Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Vagina Monologues


Last week, in a sea of what can only be described as Hormone Soup, I had an appointment to go to my OB, for all of my least favorite pregnancy treats. Not only did I get to do the 1 hour glucose tolerance test, but I was also given a shot in my ass, AND (this is where it gets TRULY AWESOME) a repeat Uncle Pappy.

Back when I was about 5 minutes pregnant with Amelia, right after my dueling chemical pregnancies, I got the results back from my previous Uncle Pappy. And for the first time ever the results indicated that my cervix was now growing some pretty interestingly abnormal little critters. Being full of the Hormone Soup back then, too, I promptly lost my shit for about a day and a half before I reminded myself (and the Internet bitch slapped me with love) that this was a pretty normally abnormal experience.

It was recommended that I get something done called a “colposcopy” after I hit Week 12, but when that rolled around I decided against it. I mean, if there wasn’t anything the doctor could do until I delivered anyway, why go through the pain and cramping and general Reign of Worry? Shit, I told The Daver at one point, they can take the whole bad boy and throw it the hell away once this wee one is born. Otherwise it’ll be sitting there with a Vacancy sign lit and humming slightly until I go through menopause.

So last week at around 29 weeks, when I trudged off to the OB’s office, high on sugar and sick to my guts, I really wasn’t concerned about my normally abnormal self. I was far more concerned with not passing out while getting my blood drawn (not something that normally bugs me) and where and what I would be eating after I left.

But yesterday, buoyed by my anger towards doctors in general, I decided to be the World’s Worst Patient in the Squeaky Wheel Gets The Grease category, and harass my OB’s office into prescribing me some pain killers where my GI would not. I wasn’t even thinking about my cervix and the State of Things Down There when I began my Rampage of Terror.

Which, for once, worked out to my advantage: not only did I find out that a prescription for codeine had already been called in for me, but my newest Uncle Pappy WAS NORMAL.

Dude, between the clean bill of health for at least one part of my body, and the prescription for painkillers, I’m a happy damn camper. Happy Thanksgiving to my vagina, indeed.


What are you thankful for today, my homies?

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
33 Comments to

“The Vagina Monologues”

  1. On November 26th, 2008 at 1:48 pm g Says:

    I’m thankful for narcotic painkillers and pb&j. And you with your healthy nether regions, I can sleep tonight knowing that your hooha is normal.

  2. On November 26th, 2008 at 2:08 pm Betts Says:

    I’m thankful that I didn’t catch my daughter’s stomach virus (yet). And I’m thankful for the good laughs you bring to me. Congrats on the perfect cervix! What more could a girl want?

  3. On November 26th, 2008 at 2:09 pm Mama Bee Says:

    Isn’t the glucose test the worst?! I was early to my appointment and had to drink it in the car. I vividly remember thinking, “Really, though? This can’t be THAT bad…I mean, look how small the bottle of this gunk is?”

    Then, after about two swigs, I thought, “Holy shit! I have to drink ALL THIS BILE in five minutes?! It. Is. Not. Possible.”

    Good lord, the things we do to blow a baby out our vag hole…

  4. On November 26th, 2008 at 2:10 pm Calliope Says:

    hurrah for an all clear pappy. That is HUGELY awesome.
    I am thankful that I am not as sad today as I was yesterday or the day before.

  5. On November 26th, 2008 at 2:13 pm swirl girl Says:

    thankful that no more birds will ever come out of my ‘oven’ again!

    glad you were able to get the ‘script and save some for when the baby is born – you’ll need ’em!

  6. On November 26th, 2008 at 2:14 pm rebekah Says:

    Congratulations on your bits getting themselves into order, just in time for Uncle Codeine! Also on the new layout, it seriously rules. And of course, congrats on the codeine. May the pooh flow painlessly on this, the anniversary of American gratitude.

    Sheesh, I’m grateful stupid Nablahchamapolamapaloh is almost over, because it (and I) suck at things like “goals” and “deadlines”. I’m grateful I’m done having babies, because you remind me that hormone soup also sucks pretty hard. And I’m most grateful that I’m Not Cooking tomorrow, unless mixing drinks counts.

    PS: your post font made “my homies” look a lot like “my hornies”, which I thought for at least 10 seconds was what you had said. So now I’m wondering how you know us so well, and laughing my ass off at your horny followers.

  7. On November 26th, 2008 at 1:15 pm Badass Geek Says:

    I’m thankful for you, Aunt Becky.

    That’s right.

    For you.

    Happy Gobble.

  8. On November 26th, 2008 at 1:35 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Well I am thankful for your news. Among other things, but I AM very glad to hear your news.

  9. On November 26th, 2008 at 1:36 pm Rachel Says:

    Glad you’re only growing normal critters in your nether parts.
    I’m thankful for beer and cheez balls.

  10. On November 26th, 2008 at 2:46 pm birdpress Says:

    I’m thankful for you healthy vagina! (Never thought I’d write those words.)

  11. On November 26th, 2008 at 2:30 pm SCY Says:

    Great news on the clear Pappy 🙂

    Um I’m thinking about what a failure I am? Not so happy right? Ok, so now I’m thinking of that next glass of wine 😉


  12. On November 26th, 2008 at 4:39 pm Jenn Says:

    Happy Thanksgiving indeed! Glad your results were normal. And I love your new look.

  13. On November 26th, 2008 at 3:57 pm heather Says:

    I’m also thankful that your hoo hoo is clear! But boo!hiss! on false alarms; bastards. Been there, as you know. For myself, I’m thankful to be crampy, bloated, and all those good things that come but once a month. Why? Because it means the IUD didn’t break anything.

  14. On November 26th, 2008 at 6:09 pm Karen Says:

    OHHHH….pretty new blog.

  15. On November 26th, 2008 at 7:15 pm Miss Grace Says:

    Definitely adopting the term Uncle Pappy.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  16. On November 26th, 2008 at 8:02 pm Sara Says:

    Hooray for your who-ha and it’s good health!

    I am thankful that my freakin’ thumb as stopped bleeding where I sliced the damn thing peeling pumpkin. And I’m thankful I only had to peel ONE pumpkin instead of two…


  17. On November 26th, 2008 at 8:08 pm Emily R Says:

    i’m thankful for your vagina, too

  18. On November 26th, 2008 at 8:20 pm Io Says:

    Yay for happy vaginas with codeine!

    I am thankful for my vagina. Sometimes. I can’t slap anybody with it. I think.

  19. On November 26th, 2008 at 7:48 pm Susan Says:

    Ohhhh, I’m so happy for you and so fucking sorry for the insurance companies who aren’t going to deny payment for your inquiries into the abnormal Uncle Pappy. And the dr. who isn’t going to make the payment on his bmw because of your sickly vagina. Hmmm, bitter? Nah. Just REALLY happy that you’re healthy so you can write more awesome posts!!

  20. On November 26th, 2008 at 9:26 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    I’m thankful for anitdepressants. That and my IUD. It rocks.

    Congrats on the healthy vag. Keep up the good work!

  21. On November 26th, 2008 at 9:34 pm Sandy Says:

    Aw I’m so happy that you got your drugs. I don’t know much of Crohn’s, but during my pregnancy I had kidney stones. The night that I finally got that codeine was like heaven. The shit wears off though, but hopefully by that time, Amelia will be here and then you can go for the really good shit…or get er fixed up, which ever you prefer.

  22. On November 26th, 2008 at 9:58 pm Kristen Says:

    Amazing news about the second pap and the drugs:) And your blog looks blinkin’ amazing, I adore it.
    (I so want to do a redesign of mine. I can do the design stuff and have lots of ideas, but no idea how to do the html crap to make it all work- I am way too lazy to figure it all out right now:)

  23. On November 26th, 2008 at 11:28 pm RhoRho Says:

    Hey I had that weird critter shit both times. The second the baby popped out: gone. And great question, please do visit le blog to read my lengthy answer. BTW, LOVE the new look! I gotsta get me one.

  24. On November 26th, 2008 at 11:41 pm Edward Says:

    Yeah for normal paps! My uterus and all that girl stuff gave out on me after baby 6. I thought it was the testosterone but turned out my darn uterus was just getting big and bad. I had no qualms about having them take it all out…cervix too. I got to tell you it was one of the best things I ever did. I had to have one of those darn tests for cancer…I don’t know what they call it. I’m glad your pap came back normal but should you ever need to have that “cramp test” don’t worry…it;s not bad.

    Happy you got the coedine! Oxycotin would of been know vicoden. can take that stuff while pg..really I’m not lying.

    Yeah for healthy cervixes and vaginas. Come on you know your looking forward to the “vacancy sign”. Just think…you’ll get to tickle some little toes once the vacancy sign come on. They will be girl toes for once!

  25. On November 26th, 2008 at 10:51 pm magpie Says:

    I am happy that you have a clean cervix.
    Did I tell you that your blog looks totally cool? I think I forgot to, but it does. I like the spiral notebook thing, I like the paisley, I like it.

  26. On November 26th, 2008 at 11:58 pm Jenn Says:

    After reading your little narrative about paps and aches and waddling and hormone soup and glucose drinks…I’m mostly thankful that I’m not knocked up.

    For about a minute. (Insert “Vacancy” hum here)

  27. On November 27th, 2008 at 12:36 am LilSass Says:

    holy shit balls I am DEEPLY thankful you don’t have to get a colposcopy. I’m pretty sure childbirth is less painful than that fuckin’ procedure. i’m only sayin’ this cause you don’t have to have one now but OH.MY.GAWD!

  28. On November 27th, 2008 at 1:02 am heather... Says:

    I’m thankful for my awesome new pajamas, and the lack of a job that allows me to never take them off.

  29. On November 27th, 2008 at 7:23 am Madame Yu See Says:

    I’m thankful that my grandaugter slept over last night and we had fun playing with the new tea set and Melissa and Doug fake food I bought. I’m thankful that my son and grandson also stayed over and we’re going out to dinner for Thanksgiving and I don’t have to cook!
    Don’t be in such a rush to get rid of your uterus. There’s a great article in “More” magazine, which you probably don’t ready because it’s targeted at women over 40, about the advantages of less invasive surgery. Among other things, hysterectomies can lead to early menopause and can kill your ability to enjoy sex. It’s the issue with Meridith Vierra on the cover, if you happen to see it at the store, get it and cut out the article and file it for future reference.
    Happy Thanksgiving Aunt Becky, The Daver, and 832 children!

  30. On November 27th, 2008 at 7:20 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Happy Thanksgiving Aunt Becky. I’m glad your vagina is OK.

    (Do they make cards for that?)

  31. On November 28th, 2008 at 12:21 am Lola Says:

    I’m thankful that you got your drugs and a squeaky clean cervix! Pregnancy ain’t all that fun, and being in pain is not necessary. I’m also incredibly thankful that my cervix is closed for business…

  32. On December 1st, 2008 at 11:10 am Kristine Says:

    I love the term Uncle Pappy. It may replace my “annual duck call.”

  33. On December 24th, 2008 at 10:49 am trish Says:

    I’m thankful for you.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...