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Things I’d Rather Be Doing Than Potty Training


0) Rebranding myself a “social media maven.”

1) Listening to John C. Mayer croon about my body being a wonderland.

1) Decoding passive aggressive Facebook status updates into anagrams about zombies.

2) Finding that bitch Carmen Sandiego.

3) Eating mayonnaise by the spoonful.

5) Trying to figure out why my phones have been tapped.

8) Blogging about my fake dead cat Mr. Sprinkles.

13) Watching a cooking show without rolling my eyes and/or trying to poke out my eyeballs with a spoon.

21) Understanding the origins of the word “teh.”

34) Bathing a light socket with my tongue.

55) Retaking Calc 3.

89) Trying to figure out Pinterest and StumbleUpon

144) Delivering a baby in the back of a moving taxi (or city bus) using only a 12×14 box, a blue felt-tipped pen, and a strawberry Starburst.

233) Dressing in a giant squirrel costume, occasionally throwing myself into the road to signify “roadkill” or “the denigration of society and it’s inhumane treatment of roadkill.”

377) Traveling from office to office delivering singing telegrams to unwitting executives.

610) Becoming an interpretive dancer. See also, “SOMEONE DO A DANCE AS A SALAD! QUICK! YOU’RE THE LETTUCE. NOW YOU’RE THE TOMATO!”

987) Rewatching Season Three of Glee: Who Gives A Shit About Plot? LET’S DANCE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

1597) Listening to anything ever produced by Katy Perry and/or Avril Lavigne.

So what’s new with YOU, Pranksters? TELL ME ALL THE THINGS!

22 Comments to

“Things I’d Rather Be Doing Than Potty Training”

  1. On May 30th, 2012 at 12:04 pm Heather Says:

    Haven’t you learned to use the toilet yet? Tsk, tsk.

  2. On May 30th, 2012 at 12:16 pm Jenn Says:

    I know! I right behind you. My son thinks the potty is a swirling vortex of doom. I think he may be in diapers in college. *SIGH*

  3. On May 30th, 2012 at 12:35 pm joel Says:

    the twins are fucking killing me on the potty bullshit. when one goes, the other wants to go. when one gets done, the other says she or he is done, then they continue to shit in their pants and due to pure exhaustion we allow it and just hose them off. I can’t wait to never talk about this shit ever again. But I also can’t wait till I can stop saying “get your finger out of your ass”/

  4. On May 30th, 2012 at 12:39 pm Jessica Jo Says:

    10 to 1 that bitch Carmen is holed up somewhere with Waldo….or maybe Carmen IS Waldo which is why you can never find either of them!

  5. On May 30th, 2012 at 12:43 pm thepsychobabble Says:

    Even as a mayonnaise eater, I gagged at the idea of “by the spoonful”

  6. On May 30th, 2012 at 12:50 pm CycleNinja Says:

    Doing a thesis on Justin Bieber’s music.

  7. On May 30th, 2012 at 12:52 pm Rebecca Says:

    Really, mayonnaise by the spoonful? You had to go there? I damn near threw the fuck up all over my desk when I read that.

    But, yes, potty training does suck. I’m not quite sure why it’s so damn hard to understand?

  8. On May 30th, 2012 at 1:01 pm Headstrong Damsel Says:

    Ahhh, potty training. One of the many many things I thought I would never have to deal with by not having kids. And yet, I fell for a guy who has 3, and am a stepmom, dealing with the potty training.

    Just the other day the little angel fell asleep on my lap, without her usual naptime pullups. I actually had to decide whether I preferred to transfer her to the bed where she could possibly pee there, or keep her on me and have her possibly pee on me.

  9. On May 30th, 2012 at 1:20 pm justkeepinitrealfolks Says:

    Girl, I had to go to a damn shrink with my 2nd son over potty training. For real!!!! That kid put me over the edge.

  10. On May 30th, 2012 at 1:25 pm amy Says:

    Mayo by the spoonful reminds me of SwedishMealTime, you gotta see it.
    They are hilarious!
    I don’t miss potty ‘training’ (torture) one bit.

  11. On May 30th, 2012 at 2:42 pm Grace Says:

    #233 made me giggle a little too much.

    I have to do a bunch of paperwork today, and I really don’t want to. What would I rather be doing? Looking at the house I want to move into NOW NOW NOW! Someone please tell me where those stupid missing 7 pages that I need are hiding!

    I’m going to lose my mind.

  12. On May 30th, 2012 at 3:04 pm Gwen Says:

    My son was actually easy to potty train. You may all hate me now 🙂

  13. On May 30th, 2012 at 3:21 pm Christene Says:

    Potty training… I am not sure which one of us is worse at it…. me, or my two year old… She can’t figure out how to do it… and I can’t figure out how to get her to do it….

  14. On May 30th, 2012 at 3:40 pm Says:

    I thought I had it sussed until four weeks ago, when suddenly we rolled all the way down hill to the bottom, then below ground until we reached the depths of hell, where I am once again having to change poopy nappies. What would I rather be doing than potty training? ANYTHING!!!!

  15. On May 30th, 2012 at 7:32 pm Melissa Says:

    I also want to know how teh became popular. Or is it that so many people that cant spell it?

  16. On May 31st, 2012 at 12:52 am Amelia Says:

    Mmmmmm…..strawberry starburst……

  17. On May 31st, 2012 at 5:54 am Jolie Says:

    #233 is awesome. Make sure you call me to come see it in person. 🙂

  18. On May 31st, 2012 at 8:43 am Dr. Cynicism Says:

    Regarding #144, you’d be like the McGyver of birthing! Best of luck potty training.

  19. On May 31st, 2012 at 10:21 am Heather Says:

    I’m there with you. Our twin boys are three years old and have no interest in the potty. We just moved them out of their cribs, so i’m thinking a month from now we’ll try potty training again. I’m hoping they are done by September as they are supposed to be going to preschool. Ugh!

  20. On May 31st, 2012 at 10:26 am Marta Says:

    If you’re doing singing telegrams I would really appreciate one at my office. The VPs on vacation and we needed to live it up a little while we can!

  21. On May 31st, 2012 at 11:06 am chrisinphx Says:

    Thank you for reminding me again why I enjoy not having my own kids.

  22. On June 1st, 2012 at 11:57 am Mrs. One Day Says:

    Is it weird that I really do want to do singing telegrams and also perform in a Murder Mystery Dinner and/or weekend as the Southern belle who has had 5 husbands die under mysterious circumstances?

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