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The Holy Or The Broken Hallelujah


I’m not a huge believer in signs, nor am I a fan of using magical thinking (although there was a time when I used it frequently and with gusto. Before you judge, I was a teenager, and I think this is a pretty common teenage thing). I don’t tend to look below the surface for much at all, instead I try and understand what is in front of me.

But I can’t help but feel like maybe this is just sign that I don’t need to have more children. The quest for Baby #3 isn’t something either of us are pursuing with as much vigor as we had with the creation of Baby #2. I like having 2 kids, and I think I’d like to have 3, but maybe 2 is enough. Maybe I should just focus on the 2 that I have, assume that they are more than enough and move the hell on with my life.

A life that doesn’t include midnight feedings, more stretch marks, chapped nipples and the avoidance of lunch meats. The 2 I have came fairly painlessly, I had no known miscarriages before I had either of them and I love them fiercely. Maybe that should be enough for me.

Maybe I should just quit while I’m ahead and save myself any future hopes and subsequent heartaches. Having another child would just be the icing on an already iced cake, and although it might taste good, it’s not completely necessary for my continued happiness.

When I look around at my blog friends, I’m constantly reminded that the Universe is simply not a fair place, and that maybe I should just be grateful for what I do have and stop trying to pursue a dream that may not end in a happy way for me. Why push the envelope for something I don’t know that I really want?

The one stipulation that I had for my “last” pregnancy was that I try to relax, let go and let God and enjoy my last chance at gestation. I spent so many days and nights worrying with the other two (especially Alex) that I made myself ill and I didn’t want to do that to myself or my family again. But now I don’t see anyway that I won’t worry should I get knocked up again.

And I have to ask myself, is it all worth it? Sure it’s just a blip on the radar as far as Very Bad Things go, but it’s my second blip in 2 months, and the hormones are certainly going to kill me again.

Is any of this worth going through again?

I guess I just don’t know anymore.

24 Comments to

“The Holy Or The Broken Hallelujah”

  1. On May 4th, 2008 at 10:47 am Heather Says:

    Every word you’ve written rings true for me. Just this sinking feeling that the next one won’t turn out okay – that we’re blessed to have come through the last two and that it would be a bad move to push it. I get that. It’s a hard thing to get your head around and see your way through.

    I resigned myself after my first to the fact that pregnancy/getting pregnant would never be ‘fun’ or even mildly enjoyable, that survival was my main goal for us both, and that nine months can and will feel like nine years. It would be nice to be blithely naive about how babies get here — damn miraculous to me that the human species continues to exist at all.

    Should you go forward, I hope it happens soon and that it’s smoother than you could even imagine. Getting and keeping babies just shouldn’t be so damn hard. It just shouldn’t.

    Sorry to be downer, but conception/pregnancy usually brings out the sad in me. Hang in there, Becky, you are not alone.

  2. On May 4th, 2008 at 11:06 am Jenn Says:

    Oh you. I’m still so sorry. I don’t know the right thing to say to you because I’m sort of in the same place about the kids we have and the possibility of having more. I think you are a fantastic mother (wish you had been MY mother, honestly) and if you do have more children they will be lucky to have you. If you do decide to keep trying then don’t stop yourself from enjoying it. Worrying won’t change anything. Although, I know that it’s easier said than done, believe me.
    I guess I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you! *hugs*

  3. On May 4th, 2008 at 11:19 am c. Says:

    I have the considered that very same thing, Becky. In fact, I was just looking at jobs yesterday: K heads off the kindergarten in the fall, leaving me with a whole bunch of time and nothing to do.

    Can I endure another loss? Fuck. I don’t know. What I do know is this is something I’ve wanted for so freakin’ long and I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone (thing) but myself choose whether or not I get it. Fate can go fuck herself if she thinks she’s going to scare me off. She’s already taken so much of me by taking C away. I won’t let her take this dream away from me, too.

  4. On May 4th, 2008 at 11:44 am Natalie Says:

    It’s so hard when you see others struggling around you. I know when I was blissfully happy being pregnant with Devin I knew that I wanted a child#2 and I felt really guilty for being happy, for even thinking about having another when I knew so many friends of mine were sufferign and notbeing able to have even one. I felt the same thing sometimes… the “Why push it when I’m happy?” (I, however, love being pregnant and knew I would want to do it again!)

  5. On May 4th, 2008 at 11:50 am Five Husbands Says:

    You are wise beyond your years – it is a delicate balance between wanting and living in the moment. I think you have it down better than most of us.

  6. On May 4th, 2008 at 12:11 pm birdpress Says:

    I think this is a very smart way of looking at things. I, for one, am incredibly envious of you with your two beautiful kids. 🙂

  7. On May 4th, 2008 at 12:11 pm Calliope Says:

    holy fuck. I am just now catching up and am so sad for this complete sucker punch from the Universe. so so so sad.
    thinking of you & wishing I had some magic myself to make it all better.

    p.s. really dig the new look over here.

  8. On May 4th, 2008 at 12:14 pm g Says:

    Oh Becs, I am so sorry.

  9. On May 4th, 2008 at 12:18 pm Kyddryn Says:

    I’ve typed several comments and deleted them because…what can one say?

    Letting go is much easier said than done, especially when holding on is such a deeply entrenched habit.

    I hope you regain your equilibrium sooner rather than later.

    As an aside…I love that song…especially Jeff Buckley’s rendition of it.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  10. On May 4th, 2008 at 12:25 pm Heza Hekele Says:

    If your not sure, then take a break, wait until you feel that you definitely do or do not want another one before preceeding. Follow your heart…and sometimes that means taking a break and doing nothing until your heart speaks louder. Why do you have to make the decision today? this week? this month? Relax and re-visit the issue in a few months perhaps…

  11. On May 4th, 2008 at 1:16 pm bri Says:

    Thinking of you.

  12. On May 4th, 2008 at 1:42 pm kalakly Says:

    All I can add is that when the husband finaly gave me the green light to go for #3 I was ecstatic. I had, well we had, no idea the nightmare of a journey we had just started out on. It feels a bit like the Donner Party crossing the pass into CA. It sounds like a great place to get to but did anyone tell them before they left how many of them would actually make it to the promised land????
    So I got my third child, after a miscarriage first, only problem was, he didn’t make it out alive. So do we go for #4 or read the signs???? Stay tuned…

  13. On May 4th, 2008 at 3:42 pm CLC Says:

    I don’t know what to tell you. Only your heart knows the right answer. But you are a great mother, and your children are lucky to have you!

  14. On May 4th, 2008 at 3:48 pm Sara Says:

    Dude. I completely understand, and I’m thinking about you.

  15. On May 4th, 2008 at 4:14 pm Amy Says:

    You know how I feel. I’ve kept you aprised of my wishes for you. Again, you must do what’s right for you and I am so sorry that you, the non-loss mommy joined our train. I am thinking of you always, you know that already! Hang in there and holler if you need me! XO Amy

  16. On May 4th, 2008 at 4:15 pm tryingin2007 Says:

    I’m really diggin’ the cherry blossoms! a nicely designed face lift for one of my favorite blogs.

    I agree, all the worrying can be debilitating (at the moment I’m living proof.) but your two beautiful children are totally worth it. I think eventually you will know in your heart if a third is “meant to be.” give yourself some time.

  17. On May 4th, 2008 at 5:23 pm tash Says:

    Me either. We should drink together sometime.

  18. On May 4th, 2008 at 5:46 pm Ames Says:

    I wish there was some magical thing I could say that could make everything better for you, but of course that just isn’t the case. Maybe taking a step back for a while will be a good thing for you, the true answer is in your heart, and I know eventually it will come to you. It worked for me anyway.

    And on another note, whatever you decided to do I know that you are a wonderful woman and a wonderful mother and your children are truly blessed to have you in their life.

    You’ll be in my thoughts. *hugs*

  19. On May 4th, 2008 at 7:44 pm Karen Says:

    There are a zillion trite, hackneyed expression going through my mind right now – as if any of them would make things any easier for you.

    I don’t know the feeling you are feeling, but I wish I could help somehow. I will send you all my good vibes.

  20. On May 4th, 2008 at 8:35 pm heather Says:

    I don’t really know you, so I couldn’t possibly give you advice on whether or not another child is what’s best for you and your family. All I know is, I think you will be happy either way. I have only 1, and made a conscious decision 14 years ago not to have any more. I’m happy with that even though I have wondered a few times over the years if I shouldn’t have had more. We just can’t ever know and should just try to be happy with what we’ve got, in case that’s all we get. Maybe you just need more time to think about it. I hope it goes well for you.

  21. On May 4th, 2008 at 9:09 pm Marly Says:

    Someone very wise once said to me, “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

  22. On May 4th, 2008 at 9:42 pm Kristen Says:

    Becky, I wish I had something brilliant and comforting to say to you. I will be thinking of you and sending prayers and hugs as you ride this hormonal and emotional rollercoaster again.

  23. On May 4th, 2008 at 9:52 pm Melissa C Says:

    I’ve read this (and the previous) post over and over. I’ve started to add a message a dozen times, then stopped because I have no f***ing idea what to say. It all sounds so trite.

    I am here (along with everyone else) wishing I could give you a hug and somehow make it all better; knowing that nothing will do that. Life sucks sometimes.

    I will offer one tiny piece of advice… do what you will with it.
    Allow yourself to grieve for what might have been; denying that grief will only push it under, it’s won’t make it go away.


  24. On May 6th, 2008 at 2:01 pm kevin Says:

    I vasectomized after one. I look to people like you and just don’t see how you can successfully and sanely parent as many as two. I don’t begrudge anyone wanting more children their wish, but I have difficulty empathizing.

    That being said, I don’t buy into so-called signs either. If you truly feel three’s your magic number, by all means shoot for three. As you know a miscarriage can be caused by many different factors. Sometimes biology and chemistry come together to make a baby; Sometimes they don’t. Chance plays a big part in procreation. If you and your husband are up for the gamble, roll the dice again.

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