Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Their Therapy Bills Just Multiplied


Now, although I’ve been a mother for nearly 7 years (holy shit) I’m completely clueless about this whole “toddler-thing.” As previous exhaustibly documented, Ben was a pretty odd duck when it came to toddler-dom, so I can’t use my vast knowledge of how to treat BEN as a toddler on Alex. It just wouldn’t apply.

So this whole mimicking what I say stuff that toddlers apparently do is totally foreign to me, but is making me rethink taping my damn mouth shut for the next 4 or 5 years (somewhere Dave is frantically nodding his head “yes”) so as not to teach my kid more stuff he doesn’t need to learn yet.

Just so you know, I’m that freak-a-leak at the store that holds a one sided conversation with the baby, not because I really can’t shut up for that long (okay, maybe that’s part of it) but because it was one of those things that we were taught to do to teach Ben to speak. This means that although Alex’s issues are not the same as Ben’s, I still have it engrained in my mind to obsessively explain to Alex whatever it is that I’m doing at any given time.

I probably look insane, but I really don’t care.

But this is how I taught Alex to say “penis.”

In my house we have “penises” and “vaginas” and “uteruses,” but we also take dumps, lest you worry that I passed on my parents insistence that we call taking a dump a “bowel movement” and in the past tense a “defecation,” or the ever-popular “urinating.” I did, however, have to stop myself from calling testicles “balls” when explaining it to Ben. I guess that’s just what I think that those dangly sacs SHOULD be called.

So during diaper changes, Alex would grab his penis, giggle and I’d say “That’s your penis, Alex.” And he’d squeeze it and poke it and laugh (just like a real man) and I would repeat myself. Rather than learn “that” “your” or “Alex” he picked up the most hilarious of them all: penis.

Last night, we threw the kids in the bathtub together and they had a blast, splashing the shit out of me, playing with each other and generally being mischevious. Once Alex realized that his weenier was out of it’s diaper, he became very, very excited and began delicately poking it with one finger:

“Penis,” he’d say happily.

“Yes, Alex. Penis,” we’d all echo.

“Penis!” he’d say.

“I have a penis, too!” Ben told his brother. “And so does Daddy! But Mommy doesn’t.”

“You’re right Ben, I don’t have a penis.” I choked out between laughs.

“Mommy has a uterus. See?” he gestured to my left boob. “It’s right there.”

If you look closely, you can see the water droplets making a shadow on his back. It’s really, really weird.

Trying (and succeeding) in soaking me.

posted under The Sausage Factory
32 Comments to

“Their Therapy Bills Just Multiplied”

  1. On May 2nd, 2008 at 10:11 am Heather P. Says:

    Aren’t they just precious!
    Even if you did get soaked.

  2. On May 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 am shay Says:

    HA HA!
    After my two boys I had a girl and she wanted to know when she got her penis lol. Explain that one!

    She was VERY disappointed to hear that she would never get one!

    Oh and they are darling, your boys!
    I always see baths as a way to clean the bathroom floor, I mean why waste all that water!

  3. On May 2nd, 2008 at 11:00 am Lainey-Paney Says:

    Gage is 2 & is pretty obsessed with the fact that I don’t have a penis too.
    In fact, we’ve had a conversation about like this…

    “where’s your penis?”
    “I just don’t have one.”
    “you lost it?”
    “no, I never had one. boys have a penis and girls do not.”
    “you put it in the ‘cycle bin?” (as if I’d recycle a penis…no, it’s reduce, REUSE, and recycle…)

  4. On May 2nd, 2008 at 11:02 am Vered - MomGrind Says:

    OMG, you are so funny.

    @ shay: I always wondered about that “penis envy” thing. I don’t recall ever experiencing that. I have two girls, 6 and 8, and although we did discuss boys and girls being different, they don’t seem to be bothered by their lack of penis.

    I wonder how much Google traffic you are going to get out of a post like this, and how many of those will be terribly disappointed once they reach your site and find out it’s a mommyblog (you won’t be offended if I call you a mommyblogger, right?) rather than a porn site.

  5. On May 2nd, 2008 at 11:12 am KC Says:

    What a coincidence – my uterus is in my left boob too!

    I love your kids.

  6. On May 2nd, 2008 at 11:26 am Kyddryn Says:

    They’re terrific!

    One of the first words the Evil Genius learned to say was “boobies!”…thanks, daddy. Oh…and “crap!”.

    We’re not into dancing around the real thing with euphemisms in this house, either…he knows his parts, and girl parts, and what they’re for…and if he wants to touch himself, he knows he has to go to his room to do it.

    He was so disappointed to learn he wouldn’t get any boobies without surgical intervention.

    They’re born with their favorite plaything already attached, aren’t they??

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  7. On May 2nd, 2008 at 11:38 am Cassie Says:

    LOL! I didn’t know your uterus was in your boob!

    “And he’d squeeze it and poke it and laugh (just like a real man)”

    Ain’t that the truth!!

  8. On May 2nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm Chris Says:

    LMAO…Got my Friday fix again Aunt Becky. I was just thinking about this issue because with our children we’ve always taught them the Filipino baby slangs for Penis and Vagina. It actually is pretty funny when they run around the house saying it. Of course now that they are all grown, except the 3 year old, they pretty much say it just to get in each other’s nerves.

    Now I need to find a way to get CJ from pointing at his mothers boobs and saying, “that’s mine” because he heard Daddy say it once…LOL

  9. On May 2nd, 2008 at 12:16 pm The Milk Maid Says:

    Hahahahaaaa! I keep hearing Arhnold saying “it’s not a toomah”. That’s how my mind works I guess!

  10. On May 2nd, 2008 at 12:17 pm becky Says:

    Holy smokes they’re adorable!!! I really like Ben’s hair, by the way – I’m glad you let him do it.

  11. On May 2nd, 2008 at 12:47 pm heather Says:

    How is that they always, always, always, repeat the ONE word in an entire conversation that you don’t want them to pick out?

  12. On May 2nd, 2008 at 12:51 pm Ahuva Batya Says:

    They are so adorable. The misplaced anatomy is hilarious!

  13. On May 2nd, 2008 at 1:06 pm Dr. Grumbles Says:

    The uterus is THERE? I am glad your son is spreading the truth so others can learn!

  14. On May 2nd, 2008 at 1:10 pm Rayne of Terror Says:

    I talk to myself all the time. I don’t know why, but it’s especially prominent at the grocery store. It’s a running commentary like, hmm.. brocolli, do we need brocolli? The last head I bough molded before we ate it, better get frozen instead. hmm.. lettuce, we still have half a head, maybe I’ll skip it this week. MUST remember cilantro, must remember cilantro. I loved having a baby in the carseat to talk to at the grocery store so I didn’t look so, um, crazee.

  15. On May 2nd, 2008 at 1:10 pm b Says:

    If your left boob is your uterus..what is your other boob? Please don’t say vagina!

  16. On May 2nd, 2008 at 2:27 pm DOC Says:

    I wonder if he is going to grow up to be an ass man or a uterus man ??

  17. On May 2nd, 2008 at 2:31 pm tash Says:

    Hi-larious. And that explains a lot of my problems, acutally.

    Oh, and I’m one of those freak-a-deaks who spoke incessantly to her baby. Beat talking to myself.

  18. On May 2nd, 2008 at 2:53 pm Sarah Ross Says:

    I do the same – penis & vagina, but also poop. I can’t even say urinate with a straight face, so I don’t expect a 3 year old to do it.

    After we had the penis/vagina talk, Josh said “And thank you for mama’s vagina” in his prayers every night. I realize it played a vital role in his being here, but I don’t think we need to pray about it!

  19. On May 2nd, 2008 at 2:59 pm electriclady Says:

    Yes, repetition is how my baby learned “shit!” Happily, we were able to morph that into “sit” (as in sit down), and also happily, she forgot how to say “fuck!” as quickly as she picked it up.

  20. On May 2nd, 2008 at 3:29 pm Five Husbands Says:

    Sigh, made me want to get out the baby pictures but the mocking I am forced to endure while I coo about how cute they were robs me of any joy.

    Enjoy this phase while you can – the time will come when you will be picking up their wet towels off the floor and picking up their laundry with a very long stick. That is if you have boys who like to bathe – there are those who eschew cleanliness.

    Just sayin’.

  21. On May 2nd, 2008 at 3:50 pm Heather Says:

    Very, very cute. We are fans of tag team bathing around here as well. When my boy first checked out the new girl during her diaper change, he asked if hers was broken.

  22. On May 2nd, 2008 at 4:08 pm Bob Cleveland Says:

    it always bothered me enormously that, whereas we have feces and urine, in the one case we DEfecate, but in the other, we URINEate. Shouldn’t it be DEurinate, or maybe FECate?

    A little consistency, please?

  23. On May 2nd, 2008 at 5:27 pm Ames Says:

    Gracie hasn’t picked up too many bad words yet. She did say “fuck” once, but we ignored it and she hasn’t said it since.

    By the way, I’m one of those crazy people who has one way conversations with their baby too…and that’s ok with me. Maybe that’s why Gracie has such a large vocabulary?

  24. On May 2nd, 2008 at 5:31 pm baseballmom Says:

    We are rife with talk of weiners and nutsacks around here…since we have only boys. Also boobs. They know the real words, but hey, whatever. Me and the dog and the bird are outnumbered by BOYS. Good thing I have a sense of humor!

  25. On May 2nd, 2008 at 9:01 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    I’m one of those “Freaky-deaky” mommies too! Only we call it, “play-by-play,” around here . ..

    The only problem is, I think I’ve taught my three year old how to do play-by-play .. .

    The kid NEVER shuts up!!

  26. On May 2nd, 2008 at 9:39 pm Jenn Says:

    Oh my god! We use “penis” and “vagina” and all those other great words here too, hehe. Although I do have a fondness for the word urinate… anyway.

    This reminds me of when my son was about 18 months – we were at my in-laws’ house (they are VERY proper devout Catholics, haha) and Monkey starts running around saying, “I have a peeeeeeeeeenis! It’s a peeeeeenis, Grammie!” Hahahaha, she turned SO red and I had to leave the room because I couldn’t control my laughter.

    And just a few days ago he asked me, “So. If you don’t have a penis just how DO you pee anyway?” Aaah, the joy of being a parent.

  27. On May 2nd, 2008 at 9:40 pm Jenn Says:

    Oh yeah, I meant to tell you. If you want to swap kids for a couple of days (or weeks!) I’m all for it. Maybe you can teach my daughter how to be a girl or something. 🙂

  28. On May 2nd, 2008 at 11:21 pm MadWoman Meg Says:

    My daughter used to call Hotty Hubby’s penis a “tail”. I thought it was funny til she started telling other people about it and they looked confused. So rather than translate forever, I thought I’d just teach her the right words. Penis, Vulva and Breasts are now words that have forever permeated the vocabulary of my children.

  29. On May 3rd, 2008 at 10:42 am honeywine Says:

    Hey, you were warned missy! I’ll tell you what I told Rachel, “It’s all shits and giggles until they start screaming it up and down the aisles of the grocery store!” That will be me ducking when I see all the penises coming.

  30. On May 3rd, 2008 at 12:09 pm Cassie Says:

    I tagged you in my latest blog–6 Random Things about yourself. 🙂

  31. On May 3rd, 2008 at 1:09 pm pamajama Says:

    I think it’s great that he already knows his best friend’s name! Once this dumb girl doctor — she was really a middle-aged woman — said to my son, “Okay, let me see your little pecker.” I was like WTF???

  32. On May 3rd, 2008 at 1:38 pm feener Says:

    hysterical….love your header…that photos is great, did you do that ??

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