The Nervous Breakdown Chronicles: Sometimes, I Wonder What It’s Gonna Take
I’d known that we had problems well before The Guy (formerly) On My Couch moved in – problems created by the both of us – and once he moved out, Dave had transformed into a caring and sweet person; the one I’d fallen in love with so many years ago. While I didn’t exactly hope that we’d be dancing through fields of sunflowers or poppies to the tune of “The Most Beautiful Girl In The World,” I’d hoped we could reconcile our differences and come back to the table once I’d finished figuring myself out and becoming well again.
I wasn’t necessarily certain what that would look like, only that perhaps, I’d be able to call him my friend, co-parent our children, and work out a solution that would make us both happier. I had no illusions that our life would somehow magically be perfect again, only that I’d be happy to reevaluate where we both stood.
I said yesterday – and meant it – that no one plans to get divorced. I certainly never expected that I would be sitting here, wondering how I’d manage to afford living alone, whether or not I could truly make enough money blogging to support myself (so that I can get out of an environment that has proven to be toxic to me), wondering how just how badly all of this will fuck up my poor, sweet, innocent babies. Any one of those conundrums are not particularly easy to solve, and having them suddenly thrust into the limelight while I was at my absolute worst was not, perhaps, the most ideal of situations.
Having a nervous breakdown, I’d been informed, was a time in which I had to focus upon me – and me alone – and work toward recovery. That, being something I’d not done before in conceivable history, and something I was attempting to try and understand.
This whole divorce-thing threw a wrench into the whole damn thing. I couldn’t be getting better if I was attempting to secure my financial stability, my well-being, and focus on recovery and getting healthy.
I honestly don’t where this will take me.
I hope to get back to writing and working on my blog, feeling that the curtain of secrecy is now lifted helps a lot – it’s impossible for me to feel like I have this space – my space – and be unable to truly share what’s going on in my life. I hope that I’ll have some time to really work on my book. I’m hoping to focus on the things I can do rather than all the intangibles I cannot. Knowing that two of the biggest pillars of support in my life have – in one short week – have chosen not to stand by me, well, that’s not exactly the way I’d expected to spend my recovery and my birthday.
I will take each day as it comes – each second, if I have to – and I will work toward rebuilding.
Because I must, once again, rebuild.
I’m just so weary; so, very weary.
And I wonder what it’s gonna take.
Well, you know your friends will be there to support you. In epic ways.
If ANYONE has the strength to do it YOU so. Look at all you have gotten through so far? YOU CAN DO THIS! And when you need us, we will be RIGHT THERE…by your side. We are NONE OF US alone. You need to remember that now, more than ever.
I don’t really know what to say except I’m so, so sorry that you all are going through this and also to say that you aren’t alone. Many of us are in rock vs. hard place marriages. Childhood trauma just complicates it further and having young children even further. Anyway, know I am praying for you and wishing you all the best in the near future. In the meantime, PEACE.
xoxo
on your side, babe.
Oh Becky, my heart breaks for you. As a divorced mom of three, recovering stress addict breakdown survivor, I know the grey fog that surrounds and weighs us down. I am so sorry to hear that life has gone and put you in the boggle box and shaken the shit out of you and your life. It sucks and well, it just fucking sucks!
You and your minis are on my mind and my heart
A lot of time, a lot of tears and a lot of work on your part, a lot of support a lot of prayers and a lot patience on the part of the people who love you. A lot of cheering you on from those of us on the sidelines. And probably some Ben & Jerry’s.
Sending you strength, Bex. And eleventyseven hugs.
Love you, honey. You’ll make it through this…
You were putting in seriously huge amounts of energy in keeping this a secret. Keeping something so life changing, to yourself… it drains you. Mentally and emotionally. In other words, it fucking sucks. There are so many people that care about you, you are not alone. I know that you are the one that has to go through it all, no one can do it for you… but you are in the thoughts, and prayers of so many.
There IS light at the end of the tunnel, my friend, and glitter…. lots of glitter!
Sending you warm thoughts, and lots of hugs..
I can only imagine how (I can’t even think of an appropriate describing word here) horrible? this has to be for you. Struggling with depression/anxiety/PTSD/etc in and of themselves is a battle, but fighting that along with working through a divorce and move, is just shittastic.
I don’t know if I can say that I’ve ‘enjoyed’ reading your last few posts, but I truly have found your amazing-ness in them. And yes I am creating my own words. You finally sound like YOU. It doesn’t feel like you’re hiding something or behind something, but it feels like are sharing the true you. The fact that you can be so honest with us on this journey shows that you have the fight and you will make it through all of this for the better. I’m glad to see a little spark in you, even if it is surrounded by miles of darkness.
I don’t comment often, but read everyday. Thank you for sharing your story and letting us help you with it.
Every morning when you get out of bed, you need to consider yourself WINNING!! even if you don’t move from the nest on your couch for the rest of the day. Literally, one footfall at a time is how you are going to make it through. One day at a time is too big a task. One footfall at a time.
Not sure if you’ve considered this, but I have found my most profound inner healing at a woman’s retreat. You can find non-faith based ones around the globe where the focus is on you and there is no outside influence whatsoever (no tv, radio, web, etc.). Just a thought.
Regardless of the path you choose, the Band is with YOU. Be well.
So, so, so happy that you’re finding your words again! I’ve worried about you so much when you’ve been quiet. Writing can be incredibly therapeutic. Keep it up, my dear!
Hang in there. We all love you and wish you the best!
As a recent devastating break-up survivor, I second your sentiments. But you’re right about focusing on what you can do. Every day. Step by step. I’m thinking of you. Hugs and more hugs.
If you ever want to come get shitty in the city, please contact me! I also have a cheap apartment available (on the North SIIIIIIIDE), it’s empty and unrented at the moment, you should come check it out. Loves and hugs to you, AB.
Sending all my love directly to you.
Just hugs and thoughts, hun.
So much love for you. When I got divorced, I listened to Meredith Brooks’ “Shatter” over and over and over. Something about the “I may crack but I’ll never shatter” line turned into a mantra for me. It may sound kind of silly, but find your mantra. It really helps you get one foot in front of the other. Hugs.
Just….. ((HUGGS))
As Andra said, it must have been exhausting keeping all of this under wraps. The burden of secrecy has been lifted. Unfortunately you have new burdens now. And it can be so very exhausting trying to slog along carrying them.
But I believe in you. You have a core of strength that is unbreakable. You are a survivor. That is a proven fact. I wouldn’t wish this situation on someone I despise, but I believe that you can make it through to the other side.
So…
You’re gonna be a Phoenix… are ya?
Cool…
Heres to bright shinny feathers, and…
{{{Aunt Becky}}}
You’ve been there for so many of us, even though you probably don’t even realize it. If you need anything at all, please let us know. xoxo
I stumbled across your blog a few months ago, Aunt Becky, and already I adore you! I have gone back and read a ton of your older posts and have recommended your blog to my friends (who love it too, by the way).
Your writing has made me laugh harder than I have in years. Thank you so much!!!!!! I can’t tell you how much you have lifted my spirits during a difficult time in my life. For that, I am enormously grateful. I will share my story on Band Back Together when I’m ready, but for now I just want to say thank you for bringing the site to life and giving others like me hope.
I am so sorry you are going through a shitty time right now and before. It feels devastating, I know. When I read your first ‘Breakdown’ post, my heart sank for you. Please know that what you do is important, who you are is important. You are loved.
To hell with those that changed their mind. There will be others to take their place.
In fact, on a lighter note, you are just the kind of woman my husband would leave me for in a heartbeat! I know that sounds crazy, but you are awesome and I know his type. I need to be more like YOU and make double sure that he never finds this site!
Be well & hang in there!!
Jennifer
Thinking of you and knowing that you are on the right track because you keep talking about working on yourself. That is so critical, because you can’t change others’ behavior, only your own. Another great book, other than those I mentioned yesterday is Broken Open.
(((hugs))) & love to you.
I was thinking as I read, maybe don’t get a job writing. Maybe get an entirely different job. The reason I bring it up is you say you want to write a book. I found when my day job was writing I stopped writing my own stuff (blog, letters, etc.) entirely. Just a thought.
I know how hard this can be and I’ve been trying to pick up my pieces for far longer than I can remember at this point. I felt like such a child (being only 21). Everyone always assumes I make this all up. That I don’t actually get depressed, or have nervous break downs (that’s why I love reading your blog, it let’s me know I’m not alone) , but From everything I have felt and been through, and all the people I have had to ignore along the way, I can honestly tell you, you will get better. You will feel better and you will move on. Although I’ve never met you, I love you. Keep doing your best to get better. It will happen.
Hey doll!! Though I have only “talked” to u via the internet, I feel as though we are connected in so many ways! I am so sorry that u r going through this ordeal….although my divorce was completely MY choice and I did the filing of all paperwork involved, it was still a crushing blow for me. Divorce, in my opinion, is a lot like death…and the most important thing I learned is that u HAVE to go through the grieving process in order to heal your mind, body, and soul. The kids will be ok, I know it is hard to even think about a normal life right now, but u will get there…I promise! That was my biggest fear about leaving my ex husband, how will the kids react? Did I just fuck them up for life? When they grow up, will the boys end up criminals because I left their father? (Yes, I actually thought that was gonna happen, because if it happens on SVU, then its gotta be real!) What really happened was that I ended up with 2 altar boys and a daughter who respected her mother even more because she could smile again! I wish there was something I could say that would make u feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but I’m not sure there is….divorce sucks in any situation, but time most certainly heals!! Take care and take heart in knowing there r MANY people sending positive thoughts and vibes your way!!
I love you. I am sorry you’ve been left flat footed by your real life support. I believe in you.
I don’t even know you, but I really, really feel for you. I went thru a divorce recently. His name was Dave too. It’s not easy. At all. But it is sometimes necessary. As for your children? They may very well be far, FAR less “fucked up” in the long run, because of this. Really. Be the example you wish them to have. Your “two parent nucleus” has split. Mourn it. Sit in it. Muck around if you need. Then kick it to the curb. You’re gonna be okay. The babies are going to be okay. KEEP. WRITING. It will transform you and release negative energy. Some of my best paintings came from my darkest times. Sending prayers and positive energy your way.
Big big hugs, AB.
You are already doing great! Your looking at what you need to do and I have you can. Hugs and remember to breath.
Im sending you love and light and endurance,, courage, peace, clarity, and hope. I love you so hard, girl… and know too well the phrase “you dont know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”. You will find it from somewhere. You will find ways to do a little self care, and you’ll rebuild. *HUG* #eyeofthemotherfuckingtiger
I totally understand being ‘gagged’ and losing your voice because of it.
One day, maybe I will be able to talk of my own Big Bad Thing, but for now I can’t.
I hope that now you can speak of it it will help you on your road to getting back to the old you.
And remember my love, I am always here for you.
x
Nothing I can think of to say is adequate except that you have been such an amazing, positive force for the powers of good with Band Back Together and we love you. I hope our comments add a little light. <3
I am so sad for you but I know that you will be better. You are so smart and well able to take care of yourself even if you don’t see it now because you are tired and depressed. Give yourself some time, you will do it I know! Good luck!
Sending you what strength and courage I have to you. It will get better. I like the idea of focusing on yourself. Do 1 thing each day just for you. Reach one goal each day. Take baby steps. You will get though this. We pranksters and The Band will see you though it. HUGS
We are all here with you. (Sorry we can’t actually be on your couch.)
Hello Becky. I’d like to help you out because realy you’re at a point in your life where you can truly say “this sucks”. Now I don’t have the same circumstances and my intentions are not to make this about me. I just want to share what I know in the hopes that it helps you out a bit (or not).
Now I got separated from my common law partner a year and a half ago. I did not see it coming (he just dumped me cold turkey) on the 16th of December (yeah right before Christman). I am not a very emmotional person but I was shocked and it took me a while to come to term with this new reality. We were living together in this great apartment I loved and I knew I couldn’t afford it on my own once he left. I decided to buy a condo instead of hunting for a new rent hungry apt.
Getting over this part of your life is not easy. It sucks because your friends all have good relationships and they tell you all this cliché shit that you won’t want to hear. But no matter how sucky it is and how annoying your friends get while repeating it, it does get better (it can only get better from here).
As fo what will happen to your children, I wouldn’t worry about this. I do not have children of my own but I can tell you how I turned out being raised by a single mom. I’m just fine. I love and respect my mother for what she has done for me more than if I had been raised in a nice perfect family. We didn’t have much money while i was growing up but she made sure I had everything I needed and went to school and ate my fill. My dad never helped raising me. For me my mom is both my parents and I love her twice as much for it. You’re children will not stop loving you. They won’t care if you’re single as long as they are loved by you. They’ll be just fine and so will you. If life wasn’ t a little bit of a challenge, it wouldn’t be very fulfilling.
Also to take care of yourself maybe you should think about a little trip somewhere. It doesn’t have to be very far (I like Europe but I know it’s not an option for everyone). A small roadtrip over a weekend, somewhere pretty with yummy food, that’s what refreshes me the most when I need a little pick me up. And you’re definitely spot on with the therapy. It helps tremendously when you need directions in your life. I hope this helps (if only a little). Cheers 🙂
You need to look no further than your comments from the pranksters. 🙂 One step at a time, you will move on and get better. Like the phoenix on your body, you will rise from the ashes. Children are resilient, show them that even when life kicks the shit out of you, you can rise again. They need to see that sometimes it’s ok to put yourself first to recover so you CAN take care of everything else.
Sending you love, light, and glitter….
Becky, I’m so sorry you’re are struggling…
You will get back to you – the strong, strong girl that you are.
People care.
What’s it gonna take? A village of pranksters standing by and ready to support you in any way we can. Lean on us. And lean HARD if you need to.
I love you so dearly. <3
My God we are walking the same tight rope. I hear you sister. Newly single mom of 3 kids, trying to madly make ends meet and still maintain my own authenticity. Hugs to you.
What can I do to help?
I would suggest those pillars of strength are still there, they’ve just moved off to the side a bit to allow you the space to soar on your own …
You are a phoenix! And you will fly!
Shit, hang in there. Divorce is hard but you’ll come out the other side eventually. Meantime I’ll be checking back to see how you’re doing.