Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Other OTHER White Meat


You know, Pranksters, I’ve been feeling a little low lately. Sometimes, you know, you get so much bullshit heaped up on you at once, you just can’t manage to shake it off, eat a goddamned cheeseburger, run around the house screaming BITCH GET ME CHICKEN, while worshiping at the alter of Billy Mays.

It fucking happens.

When it does, though, you start to question yourself; “am I really that smart?” “Is my obsession with Billy Mays cool or creepy?” “What would Bob Ross do?”

Then, if you’re REALLY lucky, the heavens open up and smile down upon you.

Today, they did:

When I first read the title, I got hungry. I mean, I hadn’t eaten a cheeseburger in at LEAST thirty minutes and motherfucker, I was hungry.

So I grabbed out a bucket of BBQ sauce and this magnificent book. It was time to eat me some motherfucking smart fucking kids.

First, I had to decide how to lure these incredibly smart kids into my house so I could properly eat them. Luckily for me, Twix had just sent me a large stash of Twix bars AND a Twix costume, so I knew I could easily lure even the smartest of kids. Who doesn’t love a grown woman dressed as a candy bar? Answer: NO ONE.

I learned, after devouring my first MENSA member that kids? Well, they’re kinda gamey. You can CALL them the other OTHER white meat, but they still taste like boogers and dirt. Even the smart ones!

But I waited, checking every hour to see if my IQ had grown. And, by golly, it had! Suddenly, I knew how to solve complex geometric equations even though I’d spent most of that class sitting in the back row, stoned out of my gourd. It was magic!

What else did I want to raise my IQ in? The possibilities, it seemed, were endless. I want to be the VERY BEST at everything, naturally! In the end, I went for a talented athlete. I’m practically on first-name basis with the ER staff, what with my predisposition to walk merrily into walls and fall jauntily up the stairs.

Soon, Pranksters, as I was licking the BBQ sauce off his tiny bones, I realized that I suddenly COULD run more than three feet without my lungs burning. I felt my muscles tense and flex as I prepared for a nice game of rugby with the neighbor kids. I was ready to kick some little kid ass!

The moral of this story is, Pranksters, that kids taste grimy and mealy – even the brilliant ones – but we can learn so much by eating them. So please, Pranksters, won’t you eat an honor student today?

Honor student – The Other OTHER White Meat.

26 Comments to

“The Other OTHER White Meat”

  1. On October 19th, 2011 at 12:08 pm Jaime Says:

    wtf is that book really about .. hahahaha.

  2. On October 19th, 2011 at 12:35 pm leanne Says:

    So now I totally want a cheeseburger. With BBQ sauce.

    Also, did you notice that people who bought this book on Amazon also bought “Gangsta Rap Coloring Book” and “The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas”? Maybe put those on your Wish List.

  3. On October 19th, 2011 at 1:13 pm Steve Bailey Says:

    Delicious…… Im gonna try it……………………….I just ate a kid with Terrets…. and it was #$%@#ing good. I feel *&%$@ and mother%$#$@#% great with *&^%^$ BBQ sauce on it ………. #$@! I am full.

  4. On October 19th, 2011 at 1:14 pm McGilli Says:

    where’s that teeny little game piece from McD’s with the cheeseburger I won the other day????

  5. On October 19th, 2011 at 2:34 pm Pamela Says:

    LOL! I *have* this book! Best dollar and a half I ever spent at a booksale. 🙂

  6. On October 19th, 2011 at 2:35 pm Liz Says:

    There’s a “Out of Boy Toys” McDonald’s drive through photo going around facebook. Is it related to this book? I’m so looking this book up. Maybe it’s as good as Three Martini Play Date, where it is advocated that your spawn learn how to mix and serve martinis.

  7. On October 19th, 2011 at 2:38 pm Amelia Says:

    I was checking this book out on Amazon because your post led me to a profound sense of “wtf?” Amazon recommended I check out the book “How to Live with a Huge Penis”

    I just wanted others to be aware, in case they suffer from this malady.

  8. On October 19th, 2011 at 3:03 pm Grace Says:

    You soooooooooooo need to post this blog entry as a customer comment on Amazon! I almost peed, I laughed so hard!!

  9. On October 19th, 2011 at 3:37 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    I was handling the restricted diet really well today until you mentioned cheeseburgers and eating gifted kids. Thanks Aunt Becky… I won’t be driving past the charter school today!

  10. On October 19th, 2011 at 5:22 pm Chocolate Diapers Says:

    Eating people didn’t get Jeffery Dahmer very far. Did you know that he attended Ohio State?

  11. On October 19th, 2011 at 6:54 pm katrina Says:

    Ha! about 500 yrs. ago j swift also had a modest proposal……

  12. On October 19th, 2011 at 7:37 pm Vapid Vixen Says:

    This makes me happy to learn that kids are FINALLY good for something. It’s about time they started pulling their own weight in society.

  13. On October 19th, 2011 at 9:50 pm Elle Says:

    Thank you for the Bob Ross reference. You made my day!

  14. On October 19th, 2011 at 9:55 pm phd in yogurtry Says:

    I have really smart kids and I freely share.

  15. On October 19th, 2011 at 10:28 pm Maggie Says:

    H. freakin. STERICAL!!!!! Love!

  16. On October 19th, 2011 at 10:49 pm Caroline Says:

    Would that make you an even bigger smart ass, since you’ve ingested all this new knowledge?

  17. On October 19th, 2011 at 11:24 pm Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:

    You know… I think this was a long lost witches manual from the 1600s.

  18. On October 20th, 2011 at 6:35 am Liz Says:

    Does “You are what you eat” apply here? If so, can I eat a brilliant skinny person?

  19. On October 20th, 2011 at 7:51 am tracey - justanothermommy Says:

    What if they’re average intelligence pre-teens? Because I’ve got one I’d be willing to serve up right about now…

  20. On October 20th, 2011 at 9:24 am Tom Says:

    Are the Tea Baggers eating all the stupid children?

  21. On October 20th, 2011 at 10:22 am Ellen Says:

    Oh Aunt Becky, think of the children.

  22. On October 20th, 2011 at 11:42 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Hm… see, this is quite the debate for me.

    ‘Cause, sure, I’d like to be smarter. But I hate sticky food.

    (Also, apparently I wrote this comment far too quickly. I apologize.)

  23. On October 20th, 2011 at 12:53 pm katrina Says:


  24. On October 20th, 2011 at 12:55 pm katrina Says:

    damn…..this was to go with Tom’s comment…..about the tea baggers eating all the stupid children…..

  25. On October 23rd, 2011 at 12:06 pm Di Says:

    I ate them while pregnant, and now my kid is even more brilliant than I am. So glad the word is finally getting out there about this.

  26. On October 24th, 2011 at 12:40 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    BWAHAHAHA. I agree you need to post this as a review for the book on Amazon. It would be amazing.

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