฆ

  26. On July 1st, 2011 at 12:24 pm rachel Says:

    I love facebook. I hate fake farms. Did you know that you can “hide” certain apps on facebook (or better yet, certain PEOPLE?)…so that their crap I mean, posts won’t show up on your wall or news feed or whatever it’s called.

  27. On July 1st, 2011 at 12:53 pm Issa Says:

    I’d like to add: I wonder which of my “friends” like water. Or diapers. Or Old Navy.

    I am not a fan of the facebook.

  28. On July 1st, 2011 at 2:03 pm me Says:

    I have to admit that I do love FB and I have been guilty of a couple of those things mentioned, but not all of them. Do I get points for that? *grins*

  29. On July 1st, 2011 at 2:15 pm Catherine@happinesssafterheartache Says:

    All of these are reasons that I am afraid of The Facebook. ๐Ÿ™‚

  30. On July 1st, 2011 at 2:15 pm Momma Teacher Lady Says:

    If I have to read about one more “Second Grade Graduation,” one more wedding countdown, or one more announcement of someone’s bazillionth child with the fifth father, I might freak out. Drama, drama, drama. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Hide, hide, UNFRIEND.

  31. On July 1st, 2011 at 2:55 pm Westcoast Weirdo Says:

    Did you see that The Google is almost up with their own version of FB??? Gah!

  32. On July 1st, 2011 at 3:50 pm Kelly Says:

    You’ve forgotten to add in the FWD: FWD: emails, the bad luck if you don’t forward this on to eighty of your closest friends in 2.45678 seconds.

    Don’t get the bad lucks!

    You probably just delete them don’t you?

    I’ll forward you one…I’m sure that I’ve got one in my inbox somewhere from somebody…

  33. On July 1st, 2011 at 7:08 pm Heather Meyers Says:

    I really really hate those repost if you agrees messages.

    “I know you’re not going to tell all of your friends that you hate cancer, cuz you’re a fucking jerk. Just like all the other god hating welfare losers taking up all a my hard earned tax money!”

  34. On July 1st, 2011 at 8:51 pm Sarah P Says:


  35. On July 2nd, 2011 at 12:59 am Nico Says:

    Oh, I can’t write a sentence on Facebook without silently (but violently) thanking Mark Fuckerberg for that fact that every third word I type flips a pop-up in my face nagging me to tag a friend whose name somewhat resembles the word I’m using.

    Who knew it could be so fun to never be able to write “There” without Facebook INSISTING I tag my friend Theresa. Theresa wants to see what I wrote! She does!

    Then there’s the really fun aspect of friend tagging: the accidental, didn’t-know-I-tagged-ya-cuz-I-was-just-fucking-typing-for-chrissakes tag. That dazzling moment when you realize you’ve tagged a random old high school classmate you never really spoke or speak to (and have no reason to) named James, because you were typing too quickly to your actual friend James, and Facebook knew life would be WAY more fun if that dude you always thought needed to use a q-tip was alerted to your conversation about a dog turd you found in a cabinet.

    Facebook knows best, amirite?

  36. On July 2nd, 2011 at 1:22 am jess Says:

    When I go to Facebook, it’s to laugh at the “emo” lyrics my fellow acne factories post for statuses.

    Or like, stalk a random hot guy and use his profile picture as an…um, sex aid.

    Facebook is ALMOST like online shopping for a new boyfriend or personal sex toy.

  37. On July 2nd, 2011 at 11:10 am wtfinmontana Says:

    This stuff all made me laugh so hard!!! I have to share it on The Facebook now. But I have to say, although this stuff is all funny and I know people who do it, I still love them or they wouldn’t be my facebook “friend”.

  38. On July 2nd, 2011 at 11:39 am badbadwebbis Says:

    Why, simply follow them on Twitter and they can run all of the tweets you REALLY want to read right off the page! because it’s important to know that Target wants you to have a safe and festive 4th of July…

  39. On July 2nd, 2011 at 11:40 am badbadwebbis Says:

    That was supposed to be a reply to Jack Adams. Stinky reply thingy.

  40. On July 2nd, 2011 at 2:26 pm Tracy Says:

    I got so mad about the purse game, because everyone said in the PRIVATE messages, that it was to promote breast cancer awareness. However, NO ONE said anything publicly about it. So what did I do? I made a post that basically said, hey, instead of talking about purses, let’s do a self-check, maybe drive a friend to a mammogram, call our mom and remind her to self-check or go get a mammogram. And people got mad at me. Said I wasn’t fun.

  41. On July 10th, 2011 at 3:38 am MissHannah Says:

    i did that as well. And I also got told off!

  42. On July 2nd, 2011 at 3:43 pm Mwa (Lost in Translation) Says:

    I’ve also never thought “Thank you for having a private fight between lovers on Facebook, and now letting me see all the making up as well.”

  43. On July 2nd, 2011 at 8:30 pm Sarah Says:

    Has any one else been getting a warning when they click a link to a page outside of Facebook. Irritating and I can’t hide, block or unfriend it.
    But I won’t quit. who would I talk to all day? My kids? Ha!

  44. On July 3rd, 2011 at 11:19 pm Val Payne Says:

    I love my pink cow infested fake farm.

  45. On July 4th, 2011 at 7:46 am liz Says:


  46. On July 4th, 2011 at 6:41 pm Julia @ Boredom Abounds Says:

    Oh, Tom from MySpace really *was* everyone’s friend, wasn’t he?

  47. On July 4th, 2011 at 7:41 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. I just miss Tom. A LOT.

  48. On July 5th, 2011 at 9:01 am Marta Says:

    I’m totally with you on the separate email addresses thing and now they’ve changed it and made it even more like email. Its also annoying that while I get the message notification in my gmail I have to go to the facebook to respond all in the name of Mark Zuckerberg!

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