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The Guy On My Couch



Hi! Is this thing on?

It came to my attention (when Becky yelled something at me about blah, blah, blah, guest post something people need to know!) that you’ve all been asking some questions about me. Who is this Guy On The Couch? Where did he come from? Can I get one at Targhetto? So, I’m here to set the record straight(ish) and tell you all a little about me.

My name is Benjamin, I’m a Midwestern boy at heart and came to Chicago last fall because I decided that I just hadn’t had enough of gambling that the frostbite wouldn’t take my toes this winter. Some of you already know that, because you work with, read at or follow The Band and have seen me at work, or seen my writing about being the face of Bipolar Disorder. I’m glad, but for those of you who haven’t, click the almost-invisible link there, and you can read all about it.

Basics – I’m thirty-one, tall and thin, sarcastic and had a blog that I wrote at until I stopped having the time to dedicate to it, which the internet has mostly – blessedly – forgotten all about.

So, the advanced course, Benjamin 301 – taught by your favorite professor, Yours Truly goes like this: There was this one time when I was 19, living in Minneapolis and walking through downtown in the summer with my friend Evan. Evan and I had been friends for time out of mind, and we were both about equally strange people. We’d met in grade school and stayed friends on and off since then, and we liked to hang out together because it made both of us feel a little bit more normal to know there was someone else out there who was just like each other.

Walking through downtown Minneapolis, we got stopped by one particularly flamboyant member of St. Louis Park’s fairly extensive GLBT community. Tall, thin and beautiful, she stopped dead center in the middle of the sidewalk in front of us – where we’d have no choice but to stop short – to stare at Evan’s shirt. I’ve never seen another shirt like it, before or since, and it was the shirt against which all shirts are measured in my head.

Robin’s Egg Blue, with cheerful white lettering that proudly proclaimed “Nuke a Gay Baby Seal – For Christ!

It was the most brilliant shirt I’d ever seen, cheerfully calling out dozen’s of different types of hypocrisy at once, all wrapped up in a little sarcastic package and colored pale blue so that people really weren’t apt to look at it unless it mattered to them.

Arching one haughty eyebrow at us, she slowly said, “nuke a gay baby SEAL? FOR CHRIST?!” To which we responded, almost in unison and totally unplanned, “Well, you’ve gotta nuke something, right?”

She let us pass, I think she may have been too busy having a heart attack to stop and question us further about whether it was any kind of seal, or whether we had it out for one type of seal in particular. I think the thought of religiously-motivated nuclear pinniped genocidal catastrophe was just too much for her to really think about all at the same time. Did I mention that we were both atheists?

I’d say that pretty much sums up who I am, so read on and enjoy, and now you know a little more about The Guy On Becky’s Couch.

Hope you don’t regret it!

24 Comments to

“The Guy On My Couch”

  1. On June 8th, 2012 at 10:28 am Andie Says:

    “Gotta Nuke Something, Right?” <— Ha! Classic!

  2. On June 8th, 2012 at 11:09 am Athena Says:

    I *need* one of those shirts!! And since I live in “The South” it could even wind up going on the coroner’s report as my cause of death. LOL

  3. On June 8th, 2012 at 12:26 pm CycleNinja Says:

    I used to end my personal emails with “Jesus saves sinners (Some restrictions may apply, see store for details).” Love it.

  4. On June 8th, 2012 at 1:54 pm Kathleen Says:

    OMG! – I have to use that in my sig lines! Hope that’s okay

  5. On June 8th, 2012 at 12:36 pm Audrey Says:

    I feel as though I know that shirt. Certainly I know enough genius geek boys who would gladly own such apparel. Geek girls too. Had I encountered you and seen the shirt, I probably would have approached and said, “I appreciate your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. Where can I sign up?”

  6. On June 8th, 2012 at 12:46 pm penny Says:

    I didn’t forget about your blog; still checking it faithfully, hoping for an update 😉

  7. On June 8th, 2012 at 12:55 pm Bubbe Says:

    Glad to hear from you Benjamin! I like the shirt! And I’m a Christian (sorta). Hubs had a sticker on his truck eons ago, (we got rid of the truck and unfortunately the sticker had to go along for the ride; haven’t seen another) that said, “Dear Jesus, please save me … from your followers!” 😀

  8. On June 8th, 2012 at 1:12 pm Cindy Says:

    having gotten to know you, BBM, I’d say this accurately sums you up. Much love!

  9. On June 8th, 2012 at 2:54 pm Lanilu Says:


  10. On June 8th, 2012 at 4:43 pm Cindy DuBois Says:

    another great bumper sticker I haven’t seen in awhile is: God is coming back and she is pissed. I live in Texas where the christians grow bigger and meaner; thing George Bush and Rick Perry.

  11. On June 8th, 2012 at 6:19 pm Stephanie Stone Says:

    Awe.Some. All of it. You have no idea what you have done for my sanity…. (or lack there of) 😉

  12. On June 8th, 2012 at 8:32 pm stephgas Says:

    awesome husband was once accosted at his job for having a bumper sticker on his tool box that said ‘i found jesus… he was behind the sofa the whole time!’. we live in new york. and not scary upstate new york, but like 30 miles from manhattan.

    you sound like our kind of people.

  13. On June 8th, 2012 at 9:22 pm katrina Says:

    Damn those christians if they can’t take a joke! We proudly wear a shirt proclaiming “jesus was a zombie”……..( think about it….he rose from the dead and drank blood…)

  14. On June 8th, 2012 at 11:50 pm Kristin Says:

    Love your Nuke a gay baby seal shirt. I would wear it and my kids would pretend not to know me.

  15. On June 9th, 2012 at 12:26 am Valerie Says:

    Come hell or high water, I WILL OWN ONE OF THESE SHIRTS!!!




  16. On June 9th, 2012 at 9:23 am Marta Says:

    That sounds in fact like one crazy awesome shirt.

  17. On June 9th, 2012 at 10:20 am Cindy Says:

    Nice to meet you Big Ben :). Thanks for hanging in there (I hear it is incredibly difficult to deal with. Life as it is is difficult enough. BAN BP!) And Imma glad you are hanging in there.

  18. On June 9th, 2012 at 11:28 am Grace Says:

    Aunt Becky needs to add that shirt to her collection!! I would buy one! I have friends who would be sufficiently horrified if I wore it in public!

    Nice to meet you Guy on Aunt Becky’s Couch!

  19. On June 9th, 2012 at 1:31 pm Brittany Says:

    Where can I get that shirt?!?!?!?! I suggest it becomes a part of the MWV shop!

  20. On June 10th, 2012 at 2:34 pm Mrs. One Day Says:

    Ha! You know I love ya, Ben. Very glad that I get to work with you in The Band.

  21. On June 11th, 2012 at 7:51 pm alaina Says:

    Awesome shirt. Minus the baby seal killing. Sad face for the baby seals.

  22. On June 12th, 2012 at 1:55 am Torie Says:

    People for got to remember to even check out my blog so you made it farther than me by getting forgotten after you became known. I used to live in the most tree hugging, Obama supporting, granola eating, little yuppy town imaginable. I sure would have loved to have had that shirt before my recent move. I don’t think I would have had to pretend to be nice to people in public. They would have just not spoken to me. I may have been arressted for a shirt like that. Heck…where can I buy one to wear when I go visit. I’m going to put in on my two year old.

  23. On June 12th, 2012 at 1:09 pm Dysentery. It's Always Fucking Dysentery. - Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] Ask Aunt Becky « The Guy On My Couch Dysentery. It’s Always Fucking Dysentery. The Guy On My Couch gleefully […]

  24. On June 12th, 2012 at 8:56 pm Michael Rochelle Says:

    It’s about time we heard from The Guy On The Couch!!! That sounds like an awesome shirt.

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