Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

The Holidays Always Bring Univited Guests. Like Robots From The Future.


When I was a kid, I always fantasized about having a big family. Maybe it was because I was the youngest by a factor of 10 years and I lived a lonely life at home, but the holidays always made me wish that my family was huge and robust, bursting at the seams with life and vitality. I’d have traded my toenails for the drama that goes along with that to have someone to sit with me at the kid table.

I sat alone there. Sad, right?

So, I always hoped I’d marry into a big, loud annoying family, but no. Dave’s family is small like mine. Or it’s not, but they’re not all unified because of The Dramaz, so whatever. I was kind of saddened by that. Especially because that means that I am stuck hosting holidays, something that I’m pretty much a failure at*.

But because we have this teeny-weeny family, we rarely have uninvited guests pop by on the holidays, which is full of The Awesome. Although it would probably make for more interesting anecdotes than “we sat around breathing and looking at each other a lot.” This year, however, because Things are going Wrong with me, my insomnia is raging which meant I was up on Black Friday morning to catch all of the fucking amazing cyber deals!

I inadvertently brought home a monster.


This does not compute. What is this ‘almond bark?’ and why are you making me stand near it? Don’t you know I’m made for more important things than this?

Arnold 2

I am designed to kick ass not make candy, you assholes.

Arnold 3

What the fuck is that smell? Why does your house smell like pee? Please send me away from here.

Arnold 4

Those are Narcissus Lilies and they cover up the smell of death quite well. Please leave my non-television wife alone before I disassemble you. DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER.

Arnold 5

You punish me by making me wear a bow and then you show me your GIRLY chocolate covered pretzels! Who the fuck uses pink and blue sprinkles? You make me sick.

Arnold 6

And that wrapping paper is something A GIRLY MAN would pick out. Why didn’t you find some skulls or barbed wire to wrap this in? You’re a couple of sissies.

Arnold 7

What are you DOING to your children by giving them such LAME GIRLY gifts? They need machine guns and barbells or they’re going to turn into sissies. I’m slipping some raw meat and eggs into their milk because they need to build muscle. To turn into MEN.

Wait, why are you packing me up to send me to him? HOPEFULLY he’ll be a manlier man than you, Aunt Becky. Thank GOD I’m being sent to him for winning that contest and naming your company***.

Oh, and I replaced all of your Diet Coke with gasoline. You didn’t even know the difference, you fool.


Merry Christmas, o! Internet, my Internet! Aunt Becky, The Daver, The Sausages and Mimi all love you more than is possibly healthy. Thanks for being there for all of us. And if you tell anyone we said nice things, we’ll punch you.


*Because I LOSE** at life.

**ALSO because I hate to cook.

***Copy on the Rocks.

40 Comments to

“The Holidays Always Bring Univited Guests. Like Robots From The Future.”

  1. On December 24th, 2009 at 1:32 pm Shin Ae Says:

    MWAH! Merry Christmas!

  2. On December 24th, 2009 at 1:33 pm Elly Lou Says:

    Happy holidays to you and your surprisingly holiday AND gender neutral sweet/salty snacks. Oh and to your family, too!

  3. On December 24th, 2009 at 1:33 pm Kelly Says:

    Merry Christmas to the Sausage Factory! I hope that Mimi’s first one is super fun.

  4. On December 24th, 2009 at 1:34 pm Bobbi Says:

    I have a contest going on at work. We affectionately call it the Dysfunctional Family Derby. Our best stories come from the holidays. Can’t wait to compare notes next week. And I feel for you with the kid’s table crap. Somehow I was always sick for holidays and had to sit alone in isolation. Like making me sit 4 feet away was protecting anyone from my plague germs.

  5. On December 24th, 2009 at 1:47 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Merry Christmas Aunt Becky!

  6. On December 24th, 2009 at 1:58 pm Nancy Campbell Says:

    I will never grow tired of this. I love it.

  7. On December 24th, 2009 at 2:00 pm downriver deb Says:

    Merry Christmas to you and your family, Aunt Becky! Thanks for all the wonderful stories this year. May the New Year be a less challenging for you!

  8. On December 24th, 2009 at 2:09 pm stephanie Says:

    I absolutely love reading your blog – thank you thank you thank you and have a merry holiday!

  9. On December 24th, 2009 at 2:11 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Merry Christmas!
    We have no visitors so we will be sitting around watching one another breathe & eating cookies

  10. On December 24th, 2009 at 2:26 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Merry Christmas, and thanks for including Dexter. 🙂 That made my afternoon!

  11. On December 24th, 2009 at 3:08 pm a Says:

    Copy on the Rocks is pretty cool!

    Merry Christmas!

  12. On December 24th, 2009 at 3:33 pm Heather Says:

    Merry Christmas, Becky and family! May your days be filled with encased meats and cheer!

  13. On December 24th, 2009 at 4:28 pm katryn Says:

    Merry Christmas wishes to you AB (and all your seriously funny readers who write such awesome comments) all the way from Africa, where it has just turned Christmas (12:26 now in fact).

  14. On December 24th, 2009 at 5:08 pm Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    Merry Christmas to YOU Aunt Becky, and of course your whole family.

    We don’t get uninvited guests for the holidays because, well, we don’t even get INVITED guests. It’s the joy of being 4,382 miles away from them.

    And? The kids table? Yeah, I still have to sit there. And it may or may not be because I cannot be trusted not to fling mashed potatoes at people.

  15. On December 24th, 2009 at 5:54 pm swirl girl Says:

    You’ve really got to open up, Aunt Becky. You know, get in touch with your feelings and all that hooey.

    Happy Holidays to you and yours!

  16. On December 24th, 2009 at 6:47 pm linlah Says:

    Breathing and wishing for some of those politically correct chocolate pretzel sticks.

  17. On December 24th, 2009 at 7:24 pm Evil Twin's Wife Says:

    Merry Christmas to you and your fambly. I’ve enjoyed discovering your blog and getting to know you this year!
    Thanks for the laughs when I needed one most!

  18. On December 24th, 2009 at 8:30 pm Priss Says:

    If I lived closer to you, and all that’s good and bright knows I want to, but not because you’re there. You are so a bonus though, right? I’d totally drop in. I’d eat your pretzels with their girly sprinkles, fart in your couch and wish you a MerryFrickin’Christmas.

    But since I’m not that awesome, I have to clean my house and wonder how many people might come by unexpectedly. It’s a good thing I can break out with warm sugar cookies in about 15 minutes.

  19. On December 24th, 2009 at 9:37 pm kys Says:

    Playmobil??? Did you buy that on purpose??

    Merry Christmas darling! I hope you and your peeps have a wonderful holiday!


  20. On December 24th, 2009 at 10:20 pm Badass Geek Says:

    No holiday is complete without robots from the future.

    Merry Christmas, hot stuff.

  21. On December 24th, 2009 at 10:32 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    OH, how I loves me some Aunt Becky.

  22. On December 24th, 2009 at 11:19 pm Lisa Says:

    I just snuck out for a quick computer break while my hubby is in the other room quietly swearing while he tries to put together a “radio flyer rocking horse”. Then he has to tackle the Little Tikes playhouse, followed by the standing kick trainer that needs like 170 pounds of sand in the bottom… So we will be up all night, but man I will miss these days SO MUCH when the kids are grown.

    Who needs a house full of grown ups to distract you from your fast growing miracles, right???

    Merry Christmas – kisses to your babies!!!!!!!!!!!

  23. On December 25th, 2009 at 1:16 am gorillabuns Says:

    due to my short attention span, i’ll say, Merry Christmas! because I don’t remember one damn thing you wrote or maybe, the vodka doesn’t let me remember one damn thing you wrote.:)

  24. On December 25th, 2009 at 9:30 am Collette Says:

    Nice to see the Terminator & Dexter stopped by for Christmas.
    If I could only sit at the kids table again! It’s the adults that’ll drive you nuts! Done with my side of the family (Thank God!). Today is the in-laws & I’d rather be with them than my own family. Sad, huh? Damn, & now my directv is going in & out because of the rain we’re getting for Christmas in Michigan!
    I would so drop by uninvited if I lived near you! (((HUGS)))

  25. On December 25th, 2009 at 9:32 am Collette Says:

    Oh yeah! Merry Christmas to you & the family! I hope it a peaceful & almost drama-free day.

  26. On December 25th, 2009 at 11:39 am Kendal Hall Says:

    You are offically cut off – on second thought, I’m on my way (uninvited) over for the next round, and some of those yummy pretzel thingies too.

  27. On December 25th, 2009 at 11:41 am Kendal Hall Says:

    P.S. At 37, I am short enough to still sit at the kid’s table….plastic red chair and all…..but I always get extra marshmellows in my chocolate just like all the other shorites at the table.

  28. On December 25th, 2009 at 12:05 pm Melissa Says:

    Merry Christmas to Aunt Becky, The Daver, Benner, Alex and Baby Mimi.

    Hugs and chocolate to you all!

  29. On December 25th, 2009 at 12:09 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Merry Christmas, Aunt Becky! Sending love from Lloyd…

  30. On December 25th, 2009 at 1:01 pm Dorothy Says:

    Aunt Becky –
    After this Christmas you may have two more visitors next year. We come bearing gifts of Vodka and wine.
    I am not kidding.
    Niece Dorothy

  31. On December 25th, 2009 at 3:22 pm Foxy Says:

    Your blog kicks ass.

  32. On December 25th, 2009 at 3:32 pm Lucy Says:

    Sucky post, Aunt Becky.
    Why are you taking pictures of DVDs – or are they Blu Rays – when you CAN WRITE???
    Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and I hope you get your writing grove back.

  33. On December 25th, 2009 at 5:51 pm Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) Says:

    Seriously Funny! 😉

    Wishing you a Very Merry Christmas! You can always come hang out with us if you want noise and chaos. There may only be three of us, but Princess Nagger and hubby can make noise like nobody’s business. 😉

  34. On December 25th, 2009 at 8:42 pm Traci Says:

    Too funny. I have always wanted to see a smack down between The Terminator and Dexter, now I can say that I have seen everything!

    Merry Christmas!

  35. On December 25th, 2009 at 9:22 pm Kristin Says:

    Merry Christmas my most awesome friend!

  36. On December 26th, 2009 at 1:39 am Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

    Hope you had a wonderful day and thank you for being awesome.

    And if YOU tell anyone I said that I will totally punch you in the pancreas.

  37. On December 26th, 2009 at 11:13 am Steph Says:

    Now I’m gonna have Arnold’s voice in my head all day 😛

    I cant wait to call someone a girly man!

  38. On December 26th, 2009 at 12:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You are a GIRLY MAN. Bwahahahaha! I love him. I wish I lived in California.

  39. On December 26th, 2009 at 8:24 pm lydee Says:

    awesome. love the arnold.

  40. On December 27th, 2009 at 10:31 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Loves The Arnold.

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