Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Wedding I Almost Had


This is part of the list–by no means exhaustive–of things I was NOT allowed to do for the wedding (primarily because Dave is ‘œboring’ and for some reason thinks that I’m ‘œbeing disrespectful to the institution of marriage’ or some shit. I wasn’t listening):

Wear half of a fat suit
Have the nuptials performed by Elvis
Sport black eyes
Dance our first song to ‘œYMCA’
Dance myself down the aisle to ‘œThat’s The Way (Uh-Huh) I Like It’

From this list, you are likely able to determine that I am not typically considered a ‘œwedding’ or a ‘œmarriage’ person. Growing up, in fact, you’d be more likely to find me playing ‘œCommando Doctor Becky, Zombie Hunter’ or teaching my cats to box than you would catch me planning for my future wedding. Never honestly thought (or cared much, really) that I’d be married. Like ever.

I found myself in the unique situation of planning a wedding I wasn’t too thrilled by (not the marriage, mind you, The Wedding).

Shortly after booking the venue, I was dragged into David’s Bridal with my best friend, maid of honor, who happens to have hottest beef curtains in the planets to make fun of the dresses. (let’s get this straight. I *love, love, love* clothes. I do not like white dresses. I have a child, which means I obviously was NOT A VIRGIN when I got married).

We made a beeline to the most hideous dresses we could find. My first choice was a long sleeved, high necked, 567 foot train monstrosity, straight out of a scary 70’s movie. My second (and only other choice) was a simple A-line, champagne trimmed dress. Fucking boring, really.

I sweated out about 32 gallons of water simply by looking at the first dress. It was lace covered, pearl encrusted, beaded, and weighed (I’m not kidding) at least 25 lbs. The sleeves alone were each larger than my head. While I struggled with the huge line of buttons in the back, Ashley went to find me the perfect shoes to go with them (clear plastic stripper heels), which she shoved under the door. Ensemble complete, I threw open the door and danced the Maniac for Ashley, who is rolling on the floor, and the distressed sales clerk, who is all but choking on her tongue as she sputtered ‘œDo you like dresses with sleeves?’ When I realized that the lace was of such poor quality that I immediately began to chafe and blister, I squeaked out ‘œI feel like a cupcake’ and ran back to the dressing room.

Here’s the boring part. I bought the second dress, thereby having to eat all of the snarky comments I had made while walking in. I won’t repeat them, for fear of the wrath. Suffice to say, I am an asshole. An asshole with a big mouth.

Who looked disgustingly like a bride.

27 Comments to

“The Wedding I Almost Had”

  1. On June 4th, 2008 at 10:28 am SciFi Dad Says:

    My wife asked me what I wanted her to wear for our wedding, and when I tried to explain that it didn’t matter to me, I gave her one word, figuring that would give her tons of freedom and get me off the hook. The one word? Timeless. As in, not something that would look dated in twenty years.

    Holy crap, you’d think I’d given her five pages of blueprints for a specific dress. She was so pissed at me.

    But it’s my fault, just like everything else, because I am a man and I tried to answer her question. I should have known better.

  2. On June 4th, 2008 at 10:30 am b Says:

    I wanted to walk down the aisle to Billy Idol’s White Wedding. Hey little sister, what have YOU done?

  3. On June 4th, 2008 at 10:46 am kc Says:

    You looked amazing at your wedding, and for hating weddings – yours was the most amazing I have seen or had the pleasure of being a part of. You are a Sexxy bitch and Daver is a lucky man.

    After I kill my ex – and serve time for murder, I plan to have a glorious wedding, myself. I will marry the man of my dreams (I will meet him through the letters he will send me whilst I rot in prison). He will be unemployed, of course, and we will live in a trailer park until we are evicted. Our wedding will take place at a local bar (the one with the best PBR special) and you will officiate. We won’t be able to pay you, of course, but you will be happy to do it. Ahh…I can’t wait.

    Maybe Ashley and her glorious beef curtains can make an appearance as well.

  4. On June 4th, 2008 at 11:12 am Karen Says:

    My friend Brian had is his first dance to “Shout” and my sister-in-law’s brother had “Lay Your Hands On Me” by Bon Jovi.

    I loved it.

    I will be eloping in Vegas by the way. Good times.

  5. On June 4th, 2008 at 12:03 pm Kristine Says:

    Of all the things I regret about my wedding, it was allowing my MIL to pick a song to dance with her son…worst song ever. It was high pitched and squeally and I wanted to kill her.

    We’ve had so many new songs come to us since then adn been like “dammit, that should have been our song.”

  6. On June 4th, 2008 at 12:20 pm Kristen Says:

    I bet your wedding was the best party around. I am totally a girly wedding girl and thankfully only had a month to plan mine so that it didn’t become some out of control monster. We had a blast, that’s what counts. I had a pink dress (I was 6 months preggo, so not a virgin either;)

  7. On June 4th, 2008 at 12:22 pm Gail Says:

    Becky, I think I do get to make fun of you for wearing such a traditional wedding dress while saying you’re not into traditional wedding stuff.

    After all, I wore a purple silk gown festooned with purple ostrich feathers and sequins. I got room to throw stones here. 🙂

  8. On June 4th, 2008 at 12:50 pm kbreints Says:

    Dan & I had to compromise. He wanted to have a “pot-luck” (not kidding) and I wanted to go “ALL OUT”– we ended up with a family only ceremony and an open house reception in our yard… it was actually PERFECT — all but the TERRIBLE wedding cake of course.

  9. On June 4th, 2008 at 12:52 pm Chris Says:

    Hey Aunt Becky,

    Forget blogging! I want to see a sitcom or a movie about your life!

  10. On June 4th, 2008 at 1:41 pm deb Says:

    LMAO!! You are certifiable. If I went that way I would have married you and let you wear/dance anything and anyway you want. You rock.

    Keep incubatin’ baby!

  11. On June 4th, 2008 at 2:43 pm AlmostMrsJoyner Says:

    Hey Aunt Becky..Hopefully you haven’t been tagged yet..But now you are being tagged, by me! Check out my blog for all the details

  12. On June 4th, 2008 at 2:45 pm Lindz Says:

    what the hell is up with you beckys? my best friend just bought her dress ON-LINE!! we didn’t get to go and even try them on and see her in it..that has just totally ruined a great part of what would be memories for me!! sickening.

  13. On June 4th, 2008 at 3:05 pm tash Says:

    I was also not a wedding person, remotely. And when someone asked me when I was 12 or so, what my dress would look like? It came so out of the blue — I had never in my life thought about it. So I did, and said “I’m going to wear blue.”

    And I did.

  14. On June 4th, 2008 at 3:19 pm MsPrufrock Says:

    Weddings, meh. Boring. I’ve never been one of those women either, thank christ. A few years ago my “boss” got engaged and was all excited about planning the wedding. She came to me all giddy and shit, and I shot her right down by saying I couldn’t care less about weddings. She left me alone after that.

    My mother in law did all the planning for my wedding. I was in the US, and she was in the UK where it was taking place, so it made sense. My mother in law and I do not have remotely the same taste AT ALL, but so minimal was my wedding-related concern that it made no difference.

  15. On June 4th, 2008 at 4:09 pm PiquantMolly Says:

    We’re keeping our wedding low-key. Bought the dress online, playing music from my mp3 player, 5 minute ceremony with no gods involved, etc.

    However, low key or not, I am not letting Brad and his attendants wear tuxedo t-shirts and mustaches, as they are currently planning to do.

  16. On June 4th, 2008 at 4:56 pm heather Says:

    My dream wedding was eloping to Vegas. My hubs, though, wanted a big wedding. What the fuck is wrong with that picture?

  17. On June 4th, 2008 at 6:06 pm Kyddryn Says:

    I got married in my Mum’s front yard by her judge friend, then had a potluck reception in a tent on another part of her yard. I wouldn’t have bothered, but T insisted.

    I wanted to wear blue jeans, or at least blue, but he only asked for two things to happen when we got married (besides the getting married part, ’cause I was OK with shacking up for the rest of our lives but he had this whole Southern “living in sin” vibe going on)(Hello? Pagan? Don’t believe in sin!)(Oh well) – he asked me to wear a white dress, and he asked for an armadillo shaped, red velvet groom’s cake.

    He got both – and the armadillo even looked like road kill, because I don’t do things by halves!

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K, who may never forgive T for asking her to look like the Sta-puffed man at her wedding

  18. On June 4th, 2008 at 7:56 pm Lola Says:

    I have a very big aversion to weddings, as well. We were together 13 years before we finally went through with it. We had a pig roast with a kickass alternative band in the back yard of our house, and my mother held HER wedding in the front yard under one of those extremely expensive tents with seriously fancy food for the relatives and her friends.

    It turned out to be incredible, though. The best part was watching the two crowds mix. Our party people went up to the fancy tent and ate the fancy food in their jeans and T-shirts, and then as the day went on, the relatives in their fancy clothes came out back and ate the porketta and rocked out. A good time was had by all!!

  19. On June 4th, 2008 at 8:49 pm Andie Says:

    Here from NCLM – I couldn’t help grinning at how vividly you describe the whole wedding thing here. I enjoy weddings of all kinds, as long as people are happy.

  20. On June 4th, 2008 at 8:58 pm magpie Says:

    Damn. Did someone take a picture?

    I wore a mishmosh of stuff from Eileen Fisher – my “matron of honor” (a good gay friend) and I went shopping one day – he flounced about until we found me something to wear.

  21. On June 4th, 2008 at 9:56 pm Heather Says:

    Eileen Fisher is the way to go.

    And, this begs the question … did you assist Ashley in wedding gown shopping? So what’s she wearing?

  22. On June 4th, 2008 at 10:29 pm Natalie Says:

    LMAO Oh I love reading your blog.

    My wedding made me insane. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

  23. On June 5th, 2008 at 7:09 am heather Says:

    I’m not the wedding type either. Until I was an adult and actually lived with someone other than a family member, I had myself convinced that IF I ever got married, I would still have my own bedroom. Neither of my weddings were much to speak of. The second one was better (of course) and we got married on some biker minister’s front porch, ate at Arby’s afterward and I spent the rest of the night making stuffing for Thanksgiving the next day. It was awesome.

  24. On June 5th, 2008 at 12:13 pm Amy Says:

    Been married once, enjoyed the small family wedding. This time around it will be VEGAS baby, vegas..or the court house in jeans and a t-shirt and then the local bar for a bud! Something very, very simple and fun!

  25. On June 5th, 2008 at 1:09 pm honeywine Says:

    I think my dress and M.’s Class A dress uniform were the only things I didn’t compromise on. I went with the ivory (c’mon I was 33 already!), but it was HUGE and beaded and did I mention HUGE! lol It was a seriously fancy dress, far too much for our little Courthouse lawn ceremony. But at least I got the one thing I wanted.

  26. On June 5th, 2008 at 9:00 pm Angela Says:

    I am totally living Wedding Hell right now. My parents are paying for it and so a small, civil ceremony at the courthouse was just absolutely OUT OF THE QUESTION. And I’m “ruining it for everyone” because I am “just not very excited about things”. SO MUCH MONEY is being wasted on ONE FREAKING DAY… I just can’t get excited about that. At least I like my fiance; otherwise, the whole thing would be a bust 😉

  27. On June 6th, 2008 at 7:38 am mandy Says:

    I had a 13 year old, so there was no way I could pull of white. I did get a bone colored mother-of-the -bride dress though, and loved it. I hate the white ones with puffy sleeves. Sorry you had to eat your words but HA, it’s funny.

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