Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Original Uncle Pervy


After I begged you lot to help me, oh LORD help me to figure out what to write about I was asked a couple of times as to why the hell I blog. And the answer is deceptively simple.

I started blogging with my friend Chris back in 2004 after we’d come into contact with a number of, for lack of a better word, Lame Blogs. I won’t bother trying to track them down or anything just to illustrate my point, but let’s just say they committed various blogging sins:

1) They were too deep and/or meaningful

2) They took themselves too seriously (Aunt Becky’s Cardinal Sin)

3) Instead of real content, they substituted recipes, naked self portraits (yes, really), or links. Once in awhile, fine. As a substitute for content? No way.

4) Plus blogging itself seemed to me so incredibly self-indulgent, I mean, pages upon pages about YOURSELF? C’MON NOW. Who CARES what I ate for lunch (pot-stickers. Verdict? Just what the Doctor ordered).

But back in 2004, I had a stalker. Yes I did. And some of the things that he would do made Dave tell me that I needed to get a blog to chronicle the hilarity. I never did say much about it. UNTIL NOW.

I will take you back to January 2004 and fill you in on what was going on, it wasn’t anywhere near as boring as my life now. I was midway through my nursing education, shlepping my ass back and forth from school to the hospital and eventually home (my parents house) to occasionally see the Fruit of my Loins. Ben must have been…2 and I didn’t get to see much of him. My schedule was grueling.

At night and on weekends, I waitressed at a pizza joint to pay for such things as insurance for my son (Nat had been laid off and was too lazy to find real work) and diapers! Oh the diapers!


So, I met The Daver in 2003 via a friend (also: Chris) but we didn’t meet face to face until 2004. Pretty much instantly we started dating (a story for another day), which meant that every Tom, Dick and Harry who’d been nursing a secret candle for me began to flip out. In my relationship experiences, I’d always have a number of guys to choose from AFTER a dry spell.

I guess that when it rains, it pours, right?

So back to the Original Uncle Pervy. He was a manager at the pizza place that I worked at and he and I always got along famously. We joked around all of the time, we enjoyed our shifts together and I considered him a friend. I’ll call him Milan (a gross misspelling of his actual name).

Well, the moment he saw that I had another guy who might possibly be interested in stuffing his sausage in nasty places, he got super-territorial. Like, if I didn’t answer a text message, he’d call me 100 times leaving me increasingly desperate voicemails:

“Hello, Rebecca, this is Milan, YOUR FRIEND. Call me back!”

“Hi Rebecca, Milan again, you haven’t returned my phone call YET. Where are you?”

“Okay, I see how it is! You don’t have time for your old friend Milan. This is my last attempt at calling you.”

“Rebecca, CALL ME BACK.”

It would have been scary if he wasn’t the least threatening guy on the planet. He seriously was like an Eastern European fag hag. I would never have worried about being alone with him or anything, he was harmless and let’s be honest: I could totally take him in a fight.

He was turning out to be quite the hilariously possessive freak, tho.

Part II will air tomorrow.

posted under Uncle Pervy
34 Comments to

“The Original Uncle Pervy”

  1. On June 5th, 2008 at 2:15 pm Sillycakes Says:

    Oh, you fucking tease! LOL

  2. On June 5th, 2008 at 2:27 pm Kristen Says:

    Tease is right! I am sitting on my bed of nails waiting for the rest of this.
    I have a stalker too. An internet stalker. She seems pretty harmless though…

  3. On June 5th, 2008 at 2:31 pm PiquantMolly Says:

    Hmmm . . .

  4. On June 5th, 2008 at 2:36 pm b Says:

    ahhh..becky…did you have sex with your stalker? tell DID, didn’t you? trust me, if you didn’t..he still imagined it plenty of times.

  5. On June 5th, 2008 at 2:38 pm Frozen Star Says:

    Hmm. I wish my stalker provided me with funny stories. All mine does is call me in the middle of the night and breathe into the phone. But suffice to say I don’t want to know what he’s was doing when he calls…

  6. On June 5th, 2008 at 2:40 pm kc Says:

    That dude was WICKED creepy.

  7. On June 5th, 2008 at 2:40 pm Vered Says:

    Ah, the suspense. 🙂

    Thanks for answering the question. I am always curious to know what made people start blogging. The answers tend to be surprisingly different for different people.

  8. On June 5th, 2008 at 2:46 pm Coco Says:

    Hey! No fair cutting us off at such a nail-biting stop point.

    I had a single wimpy stalker in college. He was under the misguided notion that I was some kind of bright ray of sunshine and wrote me awful, sentimental poetry that made my skin crawl.

    Any other male on the planet who may ever have been inclined to weird out on me seems quite well aware that while I may look harmless enough, I am actually as mean as a badger and twice as likely to bite the goodies off anyone who gets in my face with uninvited attention. And if they aren’t, my hub will now happily fill them in.

    Also, Potstickers rock.

  9. On June 5th, 2008 at 2:49 pm Don Mills Diva Says:

    Can’t wait for the second installment!

  10. On June 5th, 2008 at 3:07 pm Holly Says:

    You know you wanted him too. LOL I kid I kid

  11. On June 5th, 2008 at 3:18 pm DC Says:

    I have a stalker too!! He’s in prison right now, but he was nice enough to send me his semen in the mail. I should probably blog about that one of these days. 🙂

  12. On June 5th, 2008 at 3:40 pm kalakly Says:

    Sounds like a keeper….

  13. On June 5th, 2008 at 3:43 pm DC Says:

    If there is vodka involved, we can DEFINITELY be friends.

  14. On June 5th, 2008 at 3:45 pm Karen Says:

    I have always wanted a harmless stalker. I think it would be an ego boost.

  15. On June 5th, 2008 at 3:52 pm Kristine Says:

    Harmless stalkers rock.

  16. On June 5th, 2008 at 4:14 pm pamajama Says:

    Very exciting entry, can’t wait for Part II! I totally love stalkers, as long as they belong to someone else.

  17. On June 5th, 2008 at 4:27 pm gingermagnolia Says:

    But what if I really wanted to know what you ate for lunch?

    Great story, can’t wait for the next installment!

  18. On June 5th, 2008 at 4:43 pm heather Says:

    Tease. Can’t wait for Part II!

  19. On June 5th, 2008 at 5:20 pm quietgirl? Says:

    Your giving us cliffhangers now? Brazen… Dig the story tho. Diggin it. Diggin it way more than packing my shit in boxes. I’m kind of over that. More uncle pervy!

  20. On June 5th, 2008 at 8:00 pm A Soldier's Girl Says:


    Now this is hilarious! How are you going to leave us hanging….you betta update early in the morning 🙂

    Oh & thanks for the compliment, you made my day 🙂

  21. On June 5th, 2008 at 8:17 pm Edward Says:

    Looking forward to part II but all I can say at this point is lucky you! To have more than one warm blooded live human interested in you at the same time and wanting to put their suasuage in nasty places! Oh…your so lucky…no just kidding lets find out ther rest of the story before I say that.

  22. On June 5th, 2008 at 8:52 pm Angela Says:

    I KNOW this isn’t about me but I have to add in my random stalker story. I work with this guy who had a pretty obvious crush on me from the time I started working there, and we got along fairly well except when he started reading more into it. He asked me out and I told him we were just friends and I absolutely do not date my co-workers and he seemed okay with it. And then he did it again, and again. And every time I explained the friends thing, and finally, we seemed to reach an understanding.

    And then one day, we were talking about movies and he asked if I had seen the new Narnia movie (the first one had just come out). I said no. He asked if I was interested in it. I said yes. He asked when I was available (DOH! FUCKER TRAPPED ME!) and I said I was really busy (very true) and probably wouldn’t have time. The next day, I get an email from him proposing that we go see it that weekend (it was probably Monday at that point) and my response was, basically, I have a ton of homework and am way too busy so I wouldn’t be coming. On Thursday, he sends me an ANGRY email asking why I haven’t committed to going out with him that weekend and that if I’m not interested in dating him, I should have just said so in the first place. WTF!?!?

    The next time I saw him in person, I mercilessly told him that there was no chance, EVER, that we would end up dating, and it was very presumptuous of him to assume that just because he was interested in me that I would and should want to date him. NOT. INTERESTED. EVER. GO AWAY.

    I felt kind of bad later, but it had to be done. You know, like it was a huge sacrifice on my part, for the greater good, of course. I had been nicely deflecting him for over a year and that crap adds up.

    And then he fell in love with another co-worker. At least it’s not my problem anymore.

    Sorry to hijack….

  23. On June 5th, 2008 at 9:39 pm chris Says:

    AAAaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…yet another cliffhanger! I told you before…move to Hollywood and pitch your stories.

  24. On June 5th, 2008 at 10:01 pm Heather Says:

    Yep. Count me in the college-stalker category. His name was Mr. Martinez — I know this much because he was mercilessly called out in our auditorium poli-sci class as Mr. Martinez. And when he later stalked me in my Realism course, it was Mr. Martinez that I knew him to be. Ick. Mr. Martinez.

  25. On June 5th, 2008 at 10:46 pm Lola Says:

    Alas, I have one, too. But mine’s kind of scary, thinks he was my boyfriend over 20 years ago (he wasn’t), and he goes around town telling everyone how he was my boyfriend and where he made out with me. Yikes!!! I’ll probably write about it some day, but for now he’s freaking me out too much. He’s been studying up on me for 20 years without me even knowing. I hate psychos!!

  26. On June 5th, 2008 at 10:53 pm andi Says:

    Can’t wait for part two – even your stalkers are funny.

  27. On June 6th, 2008 at 12:20 am kate Says:

    get a blog because you already have a stalker. huh. that’s new. my family is completely SURE that i will acquire stalkers by having a blog. not so much. but then, uncle pervy doesn’t know me.

  28. On June 6th, 2008 at 6:13 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Only Becky could have an eastern european fag hag territorial stalker. Only Becky.

  29. On June 6th, 2008 at 6:56 am theramblinghousewife Says:


    Can’t wait for part two! 🙂

    I love it that you could totally take him in a fight!

  30. On June 6th, 2008 at 6:59 am deb Says:

    Have never had a stalker, but they sound like hours of fun for the whole family – whack jobs.

    And I chose you to TAG. I was tagged my VABlondie and decided to pass the torch to you. If you have already had this tag I apologize, not quite myself these days.

  31. On June 6th, 2008 at 7:32 am mandy Says:

    Wowee, stalker eh?

    Very interesting. Glad it wasn’t that threatening. I am kind of jealous, I’ve never had a stalker before. 😉

  32. On June 6th, 2008 at 7:34 am Lainey-Paney Says:

    I shall stay tuned for part II.

  33. On June 6th, 2008 at 10:00 am kbreints Says:

    Oh goody goody a new Story!

  34. On June 6th, 2008 at 3:07 pm tash Says:

    On pins and needles. And really, why is “falling in love” a competitive sport with men? What’s that about? I’m just so content to go mini golfing.

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