Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The One Where I’m Not A Serial Killer


Probably the best part of not hosting Thanksgiving besides the obvious “not cooking” and “not having to behave like Martha fucking Stewart” is I don’t actually give a shit if my children eat Thanksgiving food. I mean, I didn’t spend 70 hours slaving over anything, so if you want to eat corn only, be my guest, I’m not crawling up on the cross today.

Traveling to my rival state (Wisconsin) is always a downside because we have to drive behind slow (SLOW!) drivers and listen to the ear-splitting shrieks of my daughter, who was all Furious George. Small children do not travel well. Hm. Let me rephrase that: MY small children do not travel well.

Happy Holidays! We’re all deaf!

After we got home from our uneaten Thanksgiving dinner in Wisconsin, my friend came over. My INTERNET friend.

Pranksters, I have friends. ME. I know!

My feelers have been a little lonesome lately and I was all SAD IN THE PANTS that I was supposed to be alone on Thanksgiving (Wisconsin was a last-minute thing), and my friend Dana was all, “I’LL COME OVER, YO.” And I was all, “AWWW YEAH. MY HOUSE IS BRIGHT YELLOW AND I’M NOT A SERIAL KILLER I SWEAR DON’T MIND THE GIGANTIC FREEZER IN THE GARAGE IT’S NOT FOR YOUR CORPSE.”

She came over anyway.

And she brought a bacon turkey.

I pretty much have the best friends ever.

She’s totally not stuffed into my big freezer, either because even though I am married to a television serial killer, I am not personally a serial killer.

I’m going to have to use her as a reference on my Internet Resume.

Also: The Blogroll is back, yo.

43 Comments to

“The One Where I’m Not A Serial Killer”

  1. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:25 pm Erin @ MOmmy on the Spot Says:

    Bacon turkey?! Please post pics!

    And I get you on the whole traveling with little ones. I am still recovering from my summer road trip when I took them to New Jersey while I was BlogHer. *shudder*

  2. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:29 pm vickilikesfrogs Says:

    Oh wow…there is no WAY I’m the first to comment! By the time I get done typing, 58 others probably will have commented. Oh well. Such is life. On to my comment…

    Bacon turkey? BACON TURKEY??? Wtf is this wonderful sounding thing, Aunt Becky?!

  3. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:29 pm James Says:

    reminds me what my sister says whenever im going to meet someone i met on the net she tells me not to cause they might be a serial killer but awesome that ya got me a internet friend

  4. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:37 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Soon you will have to have a list on your sidebar “People who have met me and TOTALLY lived to talk about it”

  5. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:44 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    Bacon turkey sounds pretty much like the best thing ever. Why are there no pics of it?

  6. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:47 pm Tershbango Says:

    You know what? It’s a friggin’ holiday, who cares what the kidlets eat? My cousin’s kids lived entirely on pumpkin bread and cookies for the entire weekend and other than the crack high, they’re A-OK. So I’m with you – if they only want corn, they’re the ones who’ll be poopin’ nuggets for a week, not the cooks. šŸ™‚

  7. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:50 pm Mel Says:

    Hey now…Wisconsin isn’t that bad! Afterall, I live there. šŸ˜›

  8. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:51 pm qcmama Says:

    wow that is so full of the awesome! I so want to come up and visit you but last month when we were supposed to just went to hell in a handbasket(my grandma loved that term.) Hopefully one day soon I will be able to make the merry trip up to Chicagoland so I can go shopping and see my most favorite internet aunt. šŸ™‚

  9. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 pm Kristin Says:

    Oooooh, bacon turkey sounds delish. Did you know you can get chocolate dipped bacon?

  10. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 pm Kelly Says:

    You mean to tell me, that you are a real life person?

    We drove 30 miles to visit Mack at school last night, and before we had even made it to the interstate, Mea asked if we were there yet. It was a lonnnngggg ride, there and back.

  11. On December 2nd, 2010 at 1:55 pm Jaci @ Ravings of a Mad Housewife Says:

    “…so if you want to eat corn only, be my guest, Iā€™m not crawling up on the cross today.”

    If my husband wouldn’t give me the evil-sinner-stink-eye and huff in disgust, I would TOTALLY say this to Elizabeth at every. damn. meal.

    Ha! Just read the rest of the post. You are on fire today.

    Okay. Now I have to quickly click away because I’m like one of those annoying people who listen to some British guy talk for 20 minutes and all the sudden I’m all like, “I ate a baaaa-naaa-na this morning.” I have to watch or I’ll do that with blog writing and I’ll be saying, “Furious George”.

    Bleck. Stop being such a follower, Jaci.

  12. On December 2nd, 2010 at 3:12 pm Becky Says:

    Don’t worry your not alone I keep catching myself about to tell people to shut their whore mouths and then I realize a)I’m a Becky but not Aunt Becky and b)the person I’m about to say this to is so not gonna get it and will be all offended and this is gonna go all kinds of bad. I to pick up accents in about 2 seconds and annoy the shit out of whoever happens to be around especially my inlaws whose accents I’ve perfected.

  13. On December 2nd, 2010 at 3:45 pm Ms Dreamer Says:

    Jaci, looks like there are three of us…I thought I was the only one who picked up on accents. My husband and I spent a week in the hills of Tennessee last year. He threatened to kill me and feed me to a bear if I didn’t stop. šŸ™‚
    Put me for a week anywhere like England, and I’m totally fucked – I’d come back to America, and they’d demand to know where I forged the passport.

  14. On December 2nd, 2010 at 8:51 pm JenniferB Says:

    Well, now, hate to ruin the party, but that makes four. I’m exactly the same way. Turns out to be a really good skill when you’re learning foreign languages, yo. <– see, done picked that up from one Mrs. Aunt Becky. But it does annoy the piss out of everyone most of the time. I now have a Cuban Spanglish accent from living in Miami… ugh.

  15. On December 2nd, 2010 at 2:00 pm KC (The Resident Bitch) Says:

    Okay guess what we make where I work … because you will TOTALLY appreciate this. MAPLE BACON DOUGHNUTS.

    I know we’re not the only ones but it’s like a pancake with bacon only it’s a fried doughnut! How is that NOT like the best thing ever? Not only does it have maple and bacon but we can also drizzle chocolate on it. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!

    And yay you have friends! I knew you could do it!

  16. On December 2nd, 2010 at 2:03 pm MommyLisa Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,

    What is a bacon turkey and where do I get one here in Minnesota.


    Mommy Lisa

  17. On December 2nd, 2010 at 2:04 pm toywithme Says:

    I love this line so much I may have to hump you in thanks for sharing it!

    “Iā€™m not crawling up on the cross today.”

    P.S. Lube errr ‘line’ or no ‘line’ I’d hump ya anyway šŸ˜‰

  18. On December 2nd, 2010 at 2:20 pm Sunday Says:

    People with deep freezers in the garage creep me out, people who have pad-locks on them make me run for my life!

  19. On December 2nd, 2010 at 2:27 pm Maria Says:

    Ehheehheehhee. That is all.

  20. On December 2nd, 2010 at 3:04 pm Meg at the Members Lounge Says:

    Let me second that “crawling up the cross” is a brilliant turn of the phrase! I think its my mantra today!

  21. On December 2nd, 2010 at 3:13 pm Brandi Cortes Says:

    Dude…if I promise to let you pop your serial killer cherry and stuff me in your freezer will you please add me to the blogroll? It just makes me sad, that I’ve licked the Band’s boots & love you like a whore loves cheap hotels, but still…still you break my heart.

    Even if you have to add a new category. Blogs That Are Bullshit or Bloggers that Pick Their Teeth with John C. Mayers Pubes ?????

    I can deal with that. Mostly.

  22. On December 2nd, 2010 at 4:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Throw me an email, yo.

  23. On December 2nd, 2010 at 3:15 pm Becky Says:

    Feelin ya 110% on the small children and road trips hell. We do Michigan to Tennessee and Michigan to Florida at least once a years for each and oh sweet baby Jesus I swear it’s the worst form of torture my husband could have invented for me. Supposedly he hates to fly.

  24. On December 2nd, 2010 at 3:38 pm Heather @ nobody-but-yourself Says:

    OMFG – *I* live in a bright yellow house and have a giant chest freezer in the garage that isn’t for your corpse, too! Is it possible that I’m Aunt Becky’s Secret Twin?!?

    *cue dramatic music*

    Nah, I’m not that cool. But a girl can dream….

    Also? I’m from Jersey, originally. However, I moved north of the Garden State’s borders for college and have never returned on a permanent basis. I also ditched the Jersey accent the second I arrived on campus. That being said, all it takes is a phone conversation with any of my relatives of more than 5 minutes’ duration and I’m “Oh my GAWD, I totally saw that at when I was at the mawwwwwl” – drives my non-Jersey husband a bit insane.

    I could eat corn for every meal, I think. Mmmmmm, corn.

  25. On December 2nd, 2010 at 5:10 pm Kristy Says:

    Who has kids that travel well? Let’s find them and beat them up!

  26. On December 2nd, 2010 at 9:17 pm Peter Says:

    Well, my Mama had kids that traveled well, of course she had a backhand quicker’n a striking snake. Nor was she hesitant to use said backhand. Furthermore, we started to travel before the Intestate Highway system was started. (Sorry, I’m old) Somehow, though, between the time my youngest were around eight or ten and today, smacking a kid became child abuse rather than a sorely needed correction. Damned shame, anyone notice how much nicer the country is?

  27. On December 2nd, 2010 at 5:17 pm Tanya Says:

    I need to know more. Was the bacon wrapped around the turkey? Or was it a little turkey made of bacon. (I’m hoping for the latter).

  28. On December 2nd, 2010 at 8:43 pm SaucyB Says:

    “Furious George”. hee hee. I like that. Hasn’t Dexter been great?? Hubs and I can’t wait for the next episode. Hope you’re not feeling too jealous of Lumen.

  29. On December 3rd, 2010 at 10:33 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I cannot talk about Lumen.

  30. On December 2nd, 2010 at 8:50 pm a Says:

    The first time I brought my daughter to Chicago, she was fine for the first 4 hours of the trip and as soon as we hit the tollway (355) she cried all the way to Mt Prospect. It was lovely. She’s much better now with the travelling.

    We get turkey bacon on occasion, but bacon turkey? That’s a new one!

  31. On December 3rd, 2010 at 10:32 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! KIDS MAKE ME SO INSANE.

  32. On December 2nd, 2010 at 9:01 pm Neeroc Says:

    That bacon turkey was amazingly yummy looking. I had almost the same thing tonight, except it was bacon and eggs, but still, BACON and cooked by someone else.

  33. On December 2nd, 2010 at 9:52 pm Dana Says:

    You know, it’s just WRONG to mark the comments of “She who brings bacon turkey to your house” as SPAM! For those who were curious, here is a photo of the BACON TURKEY … not to be confused with turkey bacon which we all know is BULLSHIT.

    Oh, and I won’t mention the fact that there wasn’t any room left in your chest freezer … I checked before I knocked on the door!

  34. On December 3rd, 2010 at 7:04 am Lindsey Says: That looks…. interesting. Does the bacon fat go down and juice on the turkey while it’s cooking?

  35. On December 3rd, 2010 at 7:10 am Heather @ nobody-but-yourself Says:

    So when served a bacon turkey for dinner, is it appropriate just to eat the bacon off the top and skip the turkey part?

  36. On December 3rd, 2010 at 10:31 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  37. On December 3rd, 2010 at 10:04 am Joanna Says:

    I’ll take any leftover bacon turkey! My sister in law wrapped the turkey in capicola this year. Scrum-didilly-umptious!

  38. On December 3rd, 2010 at 11:15 am Heather Says:

    I am so dreaming of the day the DH says “Hey baby, ummm your Aunt Becky is here to see you.”

    “Shut Your Whore Mouth ~ she is not”

    “Well, Somebody is at the door saying she’s Aunt Beky, but I don’t recognize her.”

    I peek out the bathroom window “Shit it IS my Aunt Becky! Quick, get me my recipe for Vicodin Chip Cookies!”

  39. On December 3rd, 2010 at 11:58 am Kadye Says:

    You know, as often as you’ve mentioned you’re not a serial killer… I’m starting to think you’re in denial.

    Also, is Bacon Turkey a really REAL thing. Because if it is… I think you need to bring one to me in Memphis. Mostly because I’m too lazy to cook one myself. Actually, I’m pretty lazy in general. If I don’t answer the door, just leave it on the front porch. I imagine I’ll get up eventually.

  40. On December 3rd, 2010 at 11:59 am Kadye Says:

    I know “is bacon turkey a really real thing” is a question and should have a question mark, but as you may have heard somewhere, I can be full of the lazy and I’m too lazy to delete the comment and re-write it.

  41. On December 4th, 2010 at 9:05 pm Suniverse Says:

    You know, if I didn’t have that crippling anxiety about driving on the freeway thing, I’d totally come visit you, because there is something about a yellow house that always strikes my fancy.

  42. On December 4th, 2010 at 10:53 pm Jacob Says:

    Back turkey? Damn! Never heard of that one before but honestly sometimes traditions are just a pain in the a**… as you’ve shown

  43. On December 4th, 2010 at 10:54 pm Jacob Says:

    *bacon*… i think the vodka is setting in.

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