Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Question Remains: Whose Genetics Are Responsible?


In a shocking fit of oddness, earlier in the week, Dave and I were both home to parent our children together. Normally, he leaves for work before the kids are up and comes home after they’re in bed, so I’ve gotten pretty accustomed to doing Daily Maintenance of All Things Kidly alone.

On this particular evening, however, Thing One (Ben) was off being Ben somewhere else in the house while Thing Two (Alex) sat in our sink splashing about merrily in a bath. We can’t bathe him every day as he’d like as he has such incredibly sensitive skin that he might molt and lose his skin entirely if I tried, so bath time for him is extra delightful.

Dave and I were both standing within arms reach (read: splashing distance) and talking about something else like the relative deliciousness of encased meats (consensus: Totally Full Of Delicious) when I realized that I was suddenly not being splashed with lukewarm water. I looked over at Alex, who has recently discovered the words both: Yes and No, and saw a familiar sight.

Alex was dingling his dangle, pinching the one-eyed diaper snake, and generally enjoying the hell out of his man-meat. Alex’s penis is his ultimate plaything, and he knows full well what it’s called. “Penis” was, in fact, one of his first words.

So in the name of talking to my child constantly (have a child who spends years in speech therapy and you will totally learn the value of narrating obnoxiously about each and every single fucking thing you do), I conversationally said to him, “Hey Alex, are you playing with your penis?”

To which, I am shockingly UNSHOCKED to say, he replied at full volume, with the biggest ear-to-ear smile I’ve seen on him yet, “YEEEAAAAH!!!!!” It was as happy as I would have sounded if asked if I happened to be looking forward to the new Britney Spears CD and probably 45 times as loud.

My boy, all right. Although Dave is trying to take credit for it, just like he always does.


posted under The Sausage Factory
19 Comments to

“The Question Remains: Whose Genetics Are Responsible?”

  1. On November 15th, 2008 at 11:52 pm Ashley Says:

    Dude. You wait for me to go home so you can blog. And I go home and check your blog. We are a pair.

  2. On November 16th, 2008 at 12:39 am LaskiGal Says:

    J was the same way!!! The first time I was a little disturbed as I pointed my puzzled face in the direction of his father, “Do all men do this?” I asked him. He shrugged his shoulders as we both stared at J as he explored his manhood.

    Apparently. They do. They just don’t admit it.

    I personally think J is a little proud. Or, should I say, A LOT?

  3. On November 16th, 2008 at 1:05 am melanie Says:

    Aren’t boys fun……..

  4. On November 16th, 2008 at 1:23 am kalakly Says:

    You know what they say, if they could lick their balls like dogs, they would.
    Have at it A man!

  5. On November 16th, 2008 at 6:36 am Susan Says:

    This is exactly why we only had girls!

  6. On November 16th, 2008 at 8:37 am Betts Says:

    Boys don’t have the market cornered on this. My daughter was about three when she realized the girl bits “tickled” when she touched them. But with girls it’s a research project; with boys it’s a lifetime hobby.

  7. On November 16th, 2008 at 8:42 am birdpress Says:

    When you were talking about being splashed with lukewarm water, I was expecting another surprise. Glad it wasn’t what I was expecting!

  8. On November 16th, 2008 at 7:57 am SciFi Dad Says:

    really, is there anything I can say that would add to that story? I think not.

  9. On November 16th, 2008 at 11:00 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    My son is now 12, and I don’t EVEN want to think about what he does in private with his privates! YIKES!

  10. On November 16th, 2008 at 12:43 pm Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:

    Ah yes, the Ultimate Toy…
    I tried to tell my boys that if they kept playing w/ it they would break it…that was what happened to mine..rofl..they looked at me skeptically for a second, and then laughed at me..rofl..
    I remember watching them STRETCH that bad boy about 6 feet long, and never be phased by it…lmao…

  11. On November 16th, 2008 at 2:40 pm swirl girl Says:

    See what happens when you extoll the virtues of the goodness of encased meats within earshot of the toddler?

  12. On November 16th, 2008 at 3:27 pm Fancy Says:

    My son was the same way. Probably still is, altho him being 14 and all I try not to ask.

  13. On November 16th, 2008 at 5:46 pm queen-size funny bone Says:

    look it at all the fun I missed when i had girls.

  14. On November 16th, 2008 at 6:16 pm Io Says:

    Heh. When I was a nanny I was standing in the kitchen with Julie, the mom, and E, who was four, walked in butt naked and declared “My penis is SOOOO big!” We nodded, agreed with him, and as soon as he walked away, bust up laughing.

  15. On November 16th, 2008 at 7:20 pm Miz Molly Says:

    Hi there!

    I remember taking my brand new baby girl to a friend’s house, and using her changetable to do the nappy thing. This friend had three boys – one, a baby.

    So… two extremely interested little boys watched at my elbow – then one announced in horror:

    ‘He hasn’t got a doodle!!!’

    I’ll have to remind them one day…

  16. On November 16th, 2008 at 10:18 pm Denise Says:

    Phoenix is all about pulling on his lately. I laugh my ass off honestly. Today, the two were taking a bath together (yes, I know they should stop that soon) when we hear “Phoenix, don’t use all the soap on your penis”. Na-ice. There he was yanking away, this time with soap. I figure he must have learned that somewhere? My hubby turned and left with his shoulders shaking in laughter.

    sigh. this is only the beginning for our penis-lovin’ boys, isn’t it.

    On a quick sidenote, it’s been way to fucking long since i”ve stopped by. I’ve missed ya Aunt Becky!

  17. On November 17th, 2008 at 1:02 pm Catizhere Says:

    Will almost “lost” his wanker.

    He was in the tub happily self-molesting and he pushed it in. Swear to God, pushed it back in! I was very very thankful that when I pulled his hands away, it popped back out.

    I’m a GIRL for Christsake! What do I know??

  18. On November 17th, 2008 at 8:43 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    This could really save you a bundle with Christmas shopping!

  19. On November 18th, 2008 at 7:00 pm mumma boo Says:

    Cenzo yells, loud and proud, “PENIS!” every time I change him. It’s like he forgets that it’s there until the air hits it, and then, surprise!, woo hoo! the penis is back!

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