Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Others


“They look like white elephants,” she said.

“I’ve never seen one,” the man drank his beer.

“No you wouldn’t have.”

Ernest Hemingway, “Hills Like White Elephants”


In the Lifetime Movie of The Aunt Becky Story which would probably be called something like Stairway to DANGER or A Girl and Her Sausages I would take this post and explain that the reason that I take the opportunity to shed light on pregnancy and infant loss is because I myself lost a baby. Or I’m missing a brother. Or a sister. Or a cousin. Or a uncle. Or something.

But my life isn’t a Lifetime Movie, and even if it were, I wouldn’t be cast as Janeane Garofalo anyway because my hooters are too big, and really, I haven’t lost a baby. No one particularly close to me has.

I’ve known a lot of people through the years that have: neighbors, friends of my parents. One of my first funerals was for a baby and I was probably 8 or 9 and the coffin was so tiny and I remember feeling such sorrow.

Sure, astute readers will note that I had a couple of miscarriages, but they were so early that I don’t need sympathy and now that the time has marched on, I barely acknowledge them at all. I certainly didn’t mourn them when I lit my candle last night.

But when I started blogging, I fell in with the baby loss mommas and I’ve always stayed in touch with them. Maybe I feel a kindred spirit with them, not for the loss of their son or daughter but because I know how it feels to be on The Other Side looking in, I don’t know.

What I do know is this, I know how it feels to sit in a room with a gigantic white elephant sitting in the corner taking up most of the room, trampling your prized orchids and taking a shit on your favorite Swarovski figurines while people blatantly ignored it. It could hoot and holler and clang-clang-clang and people would STILL sit there and pretend that every-fucking-thing was okay.

Most people don’t know how to handle grief and they don’t know that it’s okay to not have a solution to offer. Dave’s like this and it’s one of the rare things we fight about because he cannot seem to comprehend that there are things out there that aren’t, well, solvable. AND THAT IS OKAY.

Sometimes the best thing that you can do for someone who is hurting is to say, “I’m sorry.” Because you ARE sorry.

Treating people who have lost a child or who struggle to conceive or people who have cancer or people who are hurting as though they are contagious and are better to be avoided lest you “bring up bad memories” or to “let things die down” well, that’s cowardly.

Sure, it’s easier to imagine that you’re doing your friend a favor by not calling or emailing or sending a card and pretty much leaving them hanging in the breeze because emotions are hard and they’re ugly and shit, no one wants to see the raw grief that comes with such things.

Trust me. The only favor you’re doing is for yourself.

If you want to be a friend, call. Keep calling. Send an email every time it pops in your head to do so. Talk about light stuff. Let them know you care and that you’re around when they’re ready. Be their friend.

Some day, you’re going to be one of The Others too, because that is life.

Thank you to anyone who left a kind comment or lit a candle to remember all of the lost babies and children. I know it means a lot to everyone involved. I was moved to tears each time I added another name. The list gets longer every time I do this and it breaks me up.

I’ll be back with my regularly scheduled snark soon, so don’t worry, this hasn’t turned into a blog about sad stuff or water safety or how to cross the street or how to start dating after divorce (all things I’ve been emailed by people to talk to you about)(I know)(what.the.fuck?)

Until then, I leave you with this:


How the hell did she manage to bust out of her cage? AGAIN?

99 Comments to

“The Others”

  1. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:20 am ryanandjoesmom Says:

    At least you provide your kid water in her cage. You’ve one upped me there.

    Have a great weekend!

  2. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:31 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @ryanandjoesmom Her brother must have snuck her the water. Damn kids!

  3. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:22 am Kate Says:

    You are soooooooo right ~ ignoring the obvious doesn’t make anyone feel better, and pretending that someone else’s pain isn’t real doesn’t do anything but hurt them more. This goes for families with chronically-ill children, too.

    Fantastic post, Aunt Becky. Really.

    And I love your daughter & her cage. She’s beyond CUTE!

  4. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:30 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Kate It goes for all of us who have been on the outside. Pretending the bad stuff didn’t happen doesn’t mean that we have forgotten or that it doesn’t matter.

  5. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:23 am Ms. Moon Says:

    Really- the hardest things are the ones most doing. You’re right- make that phone call. Go visit. Speak the words you have, even if they aren’t adequate. They’re yours. They will be okay.

  6. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:29 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Ms. Moon I have a skeleton in my closet. I need to make that motherfucker dance.

  7. On October 16th, 2009 at 10:26 am Libby Says:

    Your baby has a much nicer cage than mine does.

    And I know what you mean about the baby loss thing. I have never (thank God) lost a child. However, having my daughter, and knowing how much I love her just makes me ache for those who have.

  8. On October 16th, 2009 at 10:32 am Jenn Says:

    Picture? Cute. Caption? Hilarious.

    I’ve been on the other side too. It sucks. I fucking hate it when people tiptoe around things or just flat out ignore them.

    Losing a child is my biggest fear. It has been ever since the day that my oldest was born. I cannot even begin to imagine the horror, the ache, the grief. It is so awful that anyone ever has to experience it.

  9. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:24 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    People in real life were apt to gloss over everything with Amelia even after the fact. It was so weird how they’d ignore it entirely. Like, hi, you SEE that scar covering the back of her head? It happened, okay?

  10. On October 16th, 2009 at 10:34 am Cookie Says:

    Lol, I didn’t know they made actual baby cages. I just use clothing baskets and cardboard boxes. Good to know.

    Baby loss just breaks my heart. I am fortunate to have never had to experience that, but whenever I read the story of somebody who has, it always breaks my heart and makes me cry.

  11. On October 16th, 2009 at 10:44 am Ed Says:

    Sadness thins the more you spread it out.

  12. On October 16th, 2009 at 10:44 am injaynesworld Says:

    Good post. It’s nice to see this side of you, too. You’re a good woman, Aunty B.

  13. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:28 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @injaynesworld Just don’t tell anyone I’m nice, okay? *flips hair* It would ruin my image.

  14. On October 16th, 2009 at 10:50 am Sara Says:

    Thanks for saying this, and I hope it makes it easier for people to talk about loss and grieving. I have lost two babies, and the wall of silence after the first one was so devastating that my husband and I didn’t even tell about the second.

  15. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:27 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Sara I can absolutely see why you wouldn’t mention that. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry you feel the need to be silent about it.

  16. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:55 am Nicole Says:

    I didn’t make it by yesterday to add my daughter Quinn to the list, but want to thank you so very much for both yesterday and today’s post. Every single relationship in my life has been altered because of her birth and death – some for the better, but most for the worst . . . I have had countless people just walk away because they didn’t know what to say, and I have walked away from even more because of what they did say (which is recognize now was their attempt to be kind and helpful, but at the time felt like a kick in the face.) All I ever wanted was for them to say ‘I’m sorry’ and leave it at that. Quinn has now become the elephant in the room any time we have company . . . the little keepsakes and mementos that I have stashed around the house makes everyone uncomfortable – but I am not ready to put them in a box and pretend that she never existed. I don’t think I ever will be.

    Anyway, thank you.

    (And LOVE the picture! If only it were considered PC to put little ones in cages . . . you know, just for a minute or two.)

  17. On October 16th, 2009 at 12:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Nicole, I’m adding Quinn right now. I’m sorry that you’ve had the same experience that so many have had.

  18. On October 16th, 2009 at 10:56 am MamaOtwins+1 Says:

    You’re right we’ve all either been on the other side or are going to be on the otherside and the last thing we should do is be cowards!

  19. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:32 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @MamaOtwins It’s easy to be a coward. I have some demons I need to face.

  20. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:00 am Jeni Says:

    Beautiful post… you have a way with words.

    Your daughter gets more and more gorgeous in every pic you post… and WHERE OH WHERE did those eyelashes come from? I’m jealous!

  21. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:32 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Jeni All of my kids have them which happen to come from me, actually! Which is kind of awesome. Finally, something good to come from their momma 😉

  22. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:08 am Sue Says:

    Thank you, Becky. For all of it. Truly.

  23. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:31 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Sue I hope. I hope.

  24. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:15 am Jane Says:

    great posts yesterday and today. i’ve been known to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I am thinking about you and am sorry,” to grieving people. It feels better than nothing.

  25. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:24 am MamaSkates Says:

    othersider here too (cancer)…u’re right – don’t ignore it or act like we can’t talk about it cause it might make me cry…seriously, i’m not that weak!

    ur memorial especially touched me cause my brother (whose wife just lost a pregnancy in the beginning of the year) is pregnant again! life will go on! ;0)

  26. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:29 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @MamaSkates It’s not like you’re going to FORGET that you had cancer because people don’t talk about it. You know? Saying a prayer for your sister-in-law.

  27. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:44 am Mel Says:

    The only thing that has made me cry more than your post yesterday was the ‘Peter’s Story’ video that has been floating around facebook, under the Stop Child Abuse/Neglect cause. It is gut-wrenching.

    Thank you for the timely earth-grounding post, to keep things in perspective.

  28. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:46 am Aunt Juicebox Says:

    You see, your problem is, you don’t have a lock on that cage. Babies are like monkeys, they have opposable thumbs and sometimes get lucky and figure out how to use them.

  29. On October 16th, 2009 at 12:09 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Aunt Juicebox Fucking opposable thumbs. She’s got double jointed thumbs too. Because she’s a freak of nature like The Daver.

  30. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:51 am a Says:

    Sometimes, say if you’re me, you find the most awful, obnoxious, and completely wrong thing to say to a grieving person and then you say it. So, if you’re me, it’s better to keep your mouth shut. But it’s not better to withdraw, just to be quiet.

    It doesn’t look like Amelia’s escaping the cage, it looks like she’s setting a trap. I’d be careful…

  31. On October 16th, 2009 at 12:09 pm Kristin Says:

    So many people don’t know how to handle grief and say nothing. It’s sad. It killed me when a year after my friend lost her son at 36 weeks, I was the only one other than her mom who recognized his existence.

  32. On October 16th, 2009 at 12:15 pm Janet Says:

    Yes! Thank you for this post as well as yesterdays. It’s amazing how some folks act like nothing happened as a way to make it all O.K. Even worse is the old, “you can always have another one” No, you can not. I am well beyond having children that fit into cages (gah! I wish I could still cage the 21 year old)but I have a close friend who recently lost a baby. It was a miscarriage in the first trimester and I was shocked to hear how many people told her she would “get over it”. She wanted that child so much, I can’t imagine anyone else deciding how much pain she should feel or for how long.

  33. On October 16th, 2009 at 12:17 pm Yvonne Says:

    Just wanted to say, that as an othersider (widow at 51), that presence is way more important than words. These kinds of experiences show who your friends are. I always want to laugh (now, before it hurt like hell) when people who run into me at work ask, “how are you?” as though I were an escaped mental patient. Almost two years later, I see that they were afraid to deal with an emotional person and that their inablility to be there had less to do with me and more to do with them.

    My heart breaks for those who’ve lost children. I know that is much worse than my own grief, which is still considerable.

    Thank you for your thoughtful post today. And thanks too for the fun picture. Now I’m smiling through tears.

  34. On October 16th, 2009 at 12:29 pm mumma boo Says:

    Thank goodness there’s something comfy for her to lie upon at the bottom of the cage! It’s a tell-tale sign when they have those lines on their butts.

    Thank you for yesterday’s and today’s posts. You’re an amazing woman, Becks. ((((hugs)))

  35. On October 16th, 2009 at 12:50 pm txtingmrdarcy Says:

    As a single 20-something who enjoys the mommybloggers more than the single 20-somethings, I totally understand what you mean. If something’s important to you, or sounds a chord in your soul, you need to post about it.

    Or maybe not even post about it, but take a moment, and think about it in that insightful part of your heart reserved for such things.


    That is all.

  36. On October 16th, 2009 at 1:54 pm Rebecca Says:

    All I know is that little angel of yours has the cutest cheeks and most adorable eye lashes…she’ll never need mascara.

    And yes, feelings suck. But it is great when something terrible is going on and a friend calls to say hello. Or sends a REAL e-mail (not forwarded crap) just to check in and see how things are going, because sometimes, it’s better to talk about things.

  37. On October 16th, 2009 at 1:57 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Still trying to crate train Amelia, I see.

  38. On October 16th, 2009 at 1:08 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Crap, my daughter broke out of her cage….no, wait…that’s Mimi. Dammit. *whew* *noms*

  39. On October 16th, 2009 at 1:25 pm daisybv2 Says:

    OMG she is adorable! I love her can she marry my Xander we can set it all up for when they get out of college?

  40. On October 16th, 2009 at 1:35 pm Regina Says:

    It makes me so angry when people say that they don’t go to viewings or funerals because it makes them uncomfortable. It’s not supposed to be fun. Be an adult, suck it up, and do what you’re supposed to do. I am blessed to have never lost a child (other than early miscarriages), but my father was murdered, and the silence from some people was deafening. When I ran into them later, they mostly said they didn’t know what to say.
    On a more positive note, your daughter is beautiful. Love the cage. Thanks for sharing.

  41. On October 16th, 2009 at 2:32 pm Catootes Says:

    My sister lost her oldest son to cancer last year. Her grief is not respected by most. She is supposed to “get over it”, “move on”.

    Whatever the fuck that means.

    People want others to store their grief away from view, so it does not disturb their feelings, theif comfort. At least all but the most supportive friends, I have found.

    The silent avoidance that is expected makes her feel worse than if someone just asked how she was.

  42. On October 16th, 2009 at 2:49 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Can I just say, plain and simply, thank you for this? And I completely crush on you? And that I want to scoop up that little girl of yours, what with her adorable and all?


  43. On October 16th, 2009 at 3:08 pm Jayme Says:

    Awesome post. Very well said, and very, very appreciated 🙂 Thank you.

    And your daughter is gorgeous, and I’m jealous you have a cage! Must put one on my wishlist…

  44. On October 16th, 2009 at 3:23 pm sarahcis Says:

    Thanks Aunt Becky. Great posts – made me cry for all those othersiders no matter what the situation is.

    I have had a friend lose 2 babies in about 12 mths – it was hard for both of us Im sure, but i made sure I talked about it to her . she is now into her second trimester and things are looking really really good !

    Do the cages come in 2 year old size? 🙂

  45. On October 16th, 2009 at 5:16 pm kyslp Says:

    A crib is really just a cage that is up on legs. (Ignore the no bars on the top part.)

    She is getting so big! And cuter with every picture!

  46. On October 16th, 2009 at 5:22 pm Katy Says:

    Now all Amelia needs is a baby sized gerbil ball.

    I think the only good that has come out of Alice’s medical struggles is that I’ve learned what to say to people who are grieving. Before she was born I was an avoider. I don’t always say the right thing, but at least now I say something. (and I avoid talking about the people with no! arms! or! legs!)

  47. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:36 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Katy My gut reaction to handling emotional situations is to make a joke. Sometimes, it eases the tension, other times, it’s COMPLETELY inappropriate.

    First thing they taught us in nursing school was to shut our mouth when the patient was talking. OR WHEN THEY WEREN’T. If you’re filling in the space with your chatter, people aren’t going to open up.

    It’s great advice.

  48. On October 16th, 2009 at 6:25 pm Kendra Says:

    Thank you for the beautiful thoughts, Aunt Becky. And for the reminder that grief doesn’t just go away. My mom’s friend just passed away in August and I guess I’ve sort of forgotten about her family, after her long illness and eventual passing and services. I’m going to send them a note to remind them that she and they are in my thoughts. It’s easier to grieve when you’re not doing it all alone.

  49. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:36 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Kendra Knowing someone–anyone–cares helps. You’re a wonderful friend.

  50. On October 16th, 2009 at 6:53 pm kalakly Says:

    Sometimes the ‘ugly’ truth said outloud, is better than the quiet ignoring of that ugly effing elephant. Thanks for putting it so perfectly.
    You’re a good egg:)
    And I have found zip ties work really well for keeping those little buggers in their ummm, cages, wait, I mean forts.

  51. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:37 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @kalakly Heh-heh “FORTS” Yeah, heh-heh, RIGHT. That’s what we call ’em!

  52. On October 16th, 2009 at 6:54 pm Becca Says:

    You write some really beautiful stuff, yo. I wanted to say I totally get what you are saying.

    I avoided talking to my Mama for a while because I thought (foolish me!) that she had had enough of hearing the rest of us cry. Turns out, she needs to hear that we are still sad about my Dad and that people (obviously not his kids) haven’t forgotten about him. That made me sad for her all over again, that she thinks people will ever forget him.

  53. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:38 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Becca I think that the common misconception is that people assume that by bringing up the deceased or illness, you’re reopening the wound, which, they never forget that stuff. Ever.

    But it’s hard to handle emotion as well, on our end, too.

  54. On October 16th, 2009 at 7:13 pm Claire Gregory Says:

    I’ve never been good with grief- my mother has an almost phobia about anything to do with death or any kind of loss, and she really drummed the “look-the-other-way” mentality into me as a kid.

    But all of that changed for me when our daughter was born seriously ill- I was so confused and heartbroken, if anyone asked me what they could do I couldn’t tell them. I had NO idea what would make me feel better. And it was the people who just turned up (and stayed), brought candy, called every day, made me cry- the people who did the things I would never have done myself- who changed everything and helped me get through it. I’m never going to shy away from grief again- the difference one person can make is huge.

  55. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:40 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Claire The people who sent emails, called, sent stuff to the hospital, showed up for the surgery or came to visit, those are the people I will never forget. Like you, I’ll never shy away from grief because it makes ME uncomfortable because that’s a cop-out.


    Very well said.

  56. On October 16th, 2009 at 7:16 pm Kelly Says:

    Our candle was lit last night.

    Mimi is getting so big! I love the little wrist rolls! I have so many pictures of Mea in our dog’s kennel, someone could turn us in. She loved playing in there, she was always being a doggie.

  57. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:40 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Kelly Wrist rolls are pretty much full of The Awesome.

  58. On October 16th, 2009 at 8:26 pm Kristi Stevens Says:

    In a cemetary, in North Dallas, in a Section call “Babyland V” (which, yes, means there is a I-IV) is buried a tiny white velvet casket that contains the remains of my first son. His loss was very complicated and is a much longer story than what is called for here. However, as I was reading your post (as happens so very often when I read your writing) a vivid memory played back in my mind. For weeks after we buried my son I just couldn’t fucking get over the fact that the world was continuing to turn. I couldn’t believe that people were continuing to live their lives – going to the grocery store, the movies, taking their kids to school, all the munitia that non-grieving people occupy themselves with. It wasn’t that I begrudged the world for moving on, I just didn’t understand how it was POSSIBLE that I was not moving along with them. I passed a cemetary everyday on my way home from work and of course, that was hard. One day, I was stopped at a red light, looking at the cemetary, the light turned green and I didn’t see it. The man in the car behind me laid his hand down on the horn. The next thing I knew I was standing outside of the car and walking toward his car. I think he was expecting me to say my car was stalled or something to that effect. When he rolled down his window I just looked at him and said, “Don’t you realize my baby is dead? You should really get some manners.” I wasn’t really angry with him… as you so eloquently described above, I was angry with the people in my life that should have been calling and checking on me. September 2nd was my first son’s 14th birthday. No one, not one person in my life, even my husband spoke of it this year. Too bad not speaking of it doesn’t make it not so.

    This post is yet another reason I heart you so big. You get it… and I love that.


    PS Do you know where I can get a cage that a 12 and 9 year old will fit in?

  59. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:45 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Kristi I’m so sorry about your first son. My heart breaks that there has to be a Babyland V and that your son has been laid to rest there. I’m glad I wasn’t in the car with you that day. I probably would have beaten the guy senseless.

    I’m sorry no one remembered his birthday. I can’t imagine that anyone forgot, but I don’t imagine that anyone knows what TO say. Does “Happy Birthday” really fit? I think it does, but I can see how other people would shy away from that.

    My heart hurts. I’m sorry. Shit. Damn allergies acting up again.

    Can I add his name here so that when I pay tribute again, we can remember him too?

  60. On October 16th, 2009 at 8:44 pm Cat Says:

    One of my good friends had a stillbirth at 5 months. I hugged her, I went to the funeral, I cried and brought her meals. But I was pregnant at the same time and spent so much time worrying that I would upset her that I’m afraid I didn’t do enough to be there and comfort her. We’re still friends and our relationship is good, but somehow I don’t think I would’ve regretted going all out. Lesson learned, the hard way.

  61. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Cat That’s such a hard situation and you’re such a wonderful friend to her. I’m sure that you did all that you could within the limits of what would have been fair.

  62. On October 16th, 2009 at 7:45 pm Kristine Says:

    OMG! She’s so big! When did that happen? AAAAAAAHH – make it stop, make it stop!

    I never know what to say either. But I figure being there if if I don’t say anything is better than disappearing.

  63. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:41 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Kristine Being there and saying nothing is better than disappearing.

    And I know, she’s like a HUMAN. WTF?

  64. On October 16th, 2009 at 11:53 pm Beautiful Mess Says:

    Well said, love! I rarely talk about my miscarriages, as well. As much as it sucked, I can’t IMAGINE what “The Other” pain is. I’ve been one of The Others before when my mom died (not the same, I know) you’re right. Be a friend! Send a text, send an email, ANYTHING, but do something. I swear it helps to know that there are people out there. Thank you for posting this. I thought about a lot of my bloggy friends and all the babies that were taken too soon.

  65. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Beautiful Mess Knowing that other people can understand where you’ve been makes all the difference in the world. Blogging is wonderful for that.

  66. On October 17th, 2009 at 6:34 am The Expatresse Says:

    It’s a man thing, wanting to fix things. They just don’t know what to do when there isn’t something to do, ya know? Women understand that sometimes you just need to be heard is all.

    I dunno. That baby is about as pretty as mine . . . and that’s saying something! (She’s delicious, you girl!)

  67. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:52 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @The Expatresse You’re right. The wanting to fix everything is totally a dude thing and it drives me bonkers sometimes. Not everything is fixable, right?

    And Mimi says “thank you.” Well, really, she just kinda drooled and tried to pull herself up on the chair. But she looked grateful.

  68. On October 17th, 2009 at 6:34 am The Expatresse Says:

    It’s a man thing, wanting to fix things. They just don’t know what to do when there isn’t something to do, ya know? Women understand that sometimes you just need to be heard is all.

    I dunno. That baby is about as pretty as mine . . . and that’s saying something! (She’s delicious, your girl!)

  69. On October 17th, 2009 at 9:43 am dubiousMa Says:

    Dude….get a Masterlock. They can’t pick that.

    And I do have friends (I know…whodda thunk??) that have lost like that (thankfully, only 2) and I tell them: I’m here. Call me to cry, laugh inappropriately if that’s what you need to do, or curse at God, but I’m here on the other end of the phone.

  70. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:53 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @dubiousMa Masterlock, eh? That warrants looking in to…

  71. On October 17th, 2009 at 11:01 am Belle Says:

    So nice of you to put water in her cage!

  72. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:53 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Belle, See I’m not CRUEL! She gets watered…when I remember 😉

  73. On October 17th, 2009 at 12:32 pm C @ Kid Things Says:

    I’ve had 4 miscarriages and while I don’t mind talking about them so much now, at the time, the last thing I wanted was pity or sympathy. I didn’t want to hear I’m sorry. I just wanted to grieve and move on. So there’s always that side of it, too, that sometimes you have to think about.

  74. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:54 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @C Absolutely. I am 100% with you on this. When I had my miscarriages, I was sad and then I was done being sad after a couple of weeks. Mine were early and then I was done. But that’s an excellent point to bring up.

  75. On October 17th, 2009 at 12:40 pm Amy d Says:

    Amelia is such a beauty!! Good thing she has the daver & two big brothers….the boys will be lining up to date your cinnamon girl!

  76. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Ames Dave is grateful that she has two older brothers to take care of any future dates. I don’t think he means that in a good way.

  77. On October 17th, 2009 at 12:53 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Great advice. Every word is true.

  78. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @DG thank you.

  79. On October 17th, 2009 at 3:28 pm Mwa Says:

    I called someone I know who has cancer in the middle of reading your post and chatted to her for over an hour. Thank you.

  80. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Mwa *hugs*

  81. On October 17th, 2009 at 7:32 pm Lola Says:

    I may be emotionally retarded with feelings and shit and not know what to say, but when bad things happen to people in my life, I’ll come over and cook, clean, take the kids to the zoo or whatever. I’m also the one who brings a bag of weed to those who have cancer and are going through chemo.

    I’m not afraid to be around sadness, probably because I was around lots of it growing up. Sometimes people want to talk about it straight up, and sometimes they just want you to get them a glass of wine and stare at the TV with them, make them laugh or feel up their reconstructed breasts and tell them that they feel great.

    Yes, I’ve done that with two of my friends that had mastectomies. Don’t worry, I asked for permission before I went in for the grab. After we laughed our asses off, they thanked me.

    Oh, and next time put the door to her cage up against a wall 😉

  82. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Lola I somehow imagine that if I were In The Shit, I’d be flying your ass out here to stay with me.

  83. On October 17th, 2009 at 8:12 pm Lifes Crazy Joke Says:

    My seven year old’s dad died in Afghanistan when he was two. I was left alone as a single mother and had to cancel the life plans. I think humor and friends helped me through that. I also think that going through that kind of grief helped to make me stronger and taught me better cuss words to use.

    Life goes on and it is nice to have people be real with you. This was great advice.

    And here I thought I was the only one caged my child. I can’t believe you let that dirty little family secret out!


  84. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:57 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Life’s Crazy Joke. Just, wow. You amaze me.

  85. On October 18th, 2009 at 6:44 am sky Says:

    Holy comments!

    This was an excellent post. Thank you for writing it. No, I’ve never lost a baby but I’ve been part of The Others when we were trying for so long to get pregnant. It was a brutal place to be.


  86. On October 18th, 2009 at 4:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @sky I’ve been on the outside for many other reasons, thankfully none of them have involved children, and you’re right, it’s always brutal.

  87. On October 18th, 2009 at 1:18 pm CLC Says:

    Your caption made me laugh out loud. Thanks for that and for just telling people the truth.

  88. On October 18th, 2009 at 5:53 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Has she started to hide food in the chubba rolls yet? It’s worse when it happens at lunch and has time to ripen before bath time, or so I’ve been told.

  89. On October 18th, 2009 at 9:04 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    When my newphew was about 3 we were crate training our puppy and he kept wanting to get in the crate, he even wanted to take a nap there, I didn’t let him, I thought my brother would so not like that.

    Thanks for writing this. Although I have never experianced infant loss i know people who have and I try just to be there for them, but I always feel like I am not doing enough.

  90. On October 18th, 2009 at 11:51 pm Tawnia Says:

    My youngest daughter was a twin. We lost the other baby early on during the pregnancy. We chose to name her Faith because it is a miracle she is here. Life is fragile. Thanks for being great at what you do, it makes this fragile life we lead seem easier and stronger:)
    Much Love & Respect Tawnia

  91. On October 19th, 2009 at 3:16 am Betty M Says:

    Like you my m/cs were too early really to mark by candles and I do feel like a grief fake when I think of all those who have lost babies so much more here than mine were. Those people have taught me a lot about how to deal better and try and help with grief, loss and illness in better ways than i did before.

  92. On October 20th, 2009 at 8:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Betty I have learned so much from my baby loss mommas. So much more than I could ever teach them. It seems really unfair. Like I do all the taking.

  93. On October 19th, 2009 at 11:42 am violet Says:

    I could not picture my life without my son. If anything ever happened to him, I would just lose it.

    I am glad you touched on the point that as friends we need to stay in contact with our friends who have had a loss. My best friend recently lost a cat and while a cat is a family pet to a lot of people, to her, it was her baby. She was so depressed and torn apart. I didn’t know what to do, so I stayed away. When I thought I had given her enough time to mourn the loss I tried contacting her and she was upset with me. Little did I know that all she wanted was someone to sit next to her and hold her. I was so afraid of not being able to comfort her or saying the wrong thing to her, I stayed away. It almost cost me her friendship. So yes, friends need to be there consistently and just “BE THERE.”

  94. On October 20th, 2009 at 9:19 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @violet It’s hard to know what grieving people need or want.

  95. On October 20th, 2009 at 8:35 am Dot Says:

    That is so true. People are so uncomfortable with the idea of tragedy possibly happening to them that they dart back into their denial and disappear from the scene. Or they think that if you cry in their presence (referred to as “breaking down”), that somehow they’ve made it worse, when just the opposite is usually true.

    No matter how often I’ve tried to explain it to people, they keep on doing what they do. It’s just too scary to face until you have to, I guess, which is why it’s preferable to have one of The Others with you, because they won’t run away from it. Those who haven’t been through something could be good too, and a few are, but first you have to be able to face what happened.

  96. On October 20th, 2009 at 9:30 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Dot It’s really unfortunate that many people can’t handle grief or pain because it really does hurt to lose someone you love and care about when you’re in the thick of something awful. I wish I had some annoying platitude about it, but you know as well as I do that it just simply hurts. And I’m sorry.

  97. On October 21st, 2009 at 5:41 pm Traci Says:

    Oh my…your posts these last few days have been spot on. I’m a fairly new reader so maybe you are always supernaturally brilliant 😉

    That pic of your daughter & the cage reminded me of my son:

    Wait for about 30 seconds in…

  98. On October 22nd, 2009 at 8:30 am Cindy Badger Says:

    I want to say thank you and I have some repenting to do.
    I have been one of those who didn’t know what to do or say. My younger childrens father passed away this summer (we had been divorced for over 10 years) and while I was not saddened by the loss, I have been amazed at how few people even expressed condolences to them. No flowers sent, no cards….My younger kids range from 13-18 in age, and while they were not close to their dad and have told me over and over that they don’t miss him I wonder how to help or if help is really needed, so I just keep asking.
    My friend just lost twin grandbabies (her first!)to a medical fluke, I have some phoneing to do. Thank you, and my oldest daughter thinks your awesome (she sent me this link) her blog site is “Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic”
    Thanks again

  99. On November 7th, 2009 at 9:32 pm Caroline Says:

    Dammit. I was totally looking forward to hearing your advice on water safety. I got an offer to write about cleaning products. I KNOW!

    Also, I have almost the same picture of Nate and the dog crate, only he’s hanging out inside it. The dog may or may not be in it with him. That’s OK, right?

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